//------------------------------//
// Chapter 27: Chronic Backstabbers Syndrome Anonymous 
// Story: Caverns & Cutie Marks: Our House Now 
// by TheColtTrio 
//------------------------------//

The new secretary for the recently established Panel of International Situation Solutions (PISS) scrambled to hide her magazine under her desk as the main door to her office swung open. Any attempts to hide the magazine ceased as she settled for gawping at the mares flooding the office.
    “C-ca-can I help you, Princess Twilight Sparkle?” the secretary stammered, touching her hair self-consciously.
    The Princess of Friendship gave a tight smile. “I believe you can, Miss-” She glanced at the nameplate on the desk- “Marge. I need to speak with the Panel of International Situation Solutions (PISS) as soon as possible.”
    Miss Marge blinked. “Ehm.” She gulped. “I can make an appointment if that-”
    “Ah think the fine members of the Panel of International Situation Solutions (PISS) can spare the Princess of Friendship a few minutes of their time,” Applejack interrupted. “We are in a bit of a rush.”
    Miss Marge gulped again. “I’ll let them know you’re here,” she amended. “If you just sit over there, I’m sure there’ll be somepony by soon to take you to them.” She gestured to a pair of seats flanking a low table covered with a sprawl of magazines. One of Twilight’s eyes twitched. The purple mare could just hear Coltson’s smug voice asking yet another of his infernal questions.
    “If it's all the same to you,” Twilight said, smiling frostily, “I think we’ll just show ourselves in.” Miss Marge’s eyes widened to comical proportions as the Princess led her entourage through the door behind her desk and into the room where the Panel of International Situation Solutions (PISS) resided.
    The panel had requisitioned a smaller room, meant for the (usually) small scale affairs of Canterlot’s local government. However, since nopony wanted to tell the nobility of Canterlot that their problems weren’t important enough for the main assembly, this room had gone unused for quite some time. The assembled panel members had done their best to make it fitting for their new positions, however, complete with a horseshoe table for them to sit behind and loom menacingly over anypony they had summoned. Expertly placed backlighting cast dramatic shadows over each of the ponies seated at the raised table.
    Twilight resisted the temptation to roll her eyes. We’ve faced down Tirek, she thought, and they think a little lighting is going to make them scary? Her horn sparked, almost imperceptibly, and a moment later the lights suffered a malfunction, evening the lighting in the room. “Looks like there’s still some kinks to work out,” she said, loud enough to be heard over the surprised murmurings of the panel’s ponies.
    One of the ponies, an older stallion, cleared his throat. Twilight made a mental note of his position closer to the center of the table; likely a sign of his ‘seniority’ in the new committee. “Princess,” he greeted slowly. “Thank you for coming on such short notice.”
    “‘Notice’ is one word for it,” Twilight replied, using her magic to pull over one of the smaller tables that had been shoved to a corner. Six chairs followed, arranged so that she and each of her friends could face the panel. “Apparently this committee, which I’m fairly certain didn’t exist yesterday, has the authority,” she emphasised the word by dropping the last chair with a forceful bang, “to summon the Princess of Friendship.” She smiled in a way that Rarity had helped her practice back when she’d first ascended: sweetly, but with a healthy dash of ‘don’t try it’ hidden in the corners of her eyes. “Is that right, senator?”
    The stallion coughed again, eyes shifting to the other panel members. “Well, it is a committee invested with the authority of Princess Celestia herself.”
    “A committee invested with the authority of another committee invested with some of the authority of the Princess,” Twilight corrected. The stallion seemed to wilt slightly. “I was the one who suggested to Celestia that she start the Senate in the first place. I would not advise trying to oversell your authority.”
    Applejack leaned in towards the alicorn. “Twi’, there ain’t gonna be anything left of these guys if ya’ll keep that up.”
    Twilight hesitated for a moment. “I’m a bit perturbed,” she whispered back.
    “We hadn’t noticed,” Rarity sniffed. “Let’s just find out what they want so we can get back to dealing with those boys.”
    After another moment of staring down the stallion, Twilight nodded and took a seat. She inclined her head towards the panel as a whole, as if to say ‘go on’.
