//------------------------------//
// Intriguing Striped Soulsss 
// Story: A Marty Stu invades the Multiverse (Chess Game of the Gods) 
// by Keairan 
//------------------------------//

	I woke up the next morning, feeling well rested. I looked over at Violet, and nudged her awake. "Violet, m'dear, it's time to get up." I said gently.

She moaned, and then turned over. You are way too much like me in my younger years, Violet. Feeling mischievous, I picked her up with a few flows of air, and carried her into the tub. I trailed a weave after myself as I slithered down to start the boiler and waited a minute for the water to barely begin to warm up. I turned the shower water on, and let the power go.

"Aaaaaaah! Cold! Cold! Cold! Cooooold!" I heard over the water. "Marty, you jerk!"

"Don't worry, Violet! The boiler should finish heating up the water quite quickly. I just wanted to make sure you got the blood flowing." I smirked at this.

She yelled back over the water. "I might make your blood flow!"

Yeesh, she is not a morning person in the slightest. I then proceeded to clean up around the house a little while she finished up her shower. Some time passed before I heard the water shut off, and she started to clip-clop down the hall. "I'm glad you enjoyed your shower, Violet." I had a very fake innocent look on my face, and I started to whistle.

She looked over at me, and if looks could kill, I'd have died right then. "I hope you slither through dog crap." She said as she turned towards the kitchen.

"Love you too, Violet." I climbed into the shower, and cleaned myself off quickly. Channeling myself dry, I dressed in my armor and headed to get some breakfast.

While I was eating, I began to look over the map to figure out a place that was unlikely to be inhabited by anything sentient. A couple minutes of searching, and what appeared to be a salt flat about twenty klicks outside of Mustang showed itself to be a wonderful traveling ground. Nowhere near a road, and not likely to be on any flight routes to boot.

"Alright Vi, I'm going to head out. Now remember, if you hear three bell chimes emanating from the door, what does it mean?" I asked, completely serious.

"It means that there's an incoming gateway, and I need to get myself and any others away from the spot it emanates from." She said, eyes slightly wide.

"Good, you remember." My voice had taken on an emotionless quality as I took hold of the source. I bored a hole in the pattern, and slithered through the resulting gateway onto crusty ground. The salt flat I had made a gateway to was in the middle of a valley, and the crust broke beneath my weight.

I shut the gateway behind me, and began to patrol the area to learn it so I could gateway into the sky. After a bit of time had passed, I bore another hole, and created my hang-glider. I went through the gateway as fast as possible, then began to glide through the air towards Mustang.

The kilometers to the outskirts passed completely without incident, and I set down on the outskirts, flaring my glider back to act as an air-brake. I dismissed the glider, and slithered into town.

"HALT!" Was what I heard coming from my left. "What is your business in Mustang?" I heard again.

I looked, and saw a couple of pegasi in official armor. "This is merely a stopover on a longer trip. I hope to get some rest and a decent mug of ale." From a certain point of view, not a lie at all. After all, I did hope to rest and grab a mug, and what is life but a long trip?

The guards look at me, and then relax a little. "Enjoy your stay sir. Avoid the local brew."

I laugh, and then reply. "Thanks, and I will."

I slithered into town, and headed to the pub to try and listen in on the various conversations. I took a seat facing out into the bar. I began to place weaves that would overhear and record everything that was said at a specific table. As I placed each one, I saw an odd crew at one table. Two zebras, a prosthetic wearing diamond dog bitch, and a prosthetic wearing gryphoness.

What stood out about this group was that one of the zebras had a faint glow about him. Another ta’veren? I know Equestria seems to produce them at an accelerated rate, but two so seemingly close together? This is truly going to produce a tangled weave. I put an active eavesdropping weave on them, then waved a barmaid over.

"What do you have in the way of ale?" I asked the diamond dog female politely.

"We have many ale. Local and import, yes." She looked at me expectantly. 

"I'll take a mug of the import, then." I said in an even tone.

She quickly brought me my ale, which I started to drink. As I drank, I listened to both the conversation at the ta'veren's table, as well as the recordings from the other tables. Most of it was useless gossip, things about a gryphon causing problems, a 'myth' about a strange creature that resembled a hedgehog, and a diamond dog that had helped save a town. Probably useless information, but eh, who knows.

I sat there for some time, sipping at my ale, not really paying attention, when I heard "None of these mercs are worth a damn." They're looking for mercenaries? Now what would a strange company like that be interested in mercenaries for? I drained the remains of my ale, and began to slither over to their table.

I pulled back a chair, and looked at the four of them with a smile. “So I hear you’re hiring mercenaries. Care to let me in on what you need a merc for? Depending on the pay and the work, I might sign up.”

One of the zebras, whose stripes made him look like a clawed animal had worked over looked at me, then nodded and answered me. “Right. Rebuilding a town and fighting slavers. The pay is pretty poor and I really don’t feel like lying to you about it.”

The gryphoness next to him smirked at me, then added "He claims he owns an island. I think he's insane." She did her best to look aloof and not part of the band, yet part of it.

The dog nodded her head. "He owns the island." She shot the barest hint of a glare at the gryphoness, but didn't elaborate.

