What was the meaning of the world? Why did it exist, and how? Because at the end of the day, everycreature poured out their hearts and souls to achieve one single thing- death. Blood, sweat, and tears, just to demise, the same as any other who had never tried. No meaning, no greater achievement.
An explosion of blinding light and glitter spun around the sky, as a distance force sucked her into someplace- some area, but what was the reason? Because at the end of the day, no matter how long Celestia lived, she would die. The promise of “a hundred times the life of a commoner” was pleasing at thought- but the age increase did her no good. No longer would she get wiser.
It was all just a shield. That was what she learned, finally. The reason alicorns could preserve life for so long- (rumored to be eternity, though that was clearly not the case)- was because the power from all three tribes colliding into one created a force. This force prevented many means of harm- but definitely not all. It preserved them from dying easily (falling off buildings, lack of air, cuts and wounds, etc.) but it could also be broken. By what? Magic, of course. Only the magic from an alicorn could break the shield of another. Maybe that’s why Luna passed that day, and why Celestia didn’t.
The sky swirled around her, but her eyes were jammed shut. Her lungs were pressed down, and she found it hard to breathe at all. Cold waves of air passed around her.
“The more you panic, the longer it’ll take.” a soothing, raspy voice called out.
Celestia could hear, yet she couldn’t breathe. It would be okay, one- two- three- four… Her forearms, which were flaling miserably, drooped to their place.
Waiting for something to happen?
The thought flashed in her mind as her eyes clapped shut. The world dimmed by a considerable amount as she gasped, her lungs bursting for the sweet air around her. Panting and lifting her eyelids, she realized she was surrounded in darkness now. No- not darkness. She knew darkness from her nightmares. This was… dimness, not too much light, but a bit of it, at least. The navy-blue sky sparkled in the distance.
“And I thought you were going to fade away!” Star Swirl exclaimed, handing a shaky hoof to the princess.
She accepted it hastily, pulling herself up. “Where in heavens are we?” the alicorn demanded, angry he saw that weak part of her. “And what just happened?”
Tiny orbs flashed around her, but she didn’t dare gaze in. Celestia pushed them away.
“Welcome,” he smiled, “to the dreamworld.”
The princess fluffed her wings, drawing in a sharp breath. The dream world? What now?
“What?”
“I told you, we’re in the dream world. This is a place where you can see everypony’s dreams, and nightmares. Even from the past. I was… supposed to bring her here, and show her this place… But it was too late.”
Celestia almost glared at him, in confusion. How were they here? Everything was such a blur. He was supposed to bring Luna here? She didn’t understand.
She didn’t want to understand.
Star Swirl cleared his throat, sitting down. “You can relax. Just take a seat. I’ve been here many times, there’s nothing dangerous!”
He stared at her as she just stood there, in slight shock. The alicorn blinked slowly, trying to process everything. What had just pulled her in…? Why was Luna supposed to be here? And how did…
Star Swirl looked around, grasping little orb-like stars, bringing them near his face.
“Looks like all dreams are wonderful today. There’s not many… Only the few ponies who nap in the morning. But that’s why I brought you now, because it’d be too overwhelming at night.”
“Why did you want me to… see this place?”
“Because I wanted to show you this. Someone needs to keep care of the dream world, right?”
The white mare pushed her ears down instinctively, and almost yelled at Star Swirl. Did the old man not understand how overworked she already was? She had to work for the whole of Equestria, raise the sun and moon, order everypony around, decide on everything, all while she was haunted by some sadist ghost. Now she was expected to care for this? But she was quiet.
“The truth… I’m sure you wonder…” he paused, twirling the tip of his beard slightly. “Look, I can access any dream from here, ever. And I almost come every night, though I need to defend Equestria alongside the Pillars. And… I’ve seen your nightmare.”
Now the alicorn settled in anxiety, her mouth twitching before she formed a full sentence. “No… no… you couldn’t have seen?…”
“Relax, dear. It’s completely normal to be having… dreams of guilt… after everything that took place. Boy, you are such a brave one- defeating your own sister and banishing her to the moon for 1000 years. You had that much hope and dedication for the land of Equestria. But it’s no mistake that you’d have guilt for it. But you need to learn to let go. You see, you’ll be able to see Luna once more, and she’ll be back to normal. She’ll forgive you, and once more you can rule in harmony.
