“Oh come on!”
“No!”
“But we need you! The world needs you!”
“I don’t want to.”
Garbunkle slapped his head with his clawed hand. The cavern shook and large stalactites fell from the ceiling. Luckily the small group hid under a protected overhang. Shards of calcium struck the smoothed walls around them.
“Come on,” Garbunkle pleaded, his little blue magician’s hat jingled as he moved. “You’re the only one that has a ranged attack weapon, Captain Wuzz. That Terror-esque isn’t going away and I’m out of spell slots.”
“Well you should have thought about that before,” whined the blonde-haired draconequus. He turned away from the offending party, arms crossed.
“Before? Before what?!” The ground shook again, sending Garbunkle the wizard onto his back. Things were dire for their poor world.
“Before you ate the last brownie. That one was specially made for me by Fluttershy,” sulked Captain Wuzz.
“I thought she made them for all of us.” The wizard lifted himself up. He looked to the fallen paladin, Sir Mcbiggen. The large unicorn lay in a heap of cuts and bruises.
“She did,” explained the deflated ranger. “But she made the last one, especially for me. It had the correct amount of spices she uses.”
“Well, then you should have taken it first. The town of Tavernsville is about to be destroyed if we don’t act now. All of Forgotten Lands are at stake!”
“If I took it first it wouldn’t be the last one, would it. I always have the last scone or muffin at her tea parties. She makes them special.” The draconequus sat down on the quaking earth. A mighty roar shook all their ears. Captain Wuzz wasn’t phased.
“Do you have any arrows of disarmament left, Sir McBiggen?” Garbunkle asked as he knocked the calcium off his cape.
“Eeenope!” The fallen unicorn weakly admitted. The world seemed to sway sideways but righted itself most painfully.
“That was a world warp blast!” The little wizard scrambled further back into the cave. An explosion of wood splintering, rocks shearing, and screaming reached their hideout. “I think Tavernsville is gone! It had my favorite tavern, Captain Wuzz!”
“Well, you’re the Ogre Maste—”
“Oubliette Keeper!” corrected the dragon for the umpteenth time.
“Whatever. You can just say the town didn’t get destroyed. And that the ‘Purple-Maned Princess’ is still there.” Captain Wuzz laid down and began to count the arrows of disarmament he had in his quiver. It was a lot.
“I’m not the OK today. We discussed it. I’m rolling all the happenings randomly so I can be a player too.” Garbunkle shouted over the screeching cry of the Terror-esque.
“Well, that certainly isn’t my fault you shirked your duties.”
“I wanted to play, Captain Wuzz! It’s hard running every game. And you took the last can of Morning Dew.” The wizard pointed his stubby little finger accusingly at the draconequus.
“Those weren’t made specifically to your tastes. Hardly comparable.” The ranger picked up a stone absently and tossed it.
“Fine! Fine! I’ll make you a whole plate of brownies if you just save the world.” The little wizard kneeled on the ground, hands clasped.
“A whole plate of your brownies isn’t worth one of Fluttershy’s.” The Captain wasn’t budging.
“Ok ok, I’ll consult the oracle then.” Garbunkle pulled a claw-sized orb from his cloak. It glowed with an opalescent light. Sir McBiggen always found it made him queasy.
“Oh mighty oracle of Thence, bring forth your barring on these events.” The orb roughly shook. A small triangular wedge floated up from the mystical depths. Garfunkel read its prophetic message aloud. “If you and Sir McBiggen fight and are in mortal danger, I… er…I mean Captain Wuzz will probably come to your aid.”
Garbunkle cocked an eyebrow at the orb. “Well, that was oddly specific.”
“And wrong.” The Captain put his mismatched hands on his scaled hips. “I shan’t come and save you. Brownie thief.”
“Come on Sir McBiggen, looks like Captain Sulk is going to sit on his tail while we save Forgotten Lands.” Garbunkle rose definitely.
“Nope! Nope! Nope!” The knight backed away from the danger that hadn’t presented itself yet. The giant unicorn huddled into a small crag.
