Count Derpy (Rewritten)

by Count_Pony001


Chapter 3

As I looked around the area near Sweet Apple Acres, I saw the moon go down, and the sun start to rise. I took one good look at the sun, but then felt burning all over my face. I screamed from the agony, turning away, but seeing my hooves were turning red, like a sunburn. I realized this wasn't good, I could die!

I turned into a bat, which seemed to stop it from getting worse, but I still felt burned from what I'd already been exposed to. I hurried inside a nearby cave, and took refuge in the shadows next to some old brownish pony and animal skulls. Once I was settled into a good spot, I turned back into my vampony form and splashed some water on myself from a nearby pool to soothe my burns.

With the danger over, I smiled, and laid down for a nap. I felt like I could survive a week without needing to eat anything.


Applejack hurried with Pinkie in a bodybag to Twilight's castle...

Soon, a meeting was called with all their friends.

Twilight cleared her throat and said "Thank you, everypony, for coming...you may notice that Pinkie isn't with us...Applejack?"

Applejack started shedding some tears.

Fluttershy comforted her friend and wrapped her hooves around AJ's neck. She said politely "It's okay AJ...tell us what happened."

Applejack began, with tears still falling from her eyes, "Y-yesterday uh...Pinkie was fillin' in for Big Mac and Apple Bloom, on account o' Bloom's trip to Manehattan to see Babs. After we were done for the day, it was gettin' real late and Pinkie was leavin' all excited for tomorrow and...and..." She started absolutely bawling, and hugged Fluttershy tightly...

Rainbow Dash then asked "And then what happened, some monster gobbled up Pinkie or WHAT?"

Applejack sniffed. "It...it was way worse 'an that... after I went back inside, I heard knockin' at my window. I thought ya were prankin' me, honestly, but then...then I saw a weird bat come over and then...for just a moment, somepony in the darkness, right there, w-with fangs! I plum fell over!"

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "Fangs? Really? Any colt could've put some fake teeth in, and you just don't wanna admit they scared the horseapples out of ya!"

Twilight shouted "Rainbow!" and zipped her lips with magic.

Applejack blushed and continued "W-well okay fine, I'll be honest with ya, I lost control a little, but only gas came out, you would've done the same, and this ain't about that! After I got up uh...there was...there was somethin' way worse..." Applejack started shaking with fear.

Rarity piped up "It's nothing to be ashamed of darling, now...what happened after the scare of the fanged pony?"

Applejack took a deep breath and said "Thanks, Rares... I...I saw Pinkie's body. When I went out to check, I found her throat'd been cut, there were two marks in her belly from some kind of bite, and almost all her blood was gone..."

The room went silent for a moment, except for Rainbow trying to speak through the zipper on her mouth.

Twilight sighed and unzipped it.

Rainbow shouted "VAMPONY!" She then cleared her throat and continued "Uh, sorry about that earlier, AJ...one of my best friends GOT KILLED BY A VAMPONY! I've read all about them in Daring Do and the Curse of the Crimson Chalice. They drink blood, they turn into bats, they can't go out in the sun..."

Twilight let out a groan and said "Rainbow, Daring Do might write books about actual events, but we have no way of knowing which parts are true, and which parts she made up for the story. There also could be other explanations... We've got plenty of reliable books right in my library to consult, and we've got a responsibility to Pinkie, and any future victims of whatever this was, to do things right." Twilight gave Rainbow a solemn look.

Rainbow grumbled and said "Fine...but if your books don't turn up anything, Daring Do's are next! We need to be on top of this!"

Twilight nodded. "Alright. I'll write to AK Yearling as well, so we can find out what she actually knows about this sort of thing. With luck, there won't be any more victims before we have a solid idea of what we're dealing with."

Applejack put on a smile for the first time that day "It sounds like a plan! It'll feel darn good to get revenge on that monster!"

Fluttershy looked rather nervous as she piped up "Um...or we could just ask it nicely? I mean...what if it didn't mean to?"

Rarity rolled her eyes and replied "Darling, something tells me night-time bloodsuckers that intentionally scare the friends of their innocent prey...can't be reasoned with...and I look forward to TEARING THAT THING APART...um, for Pinkie."

Twilight nodded and said "She's right...now let's get to work!"


I woke up in my cave, feeling much better. I took a moment to stretch, and realized my burns had all healed, and I figured it must be my vampiric powers that did it so fast. I turned into a bat and flew a bit away to find a stream to serve as a bathroom, careful to wash up and everything in the shade of a large tree. Once I was done, I turned back into a bat and flew to the blacksmith's shop.

I had to be careful, turning into my pony form just outside, where I wouldn't get burned by the sun. I then knocked, and the blacksmith smiled as he gave me the completed axe. I waited until he was looking away to transform back into a bat and fly off. Looking back, I saw him rather confused at where I had gone.

I was curious about how Pinkie's friends were dealing with things, so I flew near to Twilight's castle, where they'd surely be...

