Once upon a time in the magical land of Etceteria, there were two fancy sisters who kept things going. To do this, the older sister controlled the sun and the younger one controlled the moon. This allowed the ponies below to keep a regular schedule. Over time, however, the younger sister became resentful. The ponies slept and worked peacefully during the day, while they disrupted her tranquil evenings with wild all-night parties. Worst of all, they never invited her. All she wanted was a one-night stand. One day, she refused to lower the moon. The older sister tried to reason with her, but the lust in the young one’s heart had transformed her into a kinky mare of darkness: Dominatrix Moon! She vowed the night would not end until she scored with at least one hot stallion (or mare; she wasn’t picky). Reluctantly, the older sister used the most powerful magic known to horsies: the Elements of Comedy. Using them, she defeated her sister and put her in a thousand-year time-out on the moon, thus solving the problem permanently.
“What a bunch of hooey!”
My Little Pony: Friendship is Overrated
Twilight Novel trotted along towards her room in the Cantaloupe Palace. Three ponies noticed her and caught up.
“Hey Twilight!” one of them yelled. “Moonflasher’s havin’ a drinking contest in the west castle courtyard! Wanna try your luck?”
“Nah, I’ve got some catching up to do,” she replied.
“You mean those novels you’ve been reading?” the stranger pony asked. “I swear; you care more about your stories than your pals!”
“Blah, blah, blah,” Twilight mocked as she headed up the stairs.
Twilight Novel was not a physically impressive unicorn. Her skinny frame was covered in a pale violet coat and a dark bluish-purple mane and tail. She wore braces in her mouth and a pair of big dorky glasses on her face. Her magic butt tattoo was also unimpressive: it just looked like someone had poured glitter in her toilet and it had splashed on her as she took a dump. Some ponies believe that’s exactly what happened. Now, back to the story…
Twilight Novel bounded up the stairs and into her room. “Okay,” she sighed to herself, “time for a new story.” She shuffled through the enormous pile of books, hoping to find something she hadn’t read yet. “Ah, here’s something,” she said at last. “’The Mare in the Moon’? Sounds interesting.” She started to read:
“Legend says that on Middle-of-Summer Day in the year 12345, Dominatrix Moon will escape from her time-out corner on the moon and create a reeeeeally long night. Huh, I wonder why the writer put so many ‘e’s in ‘really’. Oh, and what a coincidence! The date in there is tomorrow. Oh well, at least it’s not real.” She closed the book, but noticed a library label on its binder. “Non-fiction?! How did this end up in here? This is totally lame. I’m taking this back.” She turned and saw her pet iguana Mike staring at her. “What?” she asked. After a moment’s pause, she sighed. “You’re right. I really should warn the princess or something first. All right, take a note:
“Dear Princess; I read that Dominatrix Moon’s gonna show up in a few days. Shouldn’t you do something about that?” She looked up. “Got that, Mike?” she asked. “Mike? …Stupid mike!” she exclaimed. “I hate these talk-to-type programs! Ugh, looks like I’m doing this myself.” She began typing on her keyboard, despite not having fingers. “All right, aaaand… send! Okay, now that I’ve got that out of the way, I can get back to my reading!”
She resumed her search, but was immediately interrupted by a chime from her computer. “A response already?” she exclaimed. “But Princess Trollestia never answers my emails!” She opened up the email and began to read: “Dear Twilight Novel: I don’t care about your stories. I’m ordering you to go outside and get some fresh air right now!”
“Crap,” Twilight muttered.
Twilight Novel found herself riding to Pokeyville in the back of a police cruiser. She wasn’t in trouble or anything; she was just along for the ride. “Sure is nice of you to check on the Middle of Summer Day party,” the deputy said to her. “I love it when the young ponies volunteer for things. It makes our job so much easier.”
“I didn’t volunteer. The princess signed me up,” she grumbled.
“Well, it’s nice anyway,” the sheriff answered.
As they pulled up to a building, Twilight Novel climbed out of the car. “Thanks for the ride, sheriff,” she sighed.
“Not a problem, little filly,” the sheriff replied as he climbed out of the driver’s seat. “We were on our way to our AA meeting anyway.”
“To supervise?” Twilight asked. The sheriff and his deputy simply laughed.
The deputy noticed a slight swagger in the sheriff’s step, so he asked, “Hey sheriff, did you fall off the wagon again?”
“I dunno,” the sheriff replied. “I’m too drunk to remember.”
Twilight Novel grabbed her lizard and fled for her life.
The first place Twilight headed to was the library. The librarian graciously offered to let her stay there as a tenant. She gladly accepted the offer. She didn’t bother asking about the rent, though, since she planned on charging it to Princess Trollestia’s royal account anyway. The princess had no idea that Twilight had her PIN number and credit card info. After settling in, she headed to city hall to check the list of planned activities. She gave it a cursory glance, and then headed off to work. Feeling hungry, she decided to check on the food first, hoping for the possibility of mooching a free meal while she was at it.