    The committee members shifted uncomfortably, no-pony wanting to put themselves in Twilight’s sights. Fortunately for them, the room’s door swung open. All eyes turned towards it, and six pairs of mare’s eyes went wide. “Goodness,” Holdfast said, letting the door creak closed behind him. “I hope I haven’t kept anypony waiting. That would be…” He trailed off, taking in the Elements with a raised eyebrow. “Most unfortunate. Princess.”
    “Count Holdfast,” Twilight replied, hesitating only for a split second as she recalled this local version’s title. “Are you on this panel too?”
    “Indeed.” The snow-colored stallion made his way to the horseshoe-shaped table. “It seems that Canterlot has no representative on the Senate, since the Princesses themselves would be expected to fill that position. It seemed unfair to force either of them to pass judgement on restricting a fellow Princess’s activities. In lieu of that-” Holdfast took the empty seat in the middle, steepling his forehooves on the table, “-I have volunteered to represent Canterlot’s interests.”
    “How noble,” Twilight said flatly.
    Holdfast smiled. “I like to think so.” He took his eyes off of the mare to look at his fellow panelists. “Shall we get started, then? I assume everypony has had time to go over the Accords by now?” He paused, seeing Rainbow Dash’s hoof raised. “Yes, Ms. Dash?”
    “Yeah, I’ve got a question about those Accords,” Rainbow Dash said, her chair leaned back on two legs.
    The count’s smile didn’t falter. “And that question is?”
    “Who the buck kind of fly-by-night operation puts together a panel literally called ‘piss’?”
    There was silence for a good thirty seconds. A pegasus mare on the committee was the first to break it. “I told you we should’ve gone with one of the other names.”
    “We’ll deal with that later,” Holdfast said, cutting the other panelists off. “Are there any questions about the Accords themselves?”
    “How did the proposal get passed so quickly?” Rarity asked. “Don’t bills and the like have to be considered, debated, voted, vetoed, considered again, and voted again to become anything official?”
    Holdfast arched a brow and turned to his fellow representatives. The senators all shuffled uncomfortably in their seats under the stallion’s gaze, looking everywhere but at the mares before them or the stallion beside them.
    “Well?” Holdfast prompted. One of the senators cringed and finally met the mares’ questioning gazes.
    “The senator from the Pony North West was really convincing,” he said weakly. “He gave some very sound reasons for the implementation of his proposal that made sense to us.”
    “What kind of reasons?” Fluttershy asked.
    The senator winced. “All of you.”
    The Elements of Harmony recoiled in surprise.
    “Us?!” Rainbow squawked. “What about us?!”
    “He referenced the recent production of MacHawk,” the senator stated. “Said something about how power corrupts absopositivelylutely.”
    “I believe the quote is ‘power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely’,” drawled Holdfast. “Hardly an adage from the Pony North West I might add. Much like how ‘Fear the Old Blood’ comes from a church in the Undiscovered West instead of that newfangled game I hear young ponies gossiping about by the water coolers.”
    “And y’all think,” Applejack growled, “that we plan on letting ourselves get corrupted?”
    At least two senators responded with conflicting statements. “The goal here,” Holdfast said, cutting through the chatter, “as I see it, is to have safeguards in place on the incredibly slim chance that something happens.” He waited for a moment to see if anypony would contradict him, then continued. “The Ponyville Accords are a living document, after all. Should this panel see fit, we could adjust them to be more lenient for the Elements of Harmony.” He narrowed his eyes, shooting a glance at Twilight. “Or restrict them, depending on how things work out.”
    “And when do we get a say in all this?” Pinkie asked.
    “With all due respect,” Cloudsdale’s senator interjected, “but the Royal Guard doesn’t get a say when the Captain of the Guard gives an order.” He held up a hoof to hold off all six outbursts at once. “Which is not to say you have no voice here. As Count Holdfast said, the Accords are a work in progress. Your actions will be our barometer for how to adjust the Accords in the future.”
    Rarity raised an eyebrow. “And for now?” 
    “We see how this first draft works out,” Holdfast explained. “Without unnecessary adjustments.”
