//------------------------------// // Going Postal // Story: Myou've Gotta be Kidding Me // by DataPacRat //------------------------------// "Hey, Bouncer." "Hey, Missy." "Just coming on-shift?" "Yep. Say... what's that smell? Spicy, almost kind of fruity?" "Cardamom. My favorite spice. Usually, anyway." "... and what're you doing out here?" "Lab accident. Tried coming up with a spell to cover up the city's odor. Not entirely sure what went wrong - other than I overdid it, somehow." "How bad was it?" "We're still trying to air out the lab. It may be a failure as a perfume spell - but it just might work out as a crowd-control gas. Not sure I want everypony to start hating cardamom, though. Maybe I'll try cinnamon, next." "... I think I'm glad you're sticking to pleasant scents." "Could be worse - I could have joined in the betting pools for 'Missy's next lab accident'. Nopony wanted to take my action, though, for some reason." "I can't imagine why not. ... You could still have picked who you wanted to win it, and offered a side-contract with them for a share of the points." "That's why I pushed for any points-based agreement to have to be public to be enforceable. The whole system exists to try to improve all our lives - and with so many ways it can do the opposite, it's a bit tricky heading off any such troubles before they start. Still, looked at the right way, if I can't have fun making certain bets, there's a certain sort of fun to be had looking for ways the system itself can be gamed, and plugging the holes." "... Nopony's going to believe a word of my memoirs, are they?" "Okay, Bouncer," Red said. "We need a messenger, we'd prefer one who can avoid touching the ground, and I've got to keep things organized - so it's you or Blanche. The job's got more potential for danger than shipboard duty, and you've got Guard training, so you seem the best choice for the job. Unless you've got some better reasoning?" "No, ma'am. What sort of message do you have in mind?" "For now, we're playing it straight. I'd like you to try to head straight for this Lord Firebough, if you can, or at least as close to him as you can get. You're to tell him, or whoever the highest ranker you can find, that one of his wolves has attacked Missy, and Missy has come to discuss the matter with him. If you manage that, then you can try making arrangements for a meeting - we'd prefer one aboard the Mikoyan, but getting the meeting is more important than having it here." "I've been observing how you and Missy tend to do things - how many backup plans are in place for something going wrong?" "At least six that we've talked about, and at least two that she hasn't said a word of." "Actually," I threw in, "at least four of those - we'll have to have a talk about what hints I accidentally left that let you pick up on the first two." Red grinned at me. "No hints - I just know you wouldn't let Bouncer go in your place without at least that many." She turned back to the other pegasus, with a more serious expression. "We're going to be entrusting you with a CAT WHISKER to keep us updated on your progress, and every few minutes so we know you're doing fine - and to send us a distress call if you manage to see trouble coming." Bouncer had been working her way through the local bureaucrats for a couple of hours. I was painting a few fake, truly powerless wands to serve as additional camouflage for the gem-holding ones when Red's voice called through the speaking tube, "Yellow alert. Second shift to stations. Third shift to wake up. Owner to the bridge." We hadn't managed to put bells in every room aboard ship, yet, mostly because of a lack of materials; but part of the procedures were for the crew to check on each other and pass the word if need be. If we had gotten more crew, we might have gone to the standard Equestrian system of four watches; but with three watches, I'd pulled a few ideas from a certain mass-media franchise involving pseudo-nautical crews. The points I suggested to Red were reasonably useful, and just different enough from local practice to potentially be confusing to infiltrators or if we were boarded. When I got to the bridge, Red said, "Bouncer missed her five-minute check-in, and hasn't replied to my buzz. We're coming up on the next five-minute mark - if she misses it, I'm taking the Mikoyan in." "How far did she get?" "Her last report was that she was going into Firebough's mansion - it's the biggest one, on the hill, there." "Any other info?" "She's been getting the stink-eye from a lot of the locals. Her word, not mine." "Come to think of it, have we seen any other pegasi since we got here?" "I haven't - or unicorns, either, just earth ponies." "... We can think about that later. In the meantime - should I give sleep wands to everypony?" "It's a bit late to make everypony deal with an entirely new set of tactics. Maybe for next time. And the five-minute-glass is almost out of sand... and