Along the way, she passed a strange-looking pony. She was pink all over, with a vacant expression on her face and a magic butt tattoo depicting three colorful burgers. Twilight tried to greet her, but the mare simply screamed and ran away. Shrugging it off as some kind of mental disorder, she continued on her way.
When she arrived at the orchard, she was greeted by a weird orange pony with freckles, a cowgirl hat, and a butt tattoo resembling a corporate logo of an apple with a bite in it. “Hey there!” the stranger yelled, “My name’s Apple Peel! Welcome to the Fruit Farm!”
“I’m right next to you! Do you really have to yell?” Twilight asked.
“Of course I do! Come on, I’ll show you what’s cookin’!” she yelled again.
Never one to pass up free food, Twilight decided to follow the demented pony. They entered a kitchen. The first (and only) noticeable feature of the room was that it was filled with smoke. “Here we are!” Apple Peel yelled. She pulled something out of the oven. “Here ya go! Fresh apple pie, straight from the oven!”
“That looks like something Mike used to leave on my bed while I was away,” Twilight noted with disgust. Mike, however, simply grabbed the concoction with his tongue and ate it.
A large stallion rushed in with a fire extinguisher and covered the entire kitchen with white foam. “What did I tell you about using the oven?!” he scolded.
“To not to,” Apple Peel admitted.
“Out!” he ordered. After she had run outside, the stallion turned to Twilight Novel. “Sorry about that,” he said. “She can be a bit of a hassle sometimes.”
“I noticed,” Twilight said with disdain.
“My name’s Big Windows. Is there anything I can do to make up for this?” he asked.
There was only one thing she wanted. After a huge meal (free of charge), she left the farm and decided to find an activity with a little more sanity.
By the time she got back to Pokeyville, her mind had begun to wander. As she daydreamed, she didn’t notice the pegasus pony in front of her.
“Watch it!” the pegasus yelled.
“Sorry,” she replied sheepishly. She looked the pony over. She had a grayish blue coat and a multicolored mane and tail. She wore the pony equivalent of a suit and tie. Like most pony outfits, however, the suit did not include pants, which left her butt tattoo exposed. It depicted a judge’s gavel over a lightning bolt, the two of them roughly resembling an x-shape. Remembering why she was here, she added, “I’m Twilight Novel. I’m here to check up on the party. And you are…?”
“Brainbow Bash,” the pegasus replied.
“Aren’t you in charge of the weather?” Twilight asked.
“That is affirmative,” the other pony answered. “All hydrogen hydroxide condensation levels in the local atmosphere are now within the specified parameters.”
Twilight simply replied, “Huh?”
“I’m done,” she clarified.
“Good. Well, I’m off then,” Twilight said.
“Honestly, it’s like attempting to communicate with a solid mineral composite,” Brainbow Bash groaned.
Walking a little further, Twilight noticed a fellow unicorn setting up a t-shirt booth. The pony was white, with a short-cropped purple mane and tail. Her butt tattoo depicted three gold-colored $ signs. “Hey there,” she called.
“Hi,” the strange unicorn replied. “You must be the inspector from Cantaloupe! I’m Rhapsidy, and I’ve got my company’s t-shirt stall ready to go!”
Twilight paused for a moment, looking it over. Then a thought occurred to her. “Why would your company have a t-shirt stall? Ponies don’t wear shirts,” she pointed out.
Rhapsidy paused, her eye twitching. Then she let out a roar of frustration and smashed the stall to pieces with a single kick. Mike, however, simply grabbed a t-shirt with his tongue and ate it.
“I know! I could give makeovers instead!” she exclaimed.
“What’s a makeover?” Twilight asked. She had never had one before.
“I’ll show you. Come on!” she urged. She grabbed Twilight Novel and pulled her into the nearby store. She pushed Twilight into a chair and strapped her in with the built-in restraints. Grabbing a makeup kit, she said, “Don’t worry, I’m a professional.”
After about twenty minutes of makeup application, an angry voice called out from the back room. “Rhapsidy, what are you doing?! There’s a mess outside that needs cleaned up! There’s no one at the register, either. Get back to work!”
“Sorry, boss!” she yelled, and she ran out of the room. Slipping a hoof out of its restraint, Twilight turned the chair towards a mirror. She let out a loud, high-pitched scream as she saw the crudely-drawn clown face that looked back at her.
After spending an hour cleaning off the mess Rhapsidy left on her face, Twilight decided to check on the music. She wandered into a forest clearing, where she heard some mysterious groans. “Hello?” she called.
“Oh crap, she’s here!” a female voice whispered. “Get out!”
“But I still have five minutes left,” another whispering voice protested, this one a male.
“GET OUT!” the first voice urged in a slightly louder whisper. A stallion leaped out of a bush and galloped away. After a few moments, a yellow pegasus strutted out of the same bush. She was wearing netted stockings held up by vinyl straps. She had on extra-thick red horseshoes, and she wore far too much lipstick, blush, and eye shadow. Her butt tattoo was covered by a black adhesive strip. Twilight had a hunch that she did not want to know what was underneath. “What do you want? I’m busy,” the pony grumbled.
