//------------------------------//
// Chapter 39: We’re in the Endgame Now 
// Story: Caverns & Cutie Marks: Our House Now 
// by TheColtTrio 
//------------------------------//

    Light Patch ducked around the corner of another back alleyway. He breathed heavily, glancing behind him to see the pair of Crystal Empire guards chasing him.
    “Stop right there, Light Patch!” they shouted after him. Two other guards slid to a stop in an attempt to block the pegasus’ way. They raised their spears skyward once they’d noticed his wings, only to be greeted by his head as he plowed between them. Two simply vaulted over their dazed compatriots and continued after Light Patch.
    The pegasus peaked behind and saw his hopes dashed at having lost his current pursuers. He looked forward just in time to barely swerve around a fruit stand, as well as second and third. The fourth stand was less lucky and he grazed it, knocking some of its fruit loose; and giving him an idea. 
The fifth stand he hit intentionally, causing much of its produce to spill, creating a bit of a hazard near it but still giving the guards room to dodge. The sixth he tried to throw his power into to spread the hazard further. His intent was to spread the bananas over a wider area. 
What he got was a warzone worthy of the mushy fruit of death as each banana exploded, throwing its mush and peel everywhere. Both guardsponies and their prey slipped and slid through the rest of the marketplace. His wings gave him enough of an advantage to stay on his hooves, unlike the Crystal Pony guards who quickly tumbled and slid through like wrecking balls. Their path of destruction ended when they collided with a wall on the far side of the fruit market.
Light Patch slid to a halt near them and, after shaking the mush from his hooves, posed over them a smug grin on his face. “Remember this as the-” He was cut off at the sound of a new patrol of guards pounding into the scene.
Light Patch was able to keep a decent lead, thanks to the new guards having to go around the mess in the fruit market rather than risking going through it. Feeling confident, he ducked around a corner and threw his magical effort into not being where he currently was. With a wheezing puff, he found himself chasing his pursuers.
The guards slid to a halt after they’d found the turn of the tables. “How did you get behind us?”
“Unfocused teleportation,” Light Patch answered before disappearing again.
Again finding himself behind the guards.
“You're not very good at this teleportation to escape thing, are you?”
“I’m usually a bit better with it than I am now,” the pegasus frowned.
    “Seems like it’s working just fine to me,” one of the guards answered, as they jumped forward to grab him. With another wheezing puff, Light Patch appeared behind where they were currently looking. The noise of his hooves pounding on the cobblestones echoed once more.
    Having still not seen any real defence for catching aerial targets, the pegasus decided to try being more airborne and float his way to victory. He closed his eyes and, with the trust and effort he was familiar with from his dreams of being able to float at will, raised his hooves up. 
Immediately he could tell something was wrong. Normally when he raised his hooves, they stopped feeling the ground. Instead, he could still feel the ground passing below him. Light Patch opened his eyes and found that not only was he still scraping, but he was actually sinking. He watched as his power caused him to sink lower into the ground, and even began to carve a trench through the cobblestone road. He gave up on floating when the depth of the trench had reached his neck.
“You realise we’re going to be adding destruction of public streets to your list of crimes,” one of the guards said after having skidded to a halt next to him.
“Yeah,” the pegasus replied, “fair enough.”
“Do you need hel-” The guard had begun to ask before the pegasus teleported behind them again, and started to run. “I’m getting really sick of that!” he called, turning to continue the chase.
“Time to see if I still remember the flight controls,” Light Patch muttered, having given up on using his dysfunctional Discordian magic.
He turned a corner and opened his wings as he charged towards a row of buildings. With a few flaps and a hop, he managed to barely clear the roofs of the buildings and, with a rare spot of luck, found that his flight had put him right in front of the train station. He quickly ran inside to the ticket counter and bought a ticket for a train that was about to depart. Light Patch turned to face the train, only for Crystal Pony guards to enter the station.
Led by Shining Armor, whose eyes immediately honed in on him.