“Come on, Bi-Sir McBiggen, this the most fearsome monster in all Forgotten Lands. We have to save the world. No pony else can do it. We have to try.” Garbunkle grabbed the paladin’s armor. “You are the strongest unicorn in the land. If you don’t help, who will?”
The large pony looked away. His strength was a fraction of what it was. The dark dwellers that lived near the Terror-esque took a lot out of him. He looked up at the wizard, his eyes briefly lost their focus.
“It’s ok McBiggen, you still have 150 hit points left. And you’re wearing the armor of slashing damage resistance. You still have the sword of greater cleavage. I still have a few wands left and the orb of shrinkage. We can at least save some of the ones we fight for.” Garfunkel pulled out his most prized possession, the tie from Princess Shmarity’s mane. He held it in his claw and a flash of determination crossed his face.
The large knight pulled the small bell he was given by his love, Sugar Pie. If the world was in danger, so was she. The idea of letting her just get obliterated was not an option. Slowly and painfully he got onto his hooves. It was time to save the world again.
“Let’s go!” The young adventurers left the cave and the sulking draconequus and hit the open air. Smoke and ash filled their lungs immediately. The land was burning. In the distance, a large hulking mass of scales, and muscle shook the ground.
“That thing is huge!” Garbunkle cried as the beast screamed. The very clouds of smoke dispersed in its cry. The mouth was wide enough to eat twenty McBiggens and still say chubby winterchilla. If it could speak. Which it couldn’t.
“Eeeyup!” The knight agreed, trembling with fear. His muscles and bones were sore but the adrenaline was curing that condition. It was time to act.
“Ok, McBiggen, I’ll try to immobilize its feet, you slash off as many bits of it as you can.” Garbunkle pulled a knot-covered wand from his satchel.
“Yeeeup.”
The wizard pointed his wand at the gigantic clawed feet. “Well. Here goes.” He swallowed hard and felt the energy flow through the wand. It buzzed with life and sparks of pink sprinkled around it.
The sparks condensed on the tip and a beam of pink light shot out. It got thicker and thicker as it flew through the air, becoming a gooey sticky mess as it stuck to the creature's small toe.
The Terror-esque tried to move its foot but was held by the sticktastic fluid. It bellowed in aggravation and pulled on its stuck leg.
“Yes! Now McBiggen fly up there and—“
The ground shook and the adventurers fell. Large fissures zigzagged through the dry ground as the massive leg bulged and strained. An ear-shattering crack ripped through the air as the toe broke the earth under its foot. Shards of sharpened rock jutted out from under the toe in a deadly fashion.
“I think that just made things worse!” Garbunkle shouted as they dodged the spiked appendage.
“Eeeyup!”
The large unicorn flew through the air, his body glowing yellow. Fire reflected off his shining dark armor and he held his sword of greater cleavage in his teeth. Death was in his eyes, nothing short of it would stop him.
“Eeeeeeerrggh,” the mighty warrior growled as his blade struck the arm of the Terror-esque. It felt like hitting an iron tree. Sparks flew through the air as the magic bit into the impossibly thick hide. McBiggen’s teeth rattled as the sword ripped through steel skin, bone, and sinew. His neck tightened, keeping the blade in place.
The buzzing from the sword’s magical edge was lost in the sound of tearing meat. Finally, McBiggen finished his impossible arc and landed on the ground in front of the fallen limb.
“Yes! I told you Sir McBiggen! The sword never fails to cleave.” Garbunkle rushed to the mighty knight, as a strange sound caught their ears.
The severed stump began to bubble and pour black ichor from its wound. The tar congealed into a horribly familiar shape. Five familiar shapes. The dull copper scales ran along each one like an extending telescope. Soon five mighty limbs replaced the lost one, which caught fire and released poisonous smoke.
“That’s not good!” Garbunkle shouted.
“Eeenope!”
“Ahhh,” Garbunkle screamed as a spike from the behemoth’s leg nearly skewered him. “I just lost 30 hit points from one strike! This might be impossible. I don’t even think my death flute will work at this point.”
