//------------------------------// // Chapter 7: I Think, Therefore I Can't // Story: Harmonic Reverberations of the Heart // by UnamusedWaffle //------------------------------// That was just one punch in the gut after another the other day, wasn’t it?  I chuckle to myself. I think my jaw dropped more times that day than it did in my entire life. Cadence said that I’ll have all the time I need to process all of this, but I don’t think that’ll be sufficient. Someday, I’ll probably be expected to uphold something like what I saw, right? Every alicorn in history has always been somepony of great renown. Pr-er, Celestia and Luna ruled Equestria for countless centuries before Luna’s banishment, and even then, Celestia still kept it going strong for another millennium alone. Twilight just straight-up saved the entire world a few times, and Cadence ruled the Crystal Empire for her first century.  So what the fuck am I going to do? I’m just some washed-up, dumb-ass gig musician who lived in the western settlement for a few years! Who fucking cares? Not me, that’s for sure! Oh, hey look, there I go again on my ‘downward spiral'. How long am I going to be keeping this up for? The rest of time? When I’m supposed to be spending time with my family before they all fucking die?  And there I go aga- I force myself to physically stop moving. I think a staff member or two dressed in black suits further down the hallway full of swirling colors take note and glance in my direction briefly before returning to organizing what I assume to be a broom closet. Yet I pay them little mind as I force myself to take a deep breath. I need to get the fuck out of my own head. The more I keep thinking about it all, the more I’ll just drive myself insane. I force myself to keep trotting along, my breathing steady and gaze sunk to the floor. I run a hoof through my mane. What do I have to look forward to? Anything? Spellcasting, I guess, that’ll be sometime after breakfast. Just gotta trudge through until then. And then hopefully another talk with Luna tonight, that’s always fun. I bite my cheeks before sighing again.  I need a fucking life. I’m excited about something as trivial as simply talking with somepony.  Oh, wait! Frantically glancing up, my eyes are met with a pair of huge, parched white wooden doors, each with a golden doorknob. I let out a sigh of relief. Good, I didn’t miss it. At least, I think so. This is the dining hall, right? Tentatively, I approach the huge doors with one ear swiveled to face them. After hearing the clattering of metal against ceramic, I take that as my cue to twist the doorknob with my left wing and push the door open. “Good morning, Mezzo,” Twilight says while poking her head out from behind her laptop. “Good morning,” Celestia says, smiling warmly. “Morning, Mezzo!” Cadence calls out. “Mornin’,” I reply with a grin and quickly scan my gaze across the room. Long ass table and cushions on the left, and…ooooh a buffet, sick and cool. I assume this is up for grabs? I mean, I see Celestia, Twilight, and Cadence all have the same white ceramic plates as the small stack near the end of the buffet table. “You sleep in late?” I hear Cadence ask behind me.  Yes, obviously I slept in late, otherwise, I would’ve been here an hour ago. Quickly I glance back at her before returning my attention to the numerous aluminum food baskets that I’m sure all have heating spells on them.  Ooooh, waffles and hashbrowns? Yes fucking please. “Yep, guess I needed it,” I say, grabbing a plate and raising my voice a little so they can hear me. What do I mean, ‘I guess’? That shit was one hundred percent required for me to keep functioning as a living creature on this planet. “I can imagine, I remember my first week as an alicorn being pretty overwhelming,” I hear Cadence say as two waffles and hashbrowns plop onto my plate. “What was it like?” I ask, grabbing the syrup bottle. “Well, it’s been a long time and I can’t remember many specific details, but I know Auntie Celestia did a lot of explaining that week and I had trouble remembering it all when it became relevant again.” I nod while humming in acknowledgment. “Got all jumbled up in there to where everything just sorta blended together?” I ask, finally making my way over to the table. Without thinking, I plop myself down two cushions down from Cadence. Ah fuck, didn’t mean to do that. Can’t move now without looking like a creep so I’ll just sit closer next time. “Yep, I couldn’t make heads or tails of it, but it all worked out in the end, thanks to Auntie,” she finishes, turning to her left to smile at Celestia, who instantly returns it before going back to sipping on her tea and scrolling through her phone that resembles the pink and white colors swirls I keep seeing all around the castle. “Awesome,” I reply before grabbing my fork and digging in.  Yeah, sorry, I have nothing to add to that. It’s not like I’m even through the first week anyway. I let silence reign until Cadence leans back a little and magicks her phone with the watermelon keychain into existence, letting the tedium of tapping and scrolling consume her. The only sounds that I hear break up the absence of meaningful conversation are the incessant clickity-clack of Twilight’s keyboard and the occasional whoosh of an incoming message emanating from Cadence’s direction.  I smile to myself.  