The two stood still staring each other down, before Light Patch’s eyes went wide and he pointed to a spot behind Shining Armor. “Look, it’s the oldest trick in the book!” 
Shining Armor just raised an eyebrow. “You didn’t really think I’d have fallen for that, did you?”
“If my powers were working, there would have been a non zero percent chance,” Light Patch, stated rubbing one of his legs.
“From what Rainbow’s said, if your powers were working you wouldn’t be using the trains.”
“Hey, trains are cool.”
“Not as cool as airships.”
“The Transartica is.”
“I bet the skyliner Cloudsroam is cooler than it. Name two others,” Armor demanded.
“The Flying Scotsman, and any of the trains from either of the Iron Dragon board game editions,” Light Patch retorted, before looking at one of the doors opening behind Shining Armor. His expression of triumph dropped into a grimace. “Hi Rainbow,” he grumbled, looking down at one of his fore hooves. “Hi Cadance.”
Shining Armor looked behind himself to greet Cadence and Rainbow, but only found a couple more guards. Suddenly he heard Light Patch shout something, and he turned just in time to see the grey pegasus leap onto the train; just as it left the platform.
Light Patch turned to look at Shining Armor and waved a hoof. “Remember this as the day you almost caught Pegasus Light Pa-” His taunt was cut off by an arrow thudding into the wall of the caboose beside him. He glanced at the arrow, and then looked back at the departing platform to see Armor drop a bow out of his magical grip.
    The pegasus plucked the arrow out of the wall and chucked it into the snow before turning and entering the train. He snuck through the train until he found a mostly empty car, dropping into a bench and looking out the window while he relaxed for a moment or two. A stallion in a uniform stopped and asked for his ticket, which Light Patch produced only to find a flower made of identical looking tickets.
    With a yelp of surprise the pegasus shook his hoof, causing all but the original ticket or so he hoped to vanish. The stallion took the ticket with a hard look at Light Patch before taking his time in examining the ticket and, with a sigh of defeat, punching a hole in it and handing it back. Light Patch looked at the ticket as the hole multiplied to spell holes, and then went back to just the original hole.
    “Okay,” the pegasus muttered as he looked at the ticket, “I’m going to need a new plan. And to deal with the fact that my powers are in revolt. That means I’m going to need a unicorn I can trust. So, I guess step one is to enlist Wits’ help.” He paused as he considered how short of a time his friend had been a unicorn.
    “Okay a different unicorn. Twixie might-” Light Patch tried to say the mare’s name properly two more times before giving up. “Right, Discords enforced naming is active. Here’s hoping I don’t have to say her name while getting her help.” He sighed before finally continuing.
    “Step one,” the pegasus muttered as he settled into his seat, “find Twixie and hope she can unfix whatever that spell was supposed to fix. Until then, my powers are my last resort. I don’t need them to teleport me into whatever jail cell Twilight is planning to lock me in.” 
    “Step two, I need a new battery with the orb broken and firmly out of my control.” He paused. “Maybe I can trick Twilight into helping me, or maybe there’s some other artifact I can get to.” A thought struck him as he saw a book one of the few other ponies in the coach car was reading. “Maybe I should check on Daring Do. I bet she’s looking for something.” He yawned and rested his head against the wall as he watched out the window. The pegasus fell silent, watching the snow pass by the window before a thought he really didn’t want to address passed through.
    “I might not be able to fix my powers at all.” He sighed, deciding to deal with the thought now. “If so, I’ll need a unicorn or several to cast the spell for me.” His eyes stared unfocused at the scenery as his brain tried to sort through all of the potential unicorns he could think of.
    Eventually, his fatigue caught up and his mind fell silent as he watched and listened to the train steaming down the tracks. He glanced around one last time before quietly saying “Remember this as the day you almost caught... Pegasus Light Patch.” He smiled as a rainbow arched over the Crystal Empire.
He was moments from falling asleep now as he traced the rainbow’s arc. His eyes finally shut; moments before the alarm bells in his brain went crazy and his eyes shot open again. The pegasus checked that none of the other passengers were watching as he forced his powers to disguise himself.
