I could only stare at the page.
All of them were as alien to me as the constellations painted upon Luna’s ceiling, but I couldn’t deny the facts.
I wrote these.
No matter how many times I frantically re-read over the lines, I couldn’t fill in the apparent gaps in my memory. It wasn’t even that I was suppressing them; I had enough of those that I stashed away like a box of Christmas decorations during the summer. It was only after I carefully organized them into a semi-coherent timeline that it struck me.
Was Luna erasing my memories?
It was something that I had never considered, even with my constant refusals of her offers to stop the nightmares. I was foolish to think that my consent was enough to stop her from tampering with my mind.
I carefully combed through my paper trail with as much focus as my sleep-deprived brain could muster.
There were at least two possible “beginning” instances, which lent credence to my theory. Things after that became more muddled, which also painted a rather dark picture in my mind as the thoughts and ramblings that I committed to each page seemed to repeat themselves.
Everything from the ghostly visages of my family haunting my dreams to the fears of me forgetting their voices frightened me to no end, but the idea of being subjected to this recursive torture was terrifying.
The worst part was knowing that I had no way to stop this.
Her power was limitless, and I was no David.
I could not slay this Goliath.
I brought a shaking hand to my forehead and let out a quiet whimper.
Luna would not let me remember any of this. As soon as she marched through that door, I’d be a naive fool once more that clung to her every word. I would stay in my room like a good little pet and patiently wait for a family reunion that would never come. At some point, a voice inside my head would scream at me.
It would point out and pick at Luna’s web of lies until it collapsed under its weight, and I would be back here, writing out my epitaph with the hope that some future me would stumble upon it-
-Only for the cycle to repeat once more.
There is a way out.
A blanket of warmth enveloped me as I turned my head to stare at the window.
A few strikes from a chair or one of the substantially thick volumes scattered around would crack the glass like an egg, but I was hesitant at the idea.
I was deathly afraid of heights. Everything from roller coasters to the slippery wooden stairs in my parent's basement always caused my breathing to hitch while everything around me crawled to a standstill. It was an irrational fear, but the idea of losing balance while having that weightless feeling crawl into my gut was enough to dissuade me from many outdoor activities.
Ever so slowly, I crept over to the windowpane, ignoring my broken reflection all the while.
But as I tried to refocus my vision to see past the glass, the blinding shine from the moonlight stopped me, forcing a hand to come up and shield my eyes.
Just close your eyes and take a deep breath.
“It can’t be this simple.” I touched my free hand against the cool glass and felt my fingers tingle with numbness. Luna was going to rip the rug from underneath me. I knew she could, and right now? She didn’t have a reason not to.
Perhaps it was the result of Luna moving the goalposts so many times already, or it was my own weakness, but I stepped away from the window.
The numbing frost chewing at my fingers subsided a few seconds later, allowing me to curl my fingers into a fist. I tried to breathe, but my breath turned into a shudder. It didn’t matter how many iterations I suffered through- or how many more Luna would subject me to.
I would never be able to make that choice.
I ignored the heat tugging at my back as the weight of my choice dawned upon me.
You know what will happen, don’t you? And unlike your grandfather, you won’t have post-it notes plastered around every surface to remind you about the people who love you!
“No,” I whimpered. “That- “
You will not survive this. The only difference is the method of execution.
“Stop this!” My tears evaporated before they could finish trickling down my face. I felt like I was boiling alive.
But you can take solace in the fact that there is another option. One to end the endless. Stop the inevitable.
I remembered the smell of fresh morning dew that wafted in through the window to the hospital room and the cramped, sterile white walls that made everything feel far too cramped for comfort. There was nothing there on that bed, even though the steady rise and fall of something's chest underneath the bedsheets suggested otherwise.
A pair of dull green eyes stared right through me.
I stared back and saw nothing more than a ghost.
…
He didn’t remember my name.
I felt something tug at the back of my sweat-stained shirt.
To be brave is to be afraid. You have already done more than most others could hope for in such a situation.
I tried to ignore the traitorous thoughts swimming through my mind, but it was a war of attrition that I was losing with each passing second.
But now it is time to rest. Let us put an end to this pointless-
I heard the unmistakable echo of hooves on stone in the hallway outside.
Hide.
I was suddenly cold again as I frantically swam past the ocean of books in a mad scramble to find a hiding spot.
The doorknob began to turn with a soft click-
-But something stopped it.
