//------------------------------//
// Chapter 26: It's all gone to shit, Kuppo Two~ Electric Boogaloo~ 
// Story: Caverns & Cutie Marks: Our House Now 
// by TheColtTrio 
//------------------------------//

“Wits,” Twilight said coldly, staring the mint-colored unicorn down. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy moved to stand on either side of her. “What did you do to Trixie?”
    “Do?” Wits shrugged as Trixie came to a stop next to him. “All I did was ask her if she’d be willing to help me out a little bit with teleportation.”
    “You always said Trixie should be more helpful,” Trixie mused at Twilight, silver light glinting in the corner of her eyes.
    Wits saw the look in Twilight’s eyes and grinned. “I might have asked for a few other things since then. She’s been very helpful.”
    “A model assistant,” Trixie agreed. “The Great and Useful Trixie.”
    Rainbow Dash leaned next to Twilight’s ear and whispered. “So… Is she under his control? Or just being a jerk again?”
    “Mind control,” Twilight muttered back immediately, then paused. “Maybe. I mean, like 3 to 2 odds.” She raised her voice, interrupting what was probably clever banter between the two villains. “What do you want, Wits?”
    “Nopony asks what Trixie wants,” the showmare grumbled.
    “To talk,” Wits said. “We have some things unresolved between us.”
    “Romantic tension?” Fluttershy gasped quietly.
    “Not the time,” Rainbow Dash hissed.
    Twilight blinked, then shook her head. “We’ll talk about that later,” she shot back at her companions. “What do you want to talk about, Wits? It’s not too late for you and your friends to come back and for us to work together on this. I’m not mad, or even upset at this point.” She stepped forward, her expression softening. “I’ve been where you are now, Wits. I’ve been confused and searching for my purpose in-”
    “Hey, I’m the villain!” Wits interrupted. “I’m the one who gets to say ‘we can work together’ and ‘we’re not so different, you and I’.” He sighed, and turned to Trixie. “Threw off my entire groove… Now I’ve forgotten my big speech.”
    “Unconditional surrender,” Trixie offered patiently.
    “Right, yes. Thank you.” He turned back to the three Elements of Harmony. “I’m here to offer you the chance for unconditional surrender.”
    “You wanna surrender to us?” Rainbow Dash asked. “Very well, we accept.”
    “Shush, you. By now, I’m sure you’re starting to piece together what I’ve been working on.” Wits had started pacing by now, keeping an eye on the mares at all times. “Let me assure you that what I’m about to say is not an idle or empty threat. I can, and will, conquer all of Equestria before winter falls.”
    “So it’s not a laser that makes you lose your place in your book...” Fluttershy mused.
    Wits paused. “No… but that’s a really good idea. Trixie, take note of that for in-case Twilight starts some sort of underground resistance in my new empire.” He resumed his pacing, his steps losing their dramatic slowness and becoming more energetic as he got into his speech. “From the time I put my plan into motion, you will have no more than a few months before Equestria’s government is toppled and its leaders subsumed into my own.” He paused again. “Subsumed? Assimilated? Whatever, you get the point. I’ve already taken you six into account with my plan, so I recommend you skip the part where you say that you’ll stop me.”
    “But we will stop you!” Rainbow Dash shot back.
    Wits glared at her. “What did I just say about skipping that part?”
    “Told you she’d say that,” Trixie said. “Her next line is ‘you should be the one surrendering to us instead.’”
    Rainbow Dash hovered ahead of the other two mares and pointed a hoof dramatically at Wits. “You should be the one surrendering to us instead!”
    Wits whistled softly. “You called it. They really are predictable, huh?”
    “Trixie has had much experience with this,” Trixie sighed.
    “Um, Twilight?” Fluttershy inched closer to the alicorn, who had been silent while Wits and the others had been talking. “What do we do? If Wits says he has a plan, then he has a plan. Even if it’s not necessarily a, uh... good one.”
    “I heard that!” Wits shouted.
    “Yeah, Twi.” Rainbow Dash dropped back to her place next to Twilight. “It’s three against two. Think we can take’m?”
    Twilight sighed. “You two stay back,” she said slowly as she stepped forward again. “Go get AJ, Rarity, and Pinkie, just in case.” She kept her eyes on Wits End as she moved forward, her expression unreadable. “You know what I got out of your little monologue, Wits?”
    Wits chuckled to himself. “My little monologue: friendship is threatening.”
    “What I got out of it,” Twilight continued, “is that you have a plan that, if you started it, would cause damage across all of Equestria.”
    “Would conquer Equestria,” Wits corrected. “No point in destroying the country you’re planning on ruling.”
    “A plan that you have not yet put into motion.”
    Wits paused. “Well,” he said eventually, “I had to, you know… gloat. That’s what villains do when they have a secret evil plan. They announce it to the world.”
    “So,” Twilight said, coming to a stop a few paces away from Wits End, “That means that if I stop you right now, you won’t be able to cause any more damage.”
    “Ah.” Wits frowned. “Yes. See, I kinda thought you’d try to talk me out of my plan.”
    Twilight grinned wickedly back at him. “I know you, Wits,” she said. “Talking is what you expect.”
    Wits hesitated, glancing at Trixie. He was silent for several seconds as he thought, then a small smirk tugged at the corner of his mouth. “Aaaaand what don’t I expect?” he asked.
