Even being a stallion now, the one thing I could say I still had was my emotions.
I probably cried once in my life before I transitioned, and I didn’t feel like going back to being a stone faced ogre anytime soon. It was nice to cry, especially in a time like right now, when my mental health went further down the drain day by day. I was glad I still had the ability, but worried about what I might do should I lose my emotions. Nothing good, likely.
It didn’t snow nearly as much as I expected. I thought I would wake up with a foot of the stuff covering me, and was thankful that it was only a couple of inches. It somehow got colder though, my body heat barely enough to keep my bag decently warm. I wanted to stay huddled in here all day, but I forced myself out. Out into the cold again it was for me.
It was the early morning when I woke up. The wind was thankfully no longer blowing, but it was still cold. I hoped though that it would warm up with the sun rising. It once again only took a few minutes before it was high in the sky, shining down on me, demanding I wake up as it’s light shone in my eyes.
This is so depressing, doing the same thing day after day, I thought as I laid in my sleeping bag, gathering the will to get up and head out. I wish there was someone here with me…
I had wash over me an intense feeling of needing company. I knew I just left Rusty Bucket yesterday, but being out here was unbearably lonely. Not to mention, it did nothing to help distract myself from the intensity of my dysphoria. I wanted someone to walk with and talk to, anyone, and wished my friends would get here soon. I hoped that they’d be able to figure out what happened to me just from the screenshots of me and Lord Zulu’s conversation.
Please, I asked. Please, just let someone come here. Anyone. Please…
Okay, that was enough of that. I could feel sorry for myself while I walked, not while I was still laying in this bag. I didn’t want to risk curling up and crying myself back to sleep, which was a distinct possibility if I didn’t get up now.
I got out and brushed the snow off my flattened tent before rolling it and my sleeping bag up with my teeth, a task that took longer than most ponies would take. As I worked though, I could feel the air warming up, thankfully, getting in a few minutes up to something that resembled a morning in early spring. It was a nice change of pace to say the least, and made me feel better.
Food and water before I headed out made me feel better, too. Bread and cheese weren’t much, but it was certainly better than nothing, and better than some other things I could’ve been eating. Not being hungry made me feel better anyway, and at this point, I could use every ounce of mental strength I could get.
I somehow found a way to tie all of my stuff to my back, and then set out again. It was just as boring today as it was yesterday, except considerably warmer now, which was an amazing change of pace. It made it that much easier to stay motivated and keep dreams of the end goal in my head.
Even given my current bodily ailments and poor location, I was still a unicorn in Equestria. That part was something to keep in my head. Sure, things were bad now, but so was a house that was a fixer upper. A little reconstruction, maybe some cleaning up of the neighborhood, and all of a sudden, you were in a great home in a nice spot, something you could be satisfied with for years to come. Sure, the house I lived in gave me almost physical pain to be in, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t be fixed to be the home of my dreams. Maybe it could be something even better. If I could have children of my own in Equestria after I fixed myself… well, I didn’t know if I would say it was worth it, but it’d be as damn close to worth it as this situation would allow.
I wondered if my mental health was going to last that long, because everything about this was just dreadful. It would’ve been nicer to be made into a mare at the top of that mountain. Or better yet, just be born as myself the day my mother had me instead of having to face this.
I grunted at that thought as I continued forward, focusing on where the dot of green I saw on the top of the mountain should’ve been. It disappeared when I got off the mountain, but I assumed that was because I could see farther up there, and expected it to show up at some point down here. That green dot would be the Crystal Forest, which meant I was that much closer to the Crystal Empire and Twilight Sparkle… err, a way to get into contact with her anyway.
I was still worried about Cadance and Shining Armor. I hadn’t seen them yet, but just from the way Luna acted and hearing that they were sticklers for the law, I was nervous about how difficult this would be. Luna basically told me to my face that she wasn’t helping me because I wasn’t an Equestrian citizen. For that matter, I wondered how the rest of my friends would be treated if they all came here, too. I got the feeling it wouldn’t be as easy as just getting here to actually be able to live in Equestria.
But that was a concern for later. For now, all I could do was keep walking into the great wide open and hope my scenery would change soon.
It didn’t change that day, and before I knew it, I was forced to stop again for the night. As warm as it had been that day, probably in the fifties I would say, the temperature quickly dropped back off into the teens that I’d been dealing with. It was going to be another cold night that I had to deal with after a boring day of walking. I still didn’t see that dot of green either, and it felt like I’d made next to no progress. The only thing that confirmed I was indeed getting somewhere was the mountains to my back fading further into the distance. If I didn’t have that little sign, it would’ve been hard to convince myself I was doing the right thing.
“This is fucking bullshit,” I complained to no one as I tried to set up my tent again with my teeth, this time without snow and wind to hurry me along. “Out here all alone with no sign that I’m even doing anything in a body that makes me want to die. Somebody kill me already… or let me kill Lord Zulu. I’m gonna punch him in the throat if I see him, I swear to God.”