My heart skipped a beat as the knob began to twist again, only to become stuck in place as if someone was holding onto it firmly on my side of the room.
Without hesitation, I flung myself to the floor before crawling under Luna’s bed.
It was honestly like something I saw out of a movie once: A scared child steals their abusive parent's belt before hiding under a bed, and the parent hollers their name all the while. My ears rang as Luna acted out her role.
“Daniel! Open this door at once!!” Luna shouted. There was an undercurrent of concern and urgency that bled into every syllable. “I know you are in there!”
The vibrations from the doorframe shaking caused my bones to rattle, which did little to help me in my vain attempt to bottle up my fear and emotions.
“I do not have time to play games! You must come with me at once!” Luna spoke again, her voice sending shivers down my spine.
Why isn’t she just teleporting inside? I thought as her feverish attempts to break into her own room intensified. What’s stopping her?
Then as soon as it began, her attempts at breaching the door ceased, leaving a dead silence.
I remained still. Things were never this simple whenever Luna was involved, and I refused to get caught off guard. It was for this reason that I was able to temper my reaction to the eerie blue glow that engulfed the room.
Just stay calm. Breathe.
“I know not of the madness that has befallen you, Daniel,” Luna’s iron-shod hooves clip-clopped just a few feet away from the edge of the bed. “I have shown you naught but kindness and understanding, and this is how you repay us? With temper tantrums and mistrust?”
Burning. I was on fire. My teeth clamped down onto my chapped lips, and my skin felt like it was sunburnt.
“We will have words when this is all over, my child. But first,” Luna’s hooves moved towards the opposite wall from the window, and I could hear her magic open the door to the closet. “I must ensure that you are safe.”
“Ah…” Luna spoke with that same fucking motherly tone. “There is but one place left for you to hide.”
Warning bells sounded off in my skull, but I couldn’t do anything other than keep my eyes glued to Luna’s hooves as she began to march towards the bed.
What do I do? I can’t get out from under the bed and reach the door in time!
It was already too late.
She was at the edge of the bed.
Sunspots filled my suddenly blurred vision, and I thought my skin was going to peel off from the bone.
Do not move a muscle.
What?
“It is time for your folly to end,” a blue-furred muzzle poked underneath the bed, and I stared into her bright turquoise eyes with abject horror. “You- what?”
“What manner of sorcery is this? Daniel?” I winched at Luna’s surprised shout and then stared dumbfounded as Luna’s eyes darted around. It was almost as if she couldn’t see me directly in front of her.
What is going on?
I continued to stare back at Luna with wide eyes. The way her ears folded onto the sides of her head and twitched was more reminiscent of a puppy with separation anxiety than a powerful alicorn princess. It was an apt description of the princess' actions thus far, and the trembling of her lips and the glassy, glazed look forming in her eyes only further spurred a sense of pity out of me.
I was thankful that it was just a fleeting moment; The last thing I wanted was to develop any form of Stockholm Syndrome.
A few more tense moments passed before she pulled her head away from underneath the bed. Not a second later, Luna started to hyperventilate.
“Nay, I will not fail thee again!” Luna shrieked furiously. “I cannot!”
“DANIEL!” Her hooves slammed into the ground hard enough to spring the scattered books into the air and cause specks of dust to fall from the ceiling. It took all of my willpower not to scramble out from my hiding spot and flee.
I held my breath as my body suddenly turned cold, and my extremities tingled with numbness.
Come and find me.
…What?
BANG
My ears rang like church bells as wooden splinters showered the princess' room. The smell lagged behind by a second; It was reminiscent of one of the many bonfires my friends would invite me to during the long nights of the summer.
“DECEIVER! MISCREANT!” Luna slammed an iron-clad hoof onto the ground once again. “YOU WILL NOT TAKE HIM FROM ME!”
The air popped like Rice Krispies cereal in a bowl of milk, and Luna disappeared from view.
Then all hell broke loose.
If the last explosion was equivalent to a frag grenade going off, the aftereffects echoing off the walls in the hallways outside were nothing short of an artillery barrage. With each discordant boom, the castle shook on its foundation.
The curtains to Luna’s window tore loose from their holster and glided through the air like a leaf in a tornado. The haphazardly scattered books shot into the ceiling like a load of buckshot. The closet groaned in agony as its doors shot open- vomiting its varied and once neatly stacked articles of clothing and other assorted boxes onto the floor.