    Twilight looked hard at the senators for several seconds, puffing her chest up to respond. Then she released her breath in a sigh and nodded. “There isn’t much we can do about this right now,” she muttered to her friends. “We’ll have to play this by ear.” She lifted her head to look at the senators again. “Thank you for meeting with us on such short notice. I’m sure we’ll hear from each other soon.”
    “I’m sure,” Holdfast replied with a grin.
    Twilight inclined her head and turned, leading the other mares from the room, past the still gawking Miss Marge, and out the door into Canterlot proper. Before the door could shut behind them, Twilight could make out a smattering of words.
    “Now, on to the topic of Operation WOMP, Senator Baelhart requested...”
    “Spike,” Twilight said. “He gave me a file regarding Operation WOMP. I should get on to reading that. I think it’ll become relevant very soon.”


* * *


    “Are you sure that was a good idea?” Trixie’s voice held concern. “I mean, I’ve already burned six bridges. This doesn’t sound like the time to start any more fires.”
    “Relax,” Wits said with a wave of one of his floating hands. “I know those two. These stars don’t hide their fires. They crash down over the course of three days, and are moons with big angry faces on them.”
    Trixie blinked. “What?”
    “I don’t know either. The point I was getting at was that the whole cease-fire was a sham from the moment it was suggested.” Wits and turned towards a window. “The only question is how long we all play along.”
    Trixie looked out the window of her wagon at the tangled undergrowth that surrounded them. It didn’t matter how safe Wits said it was, or how much like home it was; the chaotic tangle of flora and fauna of the Undiscovered West still gave her the creeps. A shudder ran down her spine. “Doesn’t messing with them mean you’re not playing along?”
    Wits shook his head. “Me messing with them is playing along. Doing otherwise would make them suspicious. The only question,” he turned back towards Trixie, “is whether they’re going to do the same.”
    Trixie bit back a snort. “I think we have an answer,” she forced out, trying her best not to break out into giggles.
    “What?” Wits looked around, a rather magnificent—and bushy, and ridiculous—mustache swaying under his nose as he did so. “Did you see something? Is there something on my face?”
    “Yes,” Trixie bit out, tears forming in the corners of her eyes, “and yes.” She managed to bring a mirror over before her resistance broke, sending her into a fit of laughter
    Wits stared at his reflection, wiggling his nose and lips to get a better look at the new growth. “Hilarious,” he deadpanned, grabbing the tape that held the hair on with one magical hand and tearing it off. “At least the glue isn’t that strong,” he muttered, feeling at his now bare lip.
    Trixie forced herself back onto all four hooves. “So,” she breathed, wiping the tears from her face. “What do we do now? Is that whatsit of yours ready for Light Patch?”
    “Not yet.” The two unicorns looked at the partially assembled device taking up most of the wagon’s kitchen. The wall had been replaced, or perhaps taken over by, a large empty door frame made of a combination of wood, metal, and crystals. Where the door handle would be, instead a large tome was mounted. At the peak of the frame hung a housing for what appeared to be a filly’s helmet, with a series of brightly colored wires leading down to an empty—and well furnished—cage. “It still needs something,” Wits muttered.
    “Wait, wait, wait.” Trixie held up a hoof. “Are you saying you solved Starswirl’s Universal Barrier Paradox?”
    “‘Solved’ is a strong word,” Wits admitted. “More like ‘punched a hole in it by using something with the exact multiversal coordinates’.” He shot a look at the copy of Tomb of Horses strapped to the entire assembly. “So we know where we’re going, but we don’t know where we’ve been. Still needs an anchor of some sort... I think. There isn’t enough holding it to this side to maintain the connection.”
    “An anchor?” Trixie asked. “Like what?”
    “Something big.” Wits was almost talking to himself as he ran his forehoof over his chin. “And old. Something that’s been around for a good part of Equestria’s history.” He frowned. “No, older than that, actually. Something that predates Equestria.”
    Trixie’s frown mirrored the stallion’s. “Not many things that old. Definitely nothing I can get into.”
    “What’d you mean, ‘into’?”