Even given everything, my being in the middle of nowhere and my declining mental health, I felt like I was managing better than most people would’ve. I remembered there were days as a teenager where I stayed curled up in bed and did nothing but cry the whole day because I felt so bad. I hadn’t gotten to that yet, so that was something.
Not to mention, I was getting good exercise, something I thought this stallion needed. My legs might have wanted to kill me, but it was a good thing anyway. I didn’t mind being chubby, but I hated the huskiness this body seemed to have. If I could lose weight and stop my shoulders from being so wide, I would feel that much better.
I once again did nothing but struggle as I tried to assemble this tent. I eventually gave up and screamed in frustration as I angrily sat on top of the thing. I really wished Shorey was here with me. They were the smartest person I knew, and could probably figure out how to use their magic and hoof grip to assemble this thing. Hell, they’d probably be able to assemble it with their teeth, I had that much confidence in them. Out of everyone in our group chat, I could probably say I wanted them with me the most.
I sighed to myself as I got back up and futilely tried to get this thing put up, not wanting to sleep on the ground again. For lack of better phrasing, I was in love with them. Or, at least, extremely attracted to them.
I said as much to them before though, more than once, being told afterward that they didn’t reciprocate my feelings. Or, well, more vaguely, that they weren’t looking for online dating. I couldn’t say I exactly knew how they felt about me, beyond them thinking of me as a good friend at least, one of the few things I didn’t know about them. I knew the potential for something was there, I could feel it, but whether it would happen, the answer was probably not. Shorey, unfortunately, looked for things that I could not provide, namely a family.
If they came to Equestria in the form I expected them to be in, I could absolutely give them what they wanted. Not that I would ever enjoy doing such a thing in the body I was in right now. I knew from experience that I’d rather hack up my lunch than have sex as a man. I wasn’t even sure Shorey would like it either, since she was probably the biggest lesbian I knew. What a loveless relationship that would be.
I waited until my ears were numb before I decided that it wasn’t getting put up tonight either. I cursed loudly as I crawled into the thing the same way I did last night, knowing I’d have to do this for several more days until I got to the Crystal Empire, a thought that made me want to scream. Absolutely nothing about this situation made me happy, made even more frustrating that there was nothing I could do about it.
I woke up early again the next day and didn’t waste time gathering my things and heading out. It was just as warm today as it was yesterday, which I continued to appreciate, but I didn’t think it would change how cold the night was. It was just going to be something I was always forced to deal with while I was out here.
I started off again, still working on voice training as I took in the unending flat, snowy landscape. That was something else, too. At least on the mountain, there was some variety to keep me sane while I walked. Out here it was just an eternal snowy nothingness, one that was driving me crazy. It made me antsy to get somewhere and did nothing to help my awful mental state.
My legs and back were hurting more today than they did before, noticeable enough that it was firmly in the back of my mind. Doing nothing but sleeping on the ground and walking all day was not fun, not that I could do anything about it other than keep walking. I was going to be ripped by the time I got to the Crystal Empire. Ripped and have back problems as well.
I shuddered at that thought. I had to push the thought of being a bulked up stallion out of my head. I was not going to be that, not at all. I would help myself to avoid that fate. I was already terrible looking enough as it was.
I tried to work on my magic while I walked and voiced trained. I wished that I had asked Rusty Bucket about it, but I wasn’t going to turn around now to talk to him. I just did my best to try and force it to work, a nearly impossible task since I didn’t know what I was doing. I looked up at the appendage sticking out of my forehead as though it would help, but nothing came. No light or aura, not even a spark. I was magically inept. Who would've guessed?
I must have been doing something though because a headache was starting to set in from all day spent trying to get it to work. Staring at the blinding white snow probably didn’t help much either. It was around sundown when I officially stopped because my head was just pounding too much.
This is useless, I thought angrily to myself. I’m never going to be able to get this. I don’t have magic, or a hoof grip, or any idea where I’m going other than forward…
How was I supposed to do all of this? I wasn’t built for this! I didn’t go hiking or climb mountains or face hardships in real life. Not like this anyway. I was just a regular girl who went to work in an office and came home and talked to her friends and did nothing else. I was not made to do this.
And I’m not even myself anymore, I thought as the dysphoria started to kick in hard. I can’t live like this. I’m going to die out here alone like this.
I started to weep as I flopped directly into the snow, thinking about Lord Zulu’s words in my dream. Enjoy your future as the stallion you were born to be. I curled up in the snow at that thought. There was no way I could possibly have been born to be this. It just felt too awful. How anyone could stand it at all was beyond me. But maybe that spellcaster was right, since all but the last few years of my life was spent being this wretched thing.
I wasn’t born to be a stallion, I cried. I wasn’t meant to be this. I can’t live like this again. I just can’t do it.
I was on the verge of a breakdown, one that I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to pull myself out of, when out of the corner of my eye I saw a white hot flash of light.