Then, nearly as soon as it started, the battle stopped.
Silence reigned.
It took me more time than I’d personally admit regaining my bearings.
The small space underneath Luna’s bed was the closest thing I had in ages to a safe zone; It stopped the irate alicorn from discovering me and protected me from her hate-fueled rampage. Squeezing out from underneath my small hidey-hole was nerve-wracking, but I forced myself out onto the floor before pushing myself up and onto my feet.
Having a goal in a stressful situation like this should have been extraordinarily helpful. It would have given me something to distract me from the cold reality of this situation. The keyword being “should”. The goal my unseen benefactor gave me was about as vague and unhelpful as my half-baked schemes.
The only difference between the two was my critical lack of agency. I had to seek out this warmth, or else I’d be completely defenseless.
I kicked a book into the crater that Luna stomped into the floor before sidestepping around it.
Just a few hours ago, Luna’s room was the picture that was paired alongside the definition of luxury in the dictionary. Now, however? The bedroom almost looked as bad as I felt, and it was far enough away from whatever shit went down outside in the hallway.
And you called my mess a temper tantrum, Luna?
Putting aside my empathy for a fucking bedroom, I tiptoed and hopscotched past piles of sprawled out clothes and useless knickknacks before stopping within reach of Luna’s closet. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t my greed that guided me through this trash heap instead of booking it for the exit, but it was perhaps one of the only good decisions I made in the past twelve hours.
It wasn’t a flashlight, but the idea of being able to provide my own source of light calmed my frayed nerves, and I gingerly plucked the offending golden chamberstick off the ground.
It was deceptively heavy for its size, and it probably could be used as an impromptu cudgel if the need arose, but that hardly mattered to me. I hopefully wouldn’t need to use this for anything other than its intended purpose.
A few minutes of sifting through the chaotic mess yielded another valuable find: sulfur head matches and a bottle of phosphorus. Sure, they weren’t nearly as convenient as friction-based ones, but I couldn’t afford to complain.
I carefully rubbed a match head into the phosphorus mixture, rubbed it on top of the cork stopper, and lit a candle. The smell of the first bloom on a garden of flowers wrapped around me, and I took a moment to close my eyes and breathe.
Long, grueling hours sitting in a cramped cubicle and all of the responsibilities I needed to balance on my shoulders had left me with far too little free time. And with my dwindling free time, I found my sense of creativity and wonder dulling with it.
Before this, before everything that Luna has done to me… when was the last time I truly lived?
I frowned. I couldn’t remember. It was like trying to solve a puzzle with missing a third of the pieces. It wasn’t just about trying to prove a negative. There was nothing there but gaps.
I fail to prove a negative and instead behold absence.
My thoughts froze.
How much else did I forget? What else has that witch stolen from me?
I swallowed, and an excessive flood of saliva scratched at a lump in my throat. The other puzzle pieces had their colors faded into shades of grey. I could remember the bare white walls of my apartment, a few lines in the lyrics to Don’t Fear the Reaper, and the perfect blend of sugary sweetness from a slice of apple pie I had bought from the local bakery prior to my kidnapping, but I knew that there was more.
There had to be more than just random footnotes in my memories. Where were the happy memories? The birthday parties? The vacations? The slow memories where I didn’t realize I was living the good times until I looked back upon them in retrospect?
Where-
I subconsciously reached for an albuterol inhaler in my pocket that didn’t exist as a short bout of wheezing clawed me back down into reality.
No. It’s time to focus.
My breathing slowed, and I tried to keep it as even as possible despite my sudden asthma attack. A few repetitions later, I was able to get my lungs in control long enough to wade through the mess in Luna’s room and approach the doorway.
With all the hesitancy of terrified prey emerging from their hiding spot, I poked my head out into the hallway. I swiveled my gaze around, desperately searching for any uncertain movements lurking in the darkness. Several heart-pounding moments later, I sighed a breath of relief and extended my arm, letting the light from the candlelight spill into the hallway like a can of spilled paint.
I was not able to get a good look at where I was going before I got locked into the bedroom, but there was no denying that the holes that perforated the purple-colored walls were recent additions.
But that wasn’t the thing that drew my attention. No, it was the black smears and blots that coated them. They more closely resembled bloodstains, and I resisted the urge to puke once more as the familiar terrible stench overpowered the candle’s gentle springtime scent and sucker-punched my sense of smell.