//------------------------------// // Chapter 2 // Story: Sun // by EquineWhoDoesStuff //------------------------------// “Sooooo… Mom, Dad. Funny thing, really! I actually had something to tell you!” I say, smiling too widely, “I’m uh. I’m a girl now!” I raise my hooves up unsurely. “Surprise…?” The lingering silence gives way to the sound of Pinkie Pie’s applause.  I look between the two ponies sitting on the edge of the hotel bed, nervously running a hoof through my mane. “Was that ok then?”  “I give that a seven out of ten!! Cause you’re so adorable when you get all awkward!” Pinkie says, nodding excitedly. Fluttershy looks between Pinkie and me, blinking slightly.  I blush slightly at the complement, but deflate at the actual sentiment. “Ok, so it was as awkward as I thought it was. Great.” I say, and turn to the other member of my audience. “What did you think, Fluttershy?” “Oh!” She scuffs a hoof on the bed. “It was nice. I think.” I look at her flatly. “Can you maybe give me a teensy bit more to work with?” “Well. Coming out to somepony is a very hard thing, so I don’t think it’s something I can really judge…” “You’re the only one here who’s come out to their parents as transgender, Fluttershy.” I trot swiftly towards the bed. “You are literally the only pony here who can judge!” I throw my hooves up in the air. Fluttershy makes a meeping noise and hides behind her mane. “Sorry.” I frown at the sight, backing away a step. “No.” I look away, sighing. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t snap at you just because I’m nervous.” “It’s ok!” Fluttershy says hastily. “Is it really?” I raise an eyebrow. “I uh. Believe me, I understand the nerves.” Fluttershy tucks a lock of her mane back behind her ears. “Though, um. I would prefer it if you didn’t speak loudly in my face anymore.” I smile guiltily. “Of course, Fluttershy!” Turning towards Pinkie I ask, “And you’re ok too?” “I’m okie dokie!” Pinkie is still smiling merrily. “This whole thing is, you know…” She taps her chin. “ …Knowing how other ponies will react to the things you do or say! I know I’m not very good at that!” She says enthusiastically.  Then she leans over to me and cups a hoof around my ear, looking around conspiratorially, before stage whispering, “I think it’s probably the autism!” I gently push her off, muzzle crinkling with a smile. “I know, Pinkie. Believe me, I can relate.” Pinkie bounces back into her seat. “But that’s why I’m here for moral support instead!! I’m great at that!” Her smile grows sly. “Annnndddd~ If you maybe need it, party support?” She looks up at me with puppy dog eyes. I groan. “Pinkie. I already told you, we are not throwing a gender reveal party.” Pinkie’s ears turn down. “Aww! But I never get to do those! Ponies always try to get me to throw them for babies, and I just don’t get it!” Just then, the muffled sound of a faucet turning off comes from the hall, and Spike emerges from the bathroom holding his toothbrush. “So. Rehearsal number twenty one go any better than the last twenty?” “I’ll have you know I’m making great progress!” I say, trying not to sound too snippy. Spike says, “You should stop worrying so much, it’s mom and dad! You just gotta tell them.” I look at him, and then at the ground. “It… It just isn’t that simple, ok?” “I guess so.” Spike sighs. “You’ve already got like five big speeches written out, does stressing about every little thing you could say even help? Pinkie is kicking her hooves off the side of the bed. “He has a point you know!” Spike’s chest puffed up at that, and Pinkie turns and says, “Right shy?” Fluttershy’s eyes widen, and she looks around between them. “Um. Well. I do think… the last few tries have all been equally good. But I also think that, when you're scared about saying something, finding the right words can be very important.” She smiles slightly. “So I guess I’m neutral. If that’s ok?” “It’s fine Fluttershy.” I reply, looking between the ponies and the dragon. “I get what you all mean. I’ll try to stop obsessing over my speech.” “And you won’t be alone either! We’ll all be there to back you up!” Pinkie says, hopping to her hooves. Fluttershy quickly nods along. Spike puts his claws on his hips in a determined pose. “Yeah! I just got a big sister, I’m not letting anything happen to her!” My hooves go up to cover my muzzle, tears prickling at the backs of my eyes. “Oh Spike.” I reach down and scoop him up into a squeezing hug.  “Twi-light!” He complains. I laugh softly. “It’s your fault for being so sweet!” “Yeah yeah.” He grumbles, looking away as I set him down. I smile, then shut my eyes tight and take a deep breath before opening them. “Ok. Ok. I’ve got this. We’ve got this.” Spike smiles triumphantly at my words. I walk over to my open suitcase and look it over, rubbing a hoof across my chin and staring hard “But then, what do I wear?” I spin around, grabbing articles of clothing in my magic. “If I dress too feminine, they’ll realize before I get the chance to tell them! But if I dress too masculine, they might not take me seriously when I do tell them!” “I don’t think your wardrobe is going to be the deciding factor.” Spike says flatly. “We don’t know that!” I retort at Spike. There’s a soft sound at my side, but I’m focused on the conversation. “When’s the last time dad even noticed what somepony was wearing, and when’s the last time mom cared?” As Spike speaks, the sound comes again, a voice, more forceful this time, but no louder. “Well—” I start. “Fluttershy has something to say!” Pinkie says at outdoor volume, pointing toward the pegasus. Me and Spike turn to stare.  Oh! I look at Fluttershy, realizing the soft sound had been her. I finally focus, giving her my attention. Fluttershy smiles over at Pinkie. “Oh, Than—” “No problem! I’m great at interrupting!” Pinkie interrupts. Fluttershy waits for a beat, to make sure Pinkie won’t continue, and then says, “Thanks Pinkie…” She turns to me. “I think you should just wear your little hair clip. It’s the truest to how you normally dress. You shouldn’t have to dress up to earn anypony’s respect.” Fluttershy looks to the side. “Plus, um, you look very pretty just the way you are already.” I only blush a little bit. I’m starting to get more used to ponies calling me pretty, as unimaginable as that seems to me. “Well, when you put it that way, I suppose that sounds… rational.” I sigh. “I’ll stop fretting about that too then. But I reserve the right to find other things to fret about!” “Well that’s a given.” Spike says, smirking. I trot over to my bag. Setting aside the other clothes, I root through it a moment, before pulling out the hair clip in my magic. Once it’s been clamped securely in place, I turn around and ask, “How do I look?” “Lovely,” Fluttershy says. Pinkie answers by bouncing in place, vibrating really. She picks up speed, practically humming. Then she releases all the momentum, pouncing toward me in a blur and wrapping me up in a big hug. “A super duper cutie!!!!!” Pinkie says in a high pitched squeal. “That’s what you look like!” And then proceeds to nuzzle enthusiastically into my neck. I squirm, giggling, only to look over Pinkie’s shoulder and see Fluttershy, who is very much still sitting there, staring at us. My embarrassment is crimson and immediate, I stiffen in Pinkie's hold.  Pinkie notices, taking it as a sign to stop her nuzzling, but still hangs off of me, smiling. I do my best to look casual, as Fluttershy continues looking at us, lips pursed just slightly. “Time to go, would you look at that!” I say suddenly, trying to wriggle out from under Pinkie. Pinkie notices and happily hops off me. I waste no time grabbing my saddlebags and walk briskly toward the door, Pinkie bouncing at my side. Fluttershy quickly rouses from her reverie, getting up to follow along with us. The trip through Canterlot is a little nerve wracking. Every corner it feels like somepony I knew from my old home might jump out and accuse me of… something.  Going to ponyville and coming back a huge queer?  That fear doesn’t exactly seem realistic, because despite the assurances of being pretty from my friends, I don't really look like a mare.  Ok wait, that came out wrong. I’m really not trying to put myself down! I just mean that nothing about how I’m presenting is explicitly gender coded. I’m not wearing a dress, and I look fairly adrodgynous at a glance. There’s no reason for anypony who recognizes me on the street to think I’m anything but a moderately effeminate stallion.  The idea of everypony just magically knowing I’m a mare is appealing, But it’s also scary. This way feels safer, even if I don’t particularly like it. It’s at least something to soothe my worries of being clocked by Canterlot ponies I know. Just one more thing I have to think about now.  