//------------------------------// // Horned Mares Can't Float! // Story: A Mangled, Scrambled, Slice of Life(That Was Overcooked, to Boot!) // by SpectralUnicorn //------------------------------// Twilight Sparkle held claim to being rendered the most miserable mare to mingle among the mimics, minding Midnight. The self-levitation spell she had to study left her up all night, since role-playing Rainbow Dash involved using a legendarily difficult spell. She discounted the wing spell, since it didn't feel like Rainbow Dash, opting for prosthetic wings as an aesthetic substitute. Unfortunately, the spell ate magical energy like Pinkie Pie ate…well, anything! Thus, Twilight struggled to even remember, much less cast, the cloud-standing spell she had to cast to complete the replacing of her fast-flying friend. It left just enough with room to spare. After casting that spell, she then had to cast a spell that made her horn, and its’ aura, invisible, and finding the correct measurement with the amount of energy she had left was nightmarish. Thankfully, she already knew that spell, otherwise she would just sleep on a park bench. Now, though she lied awake on her cloudy bed, not knowing how to obey Princess Celestias’ orders and not use magic, her prime element. After what felt like a fortnight, she finally drifted off to sleep… …only for an ill-tempered, grizzled-looking Pegasus with a black crew-cut mane and a white coat to scream in her face. “GET UP, MAGGOT!” Twilight yelped and Rainbow Spashed the cloudy floor next to her with her face in response. She merely rolled over onto her back to look up at the angry winged stallion. She muttered to him, “Uughh, just five more minutes, having all this awesome can tire a girl out…” “I said MOVE, WORM!” The white Pegasus opted to scream in her ear this time, and fake Rainbow Dash was wide awake. She stood up and awaited orders. The angry stallion leered into her purple eyes and barked, “Why are you slacking off at 10 AM?!” It’s 10 in the morning right now?! Twilight really woke up at this news. She stood up to be examined by this new pony she was forced to meet. He leered at the fake wings fastened to her waist with a belt. Then he glared at her some more, this time at her mane, which was fixed in a tomboyish style not unlike the speedy Pegasus she was replacing for the day. He looked like he was of the opinion that glaring at somepony for a long enough time would get them to cough up some answers. All of this glaring was making Twilight tense. What was she going to say to this psychotic stallion? Will he stop leering at me? Can he let me know already? “You sicken me, newblood!” he finally spoke. “Trying to take our finest weather patrols’ style!” Rainbow Dash kept up a style? Twilight was perplexed that she was considered so conscious of her appearance. Or maybe she misunderstood him. Or maybe it was just him thinking that. Or maybe-“WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?!?!” The authoritative pegasus was really hurting Magical-Rainbow Dashs’ feelings, especially since he rudely awakened her. Despite herself, she wanted answers. Through tears, she asked “Who are you?” The stallions’ yellow pupils shrunk to ants in pure rage. “Listen well, hoofsucker!” Did this jerk ever stop shouting insults? Or shouting in general? “I am Sgt. Swearzelot: Coordinator of the Weather Patrol!” Wait, wasn’t that Rainbow Dash? Twilight pondered. “Former Sergeant of the Royal Guard!” Wait, I have to coordinate the Weather Patrol?! Twilight realized. “And you, my shit-faced little-” Not Rainbow Dash tuned the mental Weather Patrol ‘leader’ out to stare at his Cutie Mark: @#!*%. Swearzelot indeed. “ARE YOU ZONING OUT, YOU SNOT-FACED PUNK?!?!?” Twilight was sure that she’d be deaf by the end of the day: she was already desensitized by all of the screaming Swearzelot was forcing into her face. “I’VE HAD IT UP TO HERE,” he gestured as high as his foreleg would go, “WITH YOUR STUPID-ASS HIDE!” He then shoved her off of the cloud she was standing on. Even wide awake, she was totally unprepared for somepony to shove her off into her death! She had to think quickly, now. Self-levitation, self-levitation. She mustered her focus into giving herself flight. The plummeting stopped. She looked around, then celebrated. “Yes! Yes! I truly am the most radical thing in the sky!” Swearzelot, however, just looked at her like she had shape-shifted into a giant Swedish meatball, floating carelessly in the sky. “What in fucks’ name?!” he