    “I mean anything that old will be in the Canterlot Archives.” Trixie sighed, settling into a chair at the table “They’re magic-proofed. Like, really magic-proofed. Makes Twilight’s enchantments on her castle look like a ‘Please Do Not Disturb’ sign. Trying to teleport into there redirects to a cell at the bottom of Tartarus.”
    “...So that’s a ‘maybe’?”
    “So that’s a ‘no’,” Trixie clarified.
    “Drat.” Wits ran a hoof along his long, thin mustache, twisting the end into a little spiral. “Foiled again by good planning and forethought.”
    “You’ve got a thing again.”
    “What? Oh, for the love of…” Wits tore the mustache from his face, hissing as the glue pulled at the fur on his upper lip. “Haaaaaaah. Okay, that one was on a little more firmly. Ow.”
    Trixie watched as the disembodied mustache was flung into the sink. “So anything older than Equestria is out of the question. What do we do?”
    “Anything…” Wits murmured. “But not anyone.”
    Trixie raised an eyebrow. “What, do you think you can get Discord to be your anchor?”
    “What? No. Celestia’s heavenly hindquarters, no. It’d be like trying to anchor the Yamato with a bag of potato chips.” Wits End took a seat across from Trixie, leaning one elbow on the table. “How old are Aboleths?”
    “Old.”
    “How old?”
    “Yes.” 
    Wits narrowed his eyes. “Thanks.”
    “I mean it,” Trixie said. “Aboleths have been around almost as long as this planet has. Some ponies think it might even be longer than that. You want old? They’re old.”
    “All of them?”
    “All of the ones that’re alive today, yeah. Why?”
    “I think I know a guy.”
    Trixie raised an eyebrow. “A guy?”
    “Well, an Aboleth. Named Whimsy.”
    “Weird name for an Aboleth.”
    “Isn’t it? Anyway, apparently he lives in the Everfree. I’ll need your help tracking him down.”
    Trixie blanched. “You want me to go out into the Everfree Forest?”
    “Relax.” Wits leaned back, putting one hindhoof on the table. “I grew up in a forest. 80% of the stuff out there won’t mess with you as long as you don’t mess with it.”
    “Yeah,” Trixie muttered, “but it’s that remaining 20% I’m worried about.”
    “Look, I’ll be out there with you. It’s really not that big of a-” He was interrupted by a knock at the door. “Expecting company?”
    Trixie shook her head. “Nopony knows that I’m out here. You?”
    “Nopony cares that I’m out here.” There was another knock, and Wits pursed his lips. “Well, I definitely shouldn’t answer it.”
    With a sigh, Trixie stood and made her way to the door. “Yeah, yeah,” she said as she opened it. “What do you want?”
    A khaki-colored Earth Pony tipped his wide-brimmed boonie hat, a similarly wide grin on his face. “G’day, mate!” he chirped, his voice heavy with an accent Trixie couldn’t quite place. “Name’s Down Unda! Got a call ‘bout a wild beasty in th’ area. Mind if I take a quick peek an’ see if it’s in ‘ere?”
    Trixie blinked. “A… creature? Here in the Undiscovered West. Not exactly specific, is it?”
    “Ah, roight. Just a tick.” Down Unda searched in his hat, retrieving a folded, important-looking document. “Now, lesse ‘ere…”
    Trixie heard a light creak from the floorboards behind her. While the other pony was busy unfolding his papers, she glanced back to see Wits End standing off to one side, out of sight of the doorway. He mouthed something that looked like “crikey”, then jerked his head back towards the door. 
The mare turned back just in time to see Down Unda’s face light up. “There she is!” he declared, turning the paper towards Trixie. “One orda’ from th’ Panel’ve In’ernational Situation Solutions for a juvvie Misplacah Beast! Last spotted ‘round a wagon owned by one Trixie Lulumoon.” He tapped the small picture of Trixie attached to the document. “That’s you, roight lass?”
“It… certainly looks like Trixie,” Trixie said slowly. The picture looked like it was taken from a few weeks ago, at one of her shows. Next to it was pinned a picture of the Misplacer Beast Wits had brought back with him from the Changelings’ hideout. “How did you find this place?”
