//------------------------------// // Hell's Kitchen // Story: Far From the Tree // by Rust //------------------------------// Note: I do not own My Little Pony. Wrote this chapter on my Ipod, so it might be a little hairy. CHAPTER ELEVEN HELL'S KITCHEN Ponyville, though a rather small town, was known for having a large amount of activity. Under the noonday sun, vendors hawked their wares, schoolfoals dashed around underfoot, and a rainbow plethora of ponies went about their business. The residents often tended to avoid the hustle and bustle of the central market row, however, preferring to keep to the multitude of small, gardened squares and shadier side streets that branched off of Stirrup Street. The vast multitude of ponies trotting along Stirrup were actually tourists who had fallen in love with Ponyville's quaint charm and the occasional wanderer who found themselves in need of supplies and a pit stop. As a particularly large dark teal stallion worked his way through the crowd, he couldn't help but feel amazed. He adjusted the old Stetson on his head thoughtfully as he looked around. This is what it's like nowdays? Crikey, this is almost what the old Royal Palace town used to be. Buckshot hadn't been into town since the day he'd woken up at the library. Even then, it'd been raining out, so nopony was outside, and he'd taken the back roads, so he'd never actually been into the center of Ponyville until now. All of his free time had been spent at Sweet Apple Acres. Now that he had left to find his own calling, though, he needed a place to start. Might as well look in the town he'd helped build with his own two hooves all those years ago. I need somewhere to kip for the night. On the side of the road, he noticed a familiar red giant behind a vending cart stacked high with apples. Grinning, he approached his kin. "G'day, Big Mac! How's the business today?" Big Macintosh or his sister often took the cart into town on nice days like this to make a haul of extra bits. Usually the ponies that sampled some of Sweet Apple Acres delectable fruit came back for seconds, sometimes even thirds. The small, but smug smile on the stallion's normally laconic features indicated that so far today had been quite profitable. After seeing his uncle approach, he tossed him an apple. "Not too bad," he answered in his usual slow drawl. Buck caught it and trotted around behind the cart and leaned up against a nearby building, out of the way of the passing crowd. He began munching the apple. "Say, ya happen ta know where I might be able to buy or rent a place to sleep for a few weeks?" Macintosh nodded, but he clearly had a question on his mind. "Eeyup." His uncle took another bite of the apple. "I know what your're gonna ask, mate. I'm tryin' ta find me own way in life. Gonna start lookin' around town for a job." The red giant closed his eyes for a moment in thought. "There's a place over by Sugarcube Corner that's been up fer sale fer a while now. Ah reckon yer bits'll be welcome iffin' that's where ya decide t' go." He adjusted the sprig of hay that constantly seemed to be in his mouth. "But Ah dunno. Pinkie Pie lives next door. That could be a lil' problematic." Buck had to think for a moment. Pinkie Pie was one of Applejack's friends, also one of the Elements of Harmony that had saved Equestria twice in recent times; once from Nightmare Moon, and again from the malevolent spirit of chaos, Discord. I've heard some pretty whacko things about that'un. Good thing I like crazy. Resolving to check this place out first, he got directions from his kin and said farewell. Buck's stride lengthened almost unconsciously as he strode down the road. For some reason, he felt on top of the world. His head bobbed a beat only he could hear as he sauntered along. A large grin was plastered to his face, eyes half closed, as he imagined the possibilities ahead of him. What could I be? I could resume my duties as Champion, I supose, but the mayor might not like it if I bump her out. Now there was a thought. A champion could only leave office if they died. Buck hadn't exactly died when he'd vanished one thousand years ago. Technically, he was still in charge of Ponyville. Nah, I'm sure Celestia has taken that little rule out by now. Besides, what with all the weird stuff that pops up around this place, I'd have to bloody up my hooves more than I'd like... which is not at all. I'll leave it ta AJ and her friends. They seem capable enough. Especially that purple one. What was her name again? Twilight? Nice mare. Clopping powerful magic user. His thoughts turned into a tailspin as he rounded the