The Jerk
Chapter 15
"So wait, this creature-"
"Human."
"This... human just barged into a fully armed and Defended Changeling base, just to rescue this child?”
"Yup."
"Luna.... WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?" She winced at her sisters tone.
"I was helping him."
"I TOLD YOU TO STAY LOW! Don't draw attention to yourself, I said, but nooooo, you didn't listen."
"But Tia-"
"NO!" She barked at her younger sister. "You should have listened to me! Now look where you are! Stuck in a dungeon, awaiting god knows what from the Changelings, and all of this because a SINGLE BEING decided to tell you to attack a Changeling base."
"But sister! He-"
"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!" She shouted and turned away from her sister and crossed her hooves against her chest.
"Sister please! Just hear me out!"
"NO! I don't want to hear it!" Still facing away from her younger sibling.
Luna let out a "GAH!" in frustration and stomped on the floor. "You can be so STUBBORN sometimes Celestia. A STUBBORN-" Celestia interrupted her.
"Don't say it." Once again facing her, and her barely visible face now glowing with rage. Luna smirked.
"A big, fat stubborn-"
"I'M WARNING YOU!"
"Mule."
"GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Celestia screamed and charged at Luna. Sibling rivalry had been sparked. "TAKE IT BACK!!"
"NEVER!" Luna shouted gleefully and ran around the cell, avoiding her sisters badly aimed attempts to strangle her sister.
"LUNA NOW!" She giggled some more.
"Nope!" And she began to trot around her in circles. "Celestia is just a big, stubborn mule!" She taunted. Celestia didn't respond well.
"I'LL KILL YOU!" She shouted and once again tried to tackle Luna and was rewarded with her face hitting the wall.
"You're really funny when you are mad Tia." Luna giggled again and covered her mouth with her hoof.
"Luna stop." She turned around at the sound of another voice and saw Heavy Shot on the far side of the room in his cell. Thanks to her night-vision, she didn't need worry about lighting.
"What is it Heavy Shot?" She asked with a hearty laugh at her sisters expense who was nursing a bruise on her snout. She mumbled something about how Luna was going to pay, but she didn't pay attention.
"You really shouldn't be teasing your sister."
"It's all in good fun Heavy Shot!" She said smirking and Celestia began to silently plot how to murder Luna in her sleep.
"But really? There has to be a limit somewhere."
"Awww, party pooper." She put on a mock frown.
"Luna really." He said. "Look at her, you have to draw the line at some point." Luna did look, and saw Celestia in the corner holding her hoof in her nose and crying.
Luna's heart cracked.
She went over to her sister and began talking. "Sister, I-I'm sorry. I really didn't mean-" As she put her legs around her crying sister, and Celestia smacked her hooves away and scooted to the other corner.
Her heart shattered.
"Ce-Celestia, I'm sorry."
She kept crying and Luna felt herself tearing up.
"P-please stop crying."
"GO AWAY!" Celestia shouted, and Luna fell to the ground and began crying. After about two seconds she heard something else. It wasn't crying though. It sounded a lot more like.... Laughing? She looked up through her tears to see Celestia laughing her ass off.
"YOU FELL FOR IT!!" She laughed some more. "YOU TOTALLY FELL FOR IT!" and she fell to the ground laughing so hard her sides hurt.
"W-what? What's going on?" Luna asked in confusion through her tears.
"I got you back! I totally got you back!" She fell back to the ground laughing.
"B-but you really were hurt!" She said, shaking her head.
"Nope! Even Heavy Shot was in on it, ask him." and she chuckled her way back to the wall. Luna looked across the cell to see Heavy Shot wearing a shit-eating grin on his face.
"Hello Luna! You really shouldn't tease your sister."
"B-but how?!" She blanched out. "How could you put it together?!" This time Celestia spoke up.
"I communicated with him telepathically and set it up once you started teasing me." She said, still working the chuckles out of her system. Luna's mind went blank for a few seconds and finally rebooted.
"You fuckers...."
