Dear Canterlot High Chronicle,
Look, I don't know who you're trying to get a hold of, but trust me, you have the wrong number.
Please stop sending student journalists to stand outside.
We don't need any magical assistance, and last we checked, our digestive systems are fine; we don't need any help with "pootin'".
Please stop filling up our voicemail.
Sincerely,
Counterweight
President
U-CRANE Construction Equipment Rental