    A coat appeared, covering most of him, and his coloration shifted to darker shades. He shoved his mane up into a hat as much as he could, and shifted seats just to make ponies assume that he hadn’t just put on a disguise. He sat in his new spot and watched the rainbow fade as his burst of energy faded with it, dragging him even lower than he had been.
“I really hope that was Rainbow and Pinkie coming to intercept the train,” he murmured, hearing the door to the carriage open behind him as he fell asleep, “or that was a lot of energy I just wasted.” 


* * *


    Upon entering the throne room in Canterlot Castle, Purple Heart sighed explosively. Events were progressing, but not nearly in the way the purple earth pony had hoped they would. Getting challenged by Wits End to a Duel of the Fates was unexpected, but suited the purple regent’s plans well enough. The encounter certainly lent his reveal of the Armor Guard a degree of spectacle.
On the other hand, Twilight’s presence there had rankled him far more than he’d let on. The leftover resentment from the conversation before his departure from Twilight’s castle so long ago reared again upon seeing the Princess of Friendship watching with impunity. Purple Heart was nearly certain that the wave of magic from on high was her doing. While it definitely gave him the opening to land a solid hit on Wits, it had set the minty unicorn’s posse of Power Puff Ponies raving at him. So, good and bad balanced out to nothing much at all.
Sagging onto the throne, Purple Heart rubbed at his eyes. This whole thing was getting out of hand.
“I need a nap,” he moaned. “I just can’t take it anymore. I need a na-”
“Your majesty? The speech writers are here for your address to Observation Post 9983,” said a guard pony, having just popped their head in through the doors at the end of the throne room. Purple Heart looked up and sighed.
“Send them in,” he ordered, straightening on the throne. The pony nodded, and the doors swung open for two ponies to trot in and make their way to where Purple Heart sat.
“Your majesty,” they greeted, bowing. Waving his hoof for them to raise their heads, Purple Heart took a moment to scrutinize his word crafters.
One was a stocky, brown earth pony with a receding mane-line of grey hair and a surly look on his face. The other was a slight blue unicorn with a roguishly parted short black mane that matched his grin.
“I presume you’re the recently hired writing directors?” Purple Heart asked slowly, his gaze switching between the two stallions. The unicorn nodded while the earth pony glared out the window.
“We are, your majesty. My name is Sam Seaborne and this is Toby Nagler,” he said smoothly. “You said you wanted a speech written up to address the pony’s at...” The blue unicorn paused, peering briefly at his notes. “...The Pie Family Rock Farm?”
“I did,” Purple Heart confirmed. “Do you have a rough draft with you already?”
“We do actually,” Sam replied, pulling a sheet of paper from a folder and profering it for Purple Heart to take. “I must warn you that it’s very rough.” Purple Heart took the paper and started reading.
A cough interrupted his reading and he looked up at Toby.
“Yes, Mister Nagler?” Purple Heart prompted. “Did you have something to add?”
Nagler looked away from the window and locked eyes with the purple earth pony. “No, your majesty,” he said gruffly. Nodding slowly, Purple Heart went back to reading, ignoring Seaborne’s uncomfortable shifting. Purple Heart was barely able to read another word when Nagler spoke.
“That was a lie, your majesty,” the earth pony corrected. “I do have something to say.”
Looking up, Purple Heart eyed the pair of ponies silently. With a silent sigh, he lowered the papers and nodded at Nagler. “Speak, then.”
Nagler cocked his head and an involuntary smile curved his lips. “Your majesty, I don’t know if you’re aware,” the earth pony said, “but what are you going to do about Princess Twilight’s claim that you restrained herself and her companions following your duel with the Strategos of the Second Alicorn Diarchy?”
Purple Heart blinked. “Uhm… nothing.”
Nagler blinked. “Excuse me?”
“I said no-”
“No, I heard that, your majesty,” Nagler interrupted. “I just couldn’t comprehend your choice to do NOTHING about the words of a fellow member of the Equestrian Monarchy! Words that don’t exactly show you in the best light!”