The zebra who hadn't said anything yet spoke in a understandable, but mixed up form of Zebrican. "<Snakes hate I. >"

I looked over at him, then replied in my best zebrican. "<I am sorry. My looks are not to my liking.>"

The two zebras looked at each other, then the gryphoness groaned. "Yeah, I don't speak that."

The first zebra, or clawed face, said "Of course you speak Zebrican. It fits perfectly." He rolled his eyes, then looked at his fellow zebra. "Told you I would find some nut in a bar looking for information in a bar. This place crawls on cliches." He shook his head at this.

The second zebra groaned in acceptance, annoyance, and perhaps confusion. "I think you are insane."

I piped up “He may very well be, but he’s crazy like a fox. This reality does exist upon the rules of theater. But that is neither here nor there.” I took ahold of the power, and weaved a ward against eavesdropping.  Claw face shifted as I did this, but I thought nothing of it. “I represent a group that may or may not have goals parallel to yours. Slavers have been particularly aggressive over the last few years, and the numbers of missing has increased dramatically.”

Claw face clenched his jaw, then said through his teeth "What. Did. You. Just. Do." He shut his eyes, then opened them again. "Who is in charge, and how would it benefit me?" He blinked, then continued on. "Also, I rolled a 17 for my interrogation check. What was the Dc?"

I was a little startled at this, but decided to humor him, after preparing a few weaves to kill him and his merry band if things went sour. “I made sure that we would not be overheard. Very few species can sense that, and only magically inclined ones that know what to feel for can detect anything. I am impressed that you even noticed.” I made a few more weaves to perhaps effect the rest of the pub and then continued on “The DC is a percentage roll, either a one or a one-hundred. But I will tell you this. My boss is only interested in stopping the slave trade, as am I.” I sighed, and took a couple of breaths. “This would benefit you in that you would get my services in wiping out the slavers. Assuming that your island isn’t populated by the equivalent of Manehatten in hostiles, I should be more than enough.”

Claw face rolled his eyes at something off in the distance, then focused his eyes earnestly on me. “So tell me... what does the word Uranium mean to you?”

I started at this, while the other zebra blathered off “You two are cut from the same insane cloth."

I decided to humor him, and answered “Uranium, an actinide on the periodic table. Atomic number of 92, or 92 protons. Has a fairly stable isotope of Uranium 238, which means the element is radioactive. Has multifarious uses, both destructive and constructive. Which begs the question, what does it mean to you?”

Claw face's eyes began to water up, and he started to breathe a little heavier. "Since ancient times, Uranite has been used as a glaze on pots and pottery. There might be a substantial amount left in the mines on my island. I wouldn't want anything bad to be done with it." He looked about nervously at his compatriots starting to lean in. "Can you make it so the rest of my group can't hear?"

I nodded, and rewove the ward around just the two of us. After I had done that, I put a minor illusion over the both of us so that the patrons surrounding us would see only a mouth lifting up and down, no regular lip movement. I had no desire for someone to start reading our lips. “Go ahead. They won’t be able to hear or read our lips.”

Claw face licked his lips, then started to speak. “Right. What do the words humans earth nations warfare Dungeons and dragon and wheel of time mean to you?” he babbled out like Pinkie Pie.

I was a little startled by all of this, though I was beginning to think he was human. "Humans are mortal primates, earth is what we are standing on, warfare is when a lot of people die over the misunderstandings of a few individuals, Dungeons and Dragons is a gaming system, and Wheel of Time is a genesis." I paused for a moment. "My genesis." I sighed. "Let me guess, you're a human, aren't you."

The tears were about to flow, if I'm any judge of pony-like eyes. He trembled, in what might have been excitement, or perhaps in fear. “If I wasn’t a guy, I would hug you, kiss you and probably try to sleep with you. And then ask for a lobotomy.” He seemed to relax a little after that, which may or may not have been forced.

A look of horror crossed his face for a moment, then he spoke. “I haven’t told the others about how I am secretly a bipedal creature that likes to eat meat and stuff.” He was babbling a little, but I let him continue. “So. Let me guess, you are a human, right? This isn’t some joke where you are secretly the god spider’s brother or something sent to send me further into insanity?”

I smiled inwardly at this, then answered his prior statements and questions. “I’ve done weirder things than all four of those, but I think we should be able to skip the lobotomy and the awkward kiss and sex. If you want, I’ll definitely hug you.” I took a breath, then continued on. “I was originally human, yes. But I think somewhere along my  long life I’ve moved somewhat beyond humanity. I mean, what kind of human dies over and over again, and makes similar relationships with creatures he’s met in the past? So am I human? I really don’t know anymore. I hope I still am.”

He nodded. “Right. You sounds like you are stuck in a ground hog day effect thing. The only thing that is really important is whether you have a spider inside of your head. I mean, I can’t be the only one, right?” His right eyelid twitched, and then he blinked multiple times.

I looked at him, slightly confused. “No, I can’t say I have a spider in my head. Well, at least this head. I’m sure one of my skulls I’ve left decorating the multiverse has a spider in it. Bad tendency to attract violent deaths. On a related note, that movie hasn’t been funny to me for a long time.”

