//------------------------------// // Me? // Story: How About You Eat It? // by ThePinkedWonder //------------------------------// It was a 3-2 count. Three balls, two strikes. I was one strike away. One strike from joining Don Larsen as the only pitchers to pitch a perfect game in a World Series, and the first to pull it off in a Game 7. Twilight would approve of the “perfect” part. The pure, absolute silence from the crowd sent chilly shivers down my spine. It was almost unnatural. They should be cheering or booing, but they knew they were mere moments from witnessing a once-in-a-lifetime event. My mouth would have been shut too if I were them. But the batter standing between me and World Series history was none other than Mike Trout, one of the best batters in the game and a two-time American League MVP*. His iron stance at the plate was flawless, radiated raw indomitable power, and his glare bellowed “This ball’s not getting by me!” Had to ignore my shoulder’s soreness from throwing over a hundred pitches. No–what soreness? I only felt the baseball tucked inside my left palm and soon-to-be victory. It was now or never. What pitch should I go with to mark my name, Eric “Buggie” Reed, into the realm of World Series legends? Four-seam fastball? No, I already threw it back-to-back. Changeup? No, too obvious a choice after throwing two fastballs. Perhaps a slider? It is my go-to pitch, but Trout could be sitting on it instead of my changeup. “Throw them your slider.” “Whoa!” Geez, that killed the mood, and my hand’s grip on my ball failed. The ball just barely missed my feet when it fell. The fun mental vision of a packed baseball stadium and field said bye-bye; the boring true vision of my bedroom said hello. My “catcher” was a pillow, by a wall, with an open glove I had propped in front of it. I whirled around to the voice that shattered my focus: a giggling Twilight Sparkle, standing in my doorway while floating a plate of cookies with her magic. I suppose if anyone bore some right to ruin my fun, it was her. The pony did let me live in her castle after finding me in Equestria over a year ago. She even went on to act as an “Equestrian big sister” to me. “Hehe, sorry if I startled you, but what great baseball-related feat were you imagining yourself accomplishing this time? Pitching a perfect game or winning a ‘World Merries’ again?” “Both, and my world call it the ‘World Series’, not ‘World Merries’.” I massaged my left shoulder and chilled some of its stinging. Maybe I should have pretended to throw over a hundred pitches, but where’s the fun in that? “At least you can remember my favorite pitch’s name. Those baseball books you read paid off, though you learning enough to become a pitching coach for me isn’t happening anytime soon.”  Twilight stared down and pawed the floor, quite sheepishly I’ll say. “Yeah, it was a silly idea. But, after you told me you missed your high-school pitching coach and his lessons, I couldn’t help but try.” “I know, and thanks.” Gotta give the kind-hearted mare an “A+” for effort. I picked my ball off the floor and tossed it onto my bed–I was tempted to throw one last pitch at my still-waiting glove, but my sore arm’s tightness demanded otherwise. “What's up with those cookies?” “Oh, right, I forgot why I came.” She trotted into my room and up to me with her plate of cookies. “Can you test one of these? I baked them and they contain a new ingredient I invented.” “You invented a new ingredient?” “Yep!” She answered with a proud smile, lifting her head up just as proudly. “It doesn’t have a name yet, but it contains properties of a synthetic hybrid of chocolate and nuts. However, someone who is allergic to either or both can safely eat these cookies. Not only that, they are low in fat!” The cookies looked like your plain ‘ol cookies. No chocolate chips, nuts, or anything decorated them. I leaned forward and sniffed them, then my eyes widened. My nose hair screamed from the putrid smell assaulting them and practically receded into their follicles; I snapped my head back. My stomach tightened, said “no way you crazy pony” while probably fading white, matching the color of my shirt. The souring, nose-killing stench from those cookies was something kids of rotten eggs and blue cheese might produce. P and U. “What do you think?” “I think that if you’re worried about becoming overweight, try exercising more, or exercising period.”  “Very funny,” Twilight said with an eye roll and in a not-so-amused voice, “but just take a quick bite.” A smile returned on her face and she added, “Don’t worry; they may…smell a bit due to my new ingredient, but I promise they are perfectly safe.” “Tell that to my stomach.” I patted my previously mentioned organ, or belly to be more technical. “It’s still mad about the time I tested your semi-sweet potato muffins. I had never barfed so much in a single day before!” She leaned her head to my stomach/belly. ”Stomach, I promise these cookies are perfectly safe, as my regular sweet potato muffins are.” “That wasn’t meant to be taken literally and you know it!” I flicked one of Twilight’s ears, prompting a cute giggle out of her mouth as she pulled her head away. Man are her giggles adorable, or adorkable in Twilight’s case. “Anyway, Princess of Baking, why you running to little ‘ol me for help? Spike’s the cooking expert between us, and Pinkie makes even Spike look like a baking rookie.” “I don’t know where Pinkie is, but I did ask Spike. He sniffed my cookies, then he said he forgot Rarity had asked for his help.” Twilight gazed upward, probably in thought, and tapped her cheek. “He must have been really late, because he hurried off to see her.” Lucky for Spike, the cookie baker's ability to see through lies needed work. “Then what about Starlight? Now that I think of it, won’t feedback from another pony be a bit more useful?” “Starlight ran off behind Spike before I could ask. Unless I track down Pinkie or another of our friends, I’m stuck with you.” “Wait, ‘stuck’ with me–okay, I’ll pretend that wasn’t nearly as insulting as it sounded.” “It wasn’t. Besides, hehe, partly