“But she’s telling the truth,” Purple Heart countered.
“I’m aware, your majesty, but I must implore you to release a statement clarifying the motive behind your actions of that occurrence!” Nagler retorted. “If I can’t control the message around here, how am I supposed to give you my support to counter the claims and declarations of individuals that don’t quite share your beliefs?!”
A frown creased Purple Heart’s brow and he stepped down from the dais to look Nagler in the eye. The two stallions stared at each other for a few seconds, ignoring Seaborne’s continuous nervous shuffling beside them.
“So I should lie to the public?” Purple Heart growled.
“Of course not,” Nagler scoffed. “That will polarize the populace against you even further. You summoned an army to protect them from the Diarchy, but they aren’t seeing that. They’re seeing the start of martial law being imposed. You don’t want them getting pissed off again.”
“From what you said, they already are,” retorted Purple Heart.
“Actually, they’re more scandalized,” interjected Seaborne. The blue unicorn stiffened minutely when both stallions turned to him. “R-rumours are circulating through the country that you’re in fact a Changeling attempting to take over the monarchy. What with that attempted coup in the Crystal Empire a few years ago, ponies are still a little skittish about Changelings.”
“But I’m not a Changeling,” Purple defended.
“They don’t care,” Nagler snapped. “Right now, the public is hearing only one story: Princess Twilight’s. Since you’re not saying anything about anything, they’re drawing their own conclusions.”
Purple Heart was quiet for several seconds as he digested Nagler’s words. Minutes passed until he looked down at the papers in his hoof, then back up at the two writers.
“Then what do you propose I do, Mister Nagler?” Purple Heart inquired slowly. A drip of tension leaked from the brown earth pony’s frame.
“Release a statement to the public,” Nagler said. “Give your side of the story. Making ponies discuss.” He shrugged. “Then, while they’re busy talking, end this conflict with the Diarchy.”
Purple Heart nodded slowly. “Sounds planlike,” he muttered to himself. He looked at Nagler and Seaborne. “Do it. I want a rough draft in an hour.”
The two ponies nodded and bowed. Waving a hoof in dismissal, Purple Heart walked back up the dais to the throne and sat, watching as Nagler and Seaborne left. With a sigh, the purple regent leaned his head back.
“Just a few minutes,” he murmured drowsily.
“YOUR MAJESTY!” boomed Casus Belli as he flapped into the throne room with Belisaddelus following close behind him.
“Oh fu-”
“Care to explain to me HOW IN TARTARUS you managed to scheme your way from lowly theater producer to REGENT OF EQUESTRIA!” roared the stout red pegasus.
Purple Heart rolled his head forward to blink blearily at the new intruders. “I’m not going to get that nap I want anytime soon,” he groaned. With a huff, he straightened, peering down at a blusterous Casus Belli and a silent Belisaddelus.
“Do you want the long answer or the short answer?” drawled Purple Heart.
“The long one!” replied Belli. “And no lies!”
Eyes rolling, Purple Heart stood. “Okay, fine.” He inhaled deeply and spoke.
“My name is Purple Heart. I’m a human that Discord pulled from another dimension to slot into a pseudo Dungeons and Dragons game with two friends of mine and the Mane Six. We started out separated, but eventually found our way back to one another and met each other for the first time in a town named Roads Crossed. After fighting off an incursion of bandits, we...”
The two generals stood there, jaws loosely hanging open as Purple Heart rattled on and on for several minutes. Every once in a while, they’d try to get a word in but were always shouted down by the purple earth pony.
After ten minutes, Belisaddelus turned to his fellow general. “Do you think he might be a bit touched in the head?” he asked.
Not breaking his gaze from the rambling monarch, Belli replied out of the corner of his mouth, “Clobbered instead of touched, more like.”
