What’s the difference between a dream and a nightmare?
When I fell down Mt. Ebott, right into the arms of a loving family, the distinction had always been obvious to me; A nightmare scares you, or just leaves you over all bothered. A dream, on the other hand, is usually something pleasant. Both of which are a blend of memories, thoughts, and what we want or fear.
I always found it odd that, even with the happiest dreams, it was always a struggle to remember them when waking up. Nightmares don’t give such leniency, sticking far past when they were wanted.
A few days after I came to Equestria, I started questioning the line between them. Rarely before did I remember my dreams, but now each one stayed in my head like a stain on my memories. The nightmares weren’t as comically exaggerated or nonsensical anymore; closer to a replay of what happened the day of my first death, and every agonizing detail that came with it and after.
Sometimes, when Asriel and I came back just to fall into a pile of dust before our parents, I was still there to witness what happened after; the wails, the begging, the tears. Every word hurt, every cry a discordant note that perforated my being. The two monsters, who had offered me a home and happiness that I never had before, suffered from grief.
It made me wonder if my journey as a regretful specter started before Frisk and all of that actually happened, or if my mind had created that scene to torment me further.
The dreams were often worse, because they were real.
Always starting as a memory; often the day before Asriel and I enacted my ‘plan’, the difference being that, instead of my first death and the failed attempt to kill everyone in my village, we continued living. Enjoying our time, growing old together, and eventually watching as Asgore and Toriel passed away.
Watching Asriel become king, and making the underground better. When the children eventually fall, we help them instead of killing them. Soon, peace between humans and monsters comes under Asriel’s golden rule, without a single soul lost, and with me as the reluctant ambassador.
Not because I wanted peace with humanity, but because I couldn’t bear another war.
Then, I wake up. That line between dream and reality so blurred I forget which is which; it all hits at once what is, and what could have been. Maybe it was an alternative timeline that I was seeing for some obscure reason, or maybe I was making it up to remind myself of what could have been.
Because of the choice I made, that tranquil reality never came to be.
In its place were suffering, dead children, and a never-ending cycle of strife and betrayal that Frisk is likely perpetuating to this very moment. My only relief is that I won’t have to witness it repeating for all eternity, or until he’s bored.
Right now, I can’t tell if I’m in a nightmare or reality.
That cloud of uncertainty lingers in my mind, making it hard to tell if I was awake or not. My vision was always blurred, the rest of my senses often worse; except, of course, the gnawing pain.
It didn’t come in waves of varying intensity like most injuries I was used to; that would have been tolerable. Instead, it was everywhere at all times. Brief intervals of unconsciousness were my only respite, and even those were few and far between. My entire body was warm, hot even, but I couldn’t feel it. A haunting chill clung to me just beneath my skin, leaving me in a constant state of cold.
Occasionally, I’d make out voices. They were hard to distinguish, blending together in a chorus of hysteria. Usually shouting, or muffled whispers. Often screaming, all of which was my own voice. It took me longer to recognize it as mine; so shrill I almost couldn’t believe I was the one making it.
Without warning, it stopped.
A flicker of heat I could actually feel washed over me, and it was gone. Along with the voices, and the dreams, and any sensation in my body. It was like I was stuck in that state of limbo of falling asleep, but without dreams. It was nice, while it lasted.
Then I woke up.
There wasn’t a gradual shift between being asleep and awake like usual, I was just suddenly awake. Laying on the familiar bed in Fluttershy’s room, which still felt too large for one person. It didn’t feel the same at first, with hardly any light shining through the windows and the total lack of animal noises that usually occupied her home. It was sometime during the night; though I could not tell what time it was.
I tried to raise myself upward, only to stop half-through and wince. My back in particular felt the worst, but a dull soreness resided in every inch of my body. I glanced down, finding that a bundle of fluff named Angel had decided to use my lap as a pillow. I didn’t hesitate to pick him up and hold him as tightly as I could manage, ignoring the deep, prickling pain that came with each movement.
“You have no idea how much I missed you.” I whispered into one of his adorably long ears.
He was so warm, so soft and little; he must have spent a lot of time cleaning himself to have fur so perfect. Or maybe he was just naturally like that. That would certainly explain how spoiled he was, along with Fluttershy being his caretaker.
He made an overwhelmingly cute chirping noise, which was somewhat muffled as I pressed him against me a lot harder than I probably should have. Unfortunately, I didn’t have the gift that Fluttershy did and couldn’t understand him. I could only guess he was asking me questions, then lecturing me about something as he pointed one of his paws at me, then crossing his arms and tapping his foot as he awaited an answer.
“Oh, I’m sorry, Angel.” I began tracing my fingers against the outline of one of his ears, biting my tongue as I tried to ignore the agony each movement brought. “ I’m sure I worried you and Fluttershy a lot, I’m ok now, though.”
He didn’t seem satisfied with that answer. In fact, it only seemed to make him more upset. Huffing at me and then hopping off the bed towards the door.
“Wait, Angel please.” he stopped, turning back to look at me. “I…assume Fluttershy’s sleeping on the couch, and told you to get her as soon as I woke up, right?”
He nodded, paw resting on the door. I brought my hand to my necklace, reluctantly clinging to it despite the feeling of blots of hardened blood stuck on it. I couldn’t face Fluttershy, not yet. Not with remembering her expression when she last saw me, and not when I don’t have a single idea of what to tell her. I didn’t even know how long I’d been asleep, or what happened after I passed out.