After a bit of waiting, I saw them coming out. Applejack had a red bandana around her forehead, and some simple lines of warpaint on her face, while holding a crossbow loaded with a wooden bolt. I remembered hearing that wooden stakes could kill vampires if driven into the heart, and I figured I'd best stay well away from her...

Next was Rainbow Dash, who had even more warpaint on her face, showing her cutiemark, but with the colors of the lightning bolt changed to red, orange, and yellow. She had a belt of garlic around her waist, and a thin cross-shaped dagger in a sheath on one side of it.

After her came Twilight, with Spike on her back, and who seemed fairly normal except for carrying a large spellbook that had a warning on the cover that it was only to be used by permission of a princess. It surely had all manner of spells in it that could do horrible things. In her saddlebag was also a wooden stake and some garlic.

Next, Rarity came out with...a beautiful pink and green sunhat, and a small sharp, gray, and pointy rake, plus a satchel full of garlic. Knowing her, she'd probably only be a threat by screaming her lungs out the moment she'd see my fangs, that she was under attack by a fashion disaster.

Finally, Fluttershy trotted out slowly, wearing an orange and blue football helmet, and carrying a garlic satchel too.

Applejack stomped her hooves and askde "Girls, what will we do when we find that monster?"

Rainbow Dash yelled "Throw garlic in its face, then beat the buck out of it!"

Twilight huffed and added "Call anypony else nearby first...we don't want it to pick us off one by one, you two."

Fluttershy mumbled in a scared tone "And um...c-can't we... turn.. the m-monster.. to stone, l-like we did to...D-dis-Discord?"

Twilight replied "Only if we can subdue it...we don't have the elements, so I'd need to cast a spell carefully. I agree that it's a better way, but we have to put protecting everypony else first, even if the monster didn't want to hurt ponies."

I watched as the group split up into pairs: Rainbow & Fluttershy, Twilight & Spike, and Applejack & Rarity. I decided to keep hiding, as they'd eventually tire themselves out...

I went back to my cloud home a while to check my mail and make sure nopony was snooping around. Once I was assured that nopony had suspected something strange, I snuck into Twilight's castle's library with my bat form, and went through some books on how to fight unicorns and pegasi. Soon after, I went into town proper and bought a magic-suppressing horn ring. Lucky for me, the merchant didn't seem to pay much attention to the fact that I wasn't a unicorn, or that I was covering my mouth.

Night fell pretty soon after, and I saw Rarity & Applejack heading towards Rarity's house. I chuckled softly, figuring AJ was too spooked to be at her place again.

I decided to wait a while longer, hiding as a bat among the leaves that were turning brown. I could take out at least one of their group once they let their guard down...


Well past midnight, Twilight drank some coffee, and her eyes twitched.

Rainbow Dash, whose eyes were bloodshot, gave a concerned look and said "Twilight, that's your fourth cup. You might not be able to fly like that..."

Twilight said "True, true but what else can I do to stay awake!" She leaned into Rainbow Dash's face, pressing their noses together. She then rolled on the green, grassy ground and started giggling like a little filly.

Rainbow Dash shrugged her shoulders, yawned, and replied "Alright, suit yourself, but I'm going home for a nap, and you should've left when Spike did. With all the blood the vampony drank, it won't need to feed again unless Pinkie hurt it and well...I doubt she did, so it probably won't even be out tonight. Anyways, if you're here when I get back from my nap, I will drag you to your bed!" Rainbow then flapped her wings, struggling to do so, but soon was flying to her cloud mansion.

Twilight said "I'll go back soon...and I still have to question that it's a vampony...Daring's books were all about some weird cult that she destroyed...the garlic's just a precaution and it can't hurt to try and blind the creature with it!"


I flew over Ponyville to see if any of the group were still around. Now was a perfect time to strike, with most of the lights out. I had a great meal last night, but I felt thirsty again...maybe because I healed? I would definitely have to be more careful with sunlight.

Finally, I spotted Twilight, who was using her horn as a light source. It looked like she had put away the spellbook into her saddlebags...which could be bad, as maybe it meant she memorized them.

I turned into my vampony form near her and walked up slowl.

Twilight turned, looking confused, and said "Oh miss, Nightmare Night is next week." She sounded rather...out of it. She then closed her eyes and grinned. "Uh...nice costume though."

Twilight turned away, and seemed to ponder things, with her hoof on her chin. I realized I didn't have much time, and jumped on her, tackling her!

Twilight yelled "HEY!"

I then grabbed the magic-suppressing ring I had and placed it on Twilight's horn.

She tried to cast something, but it fizzled out, a spark from her horn turning a piece of her saddlebags to stone. I was glad to see it worked, I would've been a statue otherwise! Twilight struggled to break free and said "Ugh, well I guess I'll just have to do things the old-fashioned way then!" She tried to shake me off by bucking with her hind legs, but it didn't work.

I rolled my eyes and wrapped my hooves around Twilight's neck. I got her on the ground, pinning her down by sitting on her shoulders while stabbing her. She was struggling to shake me off, but without success as her blood puddling out left her weakened. She said "I wish my friends were here, UGH! ANYPO-"

I quickly hit her in the mouth to try and make sure she wouldn't be heard.