“...then I woke up in the Badlands, found some Elephants, talked them down from raiding a village, and then got my flank dragged to Twilight’s castle so that she could send my friends and I back home. But instead, she thought we needed rehabilitation, thus choosing to put us in stressful situations that didn’t help our mental states at ALL. Dunno how Light and Wits got around to it, but villainy seemed like a good coping mechanism and we all scarpered to do our own dastardly deeds.”
He gestured to Casus Belli. “You witnessed part of mine personally: Piss of the monarchy and frame Discord for it. Which, while nice, was too short haul, so I infiltrated the senate, created a group to hamstring Twilight’s state-sponsored vigilante group, and put myself in control of things. That went a little sideways, so when I got fired and happened upon Blueblood, I decided to aim for the monarchy. Which succeeded. And now, here we are.”
Belli and Belisaddelus blinked in unison.
“I said no lies,” Belli said. Purple Heart shrugged.
“Fine. Walpony made me do it.”
Casus Belli advanced on the regent, wings flared with irritation.
“No. Lies.”
“Welp, dunno what I can do to convince you,” Purple Heart sighed. “So...” In the blink of a second, dozens of threads lashed out towards the two generals, cocooning both in seconds before either had a chance to squawk in surprise or cry for help.
“You two can join Blueblood. Thank Carp all I need is sushi to keep him docile,” Purple Heart mused, and the two bundles drifted away behind the throne. More threads burst forth and coalesced into two simulacrums that resembled Casus Belli and Belisaddelus perfectly.
Save for the glowing green eyes.
Pointing a hoof at the clone of Belli, Purple Heart ordered, “You take command of the battalion under the Smokey Mountains and liberate the western part of Equestria.”  His hoof shifted to the clone of Belisaddelus. “You take command of the battalion in Fillydelphia and assault Baltimare. I’ll send a messenger with orders to Colonel Hathi to rendezvous with the Rock Farm Families to prepare for encircling the alicorn base camp in Ghastly Gorge. Go.” The two clones saluted briskly, departing even quicker, and Purple Heart was once again alone in the throne room.
With a groan, the beleaguered regent moved back up to the throne and sprawled in it.
“Running a country is stressful,” he groaned. “Twilight has a lot to answer for...”


* * *


    Sol Eater looked across the map table at the assembled ponies. The last of the reports had come in, and the resulting changes to the map were…
    “So,” Penumbra said plainly. “We assume this wouldst be where we begin our retreat, yes?”
    “Retreating?” Mousetail bristled, fangs peeking out from behind her lips. “That’s it? One setback, and you just run with your tails between your legs?”
    Penumbra’s expression remained implacable. “It hath nothing to do with our current situation; grim it may seemth. Terms were set before the duel, and by following those terms we must-”
    “Who says we have to follow those terms?” Sol Eater asked, a strange smile on her face. “We have an entire regiment of witnesses who attest that Equestria’s champion cheated. As far as I’m concerned, the results of that duel are as useless as these new forces.”
    “Those new forces,” Trixie cut in, “are thousands of autonomous suits of armor, puppeted directly by Equestria’s regent. These aren’t like the Royal Guard your ponies have fought before.”
    Sol Eater raised an eyebrow. “And how so?”
    “These suits don’t feel fear, for one. You can’t intimidate them into surrendering.”
    Mousetail leaned across the map table. “Then you just smash’m with magic! Ain’t you alicorns supposed to be good at that?”
    “We art uncomfortable with this talk of eschewing our given word,” Penumbra repeated, her voice hard. “Perhaps we should reach a compromise. Contact the Equestrians and negotiate an amicable peace that retains our current lands-”
    “Are you challenging my alicorns, little one?” Sol Eater interrupted, her eyes locked on the much smaller Mousetail. “Any one of them would be more than a match for a hundred empty suits of armor.”
    “Like how a dozen of’m were more than a match for Celestia an’ Luna?” Mousetail shot back. She smirked at the snarl that spread across Sol Eater’s lips. “Maybe ya oughta rethink that ego of yers.”
    “Enough!” Trixie’s voice resounded in the enclosed space, silencing the three ponies. “We won’t get anywhere if we start fighting each other and Equestria at the same time! Wits, what’s the plan?” She paused, then turned towards the last pony at the table. “Wits?”
