Sassi didn’t take long to walk in a large spiral emanating from Astral’s position. She checked behind all of the usual hidey-holes where something nasty could be lurking. Under a desk behind a half-closed door.
Nothing.
With the lockdown activated, an alarm would trigger if anything got through. With magical labs two floors above them, they were, for the moment, safe. The floor was remarkably open aside from the trees. But the scans seemed to be telling the truth. There wasn’t a smidge of hostile activity here, at least for now.
Walking back to Astral, her heart immediately twinged at seeing the stallion trying to catch his breath. A lead ball of emotion bounced around in the mare’s stomach, the image of him falling towards the pit still burning in her mind.
But I caught him.
That was not as comforting as Sassi had hoped. Within the hours since they had left, she had been abruptly reminded that Astral was still a normal pony.
An incredible, fantastic stallion, one that exemplified how an individual could adjust and adapt to a wide variety of circumstances.
But still normal. And that meant he had limits.
And dealing with almost dying would push most ponies over the edge. He’s handling it really well.
….am I?
The mare walked over and sat down next to Astral, the thought punching through her usual ways of thinking. Her feelings for the stallion made things far too clear for Sassi’s analytical mind. There weren’t the ‘clouded emotions’ so often mentioned in romance novels, books, or the like.
It was a simple equation, but it was one Sassi had no idea how to solve. Too many unknowns, too many variables. All she could do was reach out to check in on him.
“How are you holding up, Astral?”
Shaking his head, Astral managed a weak smile.
“Still here. Just a lot to take in.”
With a nod, Sassi scooted a bit closer.
“If you need another hug…”
“If you ever offer and I refuse, assume that I’m a changeling. I just don’t want to push things,” he chuckled.
Giving him a half hug, Sassi let herself enjoy Astral leaning against her. Such a simple gesture, yet it somehow made everything so much better.
“Again, thank you for catching me, Sassi.”
Astral’s whisper immediately made the ball of emotion crack. Her eyes watered, but the mare shook her head. If she started to cry now, she wouldn’t stop.
“I’m not letting you go,” she replied, both loving and hating the tremor in her voice.
“Wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Sometimes she wished Astral wasn’t so…him. It made it so much more difficult to not just hug the stallion and never let go. That was an increasingly common thought.
“FRE’s are heating up by the way. Some chili dishes,” he added.
“Oh, that’s a good one.”
Astral settled down a bit more on his haunches, the surge of emotions fading enough for Sassi to trust her voice a bit more.
“Hey, Astral? There is something I wanted to explain,” Sassi said, almost before realizing what words were leaving her mouth.
Am I ready to explain it to myself?
She had thought about it for a while. The emotional spikes, the tears. It was so conflicting, but he at least deserved to know why she was a mess. It wouldn’t change anything, but it was something she wanted him to know. Another bit of herself she could offer, as much as she dared.
“Oh?” he asked, pulling back to look at her with genuine curiosity.
Sassi let out a sigh, blowing out a breath.
“Just, the emotional spikes? I wasn’t a crying mare before all of this,” she explained, then pouting as she felt Astral’s sides shake with laughter. “I swear!”
“N-no! It’s not at that. I just…” he pulled back, and then let out a loud *SNRK* “Yep. I knew that pout would be there.”
The glare she gave him didn’t reduce the stallion’s mirth, Sassi grumbling.
“I mean, you already told me about coming to terms with everything that’s happened. So, I just assumed you were dealing with trauma. I was a wreck, so I’d be a hypocrite if I thought ill of you for it.”
“You almost died twice. I’d say you have an excuse,” she fired back, then visibly winced as the color drained from Astral’s face. “Oh. Um, sorry.”
“It’s o-ok,” he stammered, “well, no, it’s not ok. It’s very far from ok, but I’m getting there. Why mention the emotional stuff now though? I certainly don’t look down on somepony willing to show genuine emotion.”
“Because I didn’t know I had any left.”
That made Astral pause, looking at Sassi with wide eyes as they sat next to each other.
“Huh?”
“I thought it was all gone. I could feel it leaving,” Sassi said softly, her eyes drifting to the grassy ground. “A year or two ago I couldn’t remember the last time I laughed until I cried. And that scared me, Astral.” The tears refused to stay out of her eyes, but thankfully they didn’t fall.
“All these spikes. I feel a bit bad for you having to deal with them.”
“I don’t mind.”
She smiled, a warmth blooming in the mare’s chest at the immediate response.
“Thank you for that. But…why I’m telling you is because of the ups and downs, they remind me I can still feel things. I don’t want it to stop, and I’m still processing the fact that part of me isn’t gone. And that’s more overwhelming than the actual emotions.”
“Huh. And I assume I don’t help the matter?”
A soft huff left her muzzle, the mare nodding.
“To say the least. And don’t you dare say you’re sorry.”
“I wasn’t going to!”
“You were thinking it.”
“Guilty as charged.”
She snickered at his reply, a soft hum of contentment leaving her lips as Astral rested his head against hers.