“Aw, weren’t nothin’ lass.” Down Unda tucked the document back under his hat. “Jus’ a bit’ve trackin’. Followin’ wagon tracks ain’t nothin’ to findin’ a Leatherback Starbiter’s trail. They never use the same foot twice, yaknow.” He finished with a knowing wink.
Trixie blinked. “Sure.” She glanced at Wits, who had moved to just out of sight next to the door frame. He rolled his eyes and made a shooing motion with one forehoof. “Well, if Trixie spots such a creature, she will know who to inform. However, it is certainly not here.”
“Maybe, but th’ ol’ Panel’s orda’s say to check right thoroughly. Ain’t nothin’ I can do ‘bout it.” He shrugged. “So, beggin’ ya pardon, I’ll be makin’ this quick.”
“Oh for the love of…” Wits swung around the door frame, placing one hoof on Down Unda’s forehead. Instantly, thin silvery tendrils of magic latched from his horn to the Earth Pony’s forehead. “There was nothing out of the ordinary here,” he said. “Just a normal section of moving forest. No wagon, no ponies, and no Misplacer Beast. Go back and tell the Panel that you’ll try looking somewhere in the Badlands next.” The unicorn paused for a moment. “And stay away from stingrays. Now get going.”
Down Unda stumbled away from the wagon, a glazed expression on his face. After a moment, he shook his head, stared at the wagon as if he was looking at a point past it, then shrugged and turned away. It didn’t take long for him to disappear back into the underbrush.
“Impressive,” Trixie said.
“That was Purple Heart’s ‘friendly interference’,” Wits replied. “Hopefully that little suggestion keeps the Panel off us for a while.”
“Trixie was referring to that.”
Wits followed the line of her pointing forehoof back to his own face, and a truly incredible mustache that had covered his mouth entirely. “Really?” He pulled at the hair, and found it far more stubborn than the previous ones. “I’m borrowing the sink. And maybe a razor.”
“And then what?” Trixie asked. 
“Then we look for an Aboleth.” He paused, absentmindedly stroking his mustache. “Maybe he doubles as a barber.”
    

* * *


    Purple Heart squinted at the colt in front of him. “I’ve been called to give my testimony in a what-now?”
    The colt, a thin yellow unicorn with an auburn mane and tail, winced under Purple Heart's gaze.
“A trial,” the colt repeated. “I wasn’t told why, but the next senate meeting is supposed to include a trail that requires your testimony.”
Purple Heart inhaled deeply and the colt cringed, waiting for the explosion that was sure to come. At the crescendo of his inhale, Purple Heart puffed his cheeks and spat, “Fine. I’ll be there.” He looked down at the papers strewn across his desk, believing the conversation over with. After several seconds of silence, Purple Heart frowned. He looked back up, wondering why the door hadn’t opened and closed. He’d made the dismissal obvious. The colt was still standing there, shifting uncomfortably from hoof to hoof.
“Well?” Purple Heart prompted. “Was that it?”
“No, sir,” the colt squeaked. “There was something else.”
Purple Heart arched an eyebrow. “Yes?”
The colt coughed. “Thesenateconvenesinafewminutes, sir!” he said quickly. Purple Heartblinked.
“I could’ve sworn you said something about the senate convening soon,” he said thoughtfully. “Is that right?” The colt didn’t say anything. He just nodded vigorously.
Purple Heart hummed, nodding to himself. “Well shit.”
A bare minute later, Purple Heart was striding through the double doors of the main senate chamber, trying his hardest to calm his racing heart.
“I hate running,” he growled to himself as he nodded in greeting to some of the senators he had a passing relationship with. Just as he sat at his designated seat, Madam Speaker Top Class arrived with her aide and made her way to the podium at the chamber’s center. The aide dropped her collection of folders on a low table beside the podium occupied by the session’s scribe. The senators watched in silence as Top Class conversed with her aide and the scribe in a low whisper that barely reached the first ring of seats. Purple Heart shifted in his chair, wondering if his testimony was really needed for whatever this trial was for.