“A thousand years may seem like eternity now, but you’re an alicorn. A hundred times the life of a normal pony. You’ll see her again… When she’s unleashed from the moon. And I know her. She’ll be proud.”
No.
This is exactly why she didn’t want to talk to anyone, this is exactly why she couldn’t even face her old mentor.
Even he didn’t understand. Nopony ever would. They all thought she was some hero, putting the people first, and protecting them through her fear. If anypony understood, it would’ve been Star Swirl.
But she wasn’t a hero.
She was the exact opposite and nobody would ever see that.
But…
What would happen if they did? What if one day, the princess they loved and trusted came out as a murderer? What would she do? Celestia had nothing left to live for. She couldn’t live like that. She could live in torture. She could live in everlasting self-hate and pain.
But she couldn’t live if she was unloved, if she was wanted dead. If she was hated by everypony, if nobody looked at her and thought she at least deserved to breathe- if…
Celestia KNEW she didn’t deserve a second chance. Celestia knew that she deserved to be ostracized, killed, burned… And part of her wanted to be. She wanted to let go of the worries of life and just die. She wanted to kill herself and just end the guilt. Maybe the ponies would care for a bit, before they found someone to replace her, someone worthy. What did they do to deserve a queen like this?
“Celestia? Celestia-!”
Celestia wanted to forget about all her problems. Celestia wanted to forget about everything that existed.
She wanted to die.
She wanted to die.
“Princess, can you hear me? Please, just listen, you’re hurting yourself-“
Celestia was tired of just waiting. Celestia didn’t want to live in guilt. Celestia wanted to feel every ounce of pain her sister felt that day. Celestia couldn’t live in a world where everyone… hated her. Where everypony wanted her dead. Celestia…
Celestia felt weak. Celestia felt helpless. Celestia felt like she was paralyzed and couldn’t move. Celestia didn’t want responsibilities. She couldn’t take it.
She couldn’t take it.
She. couldn’t. take. it.
She hated herself more than anypony could.
She wanted to die.
She wanted to rip her arms off and bleed and bleed until she couldn’t feel.
“Celestia, please, whatever you’re thinking isn’t real… I’m right here, don’t do this!”
The world spiraled into darkness once more. This time some part of her held conciousness. Celestia wasn’t dying.
“Please stay awake! It’s not safe…” the sentence was drowned out.
Celestia could breathe.
Celestia could feel. Nothing, at the moment, but she felt it.
Celestia could see. Nothing, at the moment, but she saw it.
Celestia didn’t know, but it was alright that way.
It was so much finer than continuing in a world where she would have to act like a hero for the rest of her life. A part of her knew she would not stay here forever. The rest of her was okay pretending she would be. The princess smelled salt, or… rather, believed she did. She couldn’t smell it herself, but knew she did, somehow.
She also knew she was surrounded. By water, maybe an ocean. It was deep. The water flowed into her eyes. It burned, but she didn’t feel it too well, she just was aware it was there. She could breathe. It was alright here, even if she knew nothing. Even if she was too confused to think about it clearly. Maybe she didn’t want to.
Her ears perked up, and finally she could hear. She heard a little song. It was lovely, unlike any melody she had heard before. It filled her with a little hope. A hope she didn’t know her body could create, she didn’t want her body to create. Celestia couldn’t focus on the lyrics, but it was a blessing to her ears. Some feeling she couldn’t explain. She wanted to cry and laugh and rejoice at the same time. She was at peace.
But… she wasn’t. Who was she in a world where she didn’t know what was happening? Who was she in a world where nothing happened, and nothing was felt? What good was she if she just ran away from her problems?
Why couldn’t… she just stay here for some time? In this wonderful, filling world of hers?
Celestia could… see. She saw a glow in the distance. Her eyes were glued shut. Then she opened them. Maybe something in her told her not to, but curiosity drove over. Hmm, maybe it was sheer fate. Or, something else. Someone else.
The room was empty. There was no ocean, there was no entity singing her a song. It was… A black room. With a little light seeping through. There was nobody. There was nothing. Her head, likewise, was empty as well- yet to process what was happening, let alone where she was.