The zebra started to laugh, almost hysterically. After calming down a little, he asked me "So... you don’t have a god in your head? And I can totally see where you are coming from, though the real question hasn’t been answered.” Oponn only communicates with me in Tel'aran'rhiod. That totally doesn't count as being in my head.

I leaned forward, curious. “Did you ever sleep with Captain Kirk or Picard?” A flicker of amusement went across the void. Now that was funny

"No, I can't say I have. I did sleep with Mary Sue once, though.” A bit of a lie, there. I think if I had run into her by that point I would've punted her out the nearest airlock. I had a fairly serious relationship with a woman from Orion though in one of the Trek universes.

The zebra gave off a quick bark of amusement, then asked me another question.  “Say... is your name something horribly cliche? I realize we haven’t exchanged names.”

I smiled softly. “The title I go by may seem cliche to you. I call myself Marty Stu.” The zebra died laughing, almost to the point of tears. "And what do you call yourself?"

He pointed a hoof at me after finally controlling himself again. “I’ll call you Gary.” He nodded. “And I call myself Ivan. Ivan the zebra.” He then started to point to each of his companions, introducing them in turn. 

He paused for a moment, then continued on “And my current title is Interspecial flirt according to Malice.” Must be the spider god in his head. I thought to myself. “What are your claims to fame in this timeline?”

I looked at him, then said  “You do know that you’re going to have to introduce us a second time. They still can’t hear us. As for my achievements, I’ve slaughtered a score of diamond dog slavers, healed a mare’s physical wounds, set free thirty slaves, made a filly laugh, and have become a village blacksmith. Oh, and have become an agent for an anti-slavery group.” I counted each accomplishment on my fingers.

The zebra nodded, then started to list his accomplishments “I feel a little put out, I don’t have quite the list. I took out a Shoggoth with a chunk of my soul and almost blew up a dragon with an epic bass drop.” He glared off to the side for a moment, then continued with “Oh yeah, and the spider thinks you are incredibly dangerous and has decided to shut up. Finally.”

I looked at him, so stunned I almost let go of the power. Concentrating again on the power, I finally tied off the eavesdropping ward. A little less strain for myself. “You killed a Lovecraftian monster, a creature that eats souls, with a piece of yours?! That’s impressive. And taking out any dragon is fairly impressive.” I took a deep breath, and let it out. “That spider is probably one of the wisest creatures I’ve come across in some time. My title is not just for show.” It unfortunately is not.

Ivan continued his end of the conversation. “I had this nifty little knife, right? It had a chunk of my soul in it, and apparently the shoggoth choked to death on it.  Yeah... Trust me. Wait, you probably know what it feels like to get eaten by a tar blob thing. Never mind.” He shook his head, then continued “At any rate, I felt like I was simultaneously  getting disintegrated and living at the same time. Fairly odd experience. Oh, and your services? I really don’t want you to swoop in and kill everyone, sorry. I just have this feeling that doing that might cause them to call down a few dragons to try and tac nuke my island. But... this group you speak of sounds interesting.” He looked like he was feigning interest, but I saw no harm in answering his question.

I answered honestly. “I’ve never had that experience, fortunately. I always committed suicide before something like that could happen. Lot less mess and got me out of there.” I blinked, then resumed speaking. “That’s fine by me. I don’t need to kill every slaver ever. Just the ones I find. Plus, I can’t be everywhere at once. I don’t think Violet would like for me to be gone that long anyways. Poor girl.” I thought back to earlier in the conversation, and decided to answer the question that had been so far unanswered. “Oh, and everyone around us is seeing us do muppet speak. It’s why we have a few people who are looking at us with a what the fuck type expression.”

Ivan looked at me curiously, and asked "Who is this Violet character?" He opened his satchel, like he was going to get something out. “And will this appear as a rubber hammer?” He asked.

“One of the ponies I freed from the slavers. Lot of unpleasant stuff... As for the hammer, go ahead and bring it out.” I wove together strands of fire, earth, and air to create the illusion that he was holding a rubber hammer in his mouth. What I saw underneath it was a fairly nice looking emerald. A faintly glowing emerald at that.

The zebra smiled widely at me. That doesn't look at all suspicious. “I haven’t been able to talk about anything in  so long!" Okay, definitely suspicious now. I inverted a shield weave over myself, just in case of a backstab. “Wait, this is a strain on you, right? Sorry about that. And please, I was a slave for a month or two. I know what they did with the ponies that weren’t the right kind for mining.” He shuddered after saying that. “Trust me, the soup was made of exactly what you think it was.” Cannibals, lovely.

I looked at him, then answered his concern. “It’s not a bad strain. Holding three illusion weaves isn’t too bad. Finally decided to tie off the eavesdropping wards. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to do this for hours on end, but I can. I’d just have a headache and feel like I ran for a half-marathon.” The inverted shield weave, on the other hand? I think I'll just tie that off too.