It’s bizarre to think I used to just walk around taking everypony’s gender for granted. I hadn’t known what it was like to have to struggle to get ponies to see you a certain way. Now I’m painfully aware of what it’s like to live in a culture where ponies assume what you are by how they read your gender. Well, perhaps I had always known, at least a little. I just ignored it, not knowing why I hadn’t wanted ponies assuming things about me. But nopony calls out to me, accusatory or not, and we all make our trip without incident.  Coming back to my childhood home feels odd now. I’ve changed so much since I’d been there last, will I even fit anymore? My childhood home’s street is a long line of houses all built in one solid row, but the width of the homes and their fenced in front lawns made them feel more separate than they truly are. Right at the edge of the stone path leading up to my old home’s front door, my hooves stop moving. It’s abrupt enough that Spike bumps into me from behind. I breathe very deeply, in and out, suddenly rooted in place.  Maybe this isn’t a good time? It’d be better to do this later on, right? In a year, or maybe a couple years, when I have more experience, when I’m more sure of myself— Spike walks around to my left, grabbing my attention when he squeezes my foreleg softly. He looks up at me and smiles. Pinkie comes over on my right, brushing against my coat and grinning at me. Fluttershy trots up beside Spike, giving me a gentle nod, and that’s what finally breaks me free. I step down the path, knocking on the front door. There’s no immediate response, so I stand there, starting to fuss with my hair and wondering if I should knock again. Then a magenta aura very close to my own envelops the handle and the door swings outward. A gray hoof reaches out and grabs me, and I have just enough time to see my mom’s face before being pulled into an embrace. Twilight Velvet wasn’t usually much of a hugger, but she makes an exception for her kids.  “Dusk dearie! Welcome home!” I wince. My mom has no way of knowing about my new name, but being called ‘Dusk’ again still makes me go limp in her arms.  “H-hey Mom.” I say, and if my mom notices my awkwardness, she doesn’t give any sign. Instead, she releases me with a little pat on the head and bends down to hug Spike. “There’s my handsome little drake!” Mom says.  Spike blushes and squirms in the hug, trying to look grumpy but unable to be too mad. “Hehe, good to see you too Mom.” She lets go of Spike and sets him down, before turning to Fluttershy and Pinkie with a polite smile. “Oh! You must be some of Dusk’s new friends, it’s wonderful to finally meet you in person.” Mom turns and sticks out a hoof to Pinkie, who shakes it enthusiastically and says, “Hi, I’m Pinkie Pie!!” “Twilight Velvet, Dusk Shine’s mother.” She says in reply. I grimace lightly. My mom turns to Fluttershy next, shaking her hoof as well. “Ah, uh, hello Misses Velvet. I’m…” Fluttershy trails off, hesitating. “Fluttershy, right?” Mom raises an eyebrow. “Oh! Yes.” Fluttershy looks relieved at the intervention. “Nice to meet you as well dear.” Mom steps to the side and gestures. “Now come in, all of you now!” We’re all led inside, past framed pictures of me and my brothers. My childhood home isn’t huge, or lavishly decorated, but everything inside shines with a simple elegance. Even dad’s fanciful star charts have been sequestered off into their own ordered sections. “Now this really is exciting.” Mom starts talking as she walks ahead. “You know, Dusk talks about you girls all the time!” She looks back at me and quirks an eyebrow. “Not that he talks about you to me, mind you. I swear I wouldn’t know the first thing about my son’s life nowadays if I didn’t have my bi-weekly tea with Princess Celestia.” My Mom’s son. I shut my eyes and exhale, feeling that familiar guilt. “Sorry Mom, you know how busy I get with my studies.” That really had been the reason, until a few months ago, when it had become a much more particular kind of avoidance. “Oh I know I know, and I’m only bringing it up in front of your new friends so that they can remind you to write to your dear old mom more often, eh?” My cheeks heat up. “Mom!” “Yes yes, that’s my name, don’t wear it out dear.” My mom says, before peeking her head through a