"Sorry Luna what was that?" Asked Celestia, leaning over to her sister. "I couldn't hear you!"
"You two really are fuckers." She said, louder this time.
~~~~~~~
Really?
"What?!" I asked in confusion. "There's nothing wrong with 'Way Back Home'. Besides, a slow song makes me look like more of a badass."
No it doesn't man. You really need a lesson in being a badass.
"Well what the fuck am I supposed to play? It's not like there is any other music where I come from."
Just let me handle it. I got the perfect song for this.
"It better be good." I shook my head in defeat. I sighed. "What's this song called anyways?"
Strength Of a Thousand men. And an odd song began playing. Sounded like it was orchestral but, it had some sort of people vocalizing in the background. It sounded good. I liked it.
I began a slow walk forward, and reached the first entrance that was guarded by two Changelings.
“Hello fellas.” I said, with a malevolent grin. “Time to die!” A cheery tone, permeating my voice. I bet those freaks shit themselves. Maybe not actually.... doesn’t matter.
I walked up to the first one and grabbed his head and slammed him into the black wall, and his brains splattered everywhere. I turned around to find myself face to face with Orange Specter.
“Please don’t hurt me mister.” He begged.
“Nice try you fucker.” I kicked him as hard as I could and he slammed into the far wall, with a sickening crack/crunch combination of sound. He slid down the wall, leaving a trail of green slime. It was actually pretty comical.
I kept going with my nice slow walk, the music providing perfect badassery. I walked for a moment through pitch black hallways, only illuminated by my Pip-Boy, until the hallway branched off in two ways.
“Discord, which way am I going?”
Left.
I obeyed his direction and went that way to find a small door that looked like it belonged to the original castle that was fissured over by black spikes. I kicked the door open and there were several Changelings sitting in what looked like a guards’ barracks.
“HEEEERREEESSS JOHNNY!” I said with another evil grin on my face. They all got up and rushed me at once. I intercepted the attack of the first and when he tried to buck me, I grabbed his back legs and flung him at the wall like a slingshot. I turned around in time to barely dodge the attack of the second one, and the third had calculated my movements and bucked me into the wall. There was a loud clang, and I slumped to the floor.
“I’m....I’m sorry. I’ve failed you.” I said in a mock panting and failed tone. “Forgive me....” and I reached into my bag and pulled out a plasma grenade. I increased my panting.
“FORGIVE ME!” I shouted dramatically and pulled the pin while the Changelings looked upon my display in confusion.
“What’s wrong with hi-” And the Changeling never finished his sentence.
The grenade then detonated in a flash of neon-green light. My newly obtained armor protected me this time, and I sustained minimal damage. Except for my hand. My hand was burning like fuck.
“GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! FUCK FUCK FUCK!” I jumped up and began to shake it rapidly, swearing all the while. I ran over to a sink and doused my hand in cool water to find it was covered in plasma burns. If it wasn’t apparent already, the metal glove that used to inhabit my hand was gone.
“Damn man.”
Dude, you really have to stop detonating plasma explosives near you.
“Don’t worry. What’s the worst that could happen?” Suddenly, my Pip-Boy began to flash. I pondered what was going on, and I lifted it up to find I had a new perk. I lifted an eyebrow.
I scrolled down until I found the one I hadn’t had before.
Plasma Sponge: You have been exposed to so much plasma, that your body has naturally adapted to it! You are now less resistant to damage, but gain more proficiency with energy weapons. When not wearing heavy armor, your body emits a plasma-like substance when hurt, that deals out a steady area-of-effect burning on enemies and glows in the dark. You also take less damage from all energy sources! Applies the Burning Touch perk.
{-7 DT/DR
+15 to Energy Weapons
+30% to increased damage with Energy Weapons
(Below applies only if not wearing heavy armor)
- 20% Energy weapon damage done to player.
+Plasma pours out of the body when damaged, dealing steady AOE damage in a short range from the player. Glows in the dark.}
I scrolled down some more.
Burning Touch: Your unarmed attacks now do low level plasma damage on contact, and can burn through weak locks.