    The nearest throne from around the map shot out, slamming into the stallion and sending him crashing through the door. “High intensity violence,” Twilight said nonchalantly.
    Trixie stared at the hole in the door. Slowly, she turned her gaze back to the Princess of Friendship, who had just cold-clocked the villain with furniture. “For the record,” she said shakily, “Trixie’s part of the plan was completely non-violent.”
    Twilight didn’t have time to respond before the throne spun back through the door, the narrow miss sending her mane flying. The doors snapped off their hinges, each one held by three spectral hands. “If you throw another chair at me,” Wits spat, “I’m gonna lose it.”
    “Girls, now!” Twilight’s wings flared as she took off, heading up while Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy broke to either side. Both pegasi screeched to a halt as the map room’s doors slammed into the walls just in front of them. “Lightning Bolt!”
    “What?” Wits looked up, ready to dodge the lightning. He missed a second throne until the last moment, flinging himself out of the way just before it hit him. “That’s cheating!”
    “Real spells don’t have vocal components!” Twilight shot back. Her distraction had given her friends time to get past Wits and out of the castle. Now I just have to buy time, she thought. “How’d you get in?” she called from her place near the ceiling. “I warded the entire castle to keep you out.”
    “Yeah, and only me. Not anypony else. Plus, Trixie had a teleportation recall spell that took priority.” Wits’ hands picked up the remaining thrones, holding them in a rough circle around where he stood. “I’m done monologuing, by the way. You won’t catch me with that one again.”
    “Fine by me.” Twilight grabbed the abandoned doors with her magic and swung them towards Wits. Trixie let out a squeak and vanished, teleporting out of the castle to avoid becoming collateral damage. The doors slammed together, sending dust up from the impact.
    The dust cleared, revealing Wits standing exactly where he had been before. Each door, slammed shut around him, had a pony-sized hole punched out of them right where he was standing. He grinned, and flung the thrones up at Twilight in rapid succession. Each of her own escape routes was blocked by another piece of furniture rapidly approaching.
    Twilight vanished just before the first throne hit her, reappearing behind Wits. “Stop trying to break my castle,” she growled, latching onto his midsection with her magic. She had just enough time to see the grin on his face before he struck.
    A larger magic hand formed above her, snatching her up with a comical ‘squeak’ sound that Twilight was sure Wits had added himself. The hand lashed out, flinging Twilight through one of the crystalline glass windows that ringed the room, and out of the crystal castle. She landed in a sprawl to the gasps of passing ponies.
    Wits End stepped through the remains of the window a moment later. “Stop trying to break my everything,” he snapped, brushing a few stray motes of her magic from his shoulder, “and maybe we can be civil about trying to beat the carp out of each other!” Perfect, he thought. Midpoint of the battle. She recovers slightly, gets the upper-hoof, and takes the battle. Flawless victory.
    Slowly, Twilight got to her hooves again. “What’re you trying to get out of this?” she spat at him. “Why bother with this villain story you’ve come up with for yourself? We both know you don’t want to do this, so why go through with it?”
    That got Wits to pause. “Who says I don’t want to do this?” he asked. “I mean, I’ve gone through all the trouble.”
    “Because if you wanted to be a villain, you wouldn’t bother with evil schemes and dramatic reveals.” Twilight straightened herself, glaring straight at him. “Remember how you dealt with Holdfast?” Wits’ jaw clenched, and Twilight took that as a sign to keep pushing. “If you were serious about taking over Equestria, you’d play the same long game you did with him, just with myself and the other Princesses instead of him.” She saw hesitation enter his expression, and her own face softened. “You can change sides again, Wits. I believe in you.”
    “You don’t.” His words were enough to force her stumbling back. Wits wasn’t even looking at her now. “You don’t now, and you haven’t since you got me out of wherever we were. And unless I conform to whatever your idea of ‘normal Wits End’ is, you won’t believe in me.” He met her eyes, his jaw set. “And that Wits isn’t here right now.”
    For the first time since the fight had started—for the first time since she had found him in Midton—Twilight looked at Wits and truly saw him. Teeth clenched, eyes hard, and hooves faintly trembling. She blinked, and focused again. One foreleg in particular seemed unsteady, and Wits was keeping his weight off of it.
    One foreleg that had a thin scar running from the shoulder down, and leading to a crack that ran from one side of the hoof to the other.
    Something clicked in the back of Twilight’s mind. Her eyes moved back up to his. “And who, exactly, is here?” she asked. Unfortunately, her question wasn’t answered as a shrill cry tore through the air, surprising her and Wits.
    “Twilight!” Rarity cried out as she charged towards the confrontation, “Pardon me, Wits,” she apologized, nearly bowling him over. “I-I-” Rarity’s hooves dug trenches as she skidded to a stop in front of Twilight, stammering from her panic and panting from exhaustion.
    “Rarity, deep breaths,” Twilight soothed, placing a hoof on her panicked friend's shoulder, trying to get her to calm down and explain what had her so worried. After a moment, Twilight glanced at Wits End. The stallion jerked his head towards Rarity and nodded, dismissing the spectral hands around him. Rarity took several deep slow breaths, during which time Light Patch lazily floated down to the growing gathering from one of the upper floor windows.
