Prompt: Two ponies go into a bar. One gets extremely drunk.
(The other only gets kinda drunk)
Canterlot Castle, Equestria, Present Day
Celestia moaned, barely managing to raise an exhaustion-weighted hoof to rub her horribly aching head. Her mane splayed limp and dull over the bed’s pillows, looking much the same way she felt. Tired, achy, and nauseous, with a headache to rival the pounding of an orchestra composed entirely of timpanis.
Turning her thumping head to the side, she saw Luna spread-eagled on the floor of the Sun Princesses’ bedroom, still snoring gently. Normally such a thing would be considered highly unconventional, but then again, whatever had transpired last night had obviously been highly unconventional as well.
What did happen last night? Celestia asked herself, coughing and barely managing to fight down a wave of nausea. She glanced around the cool darkness of the room, trying to find any clues as to she and her sister had done...
Wait, she thought, the realization hitting her like a bolt from the heavens. Cool darkness? She turned towards the window, gasping as she saw the night sky outside. It was probably around three a.m, judging from the position of the moon, and Gods only knew how long it had been that way. Groaning in pain and frustration, Celestia immediately attempted to shove herself up from the bed...
...And promptly collapsed right back down again as her headache intensified to the point where her entire existence was nothing but bright, blinding pain. She coughed, blinking tears out of her eyes, and rolled back over away from the window. I’m not even in a fit state to walk, she thought, let alone raise the sun for the morning. She sighed resignedly. I suppose Equestria will simply have to sleep in today.
And with that thought, she realized exactly what was ailing her. The thought was outlandish, almost comical, but it was the only proper explanation, short of drugging or an assassination attempt, both of which would have probably been met with considerably more hullabaloo.
No, there was no denying it.
Celestia, Princess of the Sun, Monarch of the Day and Royal Guardian of All of Equestria, was hungover.
Stout’s Keg Hall, Manehatten, Three Hours Prior
“ALL SHALL BOW BEFORE ME OR DESPAIR!” a dusky-blue unicorn mare shouted, the sheer volume of the words rattling the tavern’s darkened windows. The bar’s few remaining patrons winced, covering their ears and dropping to the floor to avoid any stray pieces of furniture. The alehouse was in shambles. Broken glass and spilled drinks covered the floor, stools lay upturned, and most of the tables were broken and splintered against the adjacent wall. In the center of the ruin, the mare stood atop the pool table, continuing with her speech:
“I AM THE DARKNESS THAT STALKS THE HEARTS OF WICKED MORTALS, THE RECKONING OF THE NIGHT! THE SLAYER OF BADNESS! THE TERROR IN YOUR SALAD! THE... the...” The mare paused, looking contemplative, before suddenly convulsing and letting loose with an enormous burp. She appeared to find the expulsion utterly hilarious, and was soon rolling across the table’s velvet surface, caught a wave of uncontrollable giggles.
Across the room, a pearl-colored unicorn peeked up from behind the remains of a table and quickly joined the other mare’s laughter as she surveyed the destruction around her. “You... Lulu... you broke everything! We’re... we’re gonna be in sho musch trouble...” she gasped between giggles, swaying slightly as she navigated across the glass-covered no-pony’s-land that had once been the pub’s floor. Luna appeared to find the realization equally hilarious, and soon both mares were leaning against the pool table’s edge, laughing uncontrollably.
“Oh yeah?” countered Luna, still chortling. “Well, guess what? Nothing you say is true, ‘cuz you’re drunk!”
Celestia rolled her eyes. “Well, so are you!”
“Nu-uh!” Replied the other mare, sticking out her tongue. “You’re really drunk! I’m jus’... jus’... kinda drunk.” They stared at each other, each taking in the utter absurdity of the accusation, before resuming their respective giggling fits.
“Oh, ye think you’re funny, eh?!” A huge, burly stallion with a large mustache and a cutie mark of a mug of ale emerged from behind what once had been the bar’s counter. “Ye think yer so buckin’ clever, wreckin’ me bar like ‘twas a kiddie’s sandpile!” he roared. “Well, Ah’ve got news for ye, yes Ah do!” He gestured furiously to around him, a large vein throbbing in his thick neck. “Ye are gonna clean this up, all of it, right now, or ye are gonna feel the Wrath Of Stout like ‘twas never felt before!” He stomped over to the pair, breath streaming heavily from his nostrils, and folded his hooves. “Well?”