I saw him move his hoof to his glass, then pull it back. He muttered “Well. That sucks. I don’t even get to do the dramatic toast thing?” He shook his head. “Right, when I retake Rej, you are always welcome. Heck, if you are willing put up with a minor case of interdimensional Tetanus, you could hitch a ride on my ship.” I saw what seemed to be a small interlude in his head. “Say, what sort of drunk are you?” He asked, out of the blue.

“The kind that can’t remember shit. Also, the type that gets pregnant.” I smiled mysteriously at this statement.

He looked at me, startled. “Geez, where are you from, Kentucky? When I get Drunk I start musical numbers. I think. That might’ve just been Canary.” He nudged the mentioned zebra, who jumped.

Another bit of amusement flashed past the void. “Tennessee, actually. And I was a woman at the time.”

He smiled. “So... what is a period actually like?”

“Depends on the period. Mild to heavy pain in the groin, a constant feeling of wetness, like you haven’t wiped and had some really thick pea.  Also, random bits of pain other places in your body. My marefriend nuzzled against my breast while I was menstruating once and I about screamed it hurt so bad. And this from the guy who’s died almost every way possible.” He might have been feigning interest at this point, but he opened the Martynomicon, so he gets to deal with the consequences. “And childbirth, oh god, childbirth. It was like a kidney stone the size of a boulder that lasted for seemingly years... Though that might’ve been because I had a centaur kid.”

He looked a little awkward at that statement, then said “Wow. I have so many really awkward question that would probably be grounds for you to kill me just for asking. So... I’m not going to ask them.” He smiled, then asked me another question. “It is so great to actually talk to someone who understands. Say, are there any other humans?” He immediately froze after this statement.

“And you’ve just made me intensely curious as to what your questions would be, but oh well. I have my suspicions about one person I’ve met, but no confirmation yet. They’re also a ta’veren.” I decided being candid would not hurt either myself or Missy. Just because they showed up in their dream as part human and part cow does not necessarily mean they are definitely a human. I would need confirmation from the 'cows' mouth to be sure.

“I might as well open my island to all humans and force their toll to be adequate conversation.” He blinked twice. “Also, I plan on making bass cannons. Literally, cannons that play bass at an intolerable frequency for dogs and the like. Would that work on you?” He looked at me a moment, trying to focus. “Wait... Ta’veren? I’m a...?”

I smirked at him.  “Yes you are. Considering how dim you’re glowing, though, not a particularly powerful one. Don’t feel bad, I don’t come across powerful ta’veren all that often... Well, except for the Equestrias I’ve been in. The Elements of Harmony have almost blinded me before they’re so bright. Still doesn’t save them.” A bit of sadness crossed the void as I thought about that last statement.

He looked slightly shocked. “Oh. Uh... I’m ok with not being that powerful, that will let me rob a few casinos, right?” He smiled again. “Dude. I got a weaving spider in my head and I am a corrector for the threads of fate. I think I just acquired confidence.”

I gave him a bittersweet look. “Well, you might get lucky, but I’ll let you in on a little secret. I’m also a minor ta’veren. And I die a lot. I think I get dragged along to interesting events by it mostly. Also, a few lucky breaks, but those aren’t particularly often. It’s not a license that means you can get away with anything, it just means you might have a few more things go right for you... and a few more things go horribly wrong.”

He nodded sagely. “That would explain how my life here has gone so far. Get thrown into slavery, acquire island. Take over a dragon’s mind by accidently it, have dragon get eaten by a shoggoth.” He has a moment of revelation at that last statement. “Oh. Oh holy hell.” I looked at him, puzzled. “If you keep looping infinitely you are going to end up sleeping with everything.” He closed his eyes. “Geez, where did that thought come from?”

I looked at him sympathetically. “Probably the random side that all of us creatures with free will have. I doubt I’ll end up sleeping with everything, though. I’m not attracted to males at all, and that’s stayed true for thirty-two plus thousand years, and I doubt it will change anytime soon. And if you’re wondering how I had a kid, it was from a spell cast by my marefriend.”

"Good.  Very good. When I heard your name I thought of fanfiction and then yaoi and then horrible things happened and working with you when I had that idea would be horrible and why am I still talking.” He was babbling, which I really didn't care if he was babbling or not.

“You’ve probably been under a lot of stress, and you’ve been holding a lot back from your compatriots. Now that you’re with someone who isn’t likely to call you insane, and has probably been where you are, you’re just letting the brain to mouth filter de-stress.” I smiled and continued to talk. “This is all the musings of my amateur psychotherapy talking. I don’t think I’m a horrible therapist, but I’m way too likely to become emotionally involved with those I’m helping in one way or another.”

Ivan scratched the back of his head, then answered my last statement. “Right. I actually dabbled a bit in the social theories myself back home, but I’ve forgotten most of them. I’ll go see someone more qualified eventually. So... this organization thing helps to stop the slave trade?”

I nodded. “Yes. Myself and others collect information on different slave groups. We send it back to our analysts, they interpret the data, and then I go and smash and slaughter the group to an individual, then rescue the slaves. I’d go after the diamond dog tribes, but I’d rather not commit complete genocide.” Not a lie, but something that could end up happening. And I truly don't want to commit genocide... again.