“Those jokes about him,” Rarity thrust her hoof towards Light Patch, “wanting to watch the world burn might not have been as exaggerated as we’d have all thought.”
“What's he done, suggest you dye your hair blue or use… What was that typeface you three hate? Sans comicals?” Twilight asked, looking at Wits End.
“Comic Sans,” Wits End supplied, glancing at his hovering friend.
“Yes, that one. Has he gone and redone all of your business ads in it or something?”
“Much worse,” Rarity replied.
“Did he doodle on your sketch books? I know a spell that can deal with that quickly, but can we talk about what little pranks Light’s done later? Wits and I were kind of in the middle of something” Twilight interrupted again.
“Time is of the essence Twilight! And why do you assume I’d panic over something as infantile as that?” Rarity countered, a frown on her face. She shook her head. “Nevermind. He’s trying to dig up the Orb of Glacious!” She shouted, pointing at Light Patch. The other three ponies in the room whirled to look at the pegasus with expressions of surprise on their faces.
“Who, me? I did nothing.” Light Patch looked halfway between injured and smug. “I’m just a neutral observer watching as Layered Permafrost cons Moondancer into helping him dig the Orb up. I’m just helping him run a little security,” Light Patch ate one of the cookies slowly, “which is being made harder by the two bandit groups in the area sniffing around now, but hey, maybe I can make them fight each other. That would rather solve the problem, wouldn’t it?” 
    Wits shot a look at Light Patch, eyebrows knitting together. “You seem remarkably nonplussed by all of this,” he said slowly. “I had to work hard to get somepony to want to fight me.” 
    “It was more of a pity fight.” Twilight coughed. “Sorry, that was a cough.”
    “Look, I’m the villain! I’m the one who’s supposed to do the sassing!” Wits turned his focus back to his friend. “Patchy, do you have anything to do with the Orb of Whateveritwas?”
    “Me? Noo, I just heard about it on a tour through some Canterlot museums and figured I’d go see it for myself and just popped out above Layered’s little mining operation. I may have hinted where he might get a more impressive cloak than the burlap potato sack he had been using.” Light Patch mock sniffed and wiped a non existent tear from his eye. “It hurts that no one seems to believe I’m just an observer in this, not even one of my best friends.”
    “And what about the townponies who might get caught up in any fight you start between those bandits?” Rarity accused.
    “Oh please. This is Equestria! You heroes will charge in, beat up the bad guys, save the day, get a little parade, and an article or two in the papers. As a song says, ‘the beat goes on’.” Light Patch shrugged, “Like I said, I’m just helping him with a few little security things when I float on past.”
    Wits frowned. “Small nudges and entertainment don’t sound very neutral. I thought you were watching us for your amusement, not starting your own.” 
    Light Patch rolled his eyes. “But you guys have been so boring~,” he groaned. “One of you’s been building a desperate play for attention, and the other’s been building… well, a play.”
    “‘Play for attention’?” Wits glanced at Twilight before turning his full attention on the pegasus. “It’s not a play for attention! It’s a very serious scheme of evil intent!”
    “With the goal being?”
    “To take over the world!” Wits fell silent for a moment. “Okay, granted. When I say it like that, it does sound kinda lame.”
    Light Patch nodded. “A little, yeah.”
    “Hey man, come on.” Wits managed to catch himself before his hurt tone made it to his expression. He turned to Twilight. “Back me up here, Twi. Taking over the world is a genuine villain plot, right?”
    Twilight stared blankly at the unicorn. After a few seconds, she shrugged.
    “Et tu, Crepusculum? Why aren’t you weighing in on this?”
    “I’m buying time,” Twilight replied.
    “Buying time? Again? For what?”
    The sound of armored hoofbeats filled the air. Twilight raised a forehoof, pointing down the road. “For that.”
    The assembly of ponies turned towards the approaching guard ponies. Twilight’s smug grin shrunk and was replaced by a frown by the time the five armored ponies reached her.
    “I thought there would be more of you,” she muttered. With a shake of her mane, she looked at the lead pony, a red coated mare bearing the liveryed sash of a sergeant. The sergeant stepped forward and removed her helm, giving her yellow mane a sharp toss to rid herself of the helmet hair.
    “Princess Twilight Sparkle,” the sergeant greeted, inclining her head in deference.
    “Sergeant...” Twilight trailed off expectantly.
    “Canterlet, your highness,” the mare replied promptly. “Tibal Canterlet, Sergeant of 10th Squad of the Canterlot Royal Guard. I come with the latest law enacted by the Equestrian Senate as its contents pertains in no small part to you and your constituents.”
    Twilight blinked, sharing surprised looks with the rest of the Elements. “Law?” she echoed. “A law enacted by the Senate I suggested? And what law would that be, pray tell?”
    Tibal pursed her lips and waved a wing at her squad. One of her squadmates stepped forward and pulled out a scroll bound in purple silk from their satchel. With a sharp tug, the silk dropped to the ground and the scroll unfurled. Tibal ignored the scroll and nodded her head at Twilight. The guard pony offered the document and Twilight took hold of it with her magic, frowning at the parchment.
    “‘By order of the Senate of Equestria’,” Twilight read, “‘the Elements of Harmony consisting of the ponies Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Pinkamena Diane Pie, is hereby ordered to cease all current activities and assemble at the Senate Building in Canterlot to await further assignment’.” Twilight looked up from the parchment as the mares crowded around her to read over her shoulder. “This is just an order of summons.”