final bend on his way. Sugarcube Corner loomed in front of him, a marvel of all things delicious. The building was constructed normally, at least from the roof down. The roof itself was made of what appeared to be giant slabs of gingerbread, covered with frosting and sprinkles. The top of the building was crested with a two-floor tower capped in a roof that caused the structure to look like a humongous cupcake. All in all, Buck got extremely hungry just looking at the place. I wonder if that roof is actually made of gingerbread... -x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- Pinkie Pie was thrown from her dangerous perch atop the stool when a large bang shook Sugarcube Corner. She had been trying to reach the jar of cookies that the Cakes kept for snacking. The pink party pony picked herself off the floor. "Wow!" she said to herself. "That was COOL! I wonder what that was, though. I don't think there are supposed to be any earthquakes today..," abruptly, she froze as various parts of her body twitched and spasmed. When the fit had passed, she narrowed her eyes into a dangerous expression. "Somepony's eating my house!" she growled. Pinkie Pie produced a bright yellow cannon from behind her back. "Only I get to do that!" -x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- Buck was in heaven. After jumping up to the roof with his powerful back legs, he had made a discovery worthy of the history books. Sugarcube Corner was made out of food. And it was GOOD. One small test lick had turned into several small bites... which had turned into several large mouthfulls. The roof now sported a comical assortment of bite marks. "Uuuggggghhh," he moaned as he took another bite of roof, his mouth full of food. "Thif if fffoooooo goood!" His culinary pleasure was rudely interrupted as the roof around him sudden exploded into a conflagration of light, noise, and confetti, and he collapsed into the building below. Buck let out a very un-stallion like yelp as he hit the floor with a loud, wet smack. He looked up from where his face had left a reasonably good impression off himself in the tiled floor. He noticed his hat lying nearby, so he rolled over and put it back on his head. His bandanna was slightly singed. Taking in his surroundings, he immediately froze. He was in a kitchen, there were delicious pieces of roof lying everywhere, and a decidedly ticked-off looking Pinkie Pie with straight hair was looking at him threateningly from down the smoking barrel of the the most intimidating yellow cannon Buck had ever seen. He held up a chunk of gingerbread sheepishly. "Want some?" Pinkie Pie's stare was almost as bad as the cockatrice's. "Errr... guess not. G'day, Missus Pie. 'Ow are ya on this fine winter day?" The reply's tone was cold, the words colder still. "I was okie-dokie-lokie, but then somepony decided to have snacktime on my roof. Without asking." Buck gave out a nervous chuckle. "Well, I hope you catch 'em. Nasty business, those types of ponies. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I hear me laundry callin'..," he attempted to rise, only to be greeted with the muzzle of the cannon being pressed into his face. "You don't wear clothes." The stallion who had faced down a manticore, an ursa minor, a tournament of champions, and several extremely nasty diaper changes had never felt more afraid in all his life. So this is all how it ends? Might as well apologize before I go out - preserve what shred of dignity I have left. "Look, I'm sorry I was eatin' your roof. It just looked so good from outside, and frankly I happen ta luv gingerbread. I can pay for the damage, too," he pointed up to the large, smoking hole in the roof above them. Suprisingly, Pinkie Pie lowered the party cannon. "It IS pretty good, isnt it?" she asked brightly. Buckshot was completely dumbstruck by her sudden change in attitude. "I mean, sometimes after my shift's over I go up there and eat a few bites. I like the frosted bits!" Pinkie helped the confounded stallion to his hooves. Her hair had returned to its poofy state by this time. She took the piece of roof that Buck had offered her earlier from his hoof and popped it into her mouth. "The Cakes really know how to cook a good roof!" The ancient knight brushed off some crumbs from his mane, still not believing he had come that close to a confetti filled death and escaped. He glanced up to the masssive hole in the roof. The edges of the gap were blacked to a crisp. Faint traces of smoke leaked out of the particularly burnt patches. How in Celestia's mane did I survive that? More importantly, where the clop did she