Ivan frowned. “Sounds... inefficient. The killing part I mean. Why don’t you just slap some sort of inhibitor over the place and disable all of the dogs? Use them for experimentation or something? If you are going to kill them, at least use them a bit before you waste them.” I frowned at this, and a flare of weird emotion flared over the void. “I have this idea, see. Dogs cannot stand certain pitches, heck, most of the predators cannot stand certain pitches. If we were to  drop a mass of magic configured to create massive bass, we could just disable them en masse.”

I nodded. “That could certainly work, and I’ll bring it up to my boss if we decide to go after some of the slaver tribes. As for using them for something, if we’re going to kill them, we kill them. Unless someone harms someone I care about, I always give them as quick and painless a death as possible. Let’s just say those I’ve killed for hurting those I care about, they lived for a long time screaming. I’m not quite Semirhage, but I’m good at it.” If he's read the books, then he knows what I'm talking about.

He looks just a little uncomfortable, then talks on. “Fine... Yeah, Bass bombs. So how many times has someone you cared about been hurt?

I felt it was a bit personal, but I don't mind telling people if it intimidates them into not trying shit. “When it was on purpose, and true harm? One-hundred and twelve times. My record for keeping them alive while making sure they spent every waking moment screaming? Three years and twenty-eight days. I don’t punish accidents, though.” Many of those where multiple individuals at a time. The slaver band that absconded with Meliel and Salice comes to mind as prime examples.

He winced, and looked off to the side. “Remind me to never piss you off. Anything I need to watch out for so you don’t end up burying anything I don’t like in me?”

Honesty for this is the best policy. “Don’t become a slaver, rapist, or child abuser. I’m generally pretty forgiving of murder, considering it would be beyond hypocritical of me to judge someone for murder outside of me becoming some sort of justice dispensing official of some sort.”

Ivan nodded. “I’ll assume inhumane experimentation falls under things you disapprove of and humbly offer to do something in exchange for your word that in the event that you flip out and start killing everyone that you give me a warning and a hug.”

“Well, my flipping out generally comes with a few warning signs. My voice becomes as cold as the depths of space, and I ask questions that should set off a few warning bells in someone intelligent.” I sighed. “And yes, I don’t like inhumane experimentation. It tends to create abominations that I end up having to kill.” I looked at him levelly. “Believe it or not, I don’t like killing. I count the lifetimes where I’ve not had to kill anything as my happiest. Seven to eight-hundred years of comparative peace. Those are wonderful, and have only happened to me three times.”

“So if I come across another starspawned horror, can I point it your way? I already had part of my soul eaten this month, I’d rather not have to deal with another part. Also, any attempts on how to deal with a semi insane thing in your head that likes to rift through your memories to use them against you?” He giggled. “I’ve been nodding entirely too much. Does anything throw you for a loop?”

I shivered slightly at the mention of the shoggoth. “I can deal with it, but I’d rather not have it happen in the first place. Extra-dimensional beings have been known to mess with my weaves, and I almost broke a reality just using a small thread of balefire on one of the elder gods. I couldn’t channel for a month the balescream was so bad.” I paused for a moment, before answering the rest of his question. “Most of the time creatures trying to invade your mind come in through your dreams, and since I always ward mine, I don’t have that problem. However, I might have a way to help.” I lifted my hands up again, and started to count off ways to help him out. “One, meditation. Meditation helps you focus, and focus can help you set up mental barriers at the very least. Two, challenge it. Are you aware of the graphic novel ‘The Sandman’?”

He shook his head. “Not at all. I never really read any comic besides spiderman.” He held up a hoof, then continued on. “Sure, laugh at the irony. Never really touched other series. And... how do you propose I meditate? Stare at Catastrophe until she decides that it is harassment and brains me?“

I shook my head.  “That’s not so much meditation as it is ogling. No, meditation is a process of blocking out every extraneous thing, till you come to the object or problem you need to focus on. You ignore the room around you, your ignore what is on or near your body, and then you ignore your body, coming totally to your mind. Then you cut away at each extraneous thought, until you reach a point of perfect focus. And no, you can’t do all of this on the first try. Meditation is as much a learned skill as anything else. That point of perfect focus, you can use it to defend a point in your mind, and potentially the entirety of it. It’s not a perfect defense, and a creature with strong enough willpower can break through just the point, which brings us to challenge. If you know your brain is being invaded, you might be able to convince them to play a mental game for control of your mind."

“The game is known as ‘I assert reality’ and you make an attack and defense along certain lines. The classic Sandman gambit starts off with the attacker beginning as a wolf, cunning and strong. The counter was a lancer riding a horse, killing the wolf from a distance. The riposte was a horsefly to throw the rider, and so on and so forth. And that’s just one of the mental games you can play. Mental combat can be just that, combat, where imagination and willpower are what determines the winner.” I finally finished my probably useless statements, noting the semi-glazed expression on his zebra face.

He looked at me, then asked  “How much do you think it would hurt if I ordered a steak right now?” Heh, a pony-like that wanted to eat meat. “Ok, you can drop the whole illusion thing.”