door frame and calling out. “Honey! Dusk and Spike are here with Dusk’s new friends!” I glance back at my friends and see Fluttershy giving me a sympathetic look. I take a turn into the living room, inclining my head for my friends to follow suit. It’s a familiar room, swathed in soft muted blues. My mom comes back around the corner behind us, this time with my dad, Night Light, close behind. “Hey! There’s my kiddos!” He says with his usual goofy grin. “Hey Dad.” Me and Spike say simultaneously, Spike’s greeting being a little louder. I smile, stepping over to hug my dad. I’m just happy he’d used something non-gendered, instead of ‘boys’, his other favored term for addressing me and my brothers. Dad pulls back, releasing me. “Now, how’s the star student and his number one assistant doing?” The pronouns are easy enough to ignore. Almost. “I’ve been good.” I smile, thinking about my friends. “Really good actually. I’ve learned so much since I moved to Ponyville.” “You’re telling me! Look at you, going around saving Equestria, and bringing friends home?” My dad says as if those two things are equally astonishing. “Aw, I knew you had it in you! You always had your mothers smarts, but now that Light family charm is finally kicking in!” He pats me on the back. “That must be it.” I roll my eyes, still smiling. Dad kneels down to get closer to level with Spike. “And how about you little guy?” “Not that little.” Spike says. “My mistake! How about you, normal sized, very powerful guy?” Dad says. Spike taps his chin. “Hm… Yeah that’s better.” He nods in satisfaction. “I’m doing good! I’ve been really busy helping Tw– Dusk!” Spike catches himself. “Glad to hear it!” Dad stands up and Spike shoots me an apologetic glance. Glancing back at him, I shrug off the slip-up, trying not to be nervous myself. Dad turns to my friends standing behind me, stepping up. “You two must be Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie, nice to meet you! Names’ Night Light, welcome to our humble abode!” “Yippee!! Glad to be here!” Pinkie says. “Ah, thank you. It’s nice to meet you too.” Fluttershy says politely.  Spike waddles to the couch, jumping onto his favorite spot. My parents sit down in the paired chairs opposite the couch. I take that as my cue, sitting down next to Spike. Only to bounce back into the air as Pinkie leaps onto the seat next to me. I almost topple over, but Pinkie steadies me with a hoof, giggling apologetically. Fluttershy stands for a moment, looking around, before finally settling on the sofa chair next to the couch. Dad turns toward Pinkie. “Glad you’re enjoying the new upholstery! We haven’t had anyone to bounce on them since all the little rascals moved out!” “Un-bounced cushions?” Pinkie's eyes go wide with concern, “Tell me they’ve at least been used for pillow forts!” My dad shakes his head gravely. “I’m afraid not.” “Oh no!!!!!” Pinkie says in horror, before scrunching her face in determination. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure I bounce on them every time I visit!”  Dad schools his expression into seriousness. “You sure you can handle that kind of responsibility?” He raises an eyebrow. “You can count on me, Mr. Light sir!” Pinkie salutes. Dad rubs his chin. “I may have just met you, but I’ve got a good feeling! I’ll hold you to that, then!” “Honey.” Mom says from his side, looking less amused. “Are you telling our guest to jump all over our new couch every single time she visits?” “Uh.” Dad looks to Mom and then back at Pinkie. “I’ll hold you to that, as long as Twilight says it’s ok.” He adds. “Ok! I can’t see any potential loopholes in that deal!” Pinkie says enthusiastically, then throws a quick wink my way. Dad finally cracks a smile, then bursts out into a hearty laugh. He slaps a hoof against his knee as his laughter peters out. He turns to me, grinning. “I like your friend, Dusk! Heh, I should’ve known Pinkie and Dad would hit it off. The idea is only slightly terrifying. Mom looks slightly exasperated, but smiles. Then turns her gaze to me. Looking me over, she speaks up. “Hm, you’ve really grown your mane out dear.” “Ah. Yes!” I respond cautiously. “I’m glad you're finally styling it! It looks good!” My mom nods at me. “Oh!” I grin bashfully, probably more surprised than I should be. “Thank you!” I brush a lock of my mane behind my ear, immediately hyper aware