//------------------------------// // Chapter Forty Four: Defragmenting // Story: We don't go to Sub-Level Five // by RadBunny //------------------------------// It was a long time before Sassi finally got control of herself, wiping her eyes and shaking her head. “Sorry. Just…I can’t really explain it now. I want to, but the right words aren’t easy to find,” she finally said, Astral letting out a soft chuckle. “I figured there was something building, along with stuff you’re not telling me, or can’t. You mentioned it, but I’m not going to press things. I just want to help however I can. I know our date was a big step too.” “Well, this helps quite a bit,” she said softly, burying her head into his neck and sighing happily. “How do you still smell amazing after being in a suit of armor for an entire day? Like, wow. And I thought the jungle smelled good.” She was able to feel Astral’s face and neck heat up, the stallion only letting out a soft “Uh…I’m…” “Hey, you’re not the only one who knows how to flirt. Just mostly.” “I never said I was, and I’m not about to complain,” Astral replied. Sassi felt a smile slide onto his face. She was quiet for a moment, finally taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. “I’m just having trouble with the two worlds. If I can try to explain it. You deserve that at least,” she said, struggling to process the storm of thoughts and emotions into a coherent sentence. “The world I’ve lived in is wrong. Flask told me, and I guess I logically knew it. But now I’m forced to confront the right world, your world is now here. And it doesn’t fit into this one. It shouldn’t be here. Everything familiar is just…gone.” She paused, taking a shaky breath. “I was able to ignore that fact before. In the apartment it was distant. The jungle floor was more of a change with me. But now I can’t ignore the Silo. I’m never going back to how things were, how things always were,” she paused, “how I feel things should be, even if it is so, so very wrong. It was still my home, my normal. And that’s g-gone.” Astral couldn’t say much to that. What he could do was scoot a bit closer and tighten his hug ever so slightly. Resting the side of his head against Sassi’s, he let out a soft sigh. “That sounds like one monster of a conflict,” he admitted. “And I don’t really have any answers.” “Ironic, since you are the answer.” “Come again?” he asked, Sassi shaking her head. “You just keep proving how wrong my world was, how sick and twisted a life down here really was. I don’t want you to stop, but I don’t know how to adjust to the idea of a new world. A new ‘normal.’” Her hold around the stallion tightened at that, Sassi’s voice dropping to a whisper. “I don’t want that to stop. You don’t belong here, the world you’re a part of doesn’t. But it’s the world I want to be a part of. I just don’t know how to mesh the two. I don’t even know if I belong in a world outside of this one. I want to think I do.” Once again, Astral didn’t have a response to that. What could he say? Sassi was going through something so alien to himself, at least in scope, any advice would pale in comparison. The shift from an outwardly confident mare to one who was having some serious doubts was abrupt enough. Add in the massive scope of it all, and it left Astral empty for solid answers. In this case, there wasn’t a quick fix. “Well, all I can promise is to be here for you,” he finally said. “I think everyone, yourself included deserves to have a world other than this wretched place, and most certainly belongs there. The fact you’re letting me hug you is key enough that times like this mean a lot more to you than I originally thought.” A soft sniffle was Sassi’s reply to that, confirming Astral’s words. “I’m certainly not going anywhere. So, if you need me, let me know. Even if it’s for something like a hug.” “I’ll hold you to that,” she countered, letting out a soft squeak as Astral tightened his hold briefly. “I’ll do my best to meet your hug quota. But hey, one day down, two to go. Then we meet up with the scientists and we’re out.” For some reason, that didn’t provoke the upbeat response Astral was anticipating. Instead, Sassi seemed to shrink slightly, finally letting go with a numb nod. He wasn’t stupid, far from it. There was a mountain of things Sassi clearly wasn’t telling him, for one reason or another. And any mentioning of the scientists seemed to spark a distancing gesture from her. There were a lot of unknowns. And yet here he was, happily hugging her if she needed it. Astral couldn’t help it, not that he’d want to change that fact. He still wanted to learn more about the mare underneath the now-figurative armor. And if that meant not prying into things until Sassi was ready, so be it. She had already taken a huge step in showing how much she trusted him with the physical contact. He wasn’t about to push things. She was trying her best. That was all anyone could ask. Astral trusted her, and that was enough for him. Setting their armor next to the sofa, Astral dug out a smaller ration pack after double-checking the door. It was a heavy model and would give more than enough time to slide in the battle-harnesses of their guns. Sassi flopped down on the other end of the sofa, the Thestral’s ears were flat against her skull as her violet eyes darted across the floor. As she was clearly in thought, Astral snagged another of their