“Thank you for explaining; I do like getting to know you. I can’t imagine not wanting to learn more about you, so…yeah.”
It was an adorably awkward statement with a golden meaning, so Sassi gave Astral points for trying. As he pulled back, she caught his glance- and froze.
Something is different.
Sassi’s threat assessment kicked into high gear, things slowing down as she looked Astral over.
What was it?
The spike of alertness abruptly faded; the energy being focused into a blush that made it feel as if Sassi’s cheeks were on fire.
His eyes.
Something in Astral’s gaze made Sassi’s heart constrict, the warmth in her chest blooming. His demeanor was softer, more open. The two eyes that looked back at her were unguarded, something in them making the mare draw in a surprised breath, her heart beating faster immediately.
It was new, inviting, and…
The mental walls slammed into place. Such thoughts and dwellings only made a higher cliff that she’d fall off. Sassi knew it was setting herself up for it. He’d find out; she couldn’t think like this.
But I want to.
It was a look that she had read about, to say the least, certainly observed among hundreds of other ponies. It held such a simple message, but one that Sassi was still learning to process.
He cares.
“Sassi?” his words jolted the mare out of her thoughts, Astral looking at her curiously. “What’s up?”
“Just, something’s different about you. Not sure what.”
“I’m a sweaty mess from almost dying twice? I probably have that decon foam still in my ears.”
She huffed, the weak joke nod deflecting her focus.
“The way you were looking at me.”
A bright, immediate flush spread across Astral’s face, and Sassi secretly crowed with joy at seeing his cheeks redden. Getting him to blush was quickly becoming one of her favorite things to try.
“Is that a bad thing?” was his rather meek reply, Sassi leaning over to give his shoulder a nudge.
“No. Just a curiosity.”
Not a bad thing at all.
“How about I explain over lunch?” he suggested, waving a hoof towards the steaming FRE’s. “Maybe not our first date, but a date? That pretty much gives us eternal bragging rights for the craziest and most dangerous date ever.”
Sassi chuckled at that.
“Ok, that is true. But not our first date?”
He shook his head, divvying up the FRE components.
“Well. We have our for-sure three dates once we get out of here. This would be different if that makes sense?”
“So, we have ‘underground’ dates, and then ‘normal’ dates?” Sassi asked with a raised eyebrow. Seeing Astral nod, she laughed softly. “Underground dates it is. I like the idea of having bragging rights.”
The carefree smile on the stallion’s face made Sassi’s heart do an increasingly common flip in her chest.
Seeing him happy makes me happy.
Sassi didn’t have a response to that thought. She hadn’t felt that way, not this deeply. Of course, she liked helping creatures. But this was so different.
“OH! There’s something I’ve always wanted to try with these,” Astral exclaimed, digging into the FRE components. “Where is it?”
“If you’re trying to make a bomb out of the heaters, you’ll need a lot more. If you add some of the spicy sauce, you make homemade tear gas,” Sassi mused, Astral pausing and looking at her.
“You are a dangerous, dangerous mare,” he grinned, Sassi beaming. “We so have to try that when we’re out of here.”
“Are you suggesting we make a bomb for one of our dates? And tear gas?”
His attempts to look innocent utterly failed, Sassi holding her sides as Astral still tried his best.
“Maybe?”
I am never letting this stallion go.
Such a thought punched through the last of the debris that threatened to impede it. She knew this was all going to fall to pieces soon. But even if that was the case, Sassi was going to let herself feel normal, even if it was just for an hour or a day. Every second until it all came crashing down was a gift.
And maybe he won’t. Maybe he won’t be-
“Tada!” Astral said joyfully, gesturing to the normal-looking entrée pouch, the vegetarian chili steaming. “And now the test.”
Watching him with an amused glint in her eyes, Sassi found herself abruptly jealous of the entrée as Astral let out a very satisfied groan of satisfaction.
“That. Tastes. Amazing,” he sighed. “Best idea ever.”
“Well, I hope you can share!” Sassi grumbled, Astral smirking and offering the meal.
On taking a bite, Sassi found herself involuntarily matching Astral’s previous exclamation.
“Whoaaaaaaa.”
“Right?!” Astral said with a grin, the mare looking at the pouch in shock.
“What did you do?”
Astral gestured to the empty containers. Sassi quickly scooped up her rations to recreate the tasty meal.
“Add in that spicy cheese sauce, the cornbread all into the chili. Then stir it. I thought you would have tried that?”
“Nah. We usually use the cornbread to wash down the chili if we don’t have time to heat it,” Sassi explained. “On training missions and stuff. We rarely had it all heated, so the cheese didn’t get all melty.”
Taking a bite of her meal, Sassi sighed, then nodded firmly.
“You can cook a mean smoothie, and make FRE’s somehow taste even better. You are definitely on meal duty.”
Astral saluted, the two chuckling as they finished their meal. The stallion looked around, taking a deep breath. He felt peaceful here, the two near-death experiences still scratching at his mind but somehow distant.
“You seem a bit better,” the mare remarked softly, and he nodded in reply.