    Tibal blinked in surprise. “Is it really? That’s annoying.” She threw a meaningful look at the guard pony beside her. The guard dug into their satchel again and pulled out another scroll bound in purple silk. Tibal took the scroll and opened it herself.
    “Aha,” she coughed. “This is the new law.” She held out the scroll for Twilight to read.
    


Ponyville Accords

    The Elements of Harmony, currently consisting of the ponies Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Pinkamena Diane Pie, are, as of (mumble mumble date and fumble), placed under the watch of the newly commissioned Panel of International Situation Solutions (PISS).
    Article I - the Purpose of the Panel of International Situation Solutions (PISS): The Panel of International Situation Solutions (PISS) is tasked with reviewing and assessing the status of any situation within or without the borders of Equestria. The Panel of International Situation Solutions (PISS) has the power to dictate an appropriate response to whatever situation is brought before them.
    Article II - the Elements of Harmony: The Elements of Harmony, and any constituents connected to the group, can only carry out fieldwork if a) the circumstances require the skill and capability of the Elements of Harmony and b) if three (3) members of the Panel of International Situation Solutions (PISS) sign off on the operation. Under NO circumstances are any of the members of the Elements of Harmony, or any constituents connected to the group, allowed to leave the Panel of International Situation Solutions (PISS) HQ without any oversight by no less than three (3) members of the Panel of International Situation Solutions (PISS).


    Tibal rolled up the scroll and returned it to her squadmate while the Elements of Harmony stared slack-jawed at her.
    “Huh... I... didn’t see that one coming.” Light Patch muttered.
    “This reeks of Purple Heart,” Wits added, his eyebrows knitted together in frustration, “and something else I can’t say without ruining the rating.”
    “Guess his plan was more than ‘just do a play’. Looks like he made a bill and took it to Capitol Hill.”
    “A surprise to be sure,” Wits replied, “but a welcome one.” His words drew the attention of the others causing them to notice that he was currently being held by Light Patch so he too could also read the scroll. “What? You lot were crowding around it and I want to read it too.” He tapped the pegasus’ foreleg. “Alright, put me down.”
    Light Patch shrugged. “Your plan still sucks.”
    “...I left myself wide open for that.” Wits twisted out of Light Patch’s grip and landed in front of Tibal. “So, I assume I’m under arrest as well, then?”
    Tibal raised an eyebrow. “And you are?”
    Wits stared at the guardspony for a moment. “Wits End,” he explained. “Evil villain? Just did a whole bit about conquering the world?” He jerked his head at the castle behind them. “Broke that window in an epic battle with the Princess of Friendship?”
    “I see.” Tibal produced a notepad and pen, scribbled something on it, and tore out the top page. “Here.”
    “What’s this?”
    “A ticket for property damage. Pay for the damage caused within 30 days, or pay a fine and for the damage.”
    “I- A- You-” Wits shook his head, taking the ticket. “You’re really gonna just… do me dirty like that?”
    Tibal tilted her head. “I don’t even know who you are.” Wits stood stock still for a few moments before he noticed movement next to him. He turned his head to see Light Patch holding a squeeze tube of burn ointment towards him.
    “You’re mocking me, aren’t you?” Wits End said through gritted teeth as he tried to keep a hold of his anger for his actual target of frustration.
    “Absolutely,” Light Patch replied with a big grin on his face. Wits knocked the tube out of his hoof and faced Tibal again.
Before Wits could start his tirade, Tibal held up a hoof. “Look, I have a schedule to keep, and six Elements of Harmony to haul up to Canterlot. Unless you’re the secret seventh Element of Uselessness, please step aside and let me do my job.”
Wits gasped, clutched his chest, and crumbled to the ground. “Help,” he groaned. “My feelings.” He waited a moment for the guardsmare’s reaction, only to find her stepping over him to escort Rarity and Twilight. Instantly, he was back on his feet. “Oh, come on! Isn’t anyone gonna take me seriously around here?”
“Actually,” Twilight said, putting herself directly in front of Tibal, “as Princess of Friendship and an Element of Harmony, I don’t see why any of us should be answering to some committee when there’s a potential threat right here.” She gestured at Wits End. Tibal eyed the mint-colored colt again for a mere moment before turning back to Twilight.
“Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seemed to me that you had him taken care of when I arrived,” she said. “Therefore, I see no reason to acknowledge him beyond the ticket for property damage. Wouldn’t you say that potential threat has been neutralized?” Tibal donned her helm and stepped aside and gestured for the mares to get a move on. “Now, are you going to come address the senate and attempt to overturn this law? Or do I need to call the higher ups for your insubordination?”
    Twilight sputtered. “Insubordination?” She opened her mouth to continue, but stopped when she saw Wits raise his hoof.
    “Whoever your boss is,” Wits said, “tell them that they’re making a mistake.”
    Tibal sighed. “I’ll make sure it’s in the report. Happy?”
    “Hardly. You’re stealing my protagonists. I am most put-out” Wits turned his focus to Twilight. “Don’t worry. I’ve got a plan.” He turned away before Twilight could respond, glaring at Light Patch as he summoned a magical hand. “You, me, and the bruise. Now.” He snapped the fingers of the hand, and a split second later he was enveloped in a deep blue cloud. When the cloud dissipated, Wits was gone.