FREs and slid it over to her. Downing their food in silence, Astral made sure to bag up the remnants (just in case the Skitters that had a good nose were about) and took a brief look at the computer consoles. He didn’t understand a lot of it, but the fact most of the monitoring lights were green seemed to be a good thing. Green lights, good. That’s about the limit of my technical expertise with using this system. His limbs now visibly starting to shake, Astral decide to call it quits. His mind was fuzzy, the detox having taken its toll. Astral trotted back to the couch with a yawn, flicking the lights to a dim glow without any objection from Sassi. Putting on his helmet, he quickly rigged up a familiar motion-detection alarm on the door, this time with external speakers. A piece of string and rogue metal, and it was as good as any. Carefully setting the helmet down, Astral then flopped onto the couch with a sigh. It had only been a day, but it certainly had felt like longer. Somehow the multiple life-and-death scenarios were muted, a part of him almost feeling energized at the experience. But most of the stallion felt like it had been put through a blender and then pounded into a vaguely-pony shape. He was tired. Turning his attention to Sassi, she hadn’t moved much from her couch position, and that ate at Astral. She very clearly was not ok. It made the stallion’s heart ache to see her so clearly troubled. “Anything I can do for you?” he asked softly. “Motion alarm is set, and we should be safe here to get some sleep. The cameras look like they’re for this floor, and it’s all clear.” “Thank you, Astral,” she finally said, now yawning herself. The mare seemed to be battling internally as he got comfy on the other end of the couch. “Warning. Temporary power failure of lighting systems,” an obnoxiously familiar voice sounded out through the room speakers. Right on cue, the already dim lights shut off. “Lovely,” Astral muttered. Even with his inherent night vision, the soft emergency lights in the room barely allowed him to see anything other than dim outlines. He sighed, shrugging as he curled up on the couch. The bonus of having a decent amount of fur was that a blanket was optional, at least at this temperature. “Astral?” The tone of Sassi’s voice immediately made him look over in her direction. It was the increasingly common soft, and almost shy inflections that he had started to expect from her at times. “What’s up?” he asked, a frustrated sigh leaving Sassi’s mouth. “Well, I’m still not doing so great,” she admitted. “I figured. You weren’t exactly subtle. Aside from nearly collapsing coming in here, the explanation you gave made my head hurt. You’ve also barely moved.” She smiled weakly, fangs glinting in the nearly nonexistent light. “That’s true enough. I could use some help though.” “I, uh, don’t follow?” he replied, head tilting curiously. “I just-I meant what I said back during our date,” she explained, “but it’s still hard for me to process it all. Just the…” the words drifted off. “Hugs and such?” he suggested. “Hugs and such. I don’t know what would help right now.” Pausing for a moment, Astral couldn’t help but let out an amused huff. “You’re the mare with a psychology degree, but isn’t it a bit premature to try to overcome a decade or two of conditioning, unwanted advances, physical contact, and an entire way of life in like, a month?” A soft laugh met Astral’s ears, the mare nodding. “Ok, that’s fair enough. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be frustrated by it. To that end, I’d prefer to not be curled up here all alone. If…that’s ok,” her voice trailed off, an embarrassed tone making her last few words barely above a whisper. “You do understand that this makes me feel rather guilty,” Astral admitted, Sassi glancing over to him curiously. “There’re very few reasons I’d ever not be ok with that, considering the gorgeous mare in question. But I don’t want to have that all come at your expense. So, in a word? Yes. In more than a few words, well, I already explained that.” Sassi stared at him, finally glaring at the stallion. A familiar bit of playfulness ignited in her violet gaze, a blush highlighting her hidden freckles and pushing aside the previously troubled look. “Just shut up and scoot over, Astral.” Astral tried to muffle his laugh as he did so, adjusting his limbs as Sassi flopped down next to him. “I do appreciate the thought though,” she added softly. “That’s why I said it. I just want to be open,” Astral added. He then rested his head on a cushion with a yawn, getting ready to doze off. The stallion then nearly let out a yelp of surprise as Sassi flopped her head on his upper back, the stallion’s face immediately burning. However, Sassi immediately sighing in relief lessened the embarrassment. If it helped that much, he wasn’t about to oppose. Not that he would anyway. The simple, comforting touch made the tension bleed out of his shoulders. She didn’t say anything for a few moments, finally sighing. “I just want to stop thinking,” the mare said. “I go round and round in circles. No training works, no logic, it’s just…” Sassi’s voice drifted off. “It just spins around. Knowing there’s someone here helps,” she paused, “a lame explanation, but the best I can do.” “Well, if cuddling with me helps, I’m not opposed in the slightest,” Astral managed to say despite feeling his ears