//------------------------------//
// Chapter 35: Ponykrieg 
// Story: Caverns & Cutie Marks: Our House Now 
// by TheColtTrio 
//------------------------------//

Trixie enjoyed watching Wits End as he approached her wagon. She was finding that the stallion wore his emotions on his hooves rather than his sleeve. For example, today Wits End was practically dancing down the streets of the Thestrals’ cave, one spectral hand clutching a freshly opened and read letter. “Good news?” she asked once the colt was close enough, followed by a sip from her water flask.
“Depends on whether your name is ‘Purple Heart’,” Wits said with a grin. “Or ‘Beekler’ or ‘Baelhart’, or whatever he’s going by nowadays.” He held out the letter. “I woke up with this under my pillow. I assume the Patch Fairy left it, or perhaps a tear opened up in space and time by sheer coincidence. Take a gander. I’m gonna do a lil’ dance.”
Trixie rolled her eyes, but started scanning the letter.

To the Illustrious Rapid Penguin,
    I’m sure you’re already underway with your diabolical plan to be an intense and utter pain in my backside. And Light’s too, I’m sure. I could spend a good quarter page trying to convince you to see things my way to further my own plans. But, I don’t have much time or paper to do that so here: have a thing.
    Princesses Celestia and Luna are on their way to meet up with the Deerkin and the Thestrals in the ‘Lowest Dungeon at the Highest Peak’ Mountain for a summit to discuss the cessation of hostilities between the two parties. News Flash! (Several days late for the Princesses at least). It’s fake. Fake news I tell you! There’s no summit. I mean, no diplomatic summit. I’m pretty sure there’s an actual summit at the top of a mountain. The thing is, they’re gonna be there. Why? Cos I told ‘em. Sorta. And they’re gonna be unguarded. If ever there was a chance to capture the monarchs of a nation you’re attacking, I’m pretty sure this is it.
    Anyways, do what you will. If you can’t keep them occupied, I’m sure I’ll think of something. Allons-y and may the best troll win and all that tosh.

Beekler Alfreeves aka Baelhart aka Purple Patches aka Purple Heart

PS. If you have a way to get this to Light, please do. I can’t track down the sneaky blighter and Philomena isn’t a messenger pigeon like Phawx was.

Folding the letter back up, Trixie waited until Wits was finished with an air guitar slide to hand it back, along with a spare flask. “What makes you think Light Patch was involved in delivering this? It asks you to send it to him.”
“Because it’s funnier if LP was the first one to find it,” Wits explained, tucking the letter into a small saddlebag. “As far as I know, that’s kinda how his powers work right now.”
“And what makes this so bad for Purple BaelHeart Patches Alfreeves?”
Wits’ grin widened. “The fact that he sent this before we started the invasion.” He gave a little cackle and clicked his hooves together. “He sent away two of the most powerful alicorns in Equestria right before we came in with a hundred of our own. The irony; it’s just…” He formed a hand with its fingertips together and gave it a chef’s kiss. “Très magnifique. I was just going to meet with our own princesses to plan what to do with this new knowledge.”
It was tough for Trixie to keep from smiling at the colt’s contagious schadenfreude. Still, she had something she had to do sooner than later. “Before you do that, can we talk for a minute? I… Trixie has something she wants to tell you.”
The stallion’s smile drooped slightly at one end, which he tried to cover by fiddling with the cap of his water flask. “What talk is this? Did I forget to take out the trash? Do you need a raise? Are you breaking up with me as my second-in-command and it’s not me it’s you and we can still be friends but you wanna see other-”
“Shut up for a minute, would you?” Trixie shot him a smirk to soften the blow. “It’s about the spell you put on me.”
Wits went stiff. “Th-the purely cosmetic one I designed to give you plausible deniability when dealing with Twilight and the others, right?” he said as casually as he could. He raised the flask mechanically to his lips, looking at a point in space off to one side.
“I broke it.”