there we go." She put a hoof on the bridge's CAT WHISKER's keying switch, and tapped out the signal for a question mark. Not exactly standard, but obvious enough in meaning. She listened carefully for a reply - or any response at all, even a single quick tap. Seconds passed. Nothing happened. "Right," she said. "So much for Plan Bravo. Plan Echo One sound good?" "It's the best option I can think of." Red and I had been improving our Greek-letter plans, off and on, ever since we'd been in the Great Southern Rainforest; and we'd spent more time refining them since we got the Mikoyan. Plan Bravo was still negotiating, what we'd sent Cloud Bouncer off to initiate. Plan Echo was the first of our plans involving force, specifically non-lethal force. A 'One' plan involved us being higher than our opponent - in this case, with a significant lack of non-lethal weapons on the Mikoyan, it basically meant 'loom menacingly over them'. Red started giving orders. "Gem engine to full. Anchor up. Roll out the ballistas. Set course for that hilltop, Y plus thirty yards." The crew scrambled to get everything done, and I worked on my own part of proceedings - thinking hard, trying to come up with what the locals' response would be, and what our response to their response should be. As we started rumbling over the town, there was an increase in noise from underneath, and Tranquil Valley, above us on watch duty, called down through the speaking tubes to report on what we couldn't see from the bridge - mostly, civilians running indoors. As we got nearer and nearer to the hilltop mansion, she finally shouted, "Griffin takeoff!" A squadron of them were flapping hard, climbing up to meet us - or, at least, circle around and around. One of them started shouting at us - but I didn't understand a word. I fired up the translation spell. 'Get back to the docks, you-' was the start of what I managed to understand, and the rest didn't really add anything to that command, though it did add some local color. I asked red, "Back to Bravo?" "Works for me." She grabbed a paper megaphone to reply to the circling griffins. "Our messenger arrived here! We're not leaving without her!" 'Get back, you thrice-eaten slabs of horsemeat!' was the nicest of what we heard back. "Echo-V?" Red asked. I quickly ran through the spells we had available, and the other options - and that seemed to be the least lethal of them all. "Echo-V," I confirmed, and trotted up the steps to where I'd have a clearer view all around us, of the circling griffins. I took one of my wands from the set I'd holstered on my belt, and, carefully aiming it with my hoof, lined it up with the griffin who'd been doing most of the shouting. "Vomitere," I ordered him - and while the effective content of what was coming out of his mouth didn't change, it did alter from gas to liquid, much to the dismay of some rubberneckers below. He didn't crash, he just stuck his wings out for a semi-controlled glide as he kept up-chucking, which meant that I didn't have to Volare him to safety. I heard Red's voice came from below again. "We're here for our messenger!" The remaining griffins squawked a bit amongst themselves, before a new spokesgriffin called out, 'Go back!' I gave him a "Vomitere," and in moments, he wasn't able to do anything besides gliding off, too. This set the remaining half-dozen into a tizzy - or perhaps a frenzy. Either way, the one word I heard was 'Attack!'. I aimed the wand and started saying "Vomiterevomiterevomitere-". The wand's gem ran out about then, but that didn't matter, as I simply drew from the gems in the harness under my uniform. Most of them got stuck in unhappy glides, but one crashed into the side of the Mikoyan. I said "Volare" as I dropped the one wand, grabbed another, and waved it in his general direction. I landed him amidships, the closest safe landing spot - he'd be harmless enough for a little while, and a couple of the crew went to tie him up before he recovered, to make sure he stayed harmless. That seemed to be it, at least for a few minutes - there was no sign of anyone else coming up, or any weapons being readied - or any response at all, really. I gave Trainquil a nod and rejoined Red in the bridge. "I think they're waiting to see what we'll do next," I said to her. "Seems likely. Don't suppose you can Echo-V the whole place at once?" "Even if I could, I don't think we've got enough gems. I think we're going to have to go in." "I assume that you mean 'you' and not 'me'." "True - we'll need you up here in case we need a hasty exit. I figure me for firepower, Blanche and Armina for wings, and one unicorn for backup - Berry Blast, since he's got Guard training. Plan A, Go in, find Bouncer, grab Bouncer, pull out. Plan B, have Blanche and Armina pull out Berry and Bouncer, while I deal with Firebough. Plans C and later - get creative. I'll grab a CAT WHISKER. Have them meet me on Observation - and how about bring