Damn, look at everypony, enjoying the moment. “What?” Cadence asks, turning her head in my direction. “Nothing, nothing.” Shit, was I chuckling? I didn’t even notice. I shake my head lightly before hearing a barely audible frustrated hum from Twilight. Her lilac eyes are hyper fixated on the screen in front of her, the mouse next to her moving swiftly in her magical grasp with the most precise movements I’ve ever seen. Eh, fuck it. “W-what’s wrong, Twilight?” I ask. Perking her head up from behind the screen, her gaze fixates on me. “I just upgraded to GlassFrame 11 and I can’t get the file extensions to change, it’s only letting me change the names.” Oh, easy. “Yeah, I had to look that up when I u-updated. G-g-g-g…” I trail off and squeeze my teeth together before forcing myself to take a breath. “G-g…” I clench my teeth again. Fuck this shit! “Mother fucker!” I cry, slamming my hoof onto the table.  Fuck, shit, dammit, no! Fucking dammit, why now?! Murphy’s Law, is that it? Fucking brick wall dammit! I sigh and throw my head in my hooves. I take a deep breath to calm my frayed and frazzled nerves. I can feel their eyes pouring into me like a million little needles all piercing me at once. I let out another deep breath to stop myself from growling in anger. “Sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean to do that. Click ‘View’ at the top of the file explorer,” I say in a low voice. Click. “Click ‘Show’.” Click. “‘File name extensions’.” Click. “Oh, there we go, thanks Mezzo.” “No problem,” I say, my voice still muffled by my hooves. I then start rubbing my eyes with my hooves and sigh again. Fucking dammit, why do I have to act like such a fucking FOAL! Just SPEAK, dammit! “Mezzo,” Cadence starts with a bit of uncertainty in her voice.  Yeah, I don’t blame you. “What was that?” I sigh again. “Yeah, sorry,” I start, pulling my head up. I still can’t meet their eyes, though. “I’ve had a stammering problem since I was, like, three and sometimes it gets really aggravating. Sorry.” “It’s okay, Mezzo, that’s completely understandable,” Cadence says, the soft melody of her voice bringing my gaze up to meet her eyes. The oceans contained in her eyes allow me to drop my shoulders by just an inch. “Really-” “Yes, it’s completely understandable,” Twilight starts. “We all have little flaws like that. Sometimes I still fail to recognize basic social cues, despite Celestia’s best efforts.” She smiles sheepishly when she finishes, almost shying away from Celestia when she looks over at Twilight. I can only cock an eyebrow. “Twilight is right, we all have our flaws. A lot of the time, I find myself unable to tear myself away from my work ever since now I can just do most of it from my phone,” Celestia says, having finally put down her small white teacup and swirling pink and white phone.  Ha, irony. I shake my head a little and smile faintly. “Thank you, I needed that reminder,” I say softly. I turn my head to my left when I hear the ruffling of pillows and hooves, only to be met with a faceful of pink. Looking up slightly, I’m met with Cadence smiling down at me, her semi-flowing mane almost obscuring her face. My breath almost hitches when a warmth washes over my body and a soft, almost ticklish, feeling encompasses the right side of my body. I take a deep breath as Cadence shifts her wing around me. “We all have something we have to deal with,” she says soothingly, the chorus of her voice allowing me to fully relax.  Yes, I know, I’ve just been reminded of that.  I smirk. “Then what’s wrong with you?” I nearly whisper. “Nothing, I’m flawless and perfect,” she says without missing a beat. I snort and chuckle, only for Cadence to do the same. Yeah, you wouldn’t say that unless you’re just trying to hide it. At least, I think so. Understandable, it’s not like I know you very well yet. “If you will excuse us,” Celestia starts, rising from her cushion and drawing my attention. “Twilight and I need to continue our duties for the day.”  They look over to Cadence and I, almost as if they’re expecting something.  What, are you actually waiting for us to excuse you two? “Have fun and good luck with that,” I say, giving a single wave.  “Let me know if there’s anything I can help with,” Cadence replies as Twilight and Celestia make their way over to nuzzle her before walking towards the door. “Cadence, for the last time, you don’t need to worry about that. We have it all under control,” Twilight says in an attempt to soothe her worries, although I suspect it doesn’t work if Cadence’s pursed lips are anything to go by. She lets out the faintest of sighs when the room becomes silent with a soft click. I definitely wouldn’t have heard it if the room wasn’t so quiet. “What was that about?” I ask. “I-”  She sighs again. “I just can’t help but feel useless when I’m in the castle and not working.” Looking back up to her, I can’t help but feel a small pang at her sullen expression, her gaze cast towards the floor. “Centuries of Pavlovian conditioning will do that to ya, huh?” She faintly nods and suddenly I become acutely aware of just how empty the dining room is now, save for the two of us. “Yeah, something like that.” “If it makes you feel any better, I can relate to that. You can’t help but feel like you just need to keep doing something to make as many ponies happy as possible.” She nods again. “You know what I sometimes remember to tell myself when I get into that mindset?” She seems to cock an eyebrow and bring her head up when I let the silence hang in the air for a second. “What?” “That, usually, it makes more ponies, especially ones that care about me, happy when I don’t kill myself working. It doesn’t make the sinking feeling in my stomach go away entirely, but it helps.” She seems to mull it over in her head for a moment as if contemplating whether or not my advice could save the world from imminent collapse. “Thanks, Mezzo,” she says finally, bringing her gaze back up to meet mine. A faint smile adorns her face. I smirk. “Anytime, Cadence.” “Don’t you have better things you could be doing?” I ask and then immediately pause. Wait, shit, that makes me sound like a fucking asshole, doesn’t it?  