“I really hate magic,” I said. “I really, really hate magic.”
I was trying to get used to it, but it made me shiver to think about. I was getting okay with the idea of it being used around me, but I still didn’t want it used on me.
Celestia and I were in her castle once again, a disorienting experience getting here since the world transitioned from the library to here with no blink or pause or fade or anything. We were in the room I spent the night in before, the bed still unmade since I’d last been here. Wouldn’t Celestia have castle staff to take care of this? It was an interesting observation.
“What is it about magic you hate?”
“I’m pretty sure I already told you that,” I said. “If I haven’t, then you can probably guess easily.”
“Is this about that deity again?” she asked, raising an eyebrow before shaking her head. “Actually, never mind. It’s not important. What is important is that you keep secret my intentions for what will happen in the wake of my pending retirement. How you even found out is beyond me.”
“Wait, you were keeping that a secret?” I asked, genuinely confused. “And expecting me to not know? Cause it honestly felt like you were trying to point that out to me with the way you were staring at me… actually, I’m pretty sure you told me directly that she was going to take your place, but my memories from when I was sick are kind of foggy.”
She looked up and put a hoof on her chin as if she was trying to remember. Honestly, even if she didn’t tell me, it wasn’t like I was trying to figure out the nuclear codes. She was the princess, and Twilight Sparkle was always by her side. I could put one and one together. How no one else seemed to be able to was something else.
“Well, regardless,” she started, not acknowledging whether or not she told me, “I’d rather you keep this information to yourself. I don’t want to hear rumors swirling about my student if they can be helped.”
“Then why make the announcement at all?” I asked. “It’s really not hard to put together who’s gonna take your place if people just do the barest amount of research. Heck, I did no research, and I figured it out because it’s just so obvious. Not to mention, you were looking at me like you wanted me to know this exact thing.”
“I wanted you to understand that I know about the influence you have on my subjects,” she told me. “I can tell you have disdain for my student and I, and wanted to get ahead of any ill words you might be spreading.”
“So then you did intend for me to know?” I asked seriously, completely confused by what she was trying to say. She only glared at me, and I continued, “I’m not sure what effect you think I have on anyone. Not one person has listened to me about anything until I either told them three hundred times in a row or you stepped in to tell them. If I have any effect, it’s that people somehow think I’m a liar.”
“You say such things, and yet those two you spent time with, Lofty and Holiday, stare back at me with disdain because of what you told them. I can tell they are doubting my ability to rule because of you.”
“I only told them that–”
“It doesn’t matter what you told them!” she suddenly snapped, breaking her calm. “This is neither your country nor your world to determine how things should be run! Just as I wouldn’t go to Earth and criticize whoever your leader is, I expect you to give me the same respect and let me run my country as I see fit.”
I had to avoid rolling my eyes as I sighed, lest she get more angry. I only wanted her to know that my life wasn’t something to be played with. I didn’t care about what she did or how she ran her country. Just that maybe she shouldn't go around making risky plans involving the subjects she claimed to protect.
She seemed to recognize my disappointment that she never understood what I was saying, because her expression softened and she sighed. “I’m sorry,” she said quietly. “I do not mean to snap at you. But please do not speak ill of me. My image is something I work hard to maintain, and I dislike seeing it tarnished the way you’re doing.”
“I just don’t want you putting my life needlessly in danger,” I replied. “I also don’t want to be treated like a child, because I’m not, and Twilight seems keen on doing that.”
“I will speak to her again on that,” she said, not commenting on the first thing. “In return, I want you to keep secret who I plan on having to take my place. I don’t want to see rumors spread about what my intentions are.”
“I mean, it’s completely obvious who you’re going to choose to take your place, but okay, if you say so. I just wanna put whatever you think of me behind us. Start off on another foot… err, hoof, I guess.”
“Yes, that sounds lovely. I do have a question though. Are you certain that the deity you claim to worship is real?”
“Yes,” I answered without hesitation. “I’m one hundred percent confident that God exists.”
She scrunched up her face at that, saying, “It seems I’ll have some work ahead of me if that’s the case… you know, you certainly have a knack for getting yourself wrapped up in things that don’t concern you and picking up on things other ponies can’t see.”
“It’s not like this stuff is hard to figure out,” I said, “but anyway, if you’re trying to one up God, it’s not gonna happen. In fact, it’s literally impossible to do.”