    Light Patch shrugged. “Have fun with bureaucracy,” he said, trotting away and vanishing behind a corner.
    Rarity leaned next to Twilight. “Did Wits End seem different to you?” she asked.
    “Yes,” Twilight muttered back. “They both did, in a couple of ways.”
    “So now what do we do?”
    “Now?” Twilight shook her head. “We bring this up before a committee.”


* * *


    Ominous lights came on from the improvised halo-esque lamp hanging over the cavernous room’s central table. Aside from the set of maps and lanterns that were scattered about from the last time the room was used, it was completely empty.
    Wits kicked the door open with one hindhoof. “Purple Heart, holy f-” His exclamation cut off as he stared at the empty basement, his words echoing faintly. “Great,” he muttered as he entered, “and he’s late to his own flank-whooping. Where is everyone?”
    “Sorry, I had to pop the corn and find my glasses,” Light Patch said, strutting up to his chair. “If you’d like, I could try to find him to bring him in. But it might take some time.” The grey pegasus adjusted the cyan magenta lensed glasses he wore before checking his burned chair for structural integrity.
    “I do not have enough time,” Wits retorted, putting over-emphasis on the words. “This boiling rage of mine’s liable to burn out if I don’t aim it at him soon enough. I’m calling a friend.” Two spectral hands appeared over the unicorn’s head and clapped twice.
     A moment later, Trixie appeared next to Wits in a flash of magenta light. “You know,” she huffed, “the deal was that Trixie teleports you, not that you tell Trixie to teleport Tri-” She paused, taking in the room. “Hmm, evil garbage dump, an interesting design style.”
    “I’ll explain the joke later.” Wits sighed. “I need you to fetch someone for me.”
    “The Great and Powerful Trixie does not fetch.”
    “Unwillingly and potentially violently invite them, then.” Wits turned to Light Patch. “You got something of Purple Heart’s? I need a quick tracking spell.”
    “No, but I can have something for you shortly,” Light Patch said, suddenly turning and opening a portal in front of himself. The pegasus reached in and dragged Purple Heart through it. “Hi. This will be quick. I just need to borrow something from you.”
    “Whadahammawah?” Purple Heart articulated. Anything else the purple colt intended to say came out as a random deluge of vowels and consonants as Light Patch shook him violently. An empty money clip fell out of the purple pony’s clothes.
    “This will do. Thanks.” Light threw his friend back through the portal. He picked the money clip and held it out to Wits. “Here you go: one item of PH’s.”
    Wits End stared at the offered money clip for a good long while, while Trixie stared incredulously at Light Patch himself. “Really?” Wits asked eventually.
    Light Patch shrugged. “Rule of Funny.”
    “Of course…” Wits snatched up the money clip with a magical hand and passed it to Trixie. “Can you target him with that?”
    Trixie shook herself out of the stunned silence, taking the wallet with her own magic. “His magical signature is a bit… odd,” she mused. “I could track him, but outright teleporting him without physical contact is out of the question.”
    “That’s fine. Just make sure you have some momentum before you grab him. He’s a slippery bugger.”
    Trixie blinked. “Momentum?”
    Wits snapped his spectral fingers, and Trixie vanished in another burst of light. “Pause for dramatic effect…” he muttered. “And… now.”
    There was another burst of light, which faded to reveal a very frazzled Trixie clinging to an equally confused Purple Heart. “Falling from 500 yards above Canterlot Castle?” Trixie wheezed. “THAT was your plan?”
    Wits shrugged. “Momentum.”
    “Whadafrak is going on in this madhouse?” Purple Heart mumbled as he hung limp in Trixie’s grip. “First, Light yoinks me away from a particularly enjoyable meal of raw fish to shake the living snot outta me, then chuck me onto said enjoyable meal of raw fish. Second, just as I’m about to grab a hunk of wasabi to shove in somepony’s unsympathetic gob, this one pops up, grabs me, and ports me here. I demand a refund! These friends are clearly defective!”
    “First of all,” Wits retorted, “ouch, feelings. But more importantly, I called you here because I’m calling in our alliance.” He turned on Light Patch. “All of us. None of your grey knight, despicable neutral malarky this time.” He shifted so that he could look at both of them, Trixie stumbling away to sit in a chair nearby. “I need to get the Panel of International Situation Solutions disbanded. Any idea whose idea it was?”
    Purple Heart nodded. “Yeah. Mine.”
    “Not that it wouldn’t be fun watching the two of you slug it out in my little conference room here, but I do have to admit that I’d also like to know when you went and created and took over the Senate. I thought your evil plan was just a play about how unfair all of this is and to get Discord into a little trouble,” Light Patch chimed in, tilting his bag of popcorn towards the others in the room.
    Purple Heart shrugged. “All I really had planned from the start was to run a show that cast doubt on Celestia and Luna while getting Discord gone,” the purple earth pony replied. He stepped over to the table and sat, leaning back with his forelegs crossed behind his head. “As for the senate, that was already a thing. Somehow, Celestia and Luna gave permission for its creation and I just went along with it, utilizing their needs to fulfill my own.” He looked at Wits, allowing a small grin to curve his lips as he considered the cloud of steam collecting above the mint-colored unicorn's head. “I take it you aren’t particularly enthused with the existence of the Panel of International Situation Solutions, hm?”