“Eeeyup,” agreed the bleeding comrade. He swung his sword through the dangerous spike, lobbing it off like cutting through a hunk of cheese.
The monster roared in annoyance. An earthquake followed. The brave warriors fell to the ground. Dust filled their eyes and noses. Their throats burned from the ash that rained down on them.
“This is bad! We-we can’t defeat this thing. We have to come up with some plan. Maybe we can capture it or put it to sleep somehow.” Garbunkle had to shout over the wild winds of the creature breathing. Its massive head reached down at him.
“Look out!” McBiggen shouted but the little wizard couldn’t run in time. He just froze. The gaping maw of death descended with teeth made of dozens of swords. There was no escape, he was doomed.
An arrow shot through the air and struck the monstrosity on the nose. The thick plates that protected it from any strike, slid off as the magic burned through them. The creature roared in agony.
Garbunkle was blasted into the nearby bushes from its cry alone. Both he and the paladin turned to the arrow’s source.
Captain Wuzz drew back his bow of little practicing and sent forth another arrow of disarmament. It caused another cascade of scales to shower the ground. The Captain flashed his teeth in well-deserved admiration.
“Did you just leave the cave just now?” Garbunkle asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Of course. I wasn’t going into that poisonous smoke, I would lose all my hit points on the way.” The ranger placed his hand on his hip.
“You can only walk 30 squares a round, Captain. We’re at least 300 away,” Garbunkle sighed.
“Oh well, I guess I could just go back and walk all the way here.” Wuzz turned and began to move away.
“No! It’s fine! Let’s just take down this thing and save Forgotten Lands!” The wizard raised his flute of death.
“Eeeyup!” The sword of greater cleavage gleamed in the light of the burning debris.
“Sure. Why not?” The Captain’s arrow pulled back and trembled with anticipation.
“How is this thing still standing?!” Garbunkle looked at the layers of new scales and limbs that lined the ground. The air was thick with the poisonous gas it produced. Luckily he had found gorgets of air filtering for the party.
“Well somebody said all we needed to use were the arrows of disarmament. It was the key, he said.” Captain Wuzz looked at the empty quiver in disgust.
“Huff huff” panted the exhausted knight. His blade sunk into the earth. His neck muscles burned and trembled with overuse.
“There’s nothing we can do!” Garbunkle flailed his little arms.
“Tsk tsk.” The disappointed archer chided. “You can’t lose hope now. What would Schmarity say? There is at least one thing we haven’t tried.”
“You don’t mean-“
“I do.”
“But we don’t even know what that does. It’s so random. We can’t leave this to dice!”
“Look, I don’t want to either but it’s all I have left.” Captain Wuzz shrugged and reached into the back pouch of his quiver. His hand trembled involuntarily as he lifted an item he swore he would never use.
It was a wand. A wooden shaft that spiraled like a spring at the end. It shown with a myriad of colored hues as the light struck it. A small carved circle with eight arrows pointed away from the center.
“It’s time to move past my backstory trauma,” Wuzz declared. “I forgive you… dad.”
The wand lit up polka-dotted and fired at the beast of doom. A large pulse of plaid energy blasted from the center of the spiral and wrapped around the monstrosity. The harsh cry of surprise was cut off as the purple and black energy enclosed over it. A myriad of silhouettes took the place of the grotesque beast.
“What’s going on?!” Garbunkle shouted.
“I can truly say... I don’t know.” Captain Wuzz bit his lower lip as he watched the shifting shadows inside. The magic swirled like a disturbed mind. It bubbled here and trickled there. The tartan sphere fell leaving a small chicken where the Terror-esque once stood. It clucked and began to peck the ground.
“Uhh… is it over?” The little wizard peered at the chicken from behind a half-scorched tree. The chicken looked up. Then pecked at the ground again.
“It would appear so.” The captain placed a claw in his mouth then shrugged.
“And all you had to do to use it was forgive your dad?”
“Yes. I refused to touch it otherwise.” Captain Wuzz, carefully returned the wand into his quiver.
“What did he do?” Garbunkle put out a few fires with his whirlwind wand.
“Took the last brownie.”