Pinkie Pie, it turned out, stayed on the third floor of the gingerbread house bakery she worked at. The first floor was the bakery, the second floor was set up to be a home, one that belonged to a family of ponies called the Cakes, and the last was where she stayed. It was more of an attic type situation, with one bedroom, a bathroom, a closet, and nothing else. It looked smaller than the apartment Charley lived in before he was stuck in that hospital.
“Wow, this is… something,” he said, looking around. It might have been small, but the walls were lined with pictures of every kind of pony imaginable. Some of them smiled directly into the camera, others had their pictures taken from far away, seemingly unsuspecting. There were names and dates and other information attached to each photo, as well as a large map over the mare’s bed detailing where everypony lived. He thought it was something straight out of a serial killer documentary.
“I’m not gonna find, like, severed heads in your freezer, am I?” he asked as he raised an eyebrow. “This is more than a little creepy, I have to say.”
“Hehe, how else am I supposed to keep track of all of my friends?” she asked. “I have more than this though! You should see my party cave when you get the chance!”
“I’m sure it’s something,” he replied, making a mental note to sleep with one eye open, lest she actually be a serial killer. “Speaking of friends, though, why don’t we, uh, get to work on being friends?” he asked. “I’m just so eager to learn what to do.” He couldn’t have been less eager.
She spoke at a million miles an hour, detailing everything she could think of in an unorganized, almost incoherent jumble of words. She talked about things like proper dancing etiquette and how to properly throw a surprise party and conversation starters and good hygiene and tips for ‘looking for that kind of friend’ and a whole host of other things that flew way over Charley’s head. Just like before, she was more talking at him rather than to him, but he sat there and dealt with it. If it made friends faster, he would take it.
“Wow, that’s all so interesting!” he said, feigning wonder and joy. “I guess since you told me all of that, that means we’re friends now, right?”
“Nope, not yet, Charley! We’re only acquaintances! We need to have your ‘Welcome To Ponyville’ party first! Once we do though, I’ll be able able to say that we’re definitely, truly, perfectly, one hundred percent, absolutely, positively–”
“Okay, I get it,” he interrupted. “When is this party being held?” he asked.
“Mmm mmm mmm! That’s a secret! You’ll find out when it happens! I can’t spoil an amazing surprise like that!”
“Of course, you can’t. And there’s no way you can throw it today, can you?”
“Nope! There's not nearly enough time to plan for a shindig as good as this is gonna be! Look on the bright side though! That’s more time to build up anticipation and get excited for how great it’s gonna be!”
“Oh, of course,” he muttered, letting out a forceful sigh. “Just so great.”
So great, just like every single day of his life up to this point had been. It was so great dropping out of school when he was sixteen, being berated by parents who didn’t love him, meeting an ex wife who’d he’d have to end up paying child support to, living every day in a body he couldn’t stand, and then getting cancer to end it all off. No, not end it off, because the list continued with Death threatening to end his existence for the horrible crime of not making friends, and shoving him back into life after briefly teasing him with what he couldn’t have. And now here he was, sitting in front of a mare whose overly positive attitude he absolutely couldn’t stand, one who was probably as thick as nails.
And that was just the beginning of it. There were a whole host of other things in his past that made it impossible for him to have much joy about anything. And now he had to wait to go to a dumb party with someone who he didn’t like just so he could say he made a friend and be out of there. Yeah, it was just so great.
“Aw, don’t be like that! You just need a more positive attitude! If you want, we can–”
“I’m quite alright,” he stopped her, holding up a hoof to tell her to be quiet. “I’d rather just go to sleep for now so I can get this day over with.” Everything about this day was such a wash. It began with his chest and abdomen in absolute pain and morphine doing nothing to help it, and ended with him sitting in front of this mare, his ears in pain after being talked half to death. What kind of day was that?
“Oh, you can’t go to sleep yet! You haven’t even had dinner, silly! You gotta have dinner with the Cakes before you nod off!”