    “I AM NOT.” One of Wits’ eyes had developed a twitch while the other two were talking. “Seriously? Ponyville? Accords? Targeting, specifically, the six most powerful and important ponies in this world? The six ponies who can, specifically, provide any semblance of a challenge? The six ponies who I am, specifically, trying to be the main villain for?” The steam around the unicorn’s head was beginning to coalesce into smoke. “Those. Ponies. Specifically?”
    “Sure sounds like them,” Purple Heart said offhandedly.
    For a moment, the smoke around Wits’ head seemed to burst into flames, accompanied with a strangled cry of outrage. “Why?!” He shouted once he had control over his utterances again. “We had a deal to stay out of each other’s way! It was literally the only thing we agreed on! You had! One! Job!” 
The rest of Wits End’s words died in his throat. He took a deep breath, held it, then let it out. “Undo it,” he said flatly. “Disband the panel. Make it not.”
“Why?” Wits nearly had an aneurysm at the purple pony’s monosyllabic response. “I’ve successfully hamstrung any potent magical opposition to our plans. Once I get a few more bills in the senate, I’ll be able to limit the other Princesses as well. Then all we have to worry about are martial responses and I’d like to think that the three of us can handle traitor guard ponies or mere rabble.” Purple Heart grinned widely. “We once had strings, but now we’re free.”
Wits pointed a forehoof at Purple Heart. “No. No no no. You’re missing the point. There’s a whole thing I have planned out that doesn’t work if they have to wait for a bunch of paper-pushers to find room in the budget to save the world! My plan was in motion! My plan was practically finished! And now it’s practically ruined! The only way I can salvage this is to turn it into an ‘enemy of my enemy’ moment!” He punctuated his point by stomping a hoof on the floor. “So, fix the thing.”
    “Not that I have any real stake in any of this, but it would be more enjoyable if the girls were able to act against you two without having to have orders signed in triplicate.” Light Patch shrugged, taking another hoof-full of popcorn to munch on.
    “Enjoyable?” Wits turned his glare on the pegasus, walking towards the table as he spoke. “You of all people are in no position to talk about what would be more ‘enjoyable’. Safe on the sidelines telling everyone who’ll listen that they ‘can’t tag you ‘cause you’re not playing’, all the while doing what I’m sure are perfectly neutral things up in the north with bandits and bookworms!” He slammed his forehooves on the table, letting out a gust of air through his nose. “You are, have been, and continue to be the worst neutral party I’ve ever heard of. What have you been planning all this time, huh?” Light Patch waited to see if the rant of his friend was done before tossing the bag of popcorn behind him, the sleazy relaxed look draining from his face.
    “Okay. Maybe I have been up to something, and since I did found this little group to try and better keep track of you two and your plans, I guess it’s fair for it to be turned against me.”
He sat up in his chair and focused on the other two as the circular light centered over the table dimmed causing most of the walls to fade into the shadows. “But, fair is fair. You want me to lay my cards on the table? I will. If you both show your full hands, no lies or half truths.”
    Purple Heart’s smile shrunk to a thin line that twisted into a contemplative frown as he mulled over the words of his friend. “Control,” he said stiffly, eyeing Wits and Light. “Showing Discord and the rest of them what it’s like to dance to someone else’s tune.” He barked a laugh. “Doesn’t make me any better than that Q knock-off, but it sure as hell feels good.”
    “I can see how the whole dance puppet dance routine can feel good,” Light Patch admitted. He turned to Wits. “So what about you, Oh Glorious Saturday Morning Cartoon Overlord?”
    “Why don’t you share next? Everyone here seems to think they already know my plan.” Wits replied, looking at Light Patch suspicion dripping from his voice.
    “I just thought that since all of this seemed to have come about from your and Purple’s plans butting heads, we might want to get your plans out into the air first,” Light Patch replied with a shrug.
    “So we can start arguing and forget all about your little promise to share?” Wits snarked, feeling further vindicated by the small nod from Purple Heart as well as a slight twitching in Light Patch’s eyes.
    “That was never my intention, but if it makes you both feel any better, I’ll swear a Pinkie Promise that even if I have to sit here all night listening to you two argue, I won’t leave the room until I share.” Light Patch said resolutely. He sighed at the three expectant faces staring at him. “Fine. I promise I won’t leave this room until I’ve shared my plans with you both, cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.” He quickly made the required gestures and promptly shuddered right at the end as a sudden chill raced along his spine. “Now that I’ve sold my soul to the cartodrich abomination that is Pinkie, I’m still going last.”
    Wits scoffed. “You really think that’s any consolation to us? You could just go back on it the moment I finish.”
    “No, no,” Trixie said. She’d moved her chair away from the table, and had recovered the bag of popcorn. “He’s locked in now. It’s either talk, or eternal candy-colored Tartarus.” She popped another kernel into her mouth.
    Wits blinked. “Terrifying, but okay. Make it so you can’t hear us for a bit.”
    Trixie missed her mouth with a tossed kernel. “What? Why?”
    “Because it’s a secret plan. I can’t have everypony hearing the intricate details of my plan to take over the world. Now, cover the ears. With magic, if you please.”
