//------------------------------// // Ace Ventura: UPS // Story: Cinematic Adventures: Ace Ventura Pet Detective // by extremeenigma02 //------------------------------// Intense heat radiated across the landscape of Miami, Florida as the sun shined down upon the city. In a dirty back alley, between two apartment buildings, the crystal portal opened allowing the Mane Six and Spike to exit. Soon as the ponies and their dragon companion stepped through the other side of the portal, they looked around their surroundings noting all the dirty and garbage-littered alleyway they stood upon. Not only that, but they also noticed they once more assumed their human forms. “Huh… guess this adventure called for us to be human again,” Spike commented. “I know…” Pinkie replied. “The fans must ‘really’ love seeing us as humans.” “Oh sweet Celestia!” Rarity cringed at the garbage. “Disgusting! Honestly, couldn’t the portal have sent us anywhere else? Like the spa or something?” “Pfft! Typical…” Rarity groaned. “Where in the Sam Hill we done end up in this time?” Applejack asked. “I have no idea,” Twilight responded. “But the sooner we find this ‘Phantom Dragon’, the better.” All of a sudden, a nearby dumpster began thumping around quite loudly which caused everyone to jump. Turning toward the dumpster, all eyes went wide when a most unusual figure popped right out like a jack in the box. The figure in question turned out to be a man wearing a dark brown mailman’s uniform. The man leapt from the dumpster, wiping himself off of any loose trash. He started patting himself down as though looking for something when a look of realization spread across his face. Reaching down into the dumpster, he pulled out a cardboard box. “There you are!” He smirked. He soon proceeded to do something of which the entire group thought was very… strange. He began to bang the box against the dumpster a few times, and they could very clearly hear what sounded like glass breaking inside. Finally, he stopped and turned to leave before he froze. His eyes met those of the Equestria Girls and Spike themselves. For a few moments, they just looked at one another before the delivery man’s confusion shifted to a more goofy look. “Why hello there!” He greeted them. “I don’t believe we’ve ever met. Not every day I run into young ladies… or men… with the weirdest pigmentations on their skin.” It took a moment before ‘any’ of the girls could find their voices to respond. “Um… no, you would be right sir,” Twilight responded. “We have ‘never’ met before. My friends and I actually just arrived here and we’re looking for someone.” “Well, isn’t that quite the coincidence?” The man smiled. “I happen to be looking for someone too. Perhaps you might have seen him? Little guy with white hair, walks on all fours, likes to sniff his own butt?” The girls and Spike glanced at each other for a moment, clearly confused, before facing the man again. “I beg your pardon sir?” Twilight asked, confused. The man reached into the pocket of his uniform, procuring a piece of paper which he handed to them. Twilight took it first, and she (along with the others) studied it just to see it was a poster of a little dog. Being the animal lover she was, Fluttershy was the one to faun over the dog the most. “Aww what a little cutie!” She smiled. “Yes he is! And I’m currently on the case to find him,” The man informed. “I managed to track his location to an apartment building not far from here.” “So what does this have to do with you dressing like a mailman and smashing around a box?” Spike asked curiously. “All part of my disguise,” The man responded. “Oh, but where are my manners? I haven’t even introduced myself yet. The name’s ‘Pet Detective’… hmm, Ace Ventura. Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.” He dropped the box from his hands, and it crashed to the ground again. Paying no heed, he stuck out his hand to them and Pinkie was the first to eagerly shake his hand. “It’s super-duper nice to meet you Mr. Pet Detective!” She greeted. “My name’s Pinkie Pie, and these are my friends: Twilight, Rainbow, Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Spike.” “The pleasure’s all mine,” Ace responded. One by one, they all shook Ace’s hand and he picked up his package once again. “Now I really hate to cut and run but I’ve work to do,” He said. “And if you’re ever in need of tracking any missing pets…” He slipped a hand into his pocket and procured a business card, of which had a symbol of what was meant to be his face over a badge. The words ‘Ace Venture: Pet Detective’ in bold letters. And at the bottom of the card was the official motto of the business, ‘To serve and protect… your pets!’