“I’m fine,” he insisted, looking around for a spot to curl up in before just settling for the floor next to the bed. “Do you have a blanket I can use?”
“Well, if you insist on shutting your eyes right now, sleepy head, you can sleep in my bed! But you’ll be missing out on some pretty delicious apple pie baked by one of my best friends!”
“I am absolutely fine,” he said, putting the annoyance in his voice so she could know to stop pressing him. “And I’m really not interested in sharing a bed with someone, thank you very much.”
“We’re not dating, silly! Besides, I already have a stallion friend named Cheese Sandwich! I just like to hug and cuddle ponies!”
And keep pictures of them all over your all with every detail imaginable, too, Charley thought to himself. And probably murder anyone who you don’t throw a party for.
“Besides, I don’t like mares in that way, silly!”
“I’m not a girl,” he responded flatly.
“Oh yeah, hehe! I guess you’re not! But you act a lot like one to me. Maybe that’s why I got confused.”
“How do I act like a girl at all?” he asked. He tried to sound exasperated, but his voice came out more embarrassed as his ears flattened against his skull.
“You only met me today. You don’t know anything about me.”
“I dunno. Maybe it’s how you walk and talk? It’s super duper weird, especially from a stallion like you. But that just makes you more interesting! Ponies that are different are the best friends to have because you can learn about so many new things! Don’t you agree?”
He was hardly listening anymore, looking down at his hooves in anger. Anger mostly at himself. Of course, the most annoying lady he’d come across in his life could pick up on something like that in a second, even as frustrated as he’d been the entire time he talked to her.
“I’m outta here,” he finally said, getting up and walking out of the room, the severe irritation on his face.
“But Charley! How are you gonna have the best chocolate chip pancakes in the whole universe if you spend the night with somepony else? Plus, I need to ask you a whole bunch of questions so I can throw the best party ever for you tomorrow and we can really, truly be friends!”
“I don’t care! Throw whatever you want! Just tell me where it’s at whenever you do.” He had to avoid saying that he didn’t want a party and that he didn’t like her. As annoying as this mare was, he didn’t want to have to find someone else to work with and try to manipulate into being his friend. He wanted this over and done with as soon as possible.
He sighed and grumbled to himself as he stepped into the late afternoon air. He was so frustrated with himself. Things he hated having touched were poked at severely during that conversation. How was a mare as attention deficit as her able to see something like that anyway? It made no sense to him, and only made him more frustrated.
It’s fine, he told himself. Tomorrow you’ll have a party and that lady will call you her friend and this will all be over with. Just have to hold out from telling her how fucking irritating she is to listen to for a day and a half. Or less.
The sun quickly descended over the horizon, bringing night to the town and sending all of the ponies outside indoors. Charley found a lonely park bench to sit at, closing his eyes and letting his mind clear of everything except the wind through the trees and the chittering of bugs around him. This day felt completely endless, years since he woke up in that hospital room for the final time, months since he was pushed through that door. He expected to have made a friend by now, and yet here he was, still a bird horse. This whole thing was just so unbelievable.
He leaned his head back against the bench and closed his eyes, but not for long. Within a few minutes, a couple of ponies, both bird horses like he was, were stopping in front of him and trying to chat him up. The first one had a blue coat like Charley, except his was light blue, almost closer to white than blue. He had a long unkempt mane and tail, also blue, except these were much darker. He also had a picture of a cloud on his butt, one that had a lightning strike coming out of it.
The second pony had a picture of a cloud on his butt with a lightning strike coming out, but besides that and wings, that was about where the similarities ended. He was a bit taller than his companion, and had a sleek, black coat on him and a mohawk cut for a mane, along with a short tail. Both were toothpaste colored, alternating between that and light blue like his companion’s coat. He had golden eyes that completed his look, as well as complimented the confident expression he held. He could almost say he was handsome. If Charley liked either men or ponies (or people in general, for that matter), he’d go so far as to say he was kind of appealing.
