My actual time in the hospital following that wasn't long. Granted it was longer than I'd have liked, a month to be exact, but I was already being sent back off to the orphanage. Unfortunately the same could not be said for Carapace who was stuck there till her next molting. Which, as far as I could tell, was still a couple of months off.
I lowered my head in regret as I followed Virulent Lesson back into the orphanage. Despite Carapace's reassurance I still felt a tinge of regret for her predicament. The others, well most of them, tried to insist it was only temporary and she'd be back just fine in a month or two. To which I could only give mock nods of gratefulness for their reassurance, but in truth, it did little to alleviate the feeling inside. The guilt ebbed away at me bit by bit and their words did nothing to stop that fact.
Though slow and only a small bit at a time, it was like the endless torrent waves against the rocky coast. With time the guilt ate away at me bit by tiny bit. It wasn't until a whole part of me was long since eroded away under the onslaught of regret I finally realized just how much of a toll this had on me.
I felt like I was drowning again. Having my head just above water only for it to be violently forced back under the dark, icy, waves before I could even so much as getting my breath of air. The water’s frigid temperatures siphoned away any, and all, the warmth from my body. Imbuing me with the frigid sense of dread in its palace. It felt like a total relapse in the most hellish way possible. I wanted to run my hooves through my hair and scream if only to expel some of the water drowning my lungs.
Though I must have let out my emotions more externally than I had intended to. As when I finally managed to notice what was going on around me, I saw the rest of Carapace's friend group staring at me awkwardly. Whom likely had been there, unsure how to approach me, for several moments. Even without their organic emotion detector they were still acutely away of my dread.
“What the hay does f-” Zeal began to ask before his sister shushed him.
“When you're older,” she said.
“Older? I'm older than you!”
“By three seconds,” she countered, “anyway Phoenix you uh… Alright there?”
They all stared at me as if I had contracted some weird alien disease they would catch if they'd stepped too close. I wasn't sure what I’d said, but I had a few guesses. None of which should have been in any child's vocabulary; even in the walking lexicon’s.
The realization caused a second surge of embarrassment and regret to crash over me. At least the new warmth in my cheeks was a nice break in the cold regret that had been washing over me. Small victories and all that… As hollow as they may be.
I brought my head down under the weight of embarrassment nagging at it. Apologetic words quickly tried to spew from my mouth like a waterfall in an awkward, sheepish fashion. Though all that made it out were Incoherent squeaks and babbles.
Figures I dont mean to say anything and I say some swear without realizing it, try and apologize and nothing can get out my stupid muzzle.
The only saving grace was Virulent lesson was too far ahead to hear us, or at the very least he pretended not to.
After thoroughly making a fool of myself the group seemd to awkwardly shift back into form as to head inside. Most of them seeming happy to just forget the incident and brush it aside; quick to converse amongst themselves once more.
I grimaced and shifted to the back of the herd while they walked back inside. At which point I couldn't help but notice how empty it was. Granted it was still super early in the morning, the sun hadn't even broken past the horizon yet, when we got back. So most kids were probably asleep or just waking up. It felt strangeling alienating and isolating, even though I had the rest of the group right here. Well, I did have the rest of the group right there.
At some point, though I don't know when due to being preoccupied with awkwardly fidgeting my hooves, the group seemingly disbursed and vanished. Presumably back to their dorms; and I was left alone without so much as a bye. Probably because of my whole awkward outburst…
Though it wasn't as if I’d have expected different, I wouldn't really want to be around me either. With a simple shake of my head, I raised my eyes to gander at the crossroads before me as the hallway broke into two directions. As embarrassing as it is to admit, I couldn't remember which path was the right one. The darkness and alien feeling of the orphanage did little to help me orient myself. Leaving the whole ordeal up to a gamble. All choices of which were equally probable.
“Great…” I mumbled to myself as I carefully tried to discern the right way, only to come up empty-handed err hoofed. Both, at least at a glance, were undisguisable from one another, but only one could be the right way. The other would likely lead to me just wasting my time and probably somehow getting even more lost.