get a bloody cannon? The ring of a bell coming from the store area of the house put that last thought on hold. The pink baker bounced into the store room, followed cautiously by a still shell-shocked Buck. The storefront of Sugarcube Corner was typical in its furnishings; a few tables and seats for ponies eating inside, a throw rug or two to spice things up. However, it was the merchandise that really held the title of centerpiece here. A glass counter housed a plethora of baked delicacies ranging from the simple to the ludicrous. Simple chocolate chip cookies fought side by side with quadruple-layered cakes for the attention of potential buyers. There were colors of frosting under the glass that Buck had no name for, such was the incredible display. Eyeing a particularly delicious looking set of puffy concoctions was a gray Pegasus mare with blond hair and golden, crossed eyes, and several bubbles adorning her flank for a cutie mark. She looked up at the two as they came in behind the counter from the kitchen. Or, rather, one of her eyes did, while the other did a sudden loop-de-loop. "Hiya, Pinkie!" she said brightly. Pinkie Pie's enthusiastic response was just as cheerful. "Hi Derpy! What can I get for you? Oh! Silly me, I bet you're going to ask for the usual, right?" Derpy nodded eagerly, a silly grin now on her face. She turned to the knight beside Pinkie. "Hiya, Buck! Nice job at the Hearth's Warming party!" Her bad eye wobbled around crazily. It was cute, in a kind of silly way. Pinkie Pie reached into the counter and pulled out several of the strange pastries. She launched them all up into the air, where they seemed to hang momentarily before neatly falling back down into a take-out bag that had mysteriously appeared in her pink hooves. The bag was set on the counter and the gray pegasus picked it up in her mouth, setting a few bits onto the counter at the same time. Buck was curious as to what the pastries were. He turned to Derpy, who had one eye looking at him, and the other at Pinkie. "'Scuse me, miss. But I was wonderin' what those are," he pointed a hoof at the bag. Derpy's jaw dropped straight down. The bag of pastries would have hit the floor, had she not stuck a hoof out to catch it in the nick of time. "Wha-huuuuuhhh?" was all she could say. "Errr... See, I'm sorta new 'round these parts, and I don't really know much about what's what." Buckshot rubbed the back of his neck with a hoof bashfully. One of Derpy's golden eyes filled with shock, while the other took a nose dive downwards. Quickly, she opened up the bag and placed one of the pastries on the counter. She lowered her face up against the edge, so only her wonky eyes were exposed. She motioned for Buck to do the same. The stallion complied, if somewhat confused. They stared at eachother from across the counter, the pastry in between them. Two ocean eyes looked into two golden ones, as rebellious peeper had suddenly stopped its acrobatics. Derpy spoke up in a conspiratorial whisper. "This..," she moved her hooves over the pastry like she was reading a crystal ball. "is a muffin." "A... 'muffin'?" She nodded reverently. "Yes. It has many uses." "What does it do?" "Everything." Buck stared at the muffin in awe. "You're pullin' me leg." "Try it, and you'll see." Buck cautiously picked it up in his hoof, eyeing it like it would explode. Slowly, ever so slowly, he took a small bite out of the muffin. Immediately, his pupils shrunk to pinpricks. By Discord's dingleberries... The innocent pastry was devoured as if it was the last morsel of sustenance left in Equestria. Derpy's face proceeded to break the barriers on the smug-meter. "You like muffins, don't you, Buckshot." it was undoubtedly more of a statement than a question. The stallion did not answer her immediately, as he was still riding high on the effects of the muffin. "That was..," he swung his front hooves around in an almost drunken manner. " SO CLOPPIN' GOOD!" he turned to Pinkie Pie, who had been watching the spectacle through a fit of laughter. "Pinkie!" She managed to reply through a storm of giggles. "Yeah?" "Your muffins. All of them," he slammed a bulging sack of bits onto the counter. "and so help you Celestia if there aren't enough," he added in a low growl. -x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x- Buckshot and Derpy walked side by side away from Sugarcube Corner, each scarfing down as many muffins as they could. Atop the stallion's back was bulging burlap sack of no less than fifty pounds worth of Pinkie Pie's delectable baking. The two were chatting amiably as they walked, although with no real