“Hey, guy,” the black one called, stepping up to him. “Wanna have a drink with us?”
“I don’t roll like that,” Charley said, closing his eyes again. “Go find someone else to pick up.”
“Huh? I don’t– oh, no, we’re not gay,” he explained. “We just thought it was weird that you were sitting out here all alone in the middle of Ponyville. Most pegasi don’t spend their nights down here.”
“Especially not with the first Wonderbolts show of the season in a couple of days. Every pegasus in Cloudsdale is partying and gearing up for it.” He smiled, adding, “Actually, Thunderlane here and I are gonna be in it.”
“Well isn’t that swell,” Charley replied dismissively, sure the two of them were trying to pick him up. “But maybe some of us won’t be around to see it whenever it happens, and just want to be left alone.”
The black one, Thunderlane, shrugged, saying, “Whatever, man. We’re just trying to be nice. Just figured it was cold out here is all.” He turned to his friend and said, “Let’s go, Soarin’. I wanna get there before we waste too much time.”
The two of them left shortly after that, leaving Charley alone, just like he asked. He closed his eyes again and let out a breath. This whole world was so strange. He was a horse with wings in a world with a bunch of other horses like him, and a pink horse with ADHD was planning to throw him a party, and two random bird horses tried to pick him up to go out drinking, even though they didn’t know who he was. Nothing like this ever happened on Earth.
Need to make one friend, he thought as he laid on his back to get some shut eye. All I need to do is go to a party tomorrow, and then Pinkie Pie will be my friend, and then I can leave. He would leave to whatever place Death was in and stop being this ugly stallion. That was the plan.
He didn’t know how long he slept, but he woke up right as the sun was coming up. He blinked and turned away from the light, somehow not feeling particularly grimey despite having not bathed in the last day. He did feel groggy and cold, and his back hurt from sleeping on the bench all night. Maybe it would’ve been better to sleep in that pink pony’s bed.
Speaking of her, there was Pinkie Pie, hopping like a rabbit down the street. He wanted to avoid interacting with her so early in the day, and luckily, she kept her eyes firmly fixated forward. He didn’t need more of her than he would already have to deal with today.
He yawned and stretched as he got up, only able to crack a few joints before he was face planting into the dirt as he was slammed from behind by somepony. He had a feeling he knew who it was.
“If it’s who I think it is,” he said seriously, not turning around yet, “then you better have a good reason for slamming into me for the fifth time in the last twenty four hours when I told you to stop racing around like that.”
“Sorry,” the gray mare apologized quietly as he turned around. Charley’s eye twitched at the sight of her a bit, but before he could yell, she pulled out something from her bag with her teeth.
“Letter for you!” she beamed, somehow able to speak with it in her maw. “It’s from Pinkie Pie.”
He tempered his frustrations as he took it, ripping the thing open. Inside was a card– an invitation, it seemed. It was one that explained he was being invited to a party at six in the evening at Sugarcube Corner so he could “experience the true Ponyville experience”. There were also balloons and hearts drawn into the card, as well as smiley faces, one that made it seem like her idea of a ‘party’ was something intended for small children.
“Pinkie Pie’s parties are the best!” the pegasus exclaimed, looking over Charley’s shoulder. “Oooo, I hope I get an invitation! I like to dance my tail off with Doctor Whooves! I wonder what the party is for?”
“Apparently it’s my ‘Welcome To Ponyville’ party,” he said sarcastically. “Except she’s been saying this whole time how it needs to be a surprise, and yet she just gives me the time and place.”
“Pinkie Pie is weird like that. Oh, hey! I can teach you how to fly some more this afternoon if you want me to.”
“That’s fine,” he said quickly, about to turn away and brush her off. “Actually,” he started, stopping himself, “if you’re trying to teach me to fly, would that make us friends?” Might as well see if he could get this over and done with right now.