burn with a blush. “But it’d be nicer if it wasn’t at your expense, and I’d be lying if I wasn’t looking forward to a time when that isn’t the case.” Astral’s ears perked as a soft *eep* reached them, the stallion looking over at the now bright-red Sassi. “Uh, Sassi?” “I never really paired that word with…this.” “Eh, first time for everything, cuddling included. I can’t think of a better cause,” he mused with a cheerful grin. “Wait. You’ve never-?” “Been this close to anyone? Or rather, mares? I certainly haven’t cuddled Gabbro,” Astral replied, “but considering how he is, I doubt he’d object. But no, not really. I just haven’t had many opportunities. A few brief moments on dates, but that’s about it. Just never the right creature or time till now. I’m not usually a huggy pony, at least casually. I like my physical bubble. So, this is a bit new to me too, not wanting to scoot away. I don’t have much experience with this.” Sassi was quiet, very quiet for a few moments. “I’m actually surprised,” she admitted, the increasingly-common shy tone resurfacing. “Sassi, did you really think I was that much of a mare-magnet?” “I wasn’t sure!” she protested with a huff, head flopping into his upper back. “But considering how I see you it wouldn’t have surprised me.” Astral had to pause for a moment, emotion clogging his throat as the full weight of Sassi’s words settled. It took quite a bit of self-control not to pull her close as warmth fluttered in his chest. “That’s really sweet, Sassi,” he finally said, “thank you.” “Just telling the truth.” “Well, I assume you haven’t been this close in this manner, so I suppose get to add this to the list of ‘first-time things together.’ That, and FRE’s.” Another soft squeak and Astral craned his neck over to see Sassi staring at him with wide, surprised eyes. “What?” “Just,” she shrugged, eyes narrowing in thought as they darted away from his. “It’s a new thing. Being able to be on the same page as someone else is appealing, sharing something like that, even if it’s simple. It’s a lot more attractive than I thought. I never really got to have a first-time anything with friends. Or anyone outside of Flask. Not in a meaningful way at least.” “Huh. Well, considering I’ve never been in this type of situation in my life, the past few weeks have been a lot of ‘Sassi and Astral firsts,’” Astral mused, a tender smile sliding onto his face. “And I’m quite happy to have shared those with you, military rations or otherwise.” That earned another blush, something Astral was quickly appreciating more and more. He had started to pick out the freckles under her eyes better now. They were only visible when she blushed rather furiously… He was totally going to mention that sometime, but not now. It made his heart flutter as Sassi clearly was calming down, and Astral wasn’t about to lie to himself and say he hadn’t wondered how nice this sort of situation would be. Such thoughts hadn’t been present for a while though. Their date in the jungle had reignited parts of Astral’s heart that the stallion thought was long since forgotten. Parts he had tried to forget. “I missed this,” Sassi whispered, her head buried into the fur near Astral’s neck as she began to doze. “I really did.” With a gentle brush of his forelimb to let her know its position, Astral draped it gently across the mare’s shoulders. She approved because a content sigh left her lips as Sassi relaxed. Her sides rose and fell evenly, the mare quickly falling asleep within moments. Astral had wondered what a moment like this would be like. As it turned out, he had vastly underestimated how lovely it was. The simple comfort of another pony he trusted being this close was made all the sweeter by their current situation. Nobody else knew their challenges, their struggles. He was only alive thanks to one mare, and she was currently asleep on his shoulder. He couldn’t help but realize that Sassi was warm. Sure, he had noticed it before, but with a slightly chilly atmosphere, it was made all the more apparent. Like a weighted, heated blanket. And somehow I’m ok with her being this close. It had been years since Astral had let himself wonder about moments like this. In the darker times after the court case, when he had been all but a pariah in multiple cities. It had been easier to just ignore a future that wouldn’t likely happen. What mare would ever want to associate with the Monster of Fillydelphia? But before that… Sassi wasn’t the only one who had buried hopes and feelings. That thought made Astral’s gaze drift to the floor. He knew that he had avoided other parts of himself out of fear, both those related to the Case and not. Why focus on something that was so far out of reach? Why ruminate over a dream that he never thought could happen? A simple fact was now starting to be hammered into his heart. Sassi’s actions were clear enough, their interactions a few hours ago on their date should have solidified it all. But the fact she snuggled a bit closer in her sleep made the Thestral’s green eyes dampen abruptly. Someone trusts me that much, cares that much about me. How long has it been since I stopped dreaming of that? Stopped getting a genuine thrill at the thought that someone was out there. That out of millions of stars, one of them might… As he dozed off, Astral couldn’t help but smile. We’re there for each other, to whatever end that may be.