Given the water in his mouth, Trixie had been ready for a spit-take with a Cloudburst’s Condensation Curtain spell. What she got was a dropped-jaw and a rapid turn towards her, depositing a mouthful of water down the colt’s front. “You what?” Wits squeaked, voice breaking before he’d even gotten a single word out.
Trixie stifled a giggle at the state of him. “I dispelled Guiding Sunlight.” She summoned a towel from inside her wagon and tossed it in his face. “Clean yourself up.”
Wits absentmindedly wiped his chest with the towel, eyes locked on the mare. “When?”
“A little while back. Maybe a week?”
“How?”
“You’re gonna overreact.”
“Still wanna know.”
Trixie sighed. “Twilight Sparkle’s Universal Disenchantment.”
Wits threw his forelegs in the air. “Of course it’d be one of Twilight’s-” He was interrupted by the towel, once flung into the air, now landing back on his face with a wet slap. Slowly, he pulled the towel back off. “Why?”
“You chose one of the few unicorns with experience being under mind control spells. You had to know I’d-”
“No.” Wits’ voice was quiet, but it still cut her off as if he’d shouted. “Why are you still here, then?”
Trixie frowned. “Did you think I’d abandon you?”
“Think it? I was preparing for it! Why else would I go with your plan of revealing you were under my spell to Twilight?” Wits shook his head, starting to pace back and forth in front of her. “Twilight knows I have that spell. If she saw you were under a spell and you broke out of it, she’d take you back under her hoof-slash-wing without so much as a 10-bit fine.”
    “Why do you think I’d leave?”
    “Why would you stay?”
    “Wits-”
    “Because everyone’s moved on from me!” Wits stopped short, as if catching himself on the edge of another outburst. When he continued, he spoke through clenched teeth. “Because two of my friends are trying to take the world apart piece by piece, and the other six have lumped me in with them because I had the training wheels torn off my brain bike. They pushed me away, and I pushed right back.” He finally met her eyes. “With a track record like that, what possible reason could you have for sticking around without a spell?”
    Trixie was silent for a moment. Then, slowly, she smiled. She patted Wits End on the cheek. “We’re on the same crew, remember? Trixie will let the princesses know you’re coming.” With that, she turned away.
    Wits blinked, watching the unicorn mare walk towards the Alicorn pavilion. “Wait, so you’re staying?”
    “I just said you’re on Trixie’s crew,” Trixie called over her shoulder. “Why are we still talking about this?”
    Wits watched as she ducked through the large tent flap and out of sight. “I thought it was my crew,” he muttered, wiping the last of the water off his chest. With a smirk, he regained some of his previous swagger and headed for the pavilion. “Time for a crew meeting.”
    

* * *


Six ponies were gathered around the table: two alicorns, two unicorns, and two thestrals. The map on the table wasn’t nearly as detailed as the one in Twilight’s castle, but it gave an accurate enough depiction of Equestria’s terrain. Various small flags were placed around the map, either the circling princesses of Equestria’s or the solar eclipse of the Second Alicorn Diarchy’s. The majority of the Diarchy’s flags sat in the Undiscovered East, representing the alicorns still coming through Wits End’s portal.
Mousetail slid one last Equestrian flag onto the map, directly on top of Canterlot. “And that’s the last of the Royal Guard divisions we’ve found,” she said, puffing her chest fur out with pride.
“Based on the Guards’ records we’ve stolen,” Leafnose said with his low, grumbling voice, “this accounts for roughly all of Equestria’s military might.” He glanced at the map with a sneer. “Certainly seems to be more of our flags there than theirs.”
“Unless the foe hath forces unbeknownst to us,” Penumbra mused. “Is such a thing possible?”
Wits nodded. “Almost certainly. Twilight mentioned something called the Paladins back when we were in the High School Never Ends dimension, and that this world’s version of Just Duty was a part of it. We should keep an eye and ear out for any hints as to where they’re based.”