“Of course,” I frustratedly sighed, “it's never easy.” I glanced between my two options before biting the bullet and walking; praying the path I chose was the right one.
I must have chosen wrong. Because as I dumbly fumbled my way through the sameish repetitive halls I ended up running face-first into a mens’, stallions’? , guys’? Restrooms door. Ruining any hope of progression along my path and instead of sending me square on my flank with an aching muzzle to boot. I winced as I rubbed my bruised muzzle. Which had quickly turned a bright red of pain that seemed to glow slightly in the dim light of the orphanage.
“Are you ok-” a familiar voice began to say before stopping, “oh Phoniex,” Starling finished coldly. In a matter of split-second, it went from concern to surprise to seeming annoyance. Though I couldn't say I was surprised.
“What do you need,” He asked, his voice sounding as if he had just swallowed something unGodly bitter and was trying to hold it down, “your dorm isn't even on this side of the building.”
“I was trying to find my way back to my room,” I answered; wincing as I rubbed my muzzle a bit too hard causing another jolt of pain to run through it.
“So you're lost,” he asked with a suppressed snort of amusement, “Maybe if you actually bothered to pay attention you’d know the layout of this place better.” I grimaced at the accusation, he was… probably right there. Normally I just kinda absently mindedly went on autopilot wandering after the herd while my mind was elsewhere. Never really paying attention to, well ANYTHING.
“Yeah …” I admitted with a sigh, “you’re probably right. Do you mind giving me a hoof, err claw? talon?”
“I don't know. I wouldn't understand being lost here. Seems to alien a problem for me to understand. Maybe you should handle it yourself.” My heart sunk at the rebuttal.
“Listen I- I’m so-”
“I don't want to hear it, Phoenix. Don't you think you’ve done enough after you put Carapace in the hospital?” I grimaced at the accusation as I awkwardly fumbled back as if he had just stabbed me with his words.
“She… she said it was alright and forgave me,” I parried, though neither of us believed that made it alright. But it was all I had.
“Yeah well I don't,” he casually defected. The creases on my face worsened at the retort. Of course, he hadn't. Normally I probably would have said he was being childish. Or maybe he was being unreasonable but… He was right… At least well within his rights to not forgive me.
I just sighed as I slowly met his gaze with a defeated look.
“What do you want?” I asked, hoping that maybe I could try and mend this rift.
“I want you to get lost before you end up hurting someone again.” Each word was another blow, striking closer to my heart than the last.
“Star, please-” I began before he cut me off to continue his assault with his blade of choice.
“It's STARLING to you. Only my friends can call me that, and from what I recall you didn't want to be friends, and after everything you've done I don't want to either.” The last sentence finally found its mark. My body just kinda shut down on me as my eyes fell back down to the ground. While I could no longer see Starling but I could feel his body radiate with happy relief to finally get that off his chest.
“I don’t even get why the others put up with you. I get Carapace because she's well… Carapace. But the others? I don't get how they can put up with your woe is me, shtick and then you actively dismiss them and put them to the side when they try and help. I just wish they were tired of your attitude too.” he finished as he retracted his sword out of my gut only to turn tail and walk off like nothing had happened.
In single exchange of words I'd lost the duel. Not that I really put up a fight but every choice my mind could think of to counter his assault felt wrong and every parry I did give was the incorrect one until finally, it was over. The only upside here I guess is he chose to make it a quick mercy killing instead of prolonging the duel at least. Not that it was any consolation.
For a long few minutes after I simply sat there with feelings I don't have the words for. Even the stinging pain in my nose welt numb compared to whatever was twisting in my gut. My mind repeated the conversation in my head looking for any way I could have maybe corrected course. But I ultimately came up as empty-handed as I started. Maybe the truth of the matter was there was no right path and I’d just have to accept that. As much as I hated it.