. il_794xN.2265568787_n96a.jpg (794×1059) (etsystatic.com) "Here's my card," He offered. Ace proceeded to hand the business card to Twilight Sparkle, who took it delicately by hand. Just as began to walk away from the group he stopped abruptly once more and turned back. “You said you were looking for someone, right?” He asked. “That’s right Sugarcube,” Applejack nodded. Ace quickly walked back toward them, as an imaginary lightbulb went off in his head. “Perhaps we can help each other out,” He offered. “See… I don’t work with people often. But I happen to have connections with the police department in Miami and they just might be able to help you find your missing ‘person’.” Rainbow narrowed her eyes with curiosity upon her face. “What’s the catch?” She asked. “Simple!” Ace responded. “You kids help me find this dog and I’ll bring you to the police station. What do you say?” The girls Spike thought about it for a moment. If this guy truly had connections with the law enforcement of this area, he might be their ticket in finding Phantom Dragon’s whereabouts. The problem was that they didn’t really know this man all too well and had no real idea if they could trust him. Then again, they didn’t exactly have many other options. Ultimately, the decision wasn’t all too difficult. “Alright Ace,” Twilight spoke. “You take us to the police and help find our mission companion, you have yourself a deal.” She stuck her hand out and Ace gladly shook on their accord. “Wonderful!” Ace replied. “Let’s get this show on the road.” Soon Ace turned heel and made his way down the alley with the Mane Six and Spike following close behind. They hadn’t the Earthly idea what exactly they had just gotten themselves into. But one thing was utterly certain… “This guy’s an absolute nut!” Spike remarked. “Tell me about it…” Pinkie Pie agreed. “… Huh, where’ve I’ve seen this guy before?” <> A short while later, Ace Ventura strolled down the streets of Miami with the package in hand. As he walked, for some reason he kept smashing the package into anything he could find along the way. Even performing a cartwheel with it still in hand… because he could. As if that weren’t enough, he now had a few ‘assistants’ on the job trailing behind him. The Mane Six and Spike followed closely behind Ace, going down every step he took down the street. They noticed a bunch of people staring in bewilderment over Ace’s antics. The eccentric man kept smashing the package against nearly everything and anything. “Okay seriously, what’s this guy on?” Spike asked. “Now Spike, I’m sure he’s quite normal,” Rarity assured him. “I mean sure the man seems a bit… eccentric. But he seems alright.” “If by ‘alright’ you mean incredibly cuckoo in the head,” Rainbow snickered. “Oh yeah, he’s right as rain.” “Come on now Rainbow,” Twilight spoke up. “He’s our only lead on finding Phantom Dragon.” “If that’s true, boy we are in trouble.” Ace kept his pace down the street, dodging a couple of folk as though playing basketball. He raced up the front steps of a building, reached out to open the front door… and inadvertently flung the package behind him, sending it straight back down the steps. He goes back to retrieve the package, shook it a few times, then proceeded to enter the building. Inside the building, several people stood in the elevator. Ace and the Equestrians squeezed into the elevator as best they could, waiting for the doors to close. Soon the doors started to shut… and smash into the package Ace held in front of him at least ‘three’ times before he finally pulled it back in, feigning embarrassment. The girls, minus Pinkie Pie, shook their heads and Spike slapped a hand on his forehead so hard it left a big red hand mark. Eventually, they made it up to the floor they needed to be on and soon as the doors opened, Ace hurled the package down the hall. Soon as the group departed off the elevator, Ace started kicking the package around like a soccer ball as he turned