Top Class stepped up to the podium and cleared her throat, silencing the small whispered conversations scattered around the chamber.
“Welcome to a Special Session of the Public Equestra Senate,” Top Class greeted. “Today, we have only one item on the docket: the Trial of the Public Equestria Senate v. Baelhart.”
Purple Heart Pikachu’d.
Top Class eyed Purple Heart critically. “Judging from your dumbstruck expression, I presume this is the first you’ve heard of this?” she asked primly.
Purple Heart’s jaw shut with a clack and he nodded. “I got notified by a clerk not five minutes ago that I was required to provide testimony for a trial,” he replied, “but it wasn’t revealed to me that I was the trial.” A frown creased the purple earth pony’s brow. “Out of sheer curiosity, did you have to vote to decide whether or not to use witnesses?”
Top Class snorted, smiling tightly. “Of course not,” she said. “It was agreed unanimously.”
“Huh. You’re better than most elephants then.”
“Pardon?”
“Nothing.” Purple Heart stood. “You want I should come down there or are we just gonna holler back and forth?”
Top Class pursed her lips and gestured to a chair in front of her podium. “Sit, if you please.” As Purple Heart made his way down to his new seat, Top Class turned to the chamber at large.
“I know some of you must be wondering why this trial is taking place,” the Speaker spoke. “I cannot give specifics; but somepony has sent me a memo expressing concern over how much pull Senator Purple Heart has amongst its members.”
Purple Heart raised a hoof. “When I proposed the bill to create the Panel, wasn’t it decided that I wouldn’t have any say in who sat on it?” he asked once Top Class had acknowledged him.
    “That is true,” Top Class agreed. “However, you’ve forgotten one thing.”
    Purple Heart furrowed his brow in confusion. “I have?”
    Top Class smirked. “This is still a monarchy. Not a democracy.”
    The double doors to the chamber opened abruptly and a red carpet rolled down the steps. A squad of guard ponies tramped in and lined the walkway as Celestia ducked through the door to enter the Senate Chamber. All the senators stood and bowed before the Princess as she walked regally down to Top Class and Purple Heart.
    “Your highness.” Top Class bowed. “Your timing was impeccable.”
    “It was, wasn’t it?” Celestia agreed, laughing gently. “I must say that you should get the award for best delivery. ‘This is still a monarchy. Not a democracy.’ Perfection.” Celestia turned her head and looked down at Purple Heart. “So this is the pony responsible for the panel’s inception. Lovely.”
    Purple Heart Pikachu’d again.
    “Thank you for coming today, your highness,” Top Class said, gesturing for a chair to be brought for the Princess. “I’m grateful that you could attend this trial.” Celestia inclined her head to Madam Class, thanked the mare’s aide, then sat in the provided chair.
    “I must admit, when I heard word that the Elements of Harmony were being regulated, I was most surprised,” Celestia replied. “To think that my student would behave in such a manner that required policing requires an explanation.” She looked at Purple Heart again. “Suffice to say, I have some concerns.”
    Purple Heart gulped. “I can tell,” he said. He looked around, feeling very small under so many eyes. “Ehm, could we just get this over with where I promise not to interact with the Panel of International Situation Solutions and call it a day?”
    “And waste all this good material?” Top Class asked, holding a hoof out to her aide. The pony placed a sheet of parchment in the mare’s hoof and Top Class adjusted her glasses.
    
“This new panel is called the Panel of International Situation Solutions, which is a great name because it tells you exactly what they do: they look at international situations, and propose solutions. Except that’s not what they do. The Panel of International Situation Solutions was formed primarily to oversee the activities of the Elements of Harmony, who you might remember as those girls who saved the world half a dozen times. You know, the good guys? Yeah, they obviously need a lot of oversight. ‘Hey Harry? Did the Elements fill out the proper paperwork before they took down Glorkon the Obliterator? No? Dang, well now we gotta undo all of the repair efforts. Bring in the wrecking ball!’”

    Top Class eyed Purple Heart over the top of the parchment. “That was an excerpt from nationwide broadcast of Coal Beard’s opening monologue of his It’s Very Dark Outside Show,” Madam Speaker revealed. “A monologue that criticizes the Panel of International Situation Solutions and the Senate!”