in thanks to our school, Equestria’s races are bonding with each other at an unprecedented level, and this is still only the beginning,” she said almost giddily, and hopped in place a few times, looking adorkable. Twi has been so excited about her school and its progress, and seeing her so happy warmed some joy in my chest. Even if I wouldn’t bend on feasting on her blasted cookies. “You being a human even lets you be a better choice to test brand-new foods.” “Why?” "I may make these cookies an option as a snack for our students. Spike could help vouch for how dragon students might like them, but you could be a more…universal taste tester.” The poor things. If that alicorn had the ovaries to serve those cookies to our students, I could picture said students lining up to my office there. Although I wouldn’t be answering questions about how ponies do things from an “outsider’s” perspective, my main role as a “non-native bridge to pony society” for non-pony students. I’d be answering other questions. “So come on, try giving a cookie a little taste.” Twilight floated the plate near my face; my nose hair unleashed another scream. “No!” I pushed the plate away. Twi shoved the plate to my face again, to my nose's dismay. “Pleaaaaase, Buggie? For me?” I took a step back to get some distance from those cookies, but I was in big trouble. Twilight had put on her pleading smile! Did her eyes actually sparkle? Either way, I couldn’t say “no” to that face! Too cute to turn down! With no one around, besides Twilight, and her face pounding my willpower into pushover jelly, I groaned. Sorry stomach.  Wait–that was it! She was there! Genius! “I got a better idea.” I shoved those cookies away once again, then pointed a finger at the Princess of Adorkableness. “How about you eat it?” Twilight’s irresistible smile wilted to a far easier to say “no” to frown, as she pointed at herself. “Me?” “Yeah, you! As its creator, you know way more about your ingredient ‘X’ or whatnot than me, so why not?” She stared at her cookies, her frown wilting further. A lump rolled down her throat. Good, this would be fun. “W-well, I…” “You said they’re safe, right?” “Of course eating them is safe! I wouldn’t have asked you to eat them if I thought they were unsafe.” “So instead of begging me or one of the gang to act as your guinea pig, be your own!”  That coaxed another eye roll and huff out of her. “First, I’m not experimenting on you, so this hardly counts as you being a ‘huinea pig’ or whatever that human expression is. Second, uh, I already ate, so I’m full.” Twilight’s stomach growled. Out popped a sheepish grin from ‘em lips. Busted! “Tell that to your stomach.” “Oh, that wasn’t–er, ponies’ stomachs when full, uh…” Twilight sighed. Must be fresh out of excuses. “Okay, I’m a bit…unsure of its taste, but your stomach is stronger than mine. Humans have strong stomachs!” She said, ending with a snort. One of the times she sounded not like a sapient pony, but a pony due to her ending snort. Flattering me and my species. She’s good. But not good enough, and a delicious idea popped into my noggin. I was going to enjoy this. “Fine.” I grabbed the plate from Twilight’s magic. I skipped to my dresser, laid the plate down as I picked up a cookie with my other hand, and skipped back to Twilight. “After I say something, I’ll think about playing taste-tester.” A big fat grin flashed on Twi’s face and her eyes sparkled again. This time I knew they did. “You will?! Great! Tell me anything!” “Eat up, girl!” My hand’s grip on the cookie tightened. It lunged for Twilight’s mouth and rammed into its suddenly sealed lips. I pushed against them, and Twilight shook her head, mumbling, “Uhm-uhm! Uhm-uhm!” “Open up, big sis! It’s time you be your own ‘huinea pig’!” “Uhm-uhm! Stmm! I memmt it!” I latched my free hand over Twilight's muzzle–even alicorns need to breathe. A sharp shake of her head threw off both my hands, and I got no idea how its force didn’t knock the cookie out of my hand. She spun toward the doorway, but I jumped in front of her and forced the cookie against her lips again. “It’s no use! Take this and chow down!” Between struggling to keep Twilight’s swiveling head in semi-check and cutting her off each time she turned to attempt an escape in a tight dance, my muscles started to flag and grow wobbly. Not good. I had all but forgotten my left arm’s soreness, but its sting’s reminder alarm was worse than eight alarm clocks firing at once. Or, the yelling of a single Pinkie Pie. Time for plan “B.” I’d have to act immediately afterward, or I’d risk becoming the first human to get blasted into the sun by an alicorn. “If you don’t eat, I’m burning one of your books!” “WHAT?!” Knew those words would get the Princess of Books’s mouth open, which I stuffed with her cookie. Her eyes bulged and she spat the cookie out, largely intact, then furiously wiped her mouth with her hooves. She spat out crumbs as she did, and this was a sight to behold! There’s never a camera around when I really need it. But, it says something about those cookies' smell that they seemed no less unappealing when coated in pony drool. “So, how was it?” I asked with the best smirk I could muster. The baker’s stomach grumbled. She flew out my room in a purple blur, triggering a wind gust that blew some papers on my dressers to the floor. The heaving grunts and moans from, likely, the bathroom reminded me that Equestrian ponies have an ability ponies from my old world don’t possess: barf. Guess Twilight’s stomach wasn’t completely empty. “Hey, Twi! If you can hear me, want me to give your compliments to the chef?!” “You…*groan*...be quiet!” “Was that a ‘no’?!” “Ugh!” I took that as a “no.” Love that mare. Twilight Sparkle might sometimes be a royal pain, albeit a friendly one, but she can be a great source of entertainment.  I glanced over toward the rest of the cookies on my dresser, and another delicious idea came to me. I could have fun with Starlight later, if I tell her the cookies are, well, delicious, despite their stench. I’d just need to get to her before she learned Twilight’s “review” of them.