And soon, Celestia was floating. She didn’t question it. She didn’t even think of moving, but she was. Launching towards the light, the alicorns wings fluttered a bit. But she didn’t fear. There was nothing to fear. There was nothing to love. There was nothing to live for, here in this empty world, which had just seemed oh so utopian.
And for a second, she wondered if it was better inside the world of Equestria. Equestria, where she suffered. The land which she ruled over, which she would rule over, until her sanity would completely slip away. The land which took her sister. The land which took everything from her.
No.
Not… everything. Deep in her heart, Celestia knew she had something. Was she willing to escape this darkness-filled dream would to find it? If it even existed?
Celestia didn’t really want to stay here forever, with nothing to do, nothing to live for.
Celestia didn’t want all her suffering to be for nothing.
Celestia only had an inch of hope that whatever was in the real world would make her smile once more. Maybe it was her people. Her loving, loyal people. Maybe they would bring her somewhere she wanted to be. Maybe they would support her and once more give her a will to live.
So yes. She was ninety-nine percent sure nothing would ever make her feel loved again. Make her feel worthy again. Half of her still remembered the suicidal and tortuous mindset she had been in… minutes, hours? ago. But the one percent… that miniscule percent… drove her on. Wherever she was… She wanted to go back.
She was launching towards the light. She could hear the music again, now.
Focus on the lyrics, focus on the beat. Focus, focus.
Celestia gasped, air filling her lungs. Someone stood besides her. Where was she? Star Swirl. It was Star Swirl besides her. Everything rushed back to her. Did she… black out in the dream world? Was she driven into a… coma? A nightmare? Why was Star Swirl besides her, unresponsive? Why was the world so blurry?
She realized, then. She hadn’t escaped. She was still in a dream. Maybe not in her nightmare, but… somebody’s dream. Celestia saw a crowd, yelling and screaming. Her eyebrows furrowed. The moon was down. They were in front of… goodness, it was so blurry, and the color was rushing in and out of her eyes…
Castle.
Castle.
The castle. Her castle. That castle. They were…
It was a replaying of a memory, or something, wasn’t it? But… wasn’t it a dream? Maybe Star Swirl was showing it to her. Sick. Sick. That was sick. Why would he show her this? It was a memory of one of her worshippers on the night of the Summer Sun Celebration.
The pony was looking up at a tall, elegant mare. As her eyesight normalized, she realized how… drained she looked. That was her, in her shining dress, that probably outshined herself. She looked… horrible, didn’t she? Well, she didn’t know if she really looked that bad, or if it was the dream thwarting herself. She knew she looked older, but now… That wasn’t her. She still looked elegant, not like the hallucination she saw of herself.
The other Celestia rushed out, running inside. Everypony gasped, rumors lurking in the air. She heard… every one.
“Is she mad?”
“What’s wrong? Our princess…”
“I’ve told you all, ever since that Luna’s been banished, she’s lost it.”
“She can’t even face us?”
“God, what happened to her?”
“She’s turned into a ghost of herself!”
“She’s almost like a monster!”
Stop, stop. Celestia heard enough.
She took it back. She wanted to go back nowhere. These people didn’t get it, they never would. She didn’t blame them. How could she? Maybe what they said was true. But it wasn’t that.
They didn’t believe in her.
They already hated her, already thought she was a monster. And they didn’t know the truth. They didn’t know half of it. She had nothing to rely on.
Why couldn’t she go back to her nice little dream? The world where she would need no acceptance, would have no worries? Everything… would fail her. She had failed everything.
She sharply looked to her side, fuming that Star Swirl would show her such a moment. But Celestia recoiled in surprise, realizing it wasn’t really him, but a greyed-figure of him. Still. Very still.
“Star… Swirl?” hastily, she waved her long hoof in front of his frozen face, almost statue-like. Even if he could respond, she doubted she would hear it over the crowd. She wanted to drown it out… forget it all…
But why was Star Swirl not there? And if he wasn’t controlling the dream, memory, whatever, then who was? She closed her eyes once more, hoping the blackness would reappear-
“Celestia, please, I’m waiting,” a sob cried out. In rung again and again in her ears, until she had the strength to pull her eyelids open. She could feel.
Oh.
She could feel.