“Ah, yes, because this creature is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent. I remember now.” She rolled her eyes as she said it, clearly not believing me, but I was beyond caring at that point.
“In any case,” she continued, “you are correct. Twilight will be the heiress to my throne upon my retirement. This means that I’m expecting you to treat her with respect. Do not strut around as you have been and acting superior to everypony you encounter.”
I wasn’t acting like that… was I? I didn’t think I was, but now I had to think if I was. I mean, I didn’t approve of the way Twilight and Celestia treated me, and maybe I might have treated Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle and them more like kids than I should have, but… was I acting superior? It made me frown that I might have been.
No, no I wasn’t acting like that. I went along with everything everyone here said for the first two weeks I was here, and it got me nowhere. Asserting myself and standing up for myself didn’t mean I was acting superior. It meant I was fed up with giving in to everyone else's demands. If Celestia actually thought that, then she was being silly, but knowing her, it was probably her trying to subtly keep me more in line with whatever her plans were for me.
It wasn’t a good sign that, to me, the most likely option was that she was trying to manipulate me into doing what she wanted. I was certain that she didn’t trust me at all, which made sense, seeing as I didn’t trust her.
“Well, I won’t act superior,” I assured her, a true statement. “But if she keeps calling me a girl, I’m gonna keep being upset.” I knew it was important to be respectful, but it was hard to stay nice all the time to someone who was acting like a jerk.
“I already instructed her not to, so if she keeps it up, please let me know. However, I’m certain that as long as you treat her with respect, respect will be what she gives to you, even if she does act a bit eccentric.”
Yeah. Respect was what I needed to give first. Because it was my fault I was being disrespected. Of course. We were supposed to be starting off on a different foot, and yet she was acting exactly the same. Deflecting blame and saying it was my fault that I was being treated the way I was. Because of course it was.
“Well, like I said, I’ll give her respect, but my patience is not unlimited.” Then I sighed and said, “Anyway, was there anything else you wanted to tell me?”
“Not at the current time,” she replied. “Where there any questions you had of me?”
“Will I ever get home?” I asked, the question rolling right out of my head. “Cause if I’m not, I want to know now instead of holding out hope for something that isn’t going to happen.” I knew there was a possibility that God would let me go back home, but for some reason, that was feeling extremely unlikely. As much as I would’ve loved it, it didn’t feel like he’d be changing where or who I was anytime soon.
“No, it’s quite unlikely,” she told me seriously, looking down at me, not a hint of sympathy in her eyes. She seemed almost annoyed that I asked her.
“That’s what I thought,” I said, letting out a breath. “But I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. This is gonna suck so bad…”
I just had to keep on keeping on, and… I didn’t know what. Open a business? Or something? It wasn’t something that was gonna happen for years. For now, I had to waste away an entire childhood again going through the motions of it all.
"Well I expect you to behave in an appropriate way, even if you dislike your situation," she commented. It was completely unnecessary and did nothing but put me off more. This proved she didn't care about starting off on another foot.
“This is all just… mmmm.” Couldn’t curse. I wasn’t going to curse. I didn’t know how I felt though. Not like God didn’t exist. He definitely did, otherwise I wouldn’t be a pony. It was more like he wasn’t there, which was silly. Every time I prayed, he asserted his presence. It was like he didn’t care what happened to me though. It was feeling like all of this was happening for no reason, like all these ponies were treating me however which way they wanted just because. It was absolutely wearing me down, and I didn’t know how much more of it I was going to be able to take, especially not from Miss Above-It-All in front of me.
“Fucking bullshit!” I suddenly yelled at the top of my lungs, the princess jumping back in surprise, even surprising myself a little bit by the words I said. This whole situation had me absolutely furious, my jaw grinding down to the bone and my teeth ready to shatter because of how angry I was.
“It’s not okay, that look you give me like you just don’t care! With no sympathy at all! And adding little comments when I'm doing everything I can to not make you mad! Does me just existing here really make you that upset that you have to look at me like that? That you have to treat me the way you do?”
“When you act the way you do to ponies–”
“Because you keep fu– mmmmmm this argument is so ridiculous because you just don’t listen! You haven't listened to me once! At least Cheerilee pretended to be listening!”
I stomped out of the room in a huff, completely done with caring about Celestia or what she would do or what she wanted. It was always the same thing with her in my short time knowing her: deflecting blame and not changing, even after saying she wanted to start over with me. She was completely unsympathetic to what happened to me, and I wasn’t going to keep dealing with more of that.