    Wits End had been leaning against the table since the last report had come in, eyes locked on the newly drawn lines of engagement. His brow was furrowed, his mouth drawn into a thin line. He tapped one forehoof against the edge of the table in a simple pattern; not loud enough to make noise, but constant.
    Trixie felt a moment of concern stab at the back of her mind. “Wits?”
    Another long moment passed before Wits spoke. “Well, we know where those extra supplies were going now.”
    Sol Eater scoffed. “Is that really so important now?”
    “It could be,” Wits said, almost idly. “It’s supplies that didn’t go to the Royal Guard. Look, see? They’re attacking from inside our borders, which means they’re effectively cut off from the rest of their forces. Insertion tactics only work if they can reconnect with their frontline. We just have to keep them encircled, and they’ll starve themselves out soon enough.”
    “Suits of armor don’t need food, though,” Mousetail pointed out.
    Wits went silent. “Hmm.”
    Penumbra shared a glance with her sister, then turned her gaze on the stallion. “Strategos,” she said, her voice soft, but still forceful enough to break through Wits’ distracted reverie. “We hath given thou authority over matters of warfare, but thy actions of late have... lacked in comparison to thy previous accomplishments.”
    “We just need to be more aggressive,” Sol Eater said. “Smash our way through to the capital and relieve their leader’s neck of the weight of holding up his head. Our strategos has spent too much time on the front lines, when his skill is in giving us the grand plan.” She turned toward Wits End slowly, a warm smile spreading across her face. “Let Penumbra and I lead the troops. I’ve been missing the feel of ponies under my hoof.”
    Finally, Wits’ eyes lifted from the table and scanned over the faces of the other ponies. The disappointment of Penumbra. The barely restrained bloodlust of Sol Eater. The simmering anger of Mousetail. And the quiet concern of Trixie. He took a deep breath, and fixed his gaze forward. “Give me the room.”
    Penumbra’s eyes widened. “Strategos?”
    Sol Eater frowned. “Are you planning to give up-”
    “You want a plan?” The sharp edge in Wits’ voice cut off any response. “We’re in the third act. This is the place where the story turns around, and we find out whether we’re on the side that wins, or the one that fades into quiet obscurity. So,” he straightened his back and forced a smirk onto his face, “you want a plan? I’ll give you a plan to turn this whole fiasco around. But I can’t do it with four ponies each telling me their idea of what the one way to do it is. Give me an empty room for one hour, and I’ll give you an end to this war.”
    Sol Eater and Mousetail smiled. “Excellent,” Sol Eater purred. “That’s my little princess for you.”
    Penumbra didn’t seem as won over, but nodded. “This is yet a matter of war,” she conceded. “We do hope that thou shalt find us a swift end to this conflict.”
    “Oh, don’t worry.” Wits was already trotting to circle the table, taking in the new shape of the war. “If I have my way, we’ll have peace in our time well before we need a Hearth's Warming Ceasefire.” He motioned with his head towards the exit. “One hour. Chop chop.”
    Mousetail gave Wits a wink and turned away, hurrying through the tent flap. The two alicorns followed shortly after, conversing in hushed tones. As Trixie moved towards the door, Wits cleared his throat. “I may be voicing some ideas out loud. Would you put a silence spell on the tent, just in case anypony’s listening?” He flashed a smile. “Thanks.”
    Trixie raised an eyebrow, but nodded. She stepped outside, and a moment later Wits could see the telltale shimmer of her magical aura glimmering across the canvas. Once alone, he took a deep breath, and held it.
    What came out was a sound that could only be described as ‘existential suffering’. “I was so clo-ho-hose!” Wits sobbed, as the last weeks of stress and responsibility finally caught up to him. “I thought that was it! The end of Wits End’s looooooong history of failing his way upwards in a war that had no business doing as well as it did!