“This world’s version…” Sol Eater frowned as she processed the words, rolling her tongue in her mouth as is they left an odd taste. “Does everypony in our world have an equivalent in this mirror version?”
“Maybe not everypony,” Wits explained, “but effectively, we should assume that anypony who could be a problem for us will be one.”
Sol Eater’s frown deepened. “That is most irksome.”
    “Welcome to my last few years.” Wits turned to the two Thestrals. “Anything else?”
Leafnose hesitated for a moment, then shook his head. “No.”
Mousetail elbowed him in the side. “Tell him, won’t ya?”
“Tell us what?” Trixie asked.
With a sigh, Leafnose shook his head. “It’s probably nothing. The Guards’ reports have everything accounted for, but some of the other requisition reports have some unaccounted for supplies. Food, clothes, things like that.”
“Where are they going?” Wits asked.
“Dunno. Canterlot’s government pays for them, but there’s no record of where they go after that.”
The two alicorn’s shared a glance. “That sounds like a secret army to me,” Sol Eater purred. “Could this be the Paladins you spoke of?”
“Could be.” Wits shrugged. “Or it could be another secret organization. Maybe Celestia’s funding the Secure Containment Ponies Foundation down in Tartarus.” He shrugged. “Whatever it is, I doubt they’ll be a match for an army of alicorns, right?”
“The first step on the path of failure is overconfidence,” Penumbra recited. “Thou wouldst do well to keep thy expectations in check.”
Trixie raised an eyebrow. “What, are you saying your army of alicorns isn’t up to the task?”
Penumbra narrowed her eyes at the unicorn. “Put not thy words in our mouth, small one. This is the pride of our diarchy thy speak of.”
“Easy, easy.” Wits End held out a pair of spectral hands to both mares. Trixie caught a glimpse of silvery magic dance behind Penumbra’s eyes, and the alicorn visibly relaxed. “We all want the same thing here, and we’re not doing any estimating; over, under, or otherwise. Trixie’s seen these ponies fight off big threats before, and she wants to make sure we’re ready for a fight.” Wits shot Trixie a warning look before dispelling the hands. “Right?”
Trixie nodded. “Yes. Fighting bad guys was a weekly thing for a while.”
Sol Eater snorted. “Bad guys… So simplistic.”
“So were some of the bad guys,” Trixie said with a shrug.
“How did a kingdom like this survive,” Sol Eater continued, picking up one of the Equestrian flags with her magic, “with so few soldiers? I would have expected them to be gobbled up by their neighbors. A token defensive army, and no militia?”
“Equestria’s citizens are it’s militia,” Trixie explained. “When push comes to shove, there isn’t a single pony who wouldn’t fight to protect their friends and family from a threat.”
“We should endeavor not to push or shove these small ones, then,” Penumbra said. 
Sol Eater nodded. “Agreed. We should demoralize them before they can form any resistance. We shall be welcomed as the well deserved victors.”
With a grin, Wits leaned on the table. “My thoughts exactly. Which is why…” He produced a pair of flags from his bag—one cream white, the other midnight blue—and set them on the table near the border of Equestria and the Deerkin lands. “We’re going to do some demoralizing.”
Mousetail leaned in and gasped. “Are those…?”
Trixie’s eyebrows shot up as she realized Wits End’s plan. “Oh!”
The two alicorns frowned. “We feel left out,” Penumbra said with a pout.
Wits grinned. “You asked about mirror universe versions? Say hello to yours, Princesses.”
Sol Eater looked closer at the flags, then straightened. A toothy grin spread across her face. “Their own princesses.”
“Princesses Celestia and Luna,” Wits said with a similar grin. “If we capture them, it won’t matter who’s on the throne in Canterlot. The ponies of Equestria will gladly lay down their weapons to keep their precious princesses safe.”
“They would surrender their country to protect their rulers?” Penumbra asked.
Wits nodded towards Trixie. After a moment, she gave a slow nod. “To us,” she said carefully, “the princesses are Equestria. If they all agreed that we needed to move to the moon, we would do it.”