{+15 Plasma damage on completely unarmed attacks.
+Locks Average or below can be eroded over time with melee attacks.}
I was silent for a moment. Discord spoke up.
Are you okay man?
“Uhhh, yea. Yea, I guess I am. I got a couple of new perks I guess.”
Really? How did you get them?
“Uhhhh....” I hesitated. “Plasma overdose.”
You’re serious? He asked in a deadpan tone.
“Apparently...” I muttered. “Who would have guessed.”
Well I guess you know what that means?
“What’s that?”
…....I was right.
“Fuck you.” I stopped my long string of insults short as I felt a sneeze coming on. “Ah-Ah-AH-CHOO!” and I sneezed. I opened my eyes to see neon-green snot on the floor.
“WHAT THE FUCK!?” I shouted and backed away.
Dude. Your snot’s green.
“YES! I am AWARE of that.”
Dude....... That’s nasty.
“Well it’s not like I have a fucking choice!” I snapped at him.
Calm down man, I’m just saying.... That’s fucking nasty.
“Shut up.” I grumbled and left the room through a back door. There I found myself face to face with two chatting Changelings. They didn’t notice me so I just stood there.
“So, did you hear what happened to the Queen?”
“Just a little bit. That weird monkey thing almost beat her to death.”
“Are you kidding me? He did beat her to death. She only survived because of the bacteria virus.”
“Eh-HEM.” I finally cleared my throat. They turned to me in annoyance.
“What do you wa-” He stopped and took a moment to widen his eyes, rub them, and let them widen again when he saw me.
“I don’t appreciate being called a weird-monkey-thing.” I said in an annoyed tone.
“What the fuck is this thing?” Asked the second Changeling. I smirked.
“New guy?” I asked to the first, jerking my thumb at the second.
“Y-yes.” He stuttered nervously.
“Well newbie, you need a serious lesson in respect.”
“Who the fuck do you think you are?” He said, and shoved me a step back. I stopped myself from hitting him as hard as I could across the room. I was already losing my temper.
“Don’t. Fucking. Touch me. Ever.” I growled at him.
“Or what, asshole?” And he shoved me again. I could take the insults. Really I could, they were nothing. But no-one. I mean NO-ONE ever EVER, touches me.
I hit him as hard as I could down the hall, and even bounced a few times. He still had enough momentum that when he reached the end of the hall, he actually made a sizeable crunch noise. I turned to the other guy with a deadly expression on my face.
“Run. Run as fast as you can if you want to live.” He bolted away without another word. I turned and continued on.
Was that really necessary man?
“Yes. Yes it was.”
~~~~~~~~~
“I fucking hate you guys.”
“Aww come on Luna. don’t be a poor sport.”
“You really made me think I hurt you!”
“You did... You really hurt my feelings.” Celestia said, looking down a bit.
“I-I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to do that.”
“But you really did. I thought you meant it.”
“But I didn’t!” Luna replied, trying to cheer her sister up.
She sighed a deep sigh. “Can we please talk about something else.”
“Fine...So how are you?”
“Really Luna?” She deadpanned. “Really?”
“What?!”
“It’s nothing.” She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. Well I don’t know, the equivalent of pinching with a hoof.
“So do you come here often?”
“Just... Shut up.”
~~~~~~~~
“Which way?” I asked yet again, as I stood in front of about 10 hallways.
Hmmm... Second from the middle on the left.
I complied and walked in the direction he indicated and found myself in another room with four Changelings.
“Heya fella’s! How’s it going?” I said, and without missing a beat, they all jumped up and scrambled towards me. Except for the last one, he just sat at his table smoking something. I dodged the first one and delivered a nasty uppercut to the second, his head exploding on contact with my fist. I grabbed the last one and twisted his neck sharply. He fell to the floor, dead. I turned around and saw the one that I had dodged glaring at me.
“Something you want?” I asked in an annoyed tone.