She was back exactly where they started. The cool grass was against her back, and she was once more on the ground. Her senses all rushed back to her at once- it was rather overwhelming. Celestia nervously drifted her eyes as much as she could, wiping a cold sweat off her forehead. Finally, she heard the cries of the pony on her side. The grey unicorn was nearly in tears, his horn on her side.
“Star…?” That was all she could say, but Star Swirl somehow understood what she was asking.
“My Celestia… Don’t worry, everything’s okay. No, I’ll explain, I’ll explain!” he paused. “I tried to- I was trying to help you but… You fell into something in the dream world. Something… unnatural? Something filled with dark emotions. You basically passed out, and you fell into a nightmare dream in the dream world. That… Is nearly one of the most dangerous things one can do. I didn’t know if I could get you out. Especially since the negative emotions would create a permanent dream reality. You would’ve never escaped.
“I attempted to show you a fond memory from sometime to bring you back, out of your nightmare. And somehow, it pulled you in, but something of yours pushed me out. Maybe it was the negative emotions. The dream was thwarted and I fell back into the real world, hurrying to get you here too.” He breathed, barely stopping.
“It’s a lot… I know. But you’re safe now. You’re safe. I know it might have been a mistake bringing you in. But… Maybe in a few days, we can meet again, and just do something safe. Something familiar. Come, let’s get back to the castle…”
Celestia did not understand anything he said until she was slowly getting up to her feet. Surprise surprise, that was a bad idea, because she fell right back down. But with further assistance, she was able to trudge herself back into the castle. The guards took hold of her fragile body immediately, escorting her. Star Swirl trotted in the back.
She exhaled, opening the doors to her room with her magic. She wearily helped herself onto her bed. She would not sleep for a good two days. Maybe it would take a while for her to understand. Maybe Luna would explain it to her, when everypony was gone. Maybe Luna would yell at her. No, Luna would yell at her. It was decided.
She didn’t want that. She really didn’t…
“Celestia… I’m so sorry. Rest now, for today. Tomorrow will be better, I promise. I’ll come see you then, maybe, okay?”
“…Where?” she whispered, pulling her sheets to her face.
“I’m going… to talk to an old friend.” Star Swirl smiled. “I’ll be back. But… Please don’t dream, for a while.”
And at that, he exited, without another word.
Luna flashed back. Celestia didn’t want to see her at all. But Luna really didn’t care. Whatever Celestia said, she would never go away. She would never stop speaking.
“Look what the cat dragged in. God, what’s happened to you? Just kidding, I know what you’ve seen. I know, I was there!” she cackled.
“Please…”
“What’re you begging for, lucky dog? Little didya know, I’m here to make an offer withya! I know how much the people already judge you. Imagine now, how they’ll be when I tell em the truth! Just imagine how horrifying that’d be! How much they’d hate you. Maybe they’d even raid and kill you! Maybe they’d ostracize you. Well, remember, I have to tell them. Only four days left. But you know… I’ve got a deal.”
Celestia genuinely forgot about the reason Luna was here. Listening to her words made her sick.
“If you’re that desperate, I’ll give you this; I’ll never tell a soul the truth. No, I’ll have to rip my plan of solidifying myself to become a real pony that people can see and hear for this! But, there’s a catch. I won’t tell a soul, but I’ll never leave either. You’ll have to live with me forever. I won’t disappear after the fifth day. So what is it, sisterrrr?”
Celestia wanted to throw up. God. Why? Why was she here?
She felt tired again… She… Hated herself, hated everything so much.
They probably would hate her ten times more than this.
They would strip her of every little thing she had left. Her castle, her praise… But they’d leave her living. Living and tortured. None of them could kill her. None of them would save her.
She could never be saved. No matter…
“I…”
“What is it? Do you accept?”
“I…”
Celestia had nothing. She would have even less if she didn’t accept. Maybe she should just do so.
Maybe she could have something in life, even if Luna never went away. Even if she was living in pain. Because Luna was here. That was Celestia’s wish, wasn’t it? She never wished, at first at least, to be saved. She wanted Luna to be saved, Luna to come back. Here she was. And here she would be, even if she was breaking every last part of her big sister as each second passed. And she could maybe live a normal life again.
Celestia would be tortured either way. But she wanted to make it up. She wanted to make Luna live the life she wanted.
“I accept.”