“Hmmm, I dunno. Maybe. I’d love to be friends with you!” she said happily, smiling for a second before her expression changed to worry again. “But, um, you’re still very scary.”
“Of course I am,” he grumbled to himself. “But look. Can you just teach me how to fly really quick so we can be friends?” he asked. “And the right way, please? I don’t wanna waste another afternoon with crap if it’s not gonna work.”
“I can only try my best,” she said in her ridiculously stupid sounding voice. “But I gotta deliver these letters first! I’ll see you in a bit!”
“Can you just help me with this first?” he asked, grabbing her wing like he did yesterday. “If you know what you’re doing we can get this done in ten minutes and then we’ll be official friends or something.”
“I really can’t, Mr. Charley. I wanna be able to go to that party later, so I have to get done now. But I can stop by this afternoon again if you want.”
“Never mind, this is a waste of time,” he grumbled. “Don’t stop by later. I’ll find someone else, and I don’t need you crashing into me anyway.”
It was more walking around town from there, much like he did yesterday. He talked to a couple of other ponies, one who had a shops that sold quills and sofas and one who planted flowers, but neither wanted to entertain him in conversation for very long. The former was mostly trying to get him to buy a sofa (what the hell was he going to do with that?) and the latter, despite offering him a lunch of flowers, practically shook in fear because of him. He wasn’t that scary, was he? He was only trying to be pragmatic in looking for a friend.
It was around three in the afternoon when he went into Ponyville Theater and was surprised by about three hundred ponies screaming at him.
“Surprise, Charley!” they all shouted at the same time, the lights flicking on. He about jumped out of his skin, he was so surprised by it all.
“See? This is so much better as a surprise, isn’t it?” Pinkie Pie spoke up as she trotted over to him.
“How the hell did you know I was gonna be here though? I came here on a whim!”
“Well, my tail twitched twice, but my left ear only twitched one, and my whole body shivered as my back left hoof started to–”
“Okay, never mind, I don’t care,” he said, wanting to avoid hearing a random spiel of hers. “I’m here at the party, and you threw it for me, so that means we’re friends now, right?” He looked her in the eye, expecting a yes so he could get out of here.
“Not yet! Sure, I threw a party for you, but you gotta actually party, silly filly! Oopsie, I mean, silly colt! Hehe!”
He grumbled and frowned like he always seemed to be doing, both at her poking raw nerves and at the fact that he’d have to stay here for the whole party. Because of course he would. How long was this thing going to last?
He stood alone in a corner by himself for a while until Pinkie Pie moved back up to him and dragged him out to play ‘Pin The Tail On The Pony’. He sighed, wanting to do anything else, but forced himself to put up with it simply for the sake of getting this done.
He was being blindfolded and spun around before being released to do his best to pin the tail on with his mouth. He didn’t do particularly well, bumping into several ponies before falling to the ground on his stomach.
“This is so ridiculous,” he muttered as he slid the blindfold off. “I hate this so much.” This was a party for little kids. Fruit punch? Cupcakes? Dumb party games like this? He wasn’t a ten year old, and even then, he would find this ridiculous if he was. All of these ponies were adults as far as he could tell. This could’ve at least been enjoyable somewhat.
“Aw, let’s just play another game! Like freeze tag!” She tapped her hoof to his shoulder, declaring, “Tag! You’re frozen until somepony unfreezes you!”
He could not stand her upbeat attitude, and was a second away from telling her so. He bit his tongue though. Just had to get through this party. He didn’t know what he would do if this was all over and she continued to say they weren’t friends yet.
He didn’t make an effort to reach out to other ponies to be unfrozen, or much of an effort in any of the other dumb games they played, either. He was mostly a silent participant, just scowling the whole time as he put in the minimum amount of effort possible.
Eventually, thankfully, the guests started to clear out one by one. It was a slow process, something that happened over the course of a couple of hours, but at the end of it, it was just Pinkie Pie, the mail mare, and a couple of other ponies standing in the theater. The party was officially done, much to his relief.