back toward the group. “Ventura looks for an opening to pass the ball to his teammates!” Ace spoke like a broadcaster. Deciding to get in on the fun, Pinkie Pie jumped in and waved her arms in the air. “I’m open!” She yelled. “I’m open! I’m open!” Ace passed the package to her, and the girl started kicking it about back and forth. Soon the pair were passing it toward one another as though playing a real game. “They’re looking to score big on this one!” Ace broadcasted. “One big kick could win the game for Miami. All they need is one good kick.” They froze and turned back toward the rest of the group, particularly toward Rainbow Dash. “Come on Rainbow, give it a good hard kick!” Pinkie encouraged. “No way Pinkie!” Rainbow shook her head. “I’m not getting involved in this craziness.” “Come on… you know you want to,” Pinkie tempted. “It’s down to the final two seconds and we need a game winning goal!” Rainbow looked back and forth between Pinkie and Ave. A little smirk and an eye roll later… “Eh, why not?” Rainbow backed up and got ready as Ace smirked and pointed down the hall. “We’re goin’ downtown!” He announced. Rainbow then ran and gave the package a hard kick that made it fly all the way down the hall… and actually landed at the apartment they needed to get to. “She shoots, she scores!” Rainbow yelled. “And Rainbow Dash scores at the last second for the win!” Pinkie cheered. “Unbelievable!” The group soon made their way down the hall to the apartment, as Ace picked up the package and knocked on the door. The sound of dog barking could be heard as well as a gruff man’s voice. “Shut the hell up, you stupid mutt!” An angry, burly man whipped the door wide open and snarled at Ace. Some of the girls were taken aback by the man’s intimidating presence… particularly a ‘sensitive’ pink-haired animal lover. “What do you want?” The man asked. “U.P.S., sir,” Ace greeted. “And how are you this afternoon? Alrighty then! I have a package for you.” Ace thrust the package toward the man, who took it and could clearly hear the smashed bits inside. “It sounds broken,” The man said. “Most likely sir!” Ace nodded. “I bet it was something nice though!” The man looked behind Ace, noticing the girls and Spike who all just smiled awkwardly. “Who the hell are they?” The man asked. “New recruits, sir,” Ace responded. The man looked at them again, and they quickly decide to play along. “That’s right, sir!” Twilight responded. “We’re here to offer you the best delivery service possible!” “At U.P.S., you can always count on us to provide…” “Shut up!” The man snipped. Everyone stopped talking as Ace then procured a few forms from his uniform. “Now… I have an insurance form,” He informed the man. “If you’ll just sign here, here, and here, and initial here, and print your name here, we’ll get the rest of the forms out to you as soon as we can.” The man begrudgingly began filling out the form, as a small Shih tzu dog came to the door. The little dog wagged his tail and whined toward the group. Ace, as did the Equestrians, looked down toward the little creature. “That’s a lovely dog you have,” Ace commented. “Do you mind if I pet him, sir?” “I don’t give a rat’s ass.” Ace bent down and spoke to the dog in a really ‘sucky’ pet talk. Fluttershy too knelt down to pet the dog along his head. “Oh, aren’t you just the sweetest little one?” She smiled. “Yes you are! Yes you are!” The little dog started to lick her hand, which made the girl giggle. Ace then tapped her shoulder and she looked up to see him gesturing for her to take the dog and run. Fluttershy nodded and snatched up the dog quickly, then she and the rest of the Equestrians made their way down the hall while the burly man was preoccupied with filling out the forms. Eventually, Ace popped right back up and grabbed the forms from the man. “That’s fine sir,” He said. “I can fill out the rest. You just have yourself a good day. Take care, now! ‘Bye ‘bye, then!” Ace moved swiftly down the hall and into the stairwell to join the rest of the group. The gruff man took his package back into the apartment, tossed it down, and sat in front of the T.V. As he sat back watching a program, he looked over and noticed the dog still sitting… still looking toward the door. “Get away from the door!” He ordered. But the dog doesn’t budge. This was really started to piss him off. Getting up from his chair, he reached for the dog. “What’s the matter with you? I said GIT!!!” He roughly picked up the dog by the scruff of the neck, but as he turned around… he realized he was holding a ‘stuffed’ dog. Around its neck was a business card which read, ‘You have been had by Ace Ventura – Pet Detective.’ This ‘really’ angered the man as he slammed the fake dog down. “Son of a bitch!” <> Ace burst out the front door of the apartment building where the rest of the group stood waiting. They quickly made a head start down the street rather quickly, every so often looking over their shoulders. “You really think that was the best course of action?” Twilight asked fearfully. “That man didn’t seem like the friendliest folk right off the bat! We basically just ‘stole’ that dog from him.” “But we had to do it Twilight,” Fluttershy told her. “The poor little dear was being abused back there. He told me himself.” “Right now, let’s just focus on getting out of here before that lunatic comes looking for us!” Rainbow said urgently. “Ah hear ya there Sugarcube,” Applejack agreed. As they hurried off, Fluttershy handed the dog off to Ace. “That was a close one, ladies and gentlemen,” Ace said. “Unfortunately, in every contest, there must be… A LOOSER! LOOHOOSERRRHERRR!” Eventually, they rounded the corner into another alleyway where Ace’s car, an old beat up Chevy, was waiting for them. Ace climbed in first, lowering the seat to the backseat. “Hop in ladies and gentlemen!” He ushered them in. The Mane Six and Spike did their best to squeeze into the back seat, which was quite difficult seeing how small the car truly was. They were as tightly compacted together as they could get. “You know, this isn’t exactly what I expected would happy on this journey,” Spike wheezed out. “Don’t worry Spike,” Twilight assured. “I got this!” Twilight, making sure Ace wasn’t looking, waved her hand and soon the interior of the car seemed to expand a bit, so the group weren’t so tightly squeezed together for long. “Ahh… that’s better!” Spike sighed. “Personally, I didn’t mind being that close!” Rainbow smirked toward Applejack. Up front, Ace seated the dog in the passenger seat next to him. “Hungry fella?” He asked. The dog gave a small whimper of confirmation and Ace pulled open the car’s ashtray, and to the dog’s delight, it was filled with puppy chow. While the dog started eating, Ace tried starting the engine… unfortunately it wasn’t working. “Everything alright Ace?” Rainbow asked. “No problem, it gets flooded,” Ace responded. “We’ll just wait a few seconds.” *SMASH!!!* No sooner he said that did the burly man show up and smashed his windshield with a baseball bat. The girls and Spike jumped from the sudden attack and the dog began barking wildly. “START THE CAR NOW!!!” Fluttershy yelled in fear. “Right! We could try it now,” Ace agreed. Ace frantically tried starting the car, as the burly man kept beating the living hell out of the car. “Ooh… boy!” Rarity shook. “This really isn’t what I planned to do today!” Spike shouted. Ace kept trying to start the car as he looked into the rear view side mirror at his attacker. “Warning! Assholes are closer than they appear!” The burly man smashed the side mirror as the dog barked insanely. “Ace, hurry up and start the car!” Applejack yelled. “You think you can do better?!” Ace yelled back. The baseball bat was now pummeling the hell out of the trunk. “Wanna give me a push while you’re back there pal?” He asked. *BOOM!* The back window shattered as the man struck it with the bat. Finally, Twilight had just about enough. “Alright, we’re getting out of here now!” Concentrating her magic, Twilight focused on repairing the car’s engine. Eventually, Ace was able to turn the key and the car roared to life, causing Ace to laugh manically. “IT’S ALIHIHIHIVE!!!” He laughed insanely. “IT’S ALHIHIHIHIHIVE!!!” Ace quickly slammed on the gas and drove off down the alley. But the burly man jumped on the back of the car, holding on as they drove. Ace tried to shake him off, but the guy held on pretty good. “I don’t think so jerk!” Rainbow yelled. Reeling back, Rainbow socked the man in the face so hard it knocked him right out as they turned the corner. Last they saw the man; he was rolling right off the back of the car and onto the