Before Celestia can respond, I open my mouth first. “No, wait…” ‘Why are you teaching me?’ ‘Why did you volunteer?’ Those all make me sound like an ungrateful fuckface. “Ya know what, never mind, I-I can’t figure out a good way to say that without sounding like a jerk.” “I know what you’re trying to say,” Celestia starts, smiling, and causing a small wave of relief to wash over me. The soft breeze causes her mane to flow just a bit more than normal, almost as if it’s trying to mimic the small blades of grass beneath our hooves. “I volunteered to teach you because that’s what I love to do.” My eyes widen in remembrance. Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, where Twilight learned to harness her magical ability. “Oh right, forgot you have a school that’s literally named after you. My bad.” Me and my fucking horse brain. “Exactly, now let us begin,” she says, sitting down. The shade from a tall oak tree obscures her face just a tad as if it’s blocking her off from the world. I shift just a hair closer to Pr-er Celestia and sit down in front of her. “Do you remember how you first used magic against that timberwolf?” “Yeah, kinda hesitant to try it again though. We all know how it ended last time.” Celestia nods. “Indeed, which is why I will be walking you through a different method. Instead of forcefully tearing through your inner mana pool and trying and pull out whatever you need, you’re going to need to let it flow through you.” I dip my head and scrunch my expression up like some two-year-old scrap paper I used for calculus homework. “So I need to let it flow like a river and not like a hurricane tearing through a town?” I summarize. “Yes, exactly.” See, it’s just not funny when I don’t use a swear word to amplify what I’m saying. Saying ‘hurricane tearing through a fucking town’ would’ve been a fuck of a lot funnier. Eh, even then it wouldn’t have been very funny, but still. Shut up and focus, idiot. “Alright, what do I need to do?” “First, we’re going to try and simply channel your magic. I need you to clear your head as much as you can. The clearer it is, the easier this next part will be.” If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that this would be the start to some shitty story where the main character is some overpowered male who gets everything he ever wants. This is sounding so fucking cheesy. Well, I guess those stories had to have gotten their tropes from somewhere. Shaking my head a little, I take a deep breath and…focus on not focusing. Irony. Yeah, this ain’t working, chief. “You’re trying too hard. You need to let go,” I hear Celestia say softly. Let go? Let g- Shut up! Stop rambling! I take a deep breath again. I feel the breeze tickling the ends of my fur. The soft sounds of ruffling leaves caress my ears, causing them to flick just once. My breathing and heartbeat combine to sound like a raging monsoon against the quiet of everything else and I have to force myself to slow it all down. Just before I can open my mouth, Celestia speaks up. “Good, now I need you to reach down deeper inside of yourself. Delve deep into the recesses of your heart. There, you will find what you’re looking for.” I have to force myself not to question her further. I just need to go for it. Don’t overthink it. … … … I’m falling. For a split second, I’m falling and I can’t do anything about it. My wings feel like they’re pinned to my sides! But I’m not allowed to dwell on it for very long as I suddenly find myself in a familiar place within a blink of my eyes. A soft ocean breeze fills my ears and the warmth of the sun beats down on me as I suddenly become aware of a slanted feeling beneath one of my hooves. But what really catches my attention is the exact copy of myself that still seems to be resting in the middle of the sand grid where I last left him. Unmoving. Unchanging. Expression as soft as the wind. I raise my hoof out of the grid to find it slightly wet. Looking down, I see the sand grid is filled with a blue liquid. It isn’t water, water is clearer than that. When I trace the lines of the sand grid with my eyes, my gaze eventually lands on a rock. A small rock that just so happens to be blocking the path to the small, empty pool that my double is sitting in, eyes still closed.  Cocking my eyebrow, I make my way over to the small rock, my gaze fixated on it as my hooves slosh about in the blue liquid. When I reach it, I extend my hoof out towards the rock, but it halts just before it. An all-consuming sinking feeling washes over me, almost as if this one feeling is trying to drag me down a waterfall, into its watery depths below, never to be seen again. I try to push past it. Nothing. I try again. Nothing. My hoof just can’t seem to force itself past the invisible barrier that’s stopping it from unlocking everything.  At least, I assume that’s what it’s going to do. Right? Unblocking this rock will unlock my mana, right? What if I just explode again? What if it all comes crashing down? What if- A faint whisper among the clouds somehow manages to reach me and gives me pause. Throwing my head around to try and locate the source, I somehow find it. I see, very faintly, a specter of Cadence sitting beneath one of the palm trees. The shade that seems to cast over her face almost obscures her, but she rises and takes a step out from under the tree and lets the light of the sun wash over her. She seems distressed, almost as if the entire world is about to come crashing down. For a moment, I’m paralyzed. … … … Until she smiles at me. It’s faint; fleeing almost, but it’s there. I can clearly see it. Returning my gaze to the small rock below me, I extend my hoof just a bit further. The rock finally pushes aside and some of the blue liquid slowly trickles into the small pool. Of course, the pool isn’t empty anymore.