“Isn’t it the same with you two?” Wits asked. “If it kept you and the rest of the alicorns safe, your people would do anything, right?”
For once, neither of the alicorns had an immediate response. “There hath been some… division on that topic, once upon a time,” Penumbra said slowly, eyes turning downwards.
“It’s how we end up with a Last Bastion,” Sol Eater muttered, “instead of a nation.”
“That don’t sound so good,” Mousetail mused.
“The alicorns of our world hath been in such a decline,” Penumbra explained, “we must choose the needs of the many over the needs of the few.”
Sol Eater grit her teeth. “We lost our land and lives by inches and instance.”
“But that’s not the case now,” Wits interrupted. He spread his hooves to map in front of them, and the assembled Second Alicorn Diarchy flags across the south and west. “Now the majority want to take land, not lose it. My good mares and gentlecolts-” He paused, looking at Leafnose; the only other stallion in the room. “Well, mares and gentlecolt. Today we have an alliance of ponies set aside by the world they belong in. The Alicorns,” he gestured to the two princesses, “driven nearly to extinction by a world that abandoned them. The Thestrals,” he turned to Mousetail and Leafnose, “forced into hiding by a nation that fears them. And the ponies,” he nodded to Trixie, “who are ready for a change in the status quo.” He leaned on the table with a grin. “I don’t see any reason why we shouldn’t win.”
After a moment, Sol Eater grinned. “My little princess has grown up into quite the leader, I see.”
“I had good teachers,” Wits said offhandedly, “and good motivators. Now, our victory starts with capturing Celestia and Luna.” He turned to Sol Eater and Penumbra. “Assuming they’re as powerful as you are, how many squads of alicorns will you need?”
“One each should do it,” Sol Eater said.
“Wisest to have two each,” Penumbra corrected. “Tis this world’s own alicorns, after all, and as mighty as we are...”
Sol Eater scoffed. “No-pony is as powerful as we are.”
Wits cleared his throat pointedly, but was saved from responding by Penumbra. “The Strategos hath said they art our equals,” she said. “We wouldst do well to treat them as such.”
With a sigh and a roll of the eyes, Sol Eater nodded. “Fine. Two squads each, to be safe. What will you be doing, then?”
“Giving the locals a taste of what to expect.” Wits grinned. He tapped the map on east coast of Equestria. “Baltimare has a contingent of Royal Guards, and enough ponies to spread the word across the entire nation. We take that, and let them spread fear across Equestria. At least, to start.”
Mousetail raised an eyebrow. “To start?”
“Give them a week to get the populous panicked,” Wits said, almost thoughtfully. “Then we let another set of ponies out to let the rest know what it’s really like in Baltimare.”
“And what will it be like?” Trixie asked.
“Better than it is in war-time Equestria. Cuisine and entertainment never before seen by Equestrians, and in ample supply to boot.” He paused. “The alicorns can cook, right?”
Sol Eater scoffed again. “Our culture has been around for a thousand years. You think we wouldn’t be able to make something that tastes good?”
Wits shrugged. “I dunno. The last big empire from my world conquered the world to find exotic spices and flavors, and decided they didn’t like any of them.” He shook his head. “In any case, I’ll be leading that attack to make sure we get the right mix of surprise and terror. Mousetail,” he turned to the surprised bat-pony, “I’d like you and a dozen other Thestrals to infiltrate the towns and villages around Baltimare to spread rumors about the invasion. Get the populous good and spooked so at when the refugees start coming in, they’ll be ready to run straight to Canterlot.”
“What about me?” Trixie asked. “Am I coming with you?”
    “Not this time.” Wits leaned in, holding up a hoof to forestall any argument. “I have a special mission for you. We’ll discuss after the meeting.”
“And when will that be?” Leafnose said flatly.
“Right about now.” Wits clapped a pair of spectral hands together. “Alright team! The journey of a thousand hoofsteps starts with a single step. Let’s get this conquest started!”