direction in mind. Derpy, the town's mailpony, was on medical leave after suffering from a concussion she'd received when she had collided with Rainbow Dash during another attempt to create a Sonic Rainboom. Needless to say, in the battle between Derpy's head and an athletic Pegasus traveling at almost the speed of sound, the latter turned out to be the victor. "Fffo," Derpy spoke through a mouth stuffed full of muffin. "you're wookin' fffer a pwace to wive?" Buck nodded enthusiastically. "Yeff!" Crumbs sprayed out of his mouth. "Wew... I fffink I know a pwafe." She swallowed her mouthful. "Hit me." The stallion reached into the bag atop his back and tossed her another muffin. "Weawy?" Derpy pointed up ahead. "It's just up there, these two nice ponies are offering up a room to board," She popped the pastry into her mouth. "Fey're kinda fwierd, fough." "Eferypony 'round fere iff a widdle fwierd." Buck immediately replaced the muffin he'd just consumed with two more. "Fut I finda fike fhat." The sound of chewing made up the rest of their conversation as the two made their way down the road. Derpy stopped in front of a large, three-floored tower. There was a large, metallic and glass dome on top of the building with an enormous telescope poking out through the observation hole. The tower itself was painted a deep dark blue with stars drawn here or there to produce a night-sky effect, and all of the windows on each floor had a little window box stuffed full of strange plants. "Fiff iff fuh fwace!" mumbled Derpy through the baked goods. "Fhwat?" She swallowed another mouthful. "This is the place!" she said brightly. Buck also swallowed. "Thankee' for showin' me here, miz Derpy." He offered her his hoof. "Call me Ditzy. It's my real name, after all. Everypony just calls me Derpy because of my eye." she shook it warmly. "Thanks for sharing your muffins with me!" "Thanks for introducin' me to 'em." She giggled. "No prob! I'll see you around, okay? Good luck with your new home! Buh-bye!" And with that, she flew off, her erratic flight path drawing chuckles from Buck as he watched her go. Buckshot faced the tower. It loomed over him, but in the afternoon sun, it provided some welcome shade. He bounded up the front stoop in a single jump and set the bag of muffins down before the door. Anxiously, he adjusted his hat and bandanna. First impressions never had been his forté. Righto, here goes nothin'. He lifted the large steel knocker and hit it against the door three times. A shuffling noise came from the house and a muffled yell sounded forth from the second floor. Buck could hear the sound of hooves on stairs as the resident neared the door. A bolt was unlatched. Then another. Then another. And another. Buck lost count of how many safety mechanisms this pony had on the other side of their door. He was beginning to have second thoughts when the door opened. "Allo. What can I do for you?" a soft, and strangely familiar voice issued forth. Buckshot took in the sight of the owner of the house. It was a unicorn of average size with a deep orangey-red coat, a short, very dark brown mane, green eyes with unusual gold rims around the pupil, and several rubber bands wrapped around his right front hoof. Buck could't help but shake the feeling that he'd seen this stallion before. The unicorn gasped, a look of fascination, horror, and complete befuddlement gleaming in his strange eyes once he had had a good look at Buck. The unicorn let out a faint sigh, and promptly collapsed to the ground in the doorway. Buck stepped foward to help the unconscous stallion, but froze when he noticed the unicorn's cutie mark, now in sight with it's owner lying on the ground. It looked like the paw of a monkey, dark black against the rusty coat of the unicorn. The paw had a wider palm, however, and the five fingers were somewhat thinner. The mark looked like some strange ape-creature had slapped it's owner's flank with a fiery strike. Recognition suddenly dawned in his head. There was only one pony Buckshot had ever known to have a mark like that. The unicorn's name was Rust. He, along with Buck, had been one of the three representatives at the Tournament of Champions from Ponyville. That had been one thousand years ago. And with that thought, he too, passed into a faint on the front stoop of the tower. Author: Wow. That was weird, huh? I felt like I needed to have a little fun with the story, all the sadness was really bumming me out. Anyway, if Rust's cutie mark doesnt make sense to you... Well... hold up your hand. All will be revealed in the next chapter, along with several bottles of vodka.