Once Trixie’s ears were encapsulated in a magical aura, Wits turned back to the other two colts. “You want the truth? The big secret of my obviously evil campaign to destroy Equestria as we know it? ‘Tis a plan so cunning you could plug holes in it and call it Queen Chrysalis. The greatest plot ever played.” He leaned in, cupping a hoof around his mouth. 
He paused. The plan was pretty well set in Wits’ mind: be a big enough threat for Twilight and the others to take seriously, then to lose and let himself be reformed. However, telling these two that his plan was to lose seemed… out of place, somehow. Surely, if he wanted to have the Elements of Harmony defeat him, Purple Heart could pull strings with P.I.S.S. to make it happen, right? That seemed too easy. Wits wanted to earn his defeat.
“World conquest,” he said plainly. “Full Paradox Grand Strategy mode. I plan on one-tagging this planet, and setting myself up as an immortal god-emperor or something like that. If I can take Equestria, the rest of the world will fall in line.” He motioned to Trixie, who dropped the deafening spell. “Of course, all that requires the Elements to be at their full strength.” He paused, then shot a glare at Purple Heart. “And for my friends to not be in my way.”
    Purple Heart blinked once, twice, coughed, blinked again, then shoved a hoof-full of popcorn into his mouth. “Well… that certainly sounds plan-like,” Purple Heart mused. “How about this: for the sake of The Friendship That Once Was™, I’ll try to get the Panel to allow the Elements just enough room to be properly adversarial for you, okay? I still need them out of my way so I can ‘Become The Senate’. Sound fair?”
    Wits thought for a moment. “So I get just enough rope to hog-tie myself, huh? That still leaves the problem of having to watch you get your flank handed to you by Kermit at some point.” He paused. “Actually, that sounds like a darn good show. The real problem is that I gotta make myself look like a credible threat again after your pet panel interrupted my Disc One Boss Fight.” 
    Purple Heart shrugged. “That sounds like a you problem.”
There was silence for a good five beats. “...Well played,” Wits sighed. “I’ll need to think of a back-up sinister plot to get the Ponypuff Girls to take me seriously again… I’ll get back to you on that.” 
    “Have you had a chance to go through those notes I’ve given you, I could still use some help with that little idea of mine.” Light Patch chimed in during the lull.
    “I am morally opposed to being helpful in any way,” Wits replied immediately. “Not until I know what the heck you’re trying to do. Spill the legumes, ‘neutral party’.”
    “Fine, fine. I’m looking to find a way for us to get ourselves home, independent of Twilight, I appreciate the help so far she’s running oh for two. Those notes are my thoughts on making a portal that just sort of came to me. I suspect it’s Discord's magic, hence why I wanted somepony else to check my homework before I potentially collapse all of reality or accidentally cause two realities to… bleed into each other...” Light Patch trailed off, his eyes growing slightly cloudy as he stared off in thought.
    A summoned hand snapped its fingers next to the pegasus’ head. “Equestria to Light Patch,” Wits said. “Multiversal calamity is a constant threat when the three of us are involved. Heck, we are the multiversal calamity right now. So, the point, get to it.”
    “Sorry, I was just consid- realizing how easy it could be to just cause two realities to merge like soap bubbles.” The pegasus replied, his eyes focusing again as he looked at the group.
    “In any case I was wondering if you’d had time to check my notes and see if you think they could actually work. I could also use some help actually casting the spell, I’d rather bring in a unicorn I know than one I’ve just seen from snippets of a cartoon.” He looked at Trixie, “Uh no offense.”
    Trixie looked up from her popcorn. “Who are you again?
    “Don’t encourage him,” Wits cut in. “Yes, I checked your notes. Yes, it’s theoretically possible. No, it’s not as easy as keying in chevrons and hitting the big red button. You need a big frack-off power source, something to target the dimension you’re trying to reach, and something powerful enough on your side of the portal to keep the entire plane of existence from getting flushed through the resulting wormhole.” He paused for a moment, checking the faces of his audience. “So no, you’re not getting a scale model of  any such device either.”
    Light Patch hid a smile behind a hooffull of popcorn. “And if I was to have a big frack off powersource almost in my grasp, think you’d have a little spare time to help me holepunch reality? Or is that beyond even the Great and Powerful Wits End?” Light shot another apologetic look at Trixie as if that alone was a second apology.
    “Flattery will get your foot in the door,” Wits replied flatly. There was a moment where he paused, as if debating with himself. Then, a smirk pulled up one corner of his mouth. “I’ll work on it. You’ll know when it’s done.”
    “Sounds like a plan I’m sure you have other things to get to so if you wanna bounce nows as good as later.” Light Patch said with a distracted smile on his face before he turned to Purple Heart. “Before you go I was hoping we could maybe discuss some ways you could fold that Bureaucracy into a hat I might find useful.”
    Trixie raised a hoof. “Quick question,” she asked. “If the purple one wants to usurp Equestria, and Wits wants to conquer Equestria, and there’s only one Equestria… doesn’t that mean you two aren’t on the same side after all? Like… One of you is gonna have to beat the other.”
    The two colts stared at her for a full second. Eventually, Purple Heart dropped his forehoof on the table with a resounding thud. “Carp.”
