Fluttershy woke up the next morning with a start, hearing a hoof banging on her door, demanding the pony it was attached to be let in.
“Fluttershy!” a voice, Twilight’s, called. “Are you okay in there?” she asked. “Is everything alright? You’re not dead, are you? Or turned into some hideous monster? Or tied up and being tortured by that thing, right? Or worse, being forced to have whoopie cushions for hooves? Can you hear me? If you don’t answer in ten seconds, then I’m gonna–”
“I’m fine, Twilight,” the pegasus called, stretching her limbs as she yawned tiredly. “I’ve just been sleeping all night because... it was nighttime? So has Archard. Why are you–”
“Good, because Lyra was telling me last night about how humans can smell fear, and if you’re afraid of it, then it’ll pick up on that and attack! You have to be careful!”
“Well, I’m certainly not acting afraid,” Fluttershy replied as she floated down the stairs to let her friend in. “Maybe that means you should try and take a breath and calm down, Twilight.”
“You’re right. I can’t have him smelling my fear. I need to show that I won’t be losing a battle against him. Even if magic doesn’t really affect him the way it should. I’m sure I can think of something when the time comes. Maybe the Elements of Harmony will subdue him?”
Fluttershy giggled at that. “Or maybe we should just focus on waking up and making breakfast,” she offered. “Would you like to join us? Despite what you think, he’s quite lovely company to have. Discord sure seems to want to be friends with him, even if he doesn’t like admitting it.”
“Well, I think I will join you, but only because I think you’re being way too nonchalant about all of this. It’s openly said it’s a dangerous creature, so I don’t see how you can–”
“WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?” the human suddenly yelled from the upstairs bedroom, sounding surprised and angry and upset all at the same time. It made Fluttershy and Twilight both jump at his voice, the latter getting defensive.
“See? He’s obviously about to go on the attack! We need to prepare!”
“I… you stay here and let me check on him, please, Twilight? He sounds spooked, and I don’t want him to be spooked more by you.”
“Fluttershy! I need you! Right now!” he called, his voice sounding a little shaky. “There’s a big problem!”
“I better go,” she said as she floated up the stairs again, making her way to the room Archard was staying in. She peeked her head past the door to see the human wrapped up in bed sheets, looking at the room around him, like it was the last place he expected to be. He blinked as he looked at Fluttershy’s head peeking in, shaking his head as though his vision was messed up.
“Are you okay, Archard?” the yellow pony asked as she stepped into the room. “I heard you scream, and I thought that–”
“What the fuck is going on?” he asked angrily. No, not angry, more shocked. Surprised and unnerved by what was happening. He wore a look that said he didn’t like whatever he thought was happening one bit.
“I shouldn’t still be here right now! This, like, shouldn’t be real! Nothing like this is supposed to be able to happen!”
“What are you talking about, Arching?” Twilight asked suspiciously. “Were you actually trying to get us all to disappear and fade out of existence? I knew you were evil! I better get Spike to write a letter to Princess Celestia about–”
“No, I’m not evil!” he told her. “It’s just none of this is supposed to actually exist! Things like this only happen in dumb fanfictions, not in real life! A lightning strike can’t actually take me to Equestria because Equestria only exists as a children’s cartoon owned by Hasbro!”
“I don’t know what any of that means, but a lightning strike didn’t take you to Equestria,” Twilight said. “Lyra Heartstrings and I summoned you here, and we–”
“Well then put me back!” he demanded. “I can’t stay here! I have work to go to and new episodes of Better Call Saul to watch! I can’t just be here! What if this happened two days ago and I missed meeting my probation officer?”
“I don’t know what a probation officer is, but if you don’t run off and try to grant wishes and destroy Ponyville and– wait, if you’re so upset about all of this, then how come you were doing all those things?”
“Cause I thought this wasn’t real! It doesn’t make sense for me to be here, just like it doesn’t make sense for you to have normal hooves when you’ve been farting all yesterday on whoopie cushions. I thought this was all just, like, pretend. So I was just messing around and stuff. This wasn't supposed to be an actual thing!”
“Well, that attitude certainly isn’t going to make me want to help you very much, but I’ll see what I can do,” Twilight decided. “Let me talk to Lyra Heartstrings and see about getting you sent back.” She rolled her eyes, muttering, “With as annoying and as much trouble as you are, I’m pretty sure you’re gonna talk me to death before I can.”
“I heard that! You’re honestly shaping up to be my least favorite character out of the Mane Six.”
Twilight glared at him, able to interpret what he meant. “Are you sure you’re gonna be able to deal with him, Fluttershy?” she asked. “He seems aggressive, and with as dangerous as Lyra says humans are, I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“I’m certain I can handle him, Twilight,” she assured her. “He’s just a poor, scared creature who doesn’t know what’s going on.”