I asked him quickly “Probably wouldn’t hurt. And I’ll be glad to finally drop the illusion, drop all the eavesdropping wards too?” I didn't mention the shield, I was going to leave that tied off until I left.

Ivan smiled widely. “Yes. I have a job offer for you.”

I undid all my other weaves, and let go of the source. I sighed in relief, having finally let go of the source. “And what is that, pray tell?”

He looked at me. “I have to inform my companions first.” He then looked at his friends. "Hey."

Boss groaned. “Have you finally stopped talking stupid? I think we’ve been here waiting an hour for you to finally hire this guy.” Ivan looked momentarily confused.

Canary then asked “And where did the hammer come from? It’s... felt...” His voice dropped almost below my ability to hear. “I’m catching your insanity, aren’t I?”

Catastrophe shook her head. “Just. I... Tell me you are still planning on paying me, right?

Ivan looked at me. “Gary, I would like to hire you to write to me when you discover other humans or something like that. In exchange, I will grant you the ability to use my island as a refuge place.

“I think that can be arranged, but you should probably introduce me to your compatriots before we finalize the deal.” I said with a smile.

He blinked. “Oh yeah. Right, guys. This is Gary, though his proper name is Marty. I am going to call him Gary because Marty reminds me of hoverboards. He is... a cool guy and he will be writing us about things of interest.” He nodded at me.

Canary stared at me and shivered. “Still a snake.” He rolled his eyes. “Can’t trust snakes.”

Boss glared at the zebra. “Why do all of you have such ridiculous hatred for something?”

Catastrophe blinked. “What do I hate?”

Boss nodded at her. “Ivan. You hate Ivan, remember?”

The griffon nodded. “Right. I kinda forgot about that when he showed me all of those gems. And gave me full permission to pilot the ship.”

Ivan cleared his throat. “Say hello to Gary?”

They looked at me for a moment. “Ok. He still looks more trustworthy than you do, so he can’t be that bad.” Canary mumbles.

Ivan glowered. “Come on! I can count on one ha-” He paused. “I can count on 4 hooves the amount of times I’ve let you guys down.” It didn’t seem as impressive as he intended. He turned back to me. “Right, you’ll write me? How will we deliver the letter. “ He paused. “What did Twilight... Sprinkle was it? Use? A drake or something? Do any of us have a dragon?”

I laughed from my belly. “That’s the best screw-up of her name I’ve ever heard. Twilight SPARKLE has a dragon that can send letters through fire. As for how to contact me? My home is in Coltogne, and I’m probably the only Marty on the planet. As for how me contacting you, perhaps you could set up a post office box somewhere. Or I could just show up in your dreams.” I gave Ivan a wicked smile.

The zebra didn’t flinch, but looks confused. “Are you sure it’s Sparkle? Twilight Sparkle sounds like a term a sex offender uses.” He crouched over the table.” Hey Girl, you wanna see my Twilight Sparkle? It’ll be loads of fun...” He burst out into tired laughter. “And seriously, I don’t read Stephanie Meyers. Doesn’t she like... have a friend or something that breaks the sound barrier? I think I read something about that once. Also, be careful about my dreams. You might end up stumbling across something the spider decides to use and end up in a weird as hell Bondage scene. The spider likes bondage.”

Canary swirled his hoof around his ear in the classic display of, ‘Yeah, he is insane.’. “Can I have anit insanity? Waiter? Where is my medicine?”

Boss just stared at Ivan and myself, switching her gaze between us. “...” She grunted.

I shrugged. “Eh, can’t be all that weird. I’ve lived through porn cliche world. Now that was a weird place. And what does that over-hyped series of books have to do with one of the elements of harmony? Besides a similar name that is.” I took a sip of my drink, then continued. “Her friend did break the sound barrier with only using gravitational assistance. Her name’s Rainbow Dash, probably one of the most arrogant mares you’ll ever meet.” And one of the most wonderful I’ve ever met.

He nodded. “I’m just saying, there was a dragon involved and I think Lucifer. As a girl. Lucifer was a girl and all spidery.” His right eye twitched.

The gryphoness turned away from me. “Right. So... snake freak is writing us now about interesting things.” She let out a huff.

Ivan leans in close to me and whispered. “She only really likes driving things.  If you know what I mean...” He giggled perversely.

Boss blinked. “Right. I’m not even going to touch that.”

Catastrophe grabbed a fork off of the table. “Hm... Should I sterilize these before I castrate you?” She brought the prongs over the fire to burn off any food.

Ivan nodded. “Right. I was making a joke. Relax, even though I’m pretty sure you’d be the dominant in a relationship, I’m not a sub. We would clash horribly.” He looked pretty exhausted.

“And that’s why I tend to date ponies. Most of them just don’t have a dominant personality. At least in bed. Not having to compete for who’s taking charge in bed is nice and simple.” I ignored everything else, not wanting to get myself involved in anything.

“Ponies, as a rule, are boring.” Catastrophe stated. “They are always screaming about something no matter what you do.” She took on a few other voices to simulate a pony.” We need to take this slower!  Please stop eating my leg! Beak jobs are a bad idea! I don’t want to get you pregnant.” She sighed. “I go through relationships like I go through ships. With lots of breaking of the other party and a few easily replaceable losses on my part.”