As ponies started dispersing, Trixie moved to trot next to Wits out of the pavilion. “You didn’t even need to use any spells for that,” she said softly. “It’s more impressive to watch now that I’m not enchanted.”
“It’s ‘cause you’re not enchanted that I didn’t want to rely on Guiding Sunlight in there,” Wits muttered back. “If you can break the enchantment, then an alicorn would definitely be able to. I need to make sure they’ll stay loyal even without the magic.”
Trixie gave him a coy smile. “Like me? Or because those princesses look at your flank like a teenager looks at a hayburger?”
Wits stumbled. “I plead the fifth,” he mumbled, turning away to hide his reddening face.
“And what if they get angry that you enchanted them in the first place?” Trixie asked.
“For Sol Eater? It’s not exactly the first time I’ve done it. She might just be happy I didn’t get her to banish herself again, or she might decide I’d look better pinned to a wall. Penumbra, though…” Wits shook his head. “I’d rather not take any chances with either of them.”
Trixie shrugged. “Fair enough. So, what’s this secret mission of yours?”
Wits grinned over his shoulder at her. “I need to send a certain archeologist proof that the portal works. Do you think today’s newspaper would do?”


* * *


Ponlan Jinx wasn’t sure when she’d started running. She was fairly certain she’d been going for quite a while now, based on how her legs were straining to keep moving forward, and how her breath was coming in ragged gasps.
The day had started off so nicely, too: birds singing, flowers blooming, and so on. Jinx and her fellow Royal Guardspony recruits had planned on patrolling—sometimes called sightseeing—for most of the afternoon. Their train had arrived in Baltimare late last night, after a long detour around the Diarchy-held towns.
Now that she thought about it, the fact that they had to go around the towns held by those strange alicorns was probably some sort of foreshadowing.
The Diarchy had struck at noon. A three-pronged attack on the city: one flying low over Horseshoe Bay, one screaming in at high speed from the mountains, and the last marching in right along the same train tracks that had brought Jinx to this wonderful, Celestia-forsaken town. The Royal Guard had been taken completely by surprise, barely scraping together a defence by abandoning the outer edge of the city. It hadn’t taken long for the flags of the Second Alicorn Diarchy to be raised atop landmarks across Baltimare; the solar eclipse of their flag staring like eyes at the Guard’s first and last stand.
Jinx rounded a corner, skidding and taking out a trash can in the process. She had never been good at running. In fact, she’d gotten through most of PE by inertia: not so much ‘continuing to run’ until she reached a goal as ‘failing to stop’. 
The Guardsponies’ last stand hadn’t taken long to fall. They hadn’t even taken any casualties. The number of wounded was incredibly low compared to the damage they knew the alicorns could level on them. The Guard’s crossbow bolts had been stopped in their flight by a rank of alicorns using shield magic, dropping it just long enough for a cadre of those in the back to fire a magical blast. One shot had destroyed the Guard’s cover. A second insured that none of them would be retreating back into the city hall.
Of course, they probably hadn’t considered one of the Guardsponies breaking rank and taking off down a side street.
She finished her next turn and bolted down the empty street. Jinx could see the train station now. The alicorns had long since pushed past this part of town. If she was lucky, she could grab a pump trolley and get out of the city. The mare wanted to believe she was running to deliver the news back to Canterlot. If she was lucky, that’s what her superiors would believe too.
    Something grabbed onto the scruff of her neck. Jinx was lifted bodily off the ground, hooves scrambling for purchase on a road they couldn’t reach anymore. Eyes wide, she twisted her head just enough to see an armored alicorn holding her with her magic, wings flared behind her. In blind panic, Jinx swung at her captor’s face with her spear.
    The shaft of her weapon shattered against the armor of a second alicorn’s hoof; the metal tip sliding away into the street. “Please remain still,” the alicorn holding her intoned. “Your safety will depend on it.”