of how femme the gesture is. But my parents have seen me acting vaguely gender nonconforming my whole life, and I honestly don’t think they’ll find it odd. Looking for a change of topic, I take another look around the room, searching. Huh. “So, where’s my brother?” I ask expectantly. “Unfortunately he couldn’t make it.” Dad says. “You know how busy he is nowadays” My ears drop down. “Oh, ok.” I had wanted to tell my whole family at once, before the Gala. “Sorry dear, your letter was on short notice.” Mom chimes in. “No, that’s true, it’s alright.” I might not get to tell Shining Armor, but on the bright side, that’s one less pony to come out to at once. “Wait, your brother?” Pinkie picks up Spike, who makes a short noise of protest, and holds him up. “But Spike’s right here!” “Hah! No no, Dusk’s birth sibling Shining Armor.” “Wait. You have another brother?!” “I— Yes?” I look around at my friends. “Haven’t I mentioned him before? My older brother?” “Noperoonie!” Pinkie says. ”Not even a little!” “Oh, um. I hadn’t heard about him either. But I suppose it isn’t too surprising, really. I know I don’t talk about my brother much.” Fluttershy says ruefully, with a far away look in her eyes, before shaking her head and smiling at my parents. “But that’s part of why it’s so nice to be here! We’re getting to know our dear friend’s family better.” Pinkie grins at that, nodding. Fluttershy and Pinkie are still avoiding gendering me to my parents. I appreciate it. Avoiding my old name is thoughtful, but unnecessary in this context, it doesn’t bother me too bad. Either way, once I come out, it won’t be an issue anymore.  “Oh you girls are too sweet.” My mom says. “I’m just so glad Dusk found a nice group of mares like you who accept him.” She gives Fluttershy what I think is a knowing look  “You know, Dusk’s always fit in better with fillies than with colts his own age.” I look down, flushing. She isn’t wrong, but… Fluttershy’s smile strains awkwardly. “That… doesn’t exactly surprise me.” I stare hard down at the carpet. My gut twists up. I probably just look like I’m pouting. They’re already talking about me being different from other colts. That’s a good segue, so it's time to go through with it, right?  It’ll have to be, because the roiling in my gut is just getting worse. I don’t know if the anticipation really is worse than the event, but either way I don’t think I can stand the anticipation much longer.  My mom replies to Fluttershy. “Oh? I suppose not! You girls must know Dusk very well by now!” “Yeah! And the more we know, the more there is to love!!” Pinkie says. I’m still looking down, a sure sign to my parents that I’m feeling overwhelmed. I need to do something before they ask about it. “Truly though, I can’t say how grateful I am that Dusk found you. I think it’s the most he’s ever connected with ponies outside of family or the Princess.” Before either of my friends can reply. I finally pull my head up. “Uh, Mom, Dad.” “Yeah kiddo?” Dad says. “There’s actually something I wanted to talk to you about.” My forelegs wrap around my stomach to stifle the buzz boiling inside. “It’s…” My words catch, stuck. I stare at both my parents' curious, slightly concerned expressions. Is… Is going through this really worth it? Or am I just obsessing over a bunch of unimportant stuff like I usually do? I’m being unreasonable asking everypony to just go along with it. Asking everypony I’ve known to change how they think of me. Especially since I don’t even look like a mare anyway. Who could blame them if they don’t get it? Wouldn’t it be easier to just drop this and stop being so dramatic? I wouldn’t have to come out to my parents, or my brother, or all of Equestria. I wouldn’t have to go to the Gala. I could go back and hide inside myself again. But even as I ask myself the question, I know my answer. There’s no way to force myself to forget what it feels like to love yourself. I’d always know about the vibrant world that was just out of reach. Going back would be like willingly suffocating myself, the absence would hollow me out inside. “Mom. Dad.” I look between them, not willing to shy away. The world recedes away from me, my pounding heart forming a fuzzy edge to my vision as my world narrows down to my parents and their every little movement.  Feeling slightly outside myself I say, “I’m a mare. I’m transgender.”