However, since I was here, that meant everyone was ok and we got back to Ponyville safely. Everyone’s alive, including Pinkie’s family. The diamond dogs are dead, with the exception of one who almost definitely ran away. I was still here, alive and ok considering everything. This was almost the best result; the only way it could have gone better is if they hadn’t witnessed what I did.
So…why did I feel so empty? Shouldn’t I be relieved? Happy that everyone’s ok? That my plan didn’t result in someone dying this time?
“Can you let me take a bath first? Please?” I pleaded, once again becoming further indebted to The Spoiled Prince. “I feel really gross; All I want is a bath. Then you can wake her up.”
He scowled at me for a moment, trying to discern if I was lying. Luckily, I wasn’t. I really did feel gross and sticky all over; I must have been asleep for a while.
Angel nodded, opening the door and gesturing for me to follow him. I gently took the blanket off, hesitantly trying to get to my feet. The moment I did, there was an alarming creaking noise in my legs, followed by an insurmountable agony. I clenched my teeth, trying to suppress a groan as I stood up.
This was the price I had to pay. I can tolerate it. I’ve experienced worse.
Luckily, my backpack was resting on the ground right beside me. I picked it up, but didn’t bother trying to put it on. Somehow I knew that the movement required for that would be more than I could ignore at the moment.
“I won’t be long, Angel. I promise.” I said as I entered the bathroom. He was trying to make himself comfortable on the floor, attempting to finish that nap I so rudely interrupted.
The moment I laid eyes on my reflection, I dropped my backpack and let out a whimper; I was still wearing the same clothes, the claw marks as prominent as some of the bloodstains. There were a lot less than I remembered. Someone, likely Fluttershy, must have tried to clean me the best she could. There must have been too much in some places; These clothes might have even been completely ruined.
I also looked extremely pale, more than usual. My eyes sunken and lips dry, I didn’t even realize how thirsty I was until I saw it. I walked forward, turning on the bath and letting it fill with hot water and then the sink. After drinking some of it, I took off my necklace and examined it. Like my clothes, blood was splattered on it. Which had hardened and become crust like.
It was tainted, and I hated it.
I put it under the water, rubbing it until the tips of my finger hurt more than before, but I got all of it. I dried it, setting it to the side and began taking off my clothes. They felt disgusting to keep wearing, almost burning in a way.
Unsurprisingly, I have scars now. The first for this body, but not for me. The most prominent were the ones on my shoulder, three claw marks that were deep and easily noticeable. They didn’t look fresh. Actually, nearly years old. Twilight must have healed me again. However, she did mention she wasn’t particularly good with restoration; this must be what she meant.
I grimaced as I turned around; the ones on my back were larger than I feared they’d be. Going from my shoulder blades to my hips, it was a miracle I didn’t bleed out immediately after receiving them. They looked comparatively fresher, like they’d start bleeding again if I moved around too often.
I couldn’t say any of this surprised me. I had gone down there expecting to be killed again. Surviving without losing a limb or anything was nearly a miracle. These scars, while disgustingly blatant, were relatively easy to hide. It was lucky that these were the only ones I got.
A storm of dread welled up inside me as something crossed my mind. There was one more thing I needed to check. My entire body began to shake, sweating nervously as I tried to extend my right arm in front of me. I found my entire body, especially my arm, growing gradually weaker. It wasn’t even the pain that prevented me from moving it; just crippling terror.
The menu popped up in front of me, hovering there and appearing unchanged. My stare was glued to one of the corners, trying to force myself to look at my stats; I had to be certain, even if deep down already knew what it was.
I froze as soon as I saw my stats, the tangible reality slamming down onto me like a guillotine blade.
I had leveled up.
The sound as I struck down the scarred dog wasn’t imaginary after all, no matter how much I wanted it to be.
My hp had increased to 32, my attack up to six, and my level up to four. The same level Frisk had been after going through the ruins, after killing all the monsters, after killing Toriel.
I had gained Love.
I didn’t even feel myself fall, or realize that my arm, and the rest of my body, had collapsed. Everything hurt so much, every single part of me. My heartbeat was the only thing I could hear, encompassing my very being and overshadowing every other sense. A tidal wave of emotions forced itself onto me as I trembled, tears streaming down the sides of my face as the corners of my vision darkened.
Nausea hit hard as I tasted bile, less than a moment later I was throwing up into the toilet whatever little was in my stomach. I couldn’t help but cry despite struggling to muffle it, as I didn’t want to wake Angel. Eventually, I tried to get to my feet, needing to use the sink to prop myself up.
As I glared at my reflection, I couldn’t help but stare into my own eyes. Even after Rarity’s compliment, I still hated them deeply. They bled that same black ooze every time I used magic, making the people I cared about most fear me.
Even after all my attempts to change, even after getting a new body, even after my constant striving to not make the same mistakes, I still did. I had gained the harrowing ability to reset, yet I still failed them multiple times. Watched them die in front of me, once again making a revenge fueled plan.
Except this time, it worked. Maybe that was worse.
I’ve learned nothing. There was never even a moment of mistaking whose reflection was staring back.
Because, despite everything, it’s still me.
I reached forward, opening the mirror and pulling out the emergency first aid kit Fluttershy kept in there. The moment both my hands weren’t on the sink, I fell to the ground again. My hands refused to stop shaking as I struggled to open it up, tears puddling the top of it.
“I guess…” I let out a hollow chuckle, which turned into another sob. I finally got it open, picking up the pair of scissors that sat beside the bandages.
“My old habits die harder than I do.”