    Purple Heart blinked. “Ahuh. Pee-Are shenanigans. Lovely. Can I just plead guilty now and take a slap on the hoof?”
    Top Class ignored him. Celestia didn’t. The Princess of Sunlight spoke before Top Class could.
    “I think that the young colt has just admitted his guilt,” Celestia commented. Top Class blinked at the alicorn and looked at her assembled papers.
    “But… All this good material… Are you saying I should let it go to waste?”
    Celestia faltered. “Eh… No?”
    Top Class beamed. “Perfect. Onwards. I have several...”
    Purple Heart slumped in his seat as he listened to Madam Speaker Top Class continue her speech. “This is the weirdest trial I’ve ever seen,” he muttered, glaring at Celestia and Top Class. “Might as well make the most of it.” Threads snaked down the legs of his chair and spread out across the senate floor, latching on to everyone.
    Purple Heart grinned darkly. “Let’s see if I can nudge them into my way of thinking...”


* * *


    The two ponies stood at the entrance to their dig site, sheltered from the wind by the small shack. Luck was on their side as the sun’s shine was still able to meet them, helping to keep them warm—or in the case of the cloaked pegasus, a little too warm. He shifted again, using his wings to expand the cloak to try and suck cooler air in.
    “If you’re too hot,” the other pony asked, “why not simply remove the cloak?”
    “Because if we want to keep this little meeting from failing instantly, I can’t let the bandits see me.”
    “And why would that be an issue, Mr Frost?”
    “Because I’ve interacted with both of the bandit groups before, and by ‘interacted’ I mean we fought and they beat the tar and stuffing out of me.” He turned to look at the mare next to him. “I’d rather avoid that again, even if I might be able to take just the leaders.”
    “Then why not fight them? What was the phrase you’d used?” she asked, frowning harder somehow as she repeated the phrase. “Cut off the head and the rest of the snake will die?”
    “There’s no way they haven't been brought back-up, or have some retaliatory orders if they fail to report back,” Light Patch finished, looking back towards the direction they were expecting the bandit leaders to appear from.
Moon Dancer adjusted her scarf and looked at the jade and slate coat that the pegasus had chosen to hide himself in. Her mind was busy calculating all of the many ways this could-slash-would turn out wrong. She was still curious why they didn’t abandon the dig now and come back with the Crystal Empire guards.
She saw a mound of snow shifting and studied it in case it was a bandit outing itself, a local creature, or possibly even a Changeling. At this point, she was tempted to accept even the Changelings helping them, even if it was her wishing for the danger she knew rather than these new variables. “You know, this isn’t going to work. I’ve already figured out twenty five different ways this could go wrong.”
    “I’m at thirty seven, but I’ve been working on this plan for longer than I told you about it.”
    “Then why are we going through with it?”
    “Because we don’t need to pull the wool over their eyes forever. Just long enough to get the artifact out of their claws, paws, and automobiles.”
    “You know I’m keeping a list of things for you to explain to me later, right?”
    “I figured as much,” the pegasus said, accompanied by a sigh. “Anyway, we just have to keep them busy ‘til we get the artifact out. Then the Guard can sweep in and finish up. We can even get them to go after each other when we pull the vanishing act.”
    “So not only do you want to fool them into thinking they’ll get artifacts, if not the artifact, but now you want to ratchet up tensions between them, but not to the point of starting a fight while we’re between them?”
    “Yes, that was my general idea. Though, I figure as long as we can make them fight each other and not us, we should be bronze or silver, if not golden. Now look sharp. I think I see them coming.”
    The two ponies lapsed into silence as three figures approached them; two Minotaurs and a Griffon. Moon Dancer suddenly found herself thinking of new ways the plan could fail right now, at this meeting. She took a couple of steps closer to Light Patch and tried to not tense up as they entered talking distance.
    “Make this quick, ponies,” Grill Grood growled, coming to stand as far away from Solosun as he reasonably could. “I have better things to do.”