Boss blinked. “Wow. That was sort of poetic.”

I raised my dermal ridge. “You want her for a pilot? You might consider investing in parachutes.”

Ivan’s gaze hovered over her. “She’s perfect.” He mumbled, lovestruck.

Canary snickered. “Masochistic wing fetisher. You need help.”

Boss rolled her eyes. “Why are all of you so driven by hormones? And yes, I am  aware of the irony.”

Catastrophe growled at Ivan. “You better not think about replacing me or I’ll replace the fuel with your face.”

I smiled at that statement. “It’s as much companionship as anything else. My mind is made to be around others, and sex is a natural consequence of being around others. Plus it feels good.”

Ivan nodded. “Yeah. I’m a virgin.” He coughed lightly.

Canary raised a hoof in the air. “Me as well, though I had an opportunity to be a sex slave back in the mines.”

Boss looked at both of them. “I’m sterile and considered undesirable by other diamond dogs because I do too much talking and not enough humping.”

Catastrophe snorted. “Yeah. I’m far less than a virgin. Maybe a virgin to an actual relationship.” She glared at me. “And for the record, I can fly a ship perfectly fine. The only reason I crash ships is when the owners of the ships decide to not pay me or try to force me to do something I don’t want to.” She huffed, then tore off a portion of red meat. “Wanna see something funny?” She smirked at me sardonically.

“Besides the look you’re giving me? Sure.” I cleared my sword in my sheath, just in case I had pissed off the gryphoness enough to come after me.

She dangled the bit of meat above Ivan’s head, which he stared at, his head turned to the side.. He looked to be supremely concentrated on the sliver of meat. Catastrophe waved it around and his gaze followed.

Boss rolled her eyes. “Will you cut it out? Last time we let him eat meat he ended up throwing up half the night.”

Canary patted Ivan’s shoulder. “We aren’t made to eat meat.”

Catastrophe dangled it a bit longer before eating it in front of him. The look of disappointment of Ivan’s face amused the gryphoness greatly.

“So the herbivore wants to be carnivorous, and the carnivore wants to be omnivorous. Truly this reality has a wry sense of humor.” I said with a slight smile.

Ivan glared at the table. “I really wish I could still eat meat. I mean, I have to live without bacon and jerky and steak and fried chicken and pretty much everything that I ate back home.. I never really ate right back home, if you know what I mean. Far too much meat, not enough everything else. And my tastes were not magically changed, unlike my body. I’m working on a way around that, though.” He nodded.

Catastrophe snickered.

Boss rolled her eyes again. “The masochist likes the sadist. Great. If they ever get together I expect Ivan will be collared.”

Ivan looked at all of them. “I am not a masochist!” He stated emphatically.

Canary shrugged. “But you are attracted to a fairly sadistic griffon.”

Catastrophe growled. “Yeah? I’ve had lots of beings attracted to me. Bunch of whiners.”.

I laughed “You have even more things attracted to you now. Like magnets.”

There was a table wide groan at the pun. “Yeesh.” Ivan complains. “Warn us before you say stuff like that.”

The gryphoness smirked. “You’d be surprised just how many creatures thinks the metal is hot...”

I smiled. “I know of a lot of folks who have a fetish for piercings, and what is a prosthetic but an extreme piercing?”

Catastrophe pointed at me. “He shall have rum if we ever get any.”

Ivan groaned. “I should’ve named the ship Plague.” He shook his head. “Oh well, too late now.”

I stated “While you could always rename it, that’s just asking for bad luck. And the way you were talking, you have enough already.”

Ivan grunted. “You could say that...” He shook his head. “Really, I’m just glad that I’m alive, you know? It’s like... I was never the nicest guy, right? But here, it doesn’t matter. I have magic... and adventure...” He was torn between words. “I just...”

Canary looked at him. “Seriously, where did you come from?”

Boss nodded. “I found him on the shore of the volcanic wastes and took him to Rej to try and get a few gems.”

Catastrophe shrugged. “I feel left out of this conversation and all around bored.”

Ivan gritted his teeth. “Uh...” He looked at me. “I don’t really remember much?” He shook his head. “I mean, that wasn’t supposed to be a question. I don’t remember much at all.”

I looked over at Catastrophe, and said “Don’t feel bad, I’ve been around plenty of conversations that I’ve been a complete and utter ancillary to.”

Catastrophe shrugged. “I feel out of place in this more ‘civilized’ world.” She sneered out the word.

Canary shrugged. “It just feels good to actually sit on something designed to be sat on. Cave floors got old.”

Ivan licked his lips. “So... your boss. Can I have a meeting with him before I decide to join you?”

I thought about it for a moment. “I think she would be amenable to meeting you, but I think she would insist on some security.” I mentally facepalmed. I just gave away that Missy is a female. Oh well, not too big a deal. Seems like three-quarters of this world is female.

He blinked. “Figured it go for the anti cliche and be male, but maybe Equestria has that reversed? Or maybe she is secretly a male?” If what I saw in her dream is anything to go by, you are quite close to the truth.