    Jinx immediately went limp, like a cat being held in its mother’s jaws. This is it, she thought. A Cutie Mark in serving the Princesses, and I’m done in by a bunch of princesses from Celestia-knows-where.
    A loud clap sounded from behind her. “Full marks for the capture, Iron Maiden!” a stallion’s voice said. “And you, Titanus, with the assist! A-plus!” The speaker stopped just outside of Jinx’s field of view, and tsk’d. “Look at the poor girl. You’ve got her terrified!”
    “Should I put her down?” the alicorn holding her, Iron Maiden, asked.
    “Mmm, in a bit.” The stallion paused as there was a scuffle behind them. “Oh, Thunderer and Silver Charge! Two ponies in one day?” Jinx saw a pair of armored alicorns out of the corner of her eye, carrying a stunned Baltimare civilian in their magic between them. “You spoil me! Turn them this way. I don’t feel like walking in front of them.” Jinx was turned, surprisingly gently, towards the stallion. Wits End was grinning at her. “See, I just knew if I hung out around the train station, I’d catch somepony making a run for it.”
    Jinx did her best to look intimidating while suspended in the air. “I-I’m not a coward,” she said through clenched teeth.
    Wits looked shocked. “Of course not! Why, you’re a hero in the making! In fact, I’m going to help you become a national star!” He leaned in, still grinning. “You were at the city hall, weren’t you? You saw how that fight went?” He didn’t wait for her to answer, waving his hoof dismissively as he settled back again. “I mean, of course you did. That’s where all of the Guardsponies were.”
    “What do you want?” The words tumbled out of Jinx’s mouth before she was even aware she was saying them.
    Wits End stopped, as if just as surprised by the question as she was. “Well, really, I guess the answer is ‘exactly what you were going to do already’. I want you to run as faaaaaast as you can back to Canterlot, and deliver a message. Not to your superior officer or to the senate, mind you. No no no, I want you to deliver this message straight to the regent. Beekler, or whatever he’s calling himself nowadays.” Wits stepped forward, looking straight into Jinx’s eyes. “You know who I’m talking about, right? It’s so hard to keep track of all of his names.”
    Jinx swallowed hard and nodded. “Wh-what’s the message?”
    “Ah, excellent question. The both of you can take this message straight to the regent. Tell him I’m ready to accept his complete and unconditional surrender at his earliest convenience, and that we should be ready to turn our attention to the north before Light Patch finds whatever he’s looking for.” He paused. “Oh,” he continued, almost as an afterthought, “and tell him that if he doesn’t surrender, I’ll pound him into a fine purple paste. Can you remember all that, or should I write it down?”
    “I’ve got it,” Jinx squeaked. The civilian, staring in stunned silence, nodded rapidly.
    “Awesome!” Wits waved a hoof, and the alicorns set both ponies back on the ground. “Now, off you go! It’s quite a trip back to Canterlot, and I’d hate to keep you busy.” He gestured flippantly towards the train station. “Go on! Don’t let me keep you.”
    Wits watched as the Guardspony and civilian bolted towards the station. Without turning his head, he spoke. “Iron Maiden?”
    Iron Maiden straightened, flipping her undercut mane back into place. “Yes, strategos?”
    “Tell me.” Wits picked up the broken head of the guard’s spear, turning it over in his hoof. “How many ponies does it take to deliver a message?”
    Iron Maiden was silent for a moment. Then, she nodded once. “One.”
    “Hmm.” After a moment, Wits tossed the spear head away and strode past the alicorns. “Leave the Guardspony, bring the noncombatant back to the city hall.”
    “Uh, strategos?” One of the other alicorns, Thunderer, tilted his head, his voice a low rumble. “Bring them… alive?”
    Wits turned his head back towards them. “Of course. I’m a conqueror, not a monster.” he started walking away again, and waved a forehoof casually. “Make their capture flashy. I want to make sure our messenger is good and terrified. They’ll run faster that way. Iron, with me if you please.”