street. Rainbow held her knuckles before shaking it off. “Okay, it’s official,” Spike declared. “This is the craziest start of any adventure we’ve ever had.” “Craziest start so far!” Pinkie pointed out. “… What do you mean?” Spike asked worriedly. “Uh-uh, can’t tell you silly!” Pinkie giggled. “It’ll spoil the surprise. Oh wait… forget that last part.” Ace and his new gang sped away freely as the little dog hung his head out the car window barking merrily. Across the broken windshield, Ace also hung his head out the window just to see where he’s going. The car drove by a sign on a telephone pole: ‘Reward’ – with a picture of the Shih tzu in Ace’s seat. <> A short while later, Ace pulled the car up to a house and he emerged with the dog. “You guys wait here,” Ace told the others. “I’ll be back shortly.” Ace proceeded to take the dog into the house where a very ‘sexy’ woman smiled upon seeing her beloved doggy. “My little baby!” She spoke happily, as the dog raced toward her. “You missed mommy didn’t you? Did daddy hurt you? I won’t let him, no I won’t. He may have kept the big screen T.V., but he’s not gonna keep my baby. No, he isn’t.” Eventually, she turned her sights toward Ace and began to act very ‘seductive’. “Thank you, Mr. Ventura,” She spoke flirtatiously. “How can I ever repay you?” She slunk over to Ace, wrapping her arms around his neck. “Well, the reward would be good, and there was some damage to my—” She cut Ace off with a devastating kiss. “Would you like me to take your pants off instead?” She offered. Ace stared off into space for a moment, as he thought about it. “Gee, let me think. Um… sure.” And before he knew it, she drew him toward the bedroom. “It takes a big man to stand up to my husband,” She spoke seductively. “He’s already put two of my lovers in the hospital.” “How did he find out?” Ace asked curiously. “Does he have you followed?” “No… I tell him.” She planted a kiss along Ace’s neck and pulled him down onto the bed. <> Three hours later… The Mane Six and Spike were all asleep in the back seat of the car, when Ace finally opened the door and got back into the driver’s seat. When the door slammed shut, everyone was jolted awake. “What the hay man?” Rainbow asked. “It took you three hours to give the dog back? “Um… not exactly,” Ace responded. Just then, Spike began to sniff the air with his keen dragon sense of smell. “What is that smell?” Spike asked curiously. “It smells like sweat and shame.” “… Yeah,” Ace responded. Ace began to drive himself and the gang away from the house and back towards Miami. The Mane Six and Spike just sat in the back seat contemplating the events of the day. Spike was right when he said this was the wackiest start to ‘any’ of their adventures so far. It caused them to wonder just how much crazier this trip could get. Oh… they don’t know Ace very well… We probably should’ve explained it better. … Yeah. <> Later that night, the moon shined brightly over the stadium of the famed Miami Dolphins football team, the only football team in NFL history to ever have a perfect season in the history of the sport. Inside this very stadium, no one could be seen throughout the entire arena… not even a security guard in sight. The only occupant at the moment was the mascot for the Dolphins himself: Snowflake the Bottlenose Dolphin. Snowflake swam peacefully around his giant tank in the arena without a care in the world. The one place in his lifetime he could call… home. Suddenly, the water was illuminated by the headlights of an N.D. panel truck. The rear door slid open as two men jumped out in wet suits. They slipped into the water while a third waited outside the tank. Snowflake surfaced to check out the action and one of he men began to feed him fish. Snowflake eagerly took it, then shuddered as a large syringe struck into his back. Snowflake thrashed around trying to escape his situation. Unfortunately, the needle had done its job and he quickly went limp. Snowflake was soon loaded into the back of the truck and his excited cackle turned into a painful whimper. The truck quickly skid away, passing the guard gate where the guard was hog tied and gagged, struggling to free himself. And it was on this night that the worst moment in Miami Dolphins history would be recalled… Snowflake, their most prized mascot, was kidnapped…