“DIE!” He shouted and flew at me. I laughed for a moment and entered V.A.T.S. and the supercomputer in the Pip-Boy tapped into my nervous system and took over as I ducked under him, and my fist slammed into his stomach. He slowly curled into a ball, clutching his stomach in pain and I brought my palm across his face in a nasty bitch-slap. He comically spun in the air before crashing into the wall.
Finally, I turned to the one smoking at his table. “Sup’ dude?” I said with a nod of my head.
“Nothing.” He said waving his hoof at me nonchalantly.
“You really shouldn’t smoke.”
“Whatever man.” He waved me off and I shrugged and continued on my merry way.
You’re just going to let him go?
“He's going to die anyways.”
Good point. I walked for a while, passed something that looked a lot like a vending machine and came across a large, regal door that was tainted by black crust that had enveloped the castle. In front of the door were two Changelings leaning against the door playing cards.
“High security my ass.” The looked up at me and freaked out, and one of them levitated a spear at me.
“HALT! By order of Queen Chrysalis you are ordered to surrender and-”
“Shut up.” I said, pinching my nose. “Just... Shut up. I really am disappointed with you guys.”
They glanced at each other and looked back at me in confusion.
“E-excuse me?” Said the one with the spear.
“You heard me! I am seriously fucking disappointed. For gods sakes, that town in the valley down there had better security than this place. I mean, what the fuck?!”
“I-I’m not sure I follow.”
“Dear god.” I muttered under my breath and walked up to the first one. I grabbed his head and threw him at the other guard. “You guys should really just give up.” and I pushed at the door, to find it unlocked. There was nothing, except another long ass pointless hallway with another set of doors encrusted with jewels and the windows were depictions of ponies fighting things, and other events I assumed that were important. I looked back at the guards that were busy disentangling themselves from each other and I continued.
As I approached the second set of doors they finally figured it out, and ran up behind me and they both had spears now.
“HALT! NOW!” They said, trying to be intimidating.
“Guys, I have already given you a chance to leave. Now I am giving you another. That’s two more than most people get. Make sure you choose correctly.” The looked at eachother again Changeling one stepped forward and thrusted the spear at my chest. It clanged off of my armor without leaving a scratch and I glared at him. I took a step forward and brought my fist across his shocked face.
He coughed and spat out a tooth.
“Is that all you got?” He asked blearily.
“I gave it about a quarter power.” I deadpanned. “Now leave.”
“No.” I punched him again, and he went flying into one of the windows and cracked the glass, destroying the priceless art that it once displayed. I looked at the other. He ran. I turned around and continued my journey across the hall and once I got to the doors and I found they were locked.
“You know how to open this door Discord?”
Only Celestia can open it.
“Bullshit. Anything can be opened with enough force. By the look of it, these doors are pure gold, and gold is a pretty weak material.”
Whatever you say man.
I took out my power fist, and brought my arm back, going as far as I could, and slammed it into the door as hard as I could, and the attack left me stumbling for a second. I got up and surveyed my handiwork. There was a sizeable dent in the door, about the size of a soccer ball.
“See?”
Yea, yea. Don’t do rubbing it in.
“Why not?” I teased. “I was right.” He didn’t give a response and I shrugged and slugged the door again with less force. The dent widened and I began to relentlessly hammer on it, to which the door responded by allowing the dent to widen. I backed up a bit and looked over the door again. I was almost through the door, but that would only be a small hole. I activated the modded V.A.T.S. function on my Pip-boy and scanned the door.
What I found surprised me. The door had hinges. Very small ones that I couldn’t see, but they were all along the sides of each door. I got closer again, and saw them for myself. There were indeed many small hinges holding the door to the wall. There were so many, that were so close together that they almost looked like one single attachment to the wall.
I punched the side of the door, hitting a bit of rock in the process, and when I pulled the power gauntlet away, a few of the things fell to the ground. I repeated the process all along the edge and the door was swaying. I noticed it and I grabbed the edge near the bottom and pulled, snapping the remaining few hinges. The whole thing came down on top of me and I barely had time to swear.
“Fuck me.” And I was crushed into the ground.