The two mare’s merriment subsided in the face of the chastisement. They glanced at each other, then back at the furious bartender, and then back at each other again. The silence was almost palpable.
Then Luna bopped Celestia on the nose, and they both promptly re-exploded into fits of laughter.
Stout roared, grabbing each mare by the scruff of their necks like they were nothing more than toys, and spun in place several times before letting loose, sending the pair rocketing out into the dark street like hammers from the shotputt.
“And Ah’m sending ye the bill!” Stout shouted, before slamming the door and retreating back inside what remained of his establishment. He didn’t know, of course, that both ponies had been knocked into blissful unconsciousness by their sudden rendezvous with a nearby wall, and were currently snoring peacefully, oblivious to all around them.
Stout’s Keg Hall, Four Hours Prior
“And then I said, ‘well, maybe if you weren’t such an idiot, I wouldn’t have to re-engineer the laws of nature so you can understand them!” a pearly-coated unicorn said, rolling her eyes. “Hey, can I drink another ha... I mean, have another drink?”
Her companion, a pegasus stallion with a dark blue mane, laughed and gave her an affectionate pat. “Sure. It’s on me.” He smiled. “You’re a really interesting mare, you know that... uh...” He gave an embarrassed blush as he realized he had forgotten his conversationalist name.
“Celeste!” the unicorn said, a little too loudly. “I’m Celeste!” For some reason, the mention of her name seemed to set something off, and she giggled again. It was a nice sound, pleasant and melodious, like bells. Soarin’ couldn’t help but think he had heard it somewhere else before, perhaps after a show.
The pegasus nodded. “Well, Celeste, it’s been great talking to you. You’re definitely one of the most... interesting... mares I’ve met,” he finished awkwardly, quickly adding, “not that that’s a bad thing or anything!”
Celeste paused, eyes narrowing as she appeared to process something the pegasus had said. Then, with a slow, sultry blink, she leaned closer to the stallion, her tail curling slowly around his torso like a viper. “You know...” she said, in a voice that was obviously trying to hit the tone of ‘alluring’ but instead fell several leagues off into ‘slightly confused and definitely intoxicated’, “I’m interesting in other ways too...”
Soarin’ felt his pulse quicken as he realized the mare’s intention, and his mind promptly initiated a short but vicious battle with another, more... sensitive region of his body.
Dad always said, he thought, sweating bullets as Celeste’s breath blew hot in his ear. Don’t stick it in the crazy, Soarin’. Never the crazy. But she was so beautiful, and interesting, and practically coming on to him already...
“Well?” She turned to him, running a hoof gently down his chest, and smiled that smile again. “What’ll it be, flyboy? Are you gonna come with me, or will I have to-”
Ah, dad was a boring ol’ coot anyway, Soarin’ thought with a mental kick to the ‘Logic and Rationality’ department of his brain. He smiled back, and then he was suddenly pulled up against Celeste’s soft coat in a long, hard, kiss that felt like it was draining the brain from his skull in the most pleasurable way possible. If this is crazy, he thought, with the few remaining neurons that weren’t in the process of being shorted, I could get used to it.
Manehatten Outskirts, Eight Hours Prior
“Are you sure this will work, Sister?” Luna glanced at Celestia nervously from behind her thick mirrored sunglasses, forehoof running up and down the length of her unfamiliar, stubby horn. “I understand your desire to connect with the subjects-”
“Civilians,” Celestia corrected, rolling her eyes. She too had taken the form of a young unicorn mare, but her coat was a pale pink, and her cutie mark a cup of tea. “And yes, I’m positive. It will be good for you, Luna. A night out on the town, seeing the sights, interacting with other, normal ponies like on of them...”
She glanced out at the Manehatten skyline, already glittering in the sun’s last light, and smiled.
“Besides. We’re still goddesses. What’s the worst that could happen?”