said, humbled, yet still loud. She responded, now cocky, “Yeah, you must be shocked, ‘cuz you didn-” “WHAT ARE YOUR WINGS’ MALFUNCTION, SHIT STAIN?!” Crud! Fake Rainbow had forgotten to incorporate the wing movement into her illusion! How would she blend in, while standing out, in Pegasus society now?! “Uh, heheh heh. Uh, it’s a unique thing that runs in my family!” Twilight was, for the purpose of getting away from Swearzelot, acting as not Rainbow Dash, but a cocky, levitating Pegasus. “…just get to pushing clouds!” The Sergeant was obviously just as eager to be rid of the faux-pegasus as she was to be rid of him. “You can help that misfit over there.” He gestured to a female grey Pegasus with a blonde mane. She was scratching her head while looking at the cloud in front of her. She clearly wasn’t cut out for Weather Patrol. She didn’t even look cut out to dress herself, if the look in her yellow, freeform eyes said anything about her. The purple Rainbow vaguely recognized her. She... delivered muffins, or something? Whatever it was, she sure wasn’t on Weather Patrol! This guy was insane! Sgt. Swearzelot then took notice at a flock of pegasi absentmindedly pushing a cloud somewhere, not really sure where. He flew towards them, hurling a barrage of obscenities laced with orders at the poor mares, who promptly followed his every word. So he did have power, Twilight thought. Or at least, he was a substitute leader. Oh, no! She wasn’t following Celestias’ orders! How would she explain herself? How would she fill in for Rainbow Dash?! Oh, if only she read a book about Pegasus weather-changing patterns. If only she could read the weather schedule! Twilight Dash calmed herself. She hovered over to the confused-looking mare to try to be Rainbow Dash. She wasn’t failing the Princess without a fight! She greeted the pony wit ha hearty “Hey, pal! What’chya doi-” “RAINBOW DASH!” she yelled. Does everypony yell up here, she thought. It's been a long time up in the clouds. Regardless, she was just glad to be ‘recognized’ as ‘Rainbow Dash.’ “Hey, remember me?” The not-so-speedy Rainbow didn’t have a second to even think. “Everypony calls me Klutzy, but I know!” Oh! It was all coming back to Twilight now. How could she not see that it was clearly- “My name’s Santa Claus!” That’s Derpy for you, Twilight noted. Only a week, and she already forgot her name, again. Twilight recounted that on good days, the lovable dim bulb was considered a public nuisance, while on bad days, she was a public menace. Nopony else could crash through several homes just by picking up a rock. Regardless, Not-Rainbow found a place to be Rainbow Dash. “Derpy, I thought you were a mailmare.” Ersatz Rainbow said to her. “I thought so, too,” the clueless mare replied. “But Sgt. Swearzelot whipped me into shape, and now I am pushing this cloud somewhere so he doesn’t yell naughty words at me.” Twilight noted to herself not to go up into the clouds ever again if she could help herself, lest she find herself harassed by that public menace. “Welp, come on, Derpy, this cloud ain’t gonna push itself!” Twilight swelled up inside with pride at her acting. “Thanks, Rainbow Dash,” Derpy started, “for being so cool to me when everypony else just yells at me.” Twilight then swelled up inside for the village dunce. If Swearzelot wasn’t in the Royal Guard… Derpys’ forehoof met the back of the purple Rainbow Dash mane with uncoordinated, yet brute, force. “Look, Rainbow Dash!” Derpy yelled. “You’re psychicing a rainbow to that power plant!” Twilight Dash tried to look at the sight of a rainbow headed towards the rarely-discussed Ponyville Power Plant. However, Derpy was surprisingly strong, or her hoof was surprisingly hard. Either way, Twilights’ self-levitation spell shut down as a response, so she hurdled to the ground below. “Oh, no!” the accident-prone mare cried out. “Don’t worry, Rainbow Dash, I’ll save you!” At these words, Derpy pulled out a pillow, flew down with a vast reservoir of speed in her wings. She placed the pillow where she thought the Fake Rainbow Dash would fall, and she left a unicorn shaped implant in the ground… twenty feet from where Derpys’ pillow was. “Oops,” she said, feeling stupid, even for her. She flew over to the shallow crater, pillow in tow, and did the only thing that what was right: she dropped the pillow on top of her replacement hero. “Get well soon, Rainbow Dash!” she muttered to her, regret latent in her voice and on her face. She then flew away feeling quite unhappy.