“This is about as close to outdoors as I’ve gotten in weeks. The forests are always so relaxing, even if this is more of a jungle.”
Looking around, Astral then spied some hanging vines. An idea popped into his head, and he meandered over to yank some smaller ones off the tree. They were thin, green strands yet still supported some rather beautiful flowers of pink, purple and white.
“If this is a date, then I am going to make you something,” he proclaimed, sitting down and starting to work.
Sitting next to him, Sassi watched the stallion begin to weave the vines together.
“Wait, you can braid?” she asked incredulously.
“When you have sisters, yep. And it’s fun. Can be used to make young fillies look pretty, or it’s rather nice to have in survival situations to make nets or rope,” he added with a chuckle. It was just out of the corner of his eye, but he saw a blush flare across Sassi’s cheeks.
It really was a good look, if he was being honest.
“Is there a mirror anywhere around here?”
Sassi got up and trotted off. With a slight screeching of metal and a crack of something, the mare returned with a large piece of glass under her forelimb.
“Found the bathrooms and a mirror piece.”
Glancing over to it, Astral nodded in approval.
“Perfect! Thanks. I thought you may want to see how it looks. I mean, I’m confident enough to rock this accessory, but I think it’ll look better on you.”
A few more minutes passed, Astral braiding the vines with hooves and mouth.
“Tada!” he exclaimed, holding up the circlet of vines. “I mean if you don’t want to wear it…”
“Astral, if I didn’t, I would have said something,” Sassi interjected, taking the offered tiara-circlet in her hooves. “This is incredible! These are really, really good patterns.”
“The secret is to leave a loose loop for our ears,” Astral explained, gesturing to the item as Sassi put it on. “A piece can then hold it in place but not pinch.”
“It’s comfy,” Sassi mused, tossing her head back and forth, “and surprisingly sturdy. I’m impressed.” The blush returned to her cheeks as she looked over to Astral. “Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me yet. You need to see how it looks first,” Astral chuckled. He set the mirror up against the trunk of the large tree to their right, standing next to Sassi.
“What do you think?” he asked, all smiles as his heart thudded in his ears. The smile then dwindled as Sassi stared. “Sassi?”
Sassi was frozen in place. It wasn’t an unpleasant sensation, but the memory held her bound. The surroundings vanished, sucked into a whirlpool of past thoughts, feelings, hopes….
Dreams.
I’ve seen this before. How did I forget?
She could only stare at the mare in the mirror. It was almost identical. Sassi was yanked back to when she was a teenager, an outwardly-confident but silently unsure mare struggling to find herself amidst a place that told her who she was.
It had been a single dream after a long day of painful training. A few notes in her diary, and Sassi had collapsed into a tumultuous slumber. It was back when she still dreamed of a life outside of the Silos, as if it was only a week away. A time when romance films and books had been a potential future rather than wistful escapes. Even growing up in the silo hadn’t stifled her dreams of a knight in shining armor. If anything, the atmosphere had made them even more precious.
It had only been a snapshot, a few seconds burned into Sassi’s mind from a film reel of a future she never expected to have.
Flask had been standing at her side, the older stallion looking at her in pride and joy. Sassi had been standing in front of a flowery, well-lit mirror in a cream-colored room. Armor still was on her frame, naturally. She had been getting used to wearing it all day during that time.
Yet flowing from her back and shoulders was a short, elegant white dress. A golden bracelet on her left hoof, and bangs that were properly combed off to the side of her face.
A flowered tiara had sat upon her head, silver and green strands showcasing flowers made from gemstones. Flask had gestured towards the door. Sassi never saw who it was. But as she had turned to look at the stallion, the feeling of warmth, joy and genuine happiness had burned in her heart for months afterward. Even if it was just a dream, knowing that such a feeling existed had pushed the mare through more trials than she had thought possible.
But she had forgotten. A dream buried by the nightmares she faced every day. A single flame couldn’t withstand a storm, not without help.
Maybe I never forgot. It just got almost snuffed out. But there was always something. I always hoped there was.
“Sassi?”
She turned to look at Astral, tears running from her eyes. The stallion appeared cautious, taking a few steps forward.
“You ok?”
She nodded, turning to look into the mirror again. Sassi couldn’t speak, not yet. The mare that looked back at her…
That’s me.
For the first time, Sassi looked into the mirror and felt happy. Her mane, even though a bit matted and unkempt, was now long enough to flop over the circlet slightly. They weren’t full bangs, but it was a far cry from the military buzz-cut. Even how she stood wasn’t ramrod straight anymore. Her demeanor wasn’t as sharp and clipped as usual. A genuine slump of her shoulders, angling of her back; it was all her. For all intents and purposes, she looked normal.
Her eyes weren’t dulled in the monotonous pain of the Silos but held a lively spark and depth to them. And the mare in the mirror looked happy.
I’m my own pony.
Such a statement made the tears fall even faster. The reflection was tired, but a determined glint showed in her eyes. A playful shard occasionally poked through, but there was a gentleness that shone through it all that made Sassi’s heart soar. Not all of her had been beaten out by living here, by growing up here.
This is me.