“And angry! Don’t wanna forget that part. If I really was summoned here, I’m gonna be very angry about it.”
“I’m certain I can make sure he’s being good,” Fluttershy finished.
“I’ll trust you on that. I need to head out to talk to Lyra though. I’ll be back.” She disappeared in a flash of light with the words, teleporting away, leaving the pony and human alone together.
“Would you like me to make you some breakfast?” the yellow mare asked kindly. “I can make you pancakes and eggs, if you’d like.”
“I’d rather have the sausage biscuit I normally get from McDonald’s for breakfast,” he said grumpily, crossing his arms as he stared at the wall. “This is so ridiculous. This shouldn’t be possible.”
“I’m sorry, Archard. If it means anything, I’m sure Twilight will think of something and get you out of here in a jiffy. She’s the smartest mare I know, and has a spell for any problem. In fact, I bet she’ll be back in a few minutes with a solution.”
“Yeah, right. That’s not how these stories go. Every time a human goes to Equestria, they’re always trapped there forever, and I won’t be surprised if this is the same way. Either way, if it takes too long, I’m gonna lose my job, or my apartment, or miss paying bills, or miss meeting with my probation officer. Basically, being here can fuck up my entire life.”
“I’m sure everything’s going to work out,” Fluttershy told him again, floating over to him and petting his hair with a wing. “Twilight will find a way to bring you back to your home, and everything’s going to be alright. Now, how about breakfast?”
He turned his head, not answering for a long minute before he asked, “Can you cook macaroni?”
“Of course, I can cook macaroni,” she said. “Any particular way you want it?”
“The normal way, except made with elbows. Not that nasty Kraft crap, like they serve at the gas station by my house. Also no milk in it. If you can, just melt the cheese with butter and nothing else.”
“I will make sure to make it exactly like that.” With the words, she began to float away, but Archard’s voice stopped her.
“Fluttershy?” She carefully stepped up to him, and a second later, she was arching her back and purring as he had his hands on her face and was rubbing her cheeks and scratching behind her ears.
“You’re a good pony,” he said, talking to her like she was puppy. “Such a good pony. You’re a good pony, and the best one of all time. You’re amazing.”
She couldn’t get out any words, she was purring too contentedly.
“Are you sure you can’t think of anything?” Twilight asked desperately. “He seemed extremely angry, and I worry about what he might do if we tell him we can’t do anything.”
“Well,” the mint colored unicorn replied tiredly, “I certainly can’t think of anything when you come banging on my door at seven in the morning when I’m trying to sleep. You have to give me and Bon Bon time to have our coffee first.”
“This isn’t time for coffee! We should be thinking of something right now! Doesn’t anything come to mind?”
“No, not right now,” she said grumpily. “That’s what I need sleep for. So I can refresh. Besides, I’ve never looked into sending a human back to where they came from. You’d have to give me some time to do some research… can’t Discord send him back though if he wanted to? Besides, I thought you wanted to do some experiments on him.”
“Well, of course, I can!” the draconequus exclaimed, suddenly appearing out of nowhere upon hearing his name. “However, I won’t for the simple fact that Archard is quite the rude individual. I’ve yet to forgive such uncivil behavior.”
“Huh? How was Archard being uncivil?” Lyra asked.
“Why, for starters, he interrupted me and Fluttershy’s tea party, and you know just how much I value our tea time. Afterwards, he played the most blaring, obnoxious music I had ever heard in my life, music certainly not fit for an event as fanciful as the one we host. And third, he brought that little egg of a dragon, Spike, along with him, further interrupting our get together.
“Now, even despite all of this, I graciously extended my paw to that creature to be its friend, just as I was taught by my dear sweet Twilight Sparkle here. But what does he do? He rejects my invitation and goes to look for friends elsewhere! Can you believe how inconsiderate that is? And even after all of that, just the audaciousness he had to think he could find a better friend than I, I threw myself out there to host a party for him, and he said no! The nerve of some creatures, I must say!”
“Uh, so, why can’t you send him back to wherever he came from?”
“Because he rejected my friendship, and I refuse to indulge ponies who think I’m the kind of creature to be rejected like that! Maybe if he apologizes, then I might reconsider. Might.” With the words, he snapped his fingers and vanished.
“Well, Discord’s gonna be out of the question for help because he’s acting like–”
“Like Discord?” Twilight finished.
“Yup.” Lyra stretched and yawned, saying, “I’ll see what I can do. But if it was up to me, I’d keep him here. I mean, I didn’t spend all this time researching humans just to get rid of the first one I’ve ever seen after a day.”