    “How? How do you manage to walk into a fight with the intention of losing, get your flank kicked so hard it takes up residence in Griffonstone, and still—AND STILL—walk away with a fight that hasn’t just continued- oh no, that would be too easy! But you walk away with a war that has ESCALATED BEYOND REASON! The war was supposed to end! Today! And somehow, just when I thought that nothing could prolong this fracas any longer than it’s already gone, Purple Heart manages to pull a surplus of scheiße out of his rear end, and give my side moral in the process! 
“Iron Maiden? Iron motherbucking Maiden? And her consarked 597th Equestrian? Who’s bucking bright idea was that, huh? Got a bunch of zealots who think I’m Celestia’s gift to mares in uniform, followin’ me around like a pack of gorram nuclear puppies! What kind of brilliant idiot sees an army assemble out of nowhere, and decide that’s a good enough reason to fight even harder? Am I leading Alicorns, or Orks?
    “And me? Oh, don’t even get me started on that prick. It takes a real moron to think that the answer to the question ‘how do I get my friends to like me’ is ‘start a war’. It takes an even bigger moron to try to lose the war and fail soooooo miserably. Who’s letting me still lead this army anyway? Every time I try to fail, this freakin’ army thinks it’s a brilliant ploy to catch the enemy off guard! Well guess what, buckaroo? The only one getting caught off guard is me!
    By this point, Wits was draped over the side of the map table much in the same way that a discarded coat might be tossed over the back of a chair. “You have to end this. This has to stop! We ran out of luck weeks ago, Wits! And we’ve been running on fumes for Luna knows how long! You have to go out there and tell them. Face the music, Wits! ‘Cause your soooooooooong’s a-playin’! Deafeningly loud now! Just admit that victory was never an option! That this whole thing was just because you were too much of a coward to man up and apologize to Twilight for goading her into saying you were a villain! That all you ever wanted was the trust and affection of your closest friends, and you keep messing that up because the gremlins that make up your tiny brain can’t keep their disgusting little fingers off the ‘Ruin Wits’ Life’ button for five seconds! Tell them the truth! Tell them!”
    A soft cough cut through the tension in the tent like a knife. Wits slowly, glacially, turned his head towards the entrance to find Trixie staring at him. The stallion rolled off the table and dusted off his coat. “I thought ‘give me the room’ was a pretty clear request.”
    “You,” Trixie said flatly, “have some issues.”
    “Ya caught on to that, did you?” Wits’ mouth formed a thin line. “How much of that did you hear?”
    “From outside? Absolutely nothing. When I came back in to check on you?” Trixie seemed to think for a moment. “I believe you were saying something about nuclear puppies.”
    “...Brilliant.”
    Trixie’s expression softened. “How much of what you said was true?”
    “Well, obviously the alicorns are just going along with what I’ve already told them, so I can’t exactly blame them for too much. Really, most of that was just me releasing the pressure-”
    “I meant what you were saying at the end.” Wits stiffened as Trixie came closer. “About being a coward.”
    Wits End couldn’t meet her eyes now. “I’ve… had some time to think about how I got here. Not just ‘here’ in this tent, but in this whole situation. There were a million ways I could’ve ended this, and I chose the worst one every time. It’s like… something in me either didn’t want me to lose, or wanted me to escalate all of this at every turn.” He sighed. “Like when I enchanted Sol Eater and Penumbra. I didn’t have to do that. They would’ve listened to me ‘cause they knew me and trusted me. But instead, I made them believe me implicitly, and go along with whatever I said. Same goes for Mousetail and the other thestrals. At every turn, when I could’ve made new friends, I instead made pawns.”
    “Wits-”
    “I did it to you too.” Wits’ voice was hoarse now, but he forced himself to look Trixie in the eye. “I never apologized for that. Even when you broke free from it, I made excuses to avoid taking any blame for it.”
    Trixie shook her head. “You had a good reason-”
    “I invented a good reason,” Wits interrupted. “Every problem I’ve had with Twilight, I engaged in it just as much as she did. She didn’t turn on me; I turned on her and pushed her to do the same. I’m not The Bad Guy, Trixie. I’m just a bad guy.”