“Wasn’t that the most fun ever, Charley?” Pinkie Pie asked excitedly. “I mean, you didn’t seem to make many friends, but you met everypony, which means you can be acquaintances and have a way to start a conversation! And then you’ll be everypony’s friend before you know it! Isn’t that great?”
“Wonderful,” he replied flatly. “But since this party’s done, does that mean we’re friends now?”
“Hmmm, I would say yes, but maybe we should–”
“No, don’t say that,” he said aggressively, moving closer to her. “I don’t want to hear that. You said we would be friends after this party, so tell me that we’re friends.”
“You didn’t really talk to me. You mostly just stood alone and grumbled to yourself like an angry mare, and didn’t try to have any fun, and that doesn’t seem very friendly to me. I mean, it was supposed to be a party. You have to shake your tail feathers and talk to ponies! But all you did was scowl angrily, like this.” She gave a demonstration of how he looked, one that made his eye twitch.
Keep your cool, he told himself. Don’t curse her out. Even if you really want to cause she keeps fucking poking at raw nerves.
“Okay, but you said we would be friends,” he tried to argue, taking a breath to stop himself when he realized how aggressive he was coming off. “I mean, maybe being my friend would help speed the process along?” he said, doing his best to put on a smile. “Being friends should help me warm up… or something.”
“Mmmm, maybe we should get to know each other better first! I mean after all, it’ll be after the party either way, because the party’s over. And all my friends know each other! I don’t even know anything about you, silly filly! I mean, silly colt!”
He wanted to yell right then, but somehow kept control of himself. She was poking and prodding at things he hated having touched, so much so that he had to wonder if she was doing it on purpose.
“I don’t want to go around in circles with this, having you say that I also need to do ABC and then XYZ and then whatever else before you say it. Just tell me we’re friends now, and I’ll do whatever the hell you want me to do. But you have to say it first.” He so just wanted to get out of here and be the lady he was in front of death again.
“Well, I can’t be friends with ponies with an attitude like yours, silly!” she giggled, making Charley clench his jaw. “You need to lighten up and turn that frown upside down! We did just have a party after all, and with a party like that, I can't see how you can still have–”
“I have an attitude because you’re being fucking annoying!” he suddenly snapped, unable to contain his frustration anymore. “Just say we’re friends so I can be done with this, god damnit!”
“Wow, rude much?” Pinkie Pie crossed her hooves and frowned now, too. “I was just trying to give a hint that maybe all that scowling and grumbling to yourself and being sarcastic like I’m just a big dummy is mean.”
“Maybe if you weren’t so fucking annoying I wouldn’t have to be so sarcastic! You and that other mare have been nothing but irritating, giving me a headache with how much you talk, and poking at shit I don’t want you to poke at! And you–” He turned to the gray mare and pointed a hoof at her, continuing, “You’ve given me a body ache because you’ve done nothing but slam into me the last two days! If you can’t see, then stop fucking flying!”
“I’m sorry, Mr. Charley. I didn’t mean to, honest.” She looked like she was going to cry hearing what he said.
“Don’t be sorry, and don’t give me those puppy dog eyes! Just don’t fucking do it!”
“Well, jeez, Mr. Angry Pants,” Pinkie Pie started. “If you have a problem with us, just tell us instead of being so angry and mean. We can’t be friends if you think we’re annoying, and I can't change anything if you don't tell me I'm bothering you. I didn’t even mean to make you so frustrated.”
"I shouldn’t have to tell you not to– god!”
He didn’t stay to hear any more of what they had to say, stomping out of the theater in an angry huff. A whole bunch of party guests who had left were still standing in the main lobby of the theater, whispering amongst themselves and watching him carefully as he stomped out. They probably listened to the whole thing, how he yelled at those two like that. He didn’t care though. He was way too upset.
He was too upset to care that he probably screwed up his one chance and friendship and ended his chance at forever.