    “I knew I was missing something,” Wits muttered, rubbing his forehead. “This was so much easier when I assumed PH’s goal was to recreate Hamilton with pigs.”
    “Not to mention.” Trixie chomped down another hoof-full of popcorn. “The grey one’s plan didn’t make much sense, but it sounded like there was a threat of the world exploding? That’d put a damper on the whole world-conquering thing too.” She paused to swallow. “Whatever plan that was in the first place. Trixie wasn’t really paying attention.”
    “Oh come on I make tasty spinach puffs doesn’t that earn me… no that probably just earned you remember my coat color.” Light Patch sighed, “My plan is to fold our home reality into Equestria’s reality. I might also include the reality Sunset lives in, it shouldn’t take too much extra power...” Light Patch started to doodle some math on his napkin.
    “Hol’ up.” Wits held up a forehoof. “Before you said your plan was to get us back home. Not to bring home here. Are you retconning this plot in real time?”
    “No… maybe,” the cloudy look to Light Patch’s eyes started to return again, “I think I just realized that it would be rather easy and all you’d need is a little extra power to help fold everything together carefully. It’d be like a snap really and suddenly our solar system has a new neighbor, or two.”
    Trixie cleared her throat. “That still sounds like it has the potential to destroy the world. Or the solar system. Maybe three solar systems, really.”
    “Three realities to be specific.”
    Purple Heart blinked once. “Oh, look. A wild impasse appeared,” he groaned, tilting his head back. “Maybe I should have ticked the ‘lock teams’ box when I started hosting this thing.”
    “Well,” Wits said, “we got ourselves a real jingle-jangle of a problem here, then.” He shot a look at Purple Heart. “I got no intentions of being anyone’s puppet or dealing with the shadow government,” his gaze turned to Light Patch, “and I kinda need there to still be a world for me to conquer.” He fell silent for a few seconds, then nodded. “I have an idea.”
    The unicorn tossed his remaining popcorn kernels onto the table. “We obviously can’t work together, but there’s no reason why we have to change sides entirely.” Hands appeared, separating the kernels into two distinct groups: three on one side, and the rest on the other. “We agree not to actively get in each other’s way. No help, no hinderance, just… friendly communication from a distance. Whoever’s plan succeeds first,” one hand brushed all but the three kernels onto the ground, “gets the world.”
    Purple Heart raised an eyebrow. “And what happens after that?”
    Wits shrugged. “We’ll figure that out when we get there.” The hand raised two fingers, then slammed them into the table, squishing two of the remaining pieces of popcorn. Wits stared at the result. “That was an accident, and in no way reflects my intentions.”
    “Riiiiiiiight,” Purple Heart drawled as he stood. “Well! Since the level of hostility has risen dramatically, I believe I’ll be on my way.” He looked around the room speculatively. “Not that I expect a straight answer, but you wouldn’t happen to have installed a door to this place, did you, Light? I mean, the primary mode of entry seems to be teleportation or portals, but I don’t really trust any of you to not drop me in a volcano or a pit of nope ropes.”
    “Fair enough I guess. Go through the poorly painted curtains and you’ll see some charred stairs. I’d stick to the bits near the wall, though. They didn't seem as burned. Then it’s just down the hall, over the rubble pile, and past the front door.”
    “Don’t you mean through the front door?”
    “No. Past. There are holes on both sides and besides that, the heat of the fire seems to have melted the door hinges into the frame so it doesn’t open right anymore.”
     Purple Heart blinked. “Soooo… I gotta brute force my way out? I think this domicile has enough holes as is, don’t you think?”
    The pegasus looked at his friend before sighing. “There are holes in the wall on both sides of the door, you don’t have to brute force anything. And I think the door is the only thing holding up that entire wall.”
    “Ahuh...” Purple Heart hummed. He looked at the three ponies and nodded. “Well then, cheerio.” He turned and walked out of the room through the poorly painted curtains with little aplomb. A small exaltation of ‘aha!’ was the last thing the trio heard before silence returned.
    “Do you think I should have warned him we’re up in the frozen wastes beyond even the Crystal Empire?” Light Patch asked, looking at Wits.
    “Is that where we are?” Wits looked up from cleaning up his spilled popcorn. “I mean, he’s probably…” He frowned, then nodded towards Trixie. The mare rolled her eyes and teleported away, only to reappear a few seconds later.
    “He’s back at his meal,” she said. “Ready to go?”
    “In a sec.” Wits straightened back up and looked at Light Patch. “One question. You do realize that the world is where we are, right? You burn the world, that includes us.”
    “That does seem to be the general consensus,” Light Patch replied with a half hearted shrug. “I’m sure I won’t be the end of three realities. It really doesn’t seem that hard. Just kinda like folding them together really.”
    “I was afraid of that.” Wits summoned a hand, ready to snap its fingers, but paused. He sighed, dismissing the hand, and turned to Trixie. “Let’s go. No flashy tricks this time.” A moment later, the two unicorns vanished in a burst of light.
    Light Patch sat in the dim light for a few minutes before he got up and cleaned up the popcorn he’d tossed aside earlier. He then walked to the same exit Purple Heart had left by. He turned and took one last look in the room. “So much for all of the work I put into making this place half presentable... I guess I could still use it with Moon Dancer,” he muttered, flicking the light off as the door quietly slid shut.