“Yeah, I could see that,” Twilight noted. “I’m the inspector for the holiday celebration. And you would be…?”
“I’m F**kershy,” the yellow pegasus grumbled in reply.
Hoping to break the awkward silence, Twilight decided to skip the pleasantries and get down to business. “So, how’s the music coming?” she asked.
“Oh, you know, I like a lot of variety,” F**kershy said. “I’ve got some hip-hop prepared, some soft rock, rap… I even threw in some country songs and a classical piece for good measure!”
“Uh huh… You have no idea what you’re doing, so you haven’t even started yet,” Twilight said.
“Pretty much,” she replied, then asked, “What’s that thing on your back?”
“Oh, Mike? He’s my dragon assistant,” she said proudly. “He looks small now, but he’s just a baby. Someday he’ll be enormous!”
“Oooookay,” F**kershy said, now more than a little creeped out (which is not an easy state for her to achieve). She tried desperately to think of an excuse to get her to leave. Then, she had an idea. “Well… if he’s a baby, I suppose he’d better get to bed soon,” she suggested.
“Oh, you’re right!” Twilight gasped. “Come on, Mike! Let’s get you home!” She ran off towards her new library home.
Twilight Novel ran into the library, locked the door, and flipped the sign to “closed”. “Finally,” she gasped, “I’m away from those crazy ponies! Okay Mike, let’s get you to-”
(SPLAT!)
A large round piece of compressed food hit her on the face. “SURPRISE!” a strange pink pony yelled. “I’m Pukie Pie! Remember me? You said ‘hi’ and I said ‘eeek!’ and ran away! I noticed you’re new in town, so I decided to throw a huge patty for you!”
Removing the patty from her face, Twilight asked, “Don’t you mean a party? The expression is ‘throw a party’.”
(SPLAT!)
“No, silly! I meant a patty!” Pukey exclaimed. “I mean, you can’t throw a party! You’d have to have, like, a bajillion ponies just to pick the thing up!”
Sighing, Twilight peeled off the second patty. Once it was gone, though, she felt a horrendous burning sensation in her eyes. She screamed in pain and started running around in a panic. “Oh, you like it?” Pukey Pie asked. “I made that one out of habanero sauce!” Mike, however, simply grabbed the patties with his tongue and ate them.
Twilight Novel lay in her bed, staring at the ceiling. Downstairs, the ponies were having a wild party celebrating the upcoming holiday, and the screams of “Chug! Chug! Chug!” were keeping her awake. She waited for hours, until it finally died down. With a sigh, she finally closed her eyes.
(BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!)
Her alarm clock immediately started blaring, signaling that it was time for the actual ceremony to begin. With a groan, she cursed and climbed out of bed. She picked up her igua- I mean “baby dragon”, and shambled out the door, making her way to the city auditorium.
Inside, she found another party. This one was noticeably quieter than the one last night, likely due to the number of hangovers. Suddenly, an annoying pink face popped up in front of her. “Hey, Twilight!” Pukie Pie exclaimed. “Are you excited? I’m so excited! Everyone’s so excited!”
“Pukie, why are you yelling? Don’t you have a hangover like everyone else?” Twilight groaned.
“Of course not!” she squealed, “I was too busy eating patties to try any liquor! Of course, I had a HUGE tummy ache, but that’s nothing a little Mare-lanta couldn’t fix!”
The speakers squealed as the microphone on stage turned on, eliciting a collective pained groan from the crowd. After an apology, the mayor began her announcement: “Mares and stallions! Welcome to the Middle-of-Summer Day celebration! Today, we’ve got a special guest! Without further ado, here she is: our ruler, Princess Trollestia!” She motioned to the side of the stage and… nothing happened. There was no one there. The crowd murmured in confusion.
Suddenly, a poof of smoke erupted on stage. When it cleared, it revealed a large mare. She was a black winged unicorn, with a wispy purple mane and tail. Her butt tattoo looked like the Starfleet emblem worn on the uniforms of Star Trek characters. “I’m baaaaack!” she announced.
“Where is the princess?” Brainbow Bash demanded. “I’d like to remind you that abducting or harming a member of the royal family is punishable by a life sentence as a rodeo bronco!”
“Your princess? Why, am I not royal enough for you? Do you know who I am?” she asked.
(SPLAT!)
“You’re Patty-Face!” Pukey Pie yelled, eliciting a roar of laughter from the audience, followed by a collective groan as the noise from the laughter agitated their headaches.
“You’re Dominatrix Moon! I’ve read about you!” Twilight Novel declared.
Wiping the patty off her face, the dark horse sneered, “So I see someone remembers me!”
“Yeah, I’m missing a few pages from the book,” Twilight added, “so I thought I’d ask you… what happened to that hunky space-faring alien stallion?”
“What are you talking about?!” Dominatrix Moon demanded.
“You know, when you two went for a beautiful stroll along the lunar beach,” she explained. “So what happened? Did he express his undying love for you? Did you two share a passionate kiss? Did you… do it?”
“Kid, you have got to get out more,” the villain said in reply.
“So he dumped you?” Twilight asked.
The black alicorn could only facehoof.