//------------------------------// // The Britishmen Cometh // Story: My Little Pony Is A Nightmare - This is Why // by Stalin with Da Spoon //------------------------------// We start our story in the home of Matthew Hamlin, AKA the famous youtuber UpIsNotJump, as he is preparing to review a brand new hit VR game about the infamous cartoon series My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Now, Matthew isn't a brony, but apparently the reviews of this game have been very positive, claiming to be the most realistic game ever made. Now, the suspicious thing was, that was the only review, and yet, the game got five stars. What was really weird is how a complete stranger had emailed him about this game, asking him to review it, claiming it was worth it for a video. "Right, this totally isn't a scam." Upisnotjump said, as he inspected the games store page, seeing absolutely zero downloads, details, or pictures of the game. However, seeing as he desperately needed content, and the game was free... "Yeah fuck it." He said shrugging his arms in acceptance, hitting the download button, seeing as it was basically free content. The game actually took a fair few minutes to download, which was actually a good sign, as it meant the game probably wasn't a virus and the singular review about realism might be true. While he waited, he did some calibrations of his VR headset, getting it up and running to ensure he was ready to play this so-called masterpiece of VR gaming. After finishing said calibrations, he decided to pet his cat khajiit on the head. "You disgrace me with your pets human." The cat said as he was violated by his human, before a notification popped up on the computer, indicating the download process was complete. Upisnotjump walked over to his computer, clicked the 'Play' button, set up his recording equipment, grasped his headset, and slowly lowered it onto his head. He then reached and gripped his controllers, and waited. And waited... And waited... "Huh, maybe this game really is just shi-" Before he could finish, a bright flash of flight enveloped him, blinding him as he screamed out. "AHHHHHHHHHH-" And with that, he vanished, Kjajiit looking up from looking himself in confusion, before returning to his self licking. It was a nice, peaceful day in the town of Ponyville, until it wasn't. Pinkie, dramatic music please. "Dun dun DUUUUUN!" Thank you Pinkie. "Your welcome, Mr narrator!" Now then, where was I? Oh yes, Twilight and her friends, as well as her brother Shining Armor and his wife, Cadance, and the two diarch sisters, Celestia and Luna, were all having a hang-out at Twilight's castle of friendship, as today was the anniversary of Twilight becoming an alicorn, with much partying being done, courtesy of Pinkie Pie. As everyone chatted and conversed, a bright flash of light suddenly blinded everyone in the room. After it dissipated, everyone looked to the source to a see a strange bi pedal figure wearing some sort of strange helmet on his face and odd tools in his hands. The figure slowly lifted the helmet of their face and looked around, sufficiently confused, as it then spoke. "Where the fuck am I?" The man then noticed the multiple technicolor ponies of varying sizes and colors looking at him weirdly, as he was hit with a realization. "Ah fuck, I see what that guy meant by realistic." Now, Upisnotjump was completely confused about this whole thing, as it wasn't every day a sketchy VR game teleported him to another dimension, but he tried to stay calm. That is, until the purple pony with wings and a horn talked. "Ummmm... Hi?" What followed can be described as a perfectly calm and collected reaction. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" As Upisnotjump screamed, the ponies replied in suite, with more screaming. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" As the ponies screamed, the Britishmen decided to throw his controllers to the ground, and look for a method of escape, as he then saw a large stained glass window. What followed was a perfectly reasonable course of action. Upisnotjump proceeded to YEET himself out the window, falling a full two stories to the ground, as he groaned out in pain. "Ahhh fuck that was a bad idea, why did I do that? Ah fuck it, least I'm away from the magical talking ponies." Suddenly, a loud booming voice sounded out from behind him, as he looked up to see the big white rainbow maned horse looking down at him. "Halt! You have no need to be afraid, strange creature!" The horse spoke out as she flapped her wings, hovering over Upisnotjump, who responded in the way you would expect. "Hows about you go fuck yourself!" He said before breaking out into a full sprint into the town of ponyville, as the ponies watched from the castle in confusion, horror, and in Pinkie's case, excitement, with Luna, Twilight, Cadance, and Rainbow dash, and Fluttershy all quickly taking flight, flying out the damaged window and joining Celestia in pursuit of the strange creature. Meanwhile, Upisnotjump was still in a full on mad dash through the town, before suddenly being blinded by the sun's blinding light, and reacted in a way that made Celestia quite annoyed. "DAMN YOU SUN!" "You dare curse my sun!?!" "It ain't your sun, it's a celestial body! What, your gonna tell me you somehow control it?" "Why yes, yes I do." "Oh, well then... Whats your name?" "Princess Celestia." "Then allow me to re-direct my rage." Ahem. "DAMN YOU CELESTIA!" He said before running away again, as Celestia had a look of red hot rage on her face, being held back by Luna and Twilight. "Thou must control thyself sister!" "Yeah, you need to calm down, princess!" Celestia slowly nodded, calming herself as she and her fellow princesses continued to pursue the strange humanoid, with everyone else pursuing on foot, as Rainbow dash proceeded to try and tackle Upisnotjump, but failing when he took a sharp turn, causing her to collide with a food cart. As Fluttershy landed to tend to the now dazed Rainbow dash, the princesses continued their pursuit. "Were not gonna hurt you, we promise!" "Yea, no need to be afraid!" Cue Upsinotjump yelling out his dis-agreement. "And you think im gonna trust some weird fucking talking technicolor horned winged ponies that I just met?" Cue Twilight preparing a rebuttal, before realizing he had a point. "Fair enough, but still, I promise we won't hurt you!" Upisnotjump still did not believe them, and was just trying to find a way out of this mess, before he stopped right in front of Shining Armor. "Halt! You shall run no longer! Have you no honor as to simply stand your ground?" Suddenly, Upisnotjump felt highly insulted, feeling he had been dealt a direct blow to his pride, as he raised his hand towards Shining Armor in anger. "You dare throw my honor into question?" Suddenly, Upisnotjump pulled out a manequin arm with a sword at the end of it, raising it for battle. "Have at you!" As Shining Armor stepped back in surprise, he decided to indulge the strange creature, conjuring his own blade made of magic, as an epic duel began. All the other ponies just sat back and watched. "Shouldn't we intervene?" Celestia said, only to be hushed by Pinkie. "Are you kidding me? This is the funnies thing I have seen all day!" Suddenly, everyone was surprised when Upisnotjump pulled out a second manequin arm with another sword on the end. "I shall be known as the grand champion!" Cue him overpowering Shining Armor and bringing the noble pony to his pony knees. "Fear me!" "I yield, I yield!" "Good, now can someone tell me where the FUCK I am?" Seeing the beast was no longer running, and was slightly calmed down, Applejack decided to provide some explanation. "Well, ya in Equestria, mister..." "Just call me Matthew." Celestia was glad to see this bi pedal beast was slightly getting along with everyone, but still remained cautious, as she closely inspected the creature. "Tell me... Matthew, how did you get here?" Cue Upisnotjump just shrugging. "I dunno really, was trying out some sort of sketchy VR game, wound up her instead." "Strange... Tell me, what is this 'VR'?" "Oh, well..." Cue Upisnotjump giving a long and lengthy explanation about the history of VR and VR games in general, lasting over ten minutes before he finally finished. "And that is why VR gaming is a nightmare." To be continued...