Catastrophe blinked. “Right. We need to decrazify him eventually.”

I looked at Catastrophe. “I might be able to do something about that. I’m fairly skilled at healing things, and a mind is just another part of a body. Granted, it’s the most important part, but it’s still just a part.”

Ivan tensed and smiled, though it looked forced. “Um. No. I’m just a little stressed out, just like you said. I’m going to need a break after this.”

I looked at Ivan levelly. “No pressure, was merely making the offer. But back on topic, I will contact my boss with that offer, and she’ll possibly get back to you.

He smiled. “Right. And then, after that, I can get some rest.”

Boss cleared her throat. “Recruit anything we can that won’t try to stab us in the back and then return to Rej.”

Canary nodded. “Find a way to keep a standing militia.”

Boss smiled. “Find a way to keep supplies coming in until we can grow our own.”

Ivan slumped against the table and groaned.

“Finding a way to allow for long-distance communication and summon back-up” I stated evenly.

He glared at me. “Stop giving them ideas. Even though I should do all of that.”

Catastrophe snickered. “I’ll get to watch him squirm.”

I looked at Catastrophe “Isn’t that an everyday occurrence for you?”

She nodded. “I’ve only known him for a few days though. He’s been acting funny for all of them.”

“Oh, and what do you consider funny?” I looked at her, curious.

Boss spoke for her. “He’s never really been one to randomly do something, or really be a fan of much. But... He’s been acting oddly.”

Ivan poked his head up. “I’m a little tired out. Please, I’m ok.”

I nodded. “Fatigue makes you do odd things. I’ve been known to sing random ditties, or talk.. to inanimate objects when I’m really tired.” I don’t think I want them to know  I used to have feet. Talking to your shoes probably means you’re nuts anyways.

Ivan looked at me. “Yeah. What he said.” He slumped back against the table.

The conversation died, and we sat around for a bit. I looked outside, and saw that it was close to the end of the day. If I was going to get a message to Missy in timely manner, I would have to leave now. "I'm sorry to say this folks, but I need to take my leave of you now If I'm going to get my message to my boss on time. Do you want me to add in anything specific?" I said to Ivan, who seemed to be the leader of the bunch.

He looked at me, then nodded. "Yes, tell her 'Alea iacta est'."

I laughed at this, then got up to leave. I quickly undid the shield weave, then got out the door. I began to familiarize myself with the town, and found an alleyway that couldn't be easily observed. I quickly made the signal, waited for five minutes, then made a gateway to my home.

I created an illusion over the gateway from the Mustang side, then walked through. Once through, I created a wall of air in the middle of the gateway, and tied it off. I then created another illusion over the Coltogne side of the gateway to cover it up from any visitors we might get.

"Violet! I'm home... for a bit." I called out into the house.

Violet walked out of the kitchen. "Hey Marty, you're back early. No luck?"

"Well, I got a small piece of luck, and I need to get a letter to Missy, and stat. We do have overnight post, right?"

She looked at, me then sighed. "Well, yes, but it costs the earth."

"Oh well, I don't really have a need for money, and I imagine I can get Missy to repay me if it's too expensive." I then left the house to scramble to the town postal service.

A blue and white pegasus stallion was manning Or is that ponying? the counter when I slithered in. "Yes *puff* I'd like to *puff* overnight a letter to Canterlot. How *puff* much?" I had to calm down my breathing, but that wouldn't be too hard.

"That's fifty bits, for overnight to Canterlot." He flexed his wings in disdain

I looked at him, stunned. "Fifty. Bits. For just to Canterlot?!"

"Be glad it isn't to Los Pegasus. That's one hundred bits." I looked at his cutie mark, trying to see if it was a possible symbol for price gouging. It was a winged package, so that was a no-go.

"Here, take the money. I need you to take this asap. It's for a government official." I gave him the money, but was not happy in the slightest.

"For the government?!" He looked startled. "For government work, it's heavily discounted, sir. Fifteen bits." He hoofed back the now extraneous bits. "We'll get this sent out right away."

"Thank you." I slithered out the door, and back to the house I shared with Violet.

We had a quiet remainder of the day, peacefully going to bed that evening.


*****


We woke up the next morning, and went through our regular morning routine. I went back through the gateway, and shut it behind me.

I slithered back to the pub where I had met Ivan the day before. I met him in the bar, and noted how he reacted to me. Plastered a fairly obviously fake grin to his face. "You're in luck. I got you a meeting with my boss."

He looked a little green at this statement, but decided to ask "When?"

I had seen the airship coming in over the horizon, so I decided to tease him. "Today."


*****


The airship took a bit to arrive, and when they did, I stood off to the side, to make sure that they didn't try and murder each other.

The maddeningly stoic met annoyingly manic, and I just sat off to the side trying to not get drawn into the conversation. The two of them came to their own agreements, then set out. I was decently happy to finally be done with the lot, and didn't quite feel like going home yet. I feel like going gliding for the hell of it.


*****



Author's Notes


This has been a crossover with 7-4 and his work A Broken Peace. I hope you enjoy.