    The two of them were silent for a long while: Trixie watching Wits End, and Wits watching the floor by his hooves. Eventually, Trixie sighed. “Alright. What’re you gonna do about it?”
    Wits blinked, looking up in confusion. “Huh?”
    Trixie trotted next to Wits and leaned against the table. “Trixie has already gone through what you’re doing now. You did something bad. You convince yourself that it can never be outdone. You say it was all Twilight Sparkle’s fault. Then you throw yourself a pity party, and no-pony shows up because you didn’t invite anyone, because you don’t think you deserve them.” She waved a dismissive hoof, not really looking at Wits as she went on. “Then you bumble around for a while and make half-hearted attempts to make up for what you did, without ever confronting that original thing. Someday, you wake up and decide that you’re already the lowest scum in Equestria, so you might as well destroy yourself by making amends for your horrible mistake.” 
She fell silent. Wits waited for a moment. “And then what happens?”
“You apologize, and realize that everypony else has already moved on. The only pony cursing your name all that time was you.” Trixie smiled at him. “Trixie is somewhat of an expert in this field.”
“Trixie the Apologetic and Self-Flagellant, huh? How long did that process take you?”
“3 years, give or take. I had to make a friend to get myself sorted out entirely.” Trixie put one foreleg around Wits’ shoulders. “Fortunately, you have the Great and Powerful Trixie, so this should be wrapped up pretty quick.”
A smile played at the corners of Wits’ mouth. “So… what’s the next step?”
    “What do you think, genius?”
    Wits’ smile fell for a moment, and he sighed heavily. “Make up with Twilight.”
    “There you go.”
    “But what about the war?”
    “The war’s gonna keep happening whether you’re here or not, Wits. This wagon’s already rolling downhill and you’ve lost the reins. All you’re doing is trying to steer by leaning left and right.” Trixie forced him to look at her with one forehoof. “Get Twilight’s help, and I know that the two of you can end all of this in an instant.”
    Wits chuckled. “Great. It’s Roads Crossed all over again.” He paused. “Uh, Trixie?”
    “Yes?”
    “Your face is awful close.”
    In an instant, Trixie seemed to notice that the distance between their noses had closed to almost nil. She slid away to a respectable distance, covering her reddening face by adjusting her hat. “So, what’s the plan for Operation: Apologetic Mint?”
    Wits blinked, then shook his head. “I need to get in contact with Twilight and explain everything that’s happened. No more secret plots; just coming clean and letting the chips fall where they may.” He frowned and rubbed his chin. “But if I disappear, Sol Eater will probably take over the army and get a bunch of ponies hurt. How am I supposed to talk to Twilight and keep the alicorns from imploding? And all of that while Purple Heart’s Armoroids push on us from all fronts. I need to keep all of these plates spinning, and get Twilight’s help at the same time… But just sending a letter to her will make her think it’s a trap. How do I explain all of this to Twilight without triggering her paranoia?”
    Trixie nodded in thought. “Perhaps there’s one of the artifacts we gathered to build the portal that can help?”
    “Unless you wanna vaporize Twilight’s castle with dark magic, I don’t think those will help. Besides, taking down the portal will turn the alicorns against us right away.”
    “Then maybe there’s another artifact we can get to help. Even if it’s just as a peace offering.” Trixie stood in front of Wits and placed a forehoof on her chest. “How can I help, Wits? What can I get you that will help you with this?”
Wits fell silent. Trixie could almost feel his thoughts as they swirled around inside his head. Slowly, a smile formed on his face. Not the forced smirk he’d worn before, but the genuine smile of somepony who just heard a new answer to an old riddle. “Trixie, there is something you can get for me.”
    Trixie’s ears perked up. “What is it?”
    Wits steepled his forehooves in front of him. “Captured by the Elements of Harmony.”
    The two ponies stared at each other. Wits’ smile had a confident, almost manic look to it, while Trixie’s ears slowly laid back down. Eventually, the mare broke the silence.
    “What?”