    “Thank you for showing up,” Light Patch said, “and also not making it obvious you were breaking the terms of the meeting.”
    “Does anyone ever truly come to these without some kind of backup or lifeline?” Solosun asked.
    “The dumb or the ones who died probably,” Minnie replied, already looking bored as she leaned on her axe.
    “That would seem statistically likely,” Moon Dancer chimed in.
    “We saw your scouts looking at our dig site,” Light Patch continued. “It’s nothing special. No magic metals or fancy artifacts of doom. Just an archaeological dig site with some old dead warriors’ stuff. I’ve been authorised by the leader of the dig to give you the money we have left in the security budget. You get a quick and easy payday, leave us alone, and everyone’s happy.”
    “Or I could kill ya, take the money, and use the artifacts or melt them down for reforging,” Grill said, a giant grin splitting his face as he leaned over the disguised Light Patch.
    “You can’t do that! These are historical artifacts! They are important to the history of Equestria, Griffonia and even the Minotaur tribes. They-”
    “Are also extremely old,” Solosun cut in. “The quality of the iron would be poor and most of them are likely brittle due to age, ice, and other weathering. But selling to the right collectors... That could be worth some bits. Enough bits to maybe buy some protection, say, from some bipedal noisy cows.”
    Light Patch could tell this was starting to slide out of his control. Granted, he hardly expected them to take the bait for Plan A, but hope still sparked in him for a while. It seems I am on to Plan B now, the pegasus thought. He stepped between the two leaders, holding his hooves up to try and stall them for the precious seconds. “Gentlemen and Lady, calm down. That wasn’t the only offer I’ve been granted permission to make.” He glanced to see Moon Dancer trying and failing to not look terrified. And also shifting away from Minnie, who had re-hefted her weapon and looked generally interested again in what was happening.
    “There is still a simple and easy payday waiting for the both of you. This was the site of a large battle. There are plenty of artifacts. The dig can sell several of them, keeping the choicest of them for the various museums we were sent by. The money of the ones sold should easily be enough to make both of you fine, upstanding gentlemen and your friends happy for a good amount of time.” He glanced again, and wasn’t surprised to find anger fighting for position against terror on Moon Dancers face, and both of the leaders seeming interested in the potential deal.
    “So you're still paying us to go away?” Grill asked.
    “Well, not exactly. If we’re going to have to raise the extra money, we need to at least make it look like we had a good reason for the artifacts, or the bits they generated, to return to the museums’ coffers.”
    “So then... what's your plan?”
    “Surely you know how many other bandit groups operate in this area. With two of the best bought by our bits in waiting, few of them are willing to face the combined wrath.”
    “There’s a few that are dumb enough to try, anyway. It’d be nice to finally get a chance to bop them,” Minnie added, her boss nodding.
    “I would guess from the look on your faces that we have the beginnings of a deal hammered out?”
    “I think we can work something out,” Solosun mused. “I’ll have a contract for you to sign in a couple of days. Until then, I should let my soldiers know to spread out and begin some patrol patterns around the area. And make sure they don’t rough up any of Grill little band of barbarians. It would look rather unprofessional.”
    “It’d take three of your patrols to rough up one of ours,” Grill growled. “But still there's some other scores than the one with you I’d like to settle, so I guess I’ll tell my barbarians to not throw as many stones at the birds in the skys” He turned to leave, Minnie following right behind.
    Solosun started to leave before he turned back to the two ponies. “You know, I’m something of a war historian. If I’m not mistaken, this dig site of yours isn’t too far off from most of the proposed sites of the Orb of Glacious Massacre.” With that, the Griffon unfurled his wings and took to the skies.
    The two ponies stood, staring at the Griffon as he flew away; thoughts racing too fast in their heads to find anything to say for several minutes.
    “I’m surprised you're not saying anything,” Light Patch finally said, having found some words. “Like ‘I told you so’.”
    “I’ve read that in times like this, it can be very common to utter an expletive or two,” Moon Dancer muttered. “I’ve currently got a list of about thirty two I’m trying to narrow down.”
    “Ah fair enough. I do hope you go with a good one.”