the Mikoyan down a tad, and circle around to try looking in the windows?" As I lowered myself through the air, Blanche and Armina were circling around me, Berry dangling underneath Blanche. "I'll go in front," I said to them. "Berry, watch for surprises from behind. Blanche, left, Armina, right. Blanche, you're second-in-command, if I'm busy or something happens to me. If someone attacks, try to block and shield until I can neutralize them. If we can, anyone we see, I'll glue to the floor, truth-zap them, and ask where Bouncer is. If that's not enough, I'll put 'em to sleep. If we need to use more force - we will, and we'll call for reinforcements." We touched down together, in front of the big stone house's front doors, and lined up in a neat little diamond. The doors were unlocked, so we walked in, watching in every direction, each of us ready to respond to anything that jumped out at us. In the entrance hall, nothing did. Chest-seats along the wall, some rather stained tapestries, a few doors - but no defensive guards, or even servants, dependents, supplicants, or random hangers-about. I wasn't hearing anything from Red over the CAT WHISKER yet, so told the trio, "Straight on through." We passed through a few rooms, and, as far as we could tell, the whole place was deserted. When we got to the back wall, looking over what might have been intended as a garden, I started getting some buzzes. Red sent, <>. I relayed the directions, and we turned left, looking for stairs. We finally found a crowd; two lines of mixed wolves and bears blocking the hallway, maybe ten or twelve of them holding swords, axes, and shields, and wearing helmets with nose-guards, and some sort of chain armor with a few extra bits sewn on. They didn't seem inclined to say a word, but I waved a wand in the air and refreshed the translation spell anyway. "We're here for my messenger," I told them. "I suggest you send her out to us." A bear in the middle of the front row said, 'No messenger here.' I sighed, and pulled out a different wand. "Veritas," I enspelled him. "I ask you again, where is she?" 'Tied up and getting prepared to be the Lord's next meal. Wait, why did I say that?' I quickly asked, "How long does she have?" 'Oh, he likes 'em live, and is enjoying a good soak - she's probably got at least half an hour before he even starts on a limb. ... I don't know what's going on. Advance!" I yanked at least four wands from my belt and aimed them as a bunch. "Adherere Lubrica Vomitere," I stated, and their incipient charge dissolved into a chaos of tripping over each other, collapsing, and making a general mess of things. My heart was beating pretty hard - they really were about to attack me, which sent me adrenaline going, but months of training under Safe Guard and practice with the new magics were now paying off, all that planning turning what could have been a bunch of soldiers chopping my head off into... a mere exercise in low comedy. Extremely low. "I suggest," I told them, "that you have done your duty to your Lord, and are obviously outmatched. The best thing you can do for him is go back and tell him I'm coming." The spokesbear grunted as the Lubrica'd wolf, sliding around, bounced off of him. "We have our orders. None are to pass." He started struggling back to his feet. "I commend your loyalty, if not your choice in who to give it to. Know that your failure is through no fault of your own. Dormire." As his eyes rolled up and he collapsed back onto the floor, I repeated the spell on each and every one of them. I commented to Blanche, "Remind me to try and find an area-effect variation of that one." We tip-hooved through the pile of snoring carnivores, keeping a careful eye on them in case any were faking, or they had a reserves hiding somewhere nearby, ready to pounce. No pounce came. The room they'd been guarding was lined with tiles, and full of tubs of various sizes, most empty. The biggest was large enough for the Mikoyan's full complement, and full of steaming water. Bouncer was on the floor, tied up and gagged. Her CAT WHISKER, or rather its remains after being torn apart, was scattered next to her. I waved Armina toward her, and the griffin started slicing through her bindings. As we started backing back out, there was a sloshing noise from the large tub... and I saw a red-scaled forehead rise, followed by a pair of yellow, slit-pupiled eyes. 'So,' grated a gravelly voice, 'You've defeated all my guards, and now you've come to kill me and take over. ... I always thought it would be another dragon that got me - or at least a giant.' He rose further from the water... and much sooner than I expected, finished pulling himself onto the edge of the tub. 'But you won't take me without a fight!' "Hunh," I said back to him, a bit bemused. The fearsome Lord Firebough, establisher of edicts, eater of his own subjects, in charge of the First Settlement, etc, etc... was barely bigger than Spike.