Twilight then tried to focus for several seconds and cast a spell again, likely to teleport out, but the magic-suppressing ring reduced it to mere sparks as before...which only succeeded in sending parts of her mane somewhere else. She looked around on the ground and then shot her hooves at the wooden stake which had slipped out of her saddlebags. She whimpered "Almost... Almost..." Twilight rolled over and now I was on the ground, and she was on top of me, straddling my stomach.

She yelled "Gotcha!" while pinning me and trying to grab the stake and garlic.

I was starting to get scared, as my hooves were getting tired and I couldn't push her off.

She looked at me and coughed out "You shouldn't have messed with me!" while glaring. She was clearly having trouble from her injuries at this point, and weakly slapped me with a wing as she took hold of the stake. She slammed it down, but it missed my chest and glanced off one of my hooves.

I screamed a bit, and a bit of blood from where I stabbed her stomach managed to get into my fangs, giving me strength! I then punched her square in the nose as hard as I could.

She fell onto her back, with blood leaking from her nose. She tried to get up, but couldn't move much because of her injury and blood loss.

I grabbed my Iron axe and said "Good night, Twilight..." and laughed like a madpony as I raised my axe. Twilight tried to crawl away, but I brought my axe down and chopped her head clean off. Her expression was one of terror as her eyes widened and darted around in her final conscious moments. Meanwhile, blood was oozing from her neck, making me feel a sense of overwhelming excitement. I lapped up the blood around as best I could, and sunk my fangs into her belly to inject some anti-coagulants. Soon, the neck fountain had slowed, and I used my axe to open up her chest. Inside, I could see her red, tender heart, and her white, cracked ribs. I started licking the blood from the axe and her body, then drank directly from her heart, filling me up.

I realized however...that I couldn't possibly drink all the rest now, due to being already bloated with blood. I thought a bit, and realized Sweet Apple Acres had jars I could use to store blood for later... Giddy at my realization, I decided to play around, so I reached into Twilight's belly and grabbed some of her long, pink intestines, then cut them out with my knife and used them as a jump rope. As I did so, I looked back at her head...it blinked slowly at me, and her face slowly contorted into one of disgust, with her tongue out. Huh, an alicorn's magical nature must be able keep their severed head alive a while, but it was obviously nearing its limits. I realized there was an opportunity here to prank her and smirked, then placed her snout right up against her corpse's rear. I giggled like a madpony as I left the scene.

I quickly flew to Sweet Apple Acres, and saw Big Mac sleeping with his head in his hooves. He had a stand with a yellow sign that read "Apple Jam for 10 bits!" I stole 3 jars of Apple jam, opened the lids, and poured the apple jam out. I then slit Big Mac's throat, making him wake up briefly only to gurgle a bit before passing out, and made deep cuts all over his body, along with a bite to make sure the blood wouldn't coagulate. I then grabbed the jars and tilted them to where the blood was leaking from, and after half an hour and a lot of patience later, two of the jars were filled halfway.

I went back to do the same to Twilight's body, hoping that nopony had stumbled on it in the full moonlight. I liked the moonlight, but it meant ponies could see fairly well. Thankfully, her head was right where I left it, and her eyes weren't moving at all by this point, so I breathed a sigh of relief and got to work turning her over to extract the remaining blood, licking up some that wouldn't get into the jar.

However, I heard hoofsteps nearby. Soon, I heard a voice that sounded like Fluttershy, and scared, say "Hello, i-is somepony over there?"

Another voice, which sounded like Rainbow Dash, piped up "Twilight? That you?"

With all this bloating, I knew that I couldn't take on both... I quickly walked away from Twilight's body and looked at my options...aha, a bush! I hid in it and got into a squatting position. I cleared my throat a bit and said "Um...I'm not Twilight, just uh...out on a walk and..."

Fluttershy came a bit closer and said "Oh, Derpy! Thank goodness, I was worried there was a monster about." She trotted ever closer, while what looked to be Rainbow flew a bit to the side...

I then started peeing, making sure to force it so she'd hear. "Um, a little privacy, please? I had to go..."

Fluttershy gasped and turned her head away. "Oh! Oh, right, sorry...Um...why are you out here?"

Rainbow stifled a giggle, then got jabbed in the side by Fluttershy, and added "...uh, well, where's Twilight? She was right around here..."

They might be onto me... I thought quickly and shouted "Night exercise!" I thought a bit more and said "Oh, I saw Twilight about an hour ago, she told me there might be a monster, and I looked around for it, but uh...I was just about to head back. She went home for the night."

Fluttershy seemed to buy it as she said "Uh-huh, okay, sorry to uh, invade your privacy, I'll be going now..." She trotted off hurriedly, then started to fly, with Rainbow Dash not far behind.

I finished up and headed over to Twilight. The jar was only half-full, but maybe it would be enough... I looked over to where the two went, and saw them flying back this way! They must've been pretending to buy my story! I panicked and left the jar, flying back towards my cave.

Soon after, I heard a scream and Fluttershy calling for help. Now, everypony would know it was me...