//------------------------------// // Chapter Forty Three: Coping // Story: Cure For a Toxin // by RadBunny //------------------------------// Nights were the worst. Gelliana huddled into a ball, the low rumble of thunder barely shaking the secure structure. Despite being in one of the most protected buildings in a thousand leagues, fear still ate at the gryphoness’s heart. I don’t want to disturb Toxic again… He had been so kind yesterday, when the storm began. Something as simple as sleeping on the bed next to him had somehow assuage the gryphoness’s nerves. More than likely, the fact she could hear Toxic’s heartbeat helped quite a bit. But that was before he was sleeping. She knew the stallion had told her to wake him up; Toxic had been very clear about that. And yet… Another rumble of thunder, and the gryphoness couldn’t take it anymore. Sleeping on her own left her exhausted the next day. She he knew that Toxic had started to notice over this week. He had been extremely concerned about that yesterday, wanting to know if he could do anything to help. Gelliana knew full well what would solve it, but she still resisted. Her limbs moved on their own, carrying the gryphoness towards the enchanted wall. The portal opened silently; Toxic’s room visible just beyond it. Stepping over the threshold, Gelliana shivered. The stallion always kept the room significantly colder than hers. A soft light next to Toxic’s bed made tears spring to Gelliana’s eyes. A magical night-light illuminated a pre-made bundle of blankets and pillows, a simple note balanced on the pile. ‘Wake me if you need me. Love, -Toxic’ Another series of rapid-fire thunder claps made the slumbering stallion stir, Toxic opening his eyes blearily as Gelliana sniffled. “Gells?” he mumbled, Gelliana flopping her top half onto the bed as Toxic scooted closer. She buried her head into his fur. Everything immediately felt right. His familiar smell, that strong, steady heartbeat. “I figured the storm would keep you up,” he whispered, Gelliana nodding slightly. “Even w-without it, I can’t sleep,” she admitted, “I just keep waking up.” She let out a squeak as Toxic promptly levitated her onto the bed, the stallion’s magic failing halfway as she was unceremoniously dropped onto the cushions. “Sorry, still drowsy,” Toxic admitted, “I figured you couldn’t sleep. I told you about adjusting.” “I didn’t expect not sleeping next to you to be the adjustment, Tox,” Gelliana whispered, physically wincing as another thunderclap echoed through the thick windows. Another soft yelp left her beak as the stallion promptly yanked her close, snuggling up next to the gryphoness. Toxic lay his head protectively across Gelliana’s upper back with a huff, magic yanking the blankets over as he yawned. “Well, I figured it would be a thing. We did sleep next to each other for over a month straight. I certainly got quite used to it. But let’s just not get too comfortable like this, as tempting as you are.” Gelliana had to admit, her heartbeat was already slowing. Stars above she could fall asleep like this every night. It took her a few moments to process Toxic’s words. “Too comf-oh. OH!” she stammered, face already heating up with a blush. Another clap of thunder killed any rogue thoughts from the gryphoness, Gelliana curling into a tighter ball. The pressure of Toxic’s head on her back immediately increased, the stallion letting out a soft chuckle. “You forgot what I said, during that time we were inside your mind, huh?” “What do you mean?” she asked, eyes still shut. “You hesitated before coming through the portal, didn’t you?” he asked, a simple nod being Gelliana’s reply. “I thought so. There’s no reason to try and fake it. You don’t have to be brave anymore, Gells. We’re home. And I’m right here.” She opened her eyes, Toxic reaching down to nuzzle into her head feathers. Gelliana knew tears were running down her face, but she didn’t care. The gryphoness was in the company of the one pony she knew wouldn’t judge her, who would love her all the same. Toxic’s goodnight kiss and following hug made the thunderstorm fade away, a familiar, strong heartbeat lulling the Gelliana to sleep. For a brief moment, Gelliana thought she was still dreaming. Sun shone through the tinted glass, a lovely smell of something permeating the room. Still curled up beneath her blankets, a familiar warm body was missing, making the dream less-than-perfect. It was only after she blinked a few times that the idea of it being a dream faded. She was very clearly in Toxic’s bed; the storm clouds from last night nowhere in sight outside the window. Whatever soap the stallion used solved the mystery of the smell. To say Gelliana was a fan was putting it mildly. The gryphoness let out a grumble, sliding out of bed as she tried to wake up. Amusingly, the idea of waking up in anyone else’s bed would have had much different connotations a year ago. While still present, the usual more risqué thoughts, however pleasant, were muted. It was so much more than that, the simple presence of someone she loved and trusted. The one pony who wouldn’t judge her and knew exactly what they had been through. “Hey Gells, you alive?” Toxic asked happily, the source of the good-smells clearly located as some containers sat on the stone table. “Breakfast, hot and recently made if you’re hungry.” She flopped down on the nearest cushion next to the table, downing some orange juice with a weak smile. The gryphoness felt exhausted to say the least. “You are amazing, Tox,” she whispered, the stallion clearly much perkier than her this morning. “Hey, my special somegriff had a rough night. So, it’s my time to shine as your special somepony!” he proclaimed. “I went on a morning jog, walk, exercise thing, and picked up breakfast at the same time!” The breakfast was amazing; freshly made seared salmon for Gelliana, and a lighter vegetable and fruit…salad? Pie? Thing for Toxic. She caught him glancing her way a few times, a blush coloring his cheeks. “Bit for your thoughts? Or a bit for whatever is making you blush?” she asked, good food and company quickly chasing the previous night’s troubles away. “Just…well, you pull off the bed-head really well. I’m definitely a fan,” he admitted, words causing Gelliana’s feathers to immediately fluff. This fact was not lost on Toxic as he grinned happily. “Yay! Fluffy special somegriff again!” She grumbled, finishing her meal but with a much wider smile on her face. “Well, nice to know I don’t have to do too much in the morning. I didn’t even comb my feathers.” “I mean, I still think you look great regardless. Soooooo…” Toxic replied with a shrug, a loving glare making him smirk. “What? Is it a crime to find you attractive, combed feathers or not?” “When I’m tired and susceptible to your evil, feather-fluffing ways, yes,” Gelliana replied, the stallion holding a hoof over his heart in mock shock. “I’m hurt! I’d never exploit such an advantage!” “That is a bold-faced lie, and you know it.” Toxic paused, then nodded vigorously. “It absolutely is. I can never get enough of that blush and making you look like a puffball,” he admitted with an honest smile. “I only promise to not exploit it around others to embarrass you. But when it’s just us, I have no regrets!” Finishing off her meal, Gelliana felt a few tears rise to her eyes abruptly, her concerned stallion edging closer. “Gells?” he asked softly, a shake of a head her reply. “I just- it’s a lot,” she could only say, claws grasping her head. “Things are back to normal, but I can’t pretend they aren’t. I can’t just forget what happened.” “Nobody is saying that we should forget,” Toxic said firmly, sitting next to her. “It’s easy for everyone else. They just didn’t go through what we did. We can still be happy and work through what happened. It’s why you’re here in my apartment, after all. We’re working through it.” She couldn’t refute such a statement, leaning over to press her head against Toxic’s fuzzy chest. “I just don’t know what to think,” Gelliana whispered, “it comes in waves. I’m happy, and then just sad and scared. Storms are worse, everything is harder…” “It takes time,” Toxic said firmly, “as someone who knows, it just takes time. You just need to realize that what you’re feeling is ok.” Letting out a frustrated, sigh, Gelliana nodded, shifting up to lean on Toxic’s shoulder. “It’s just a lot to take in. How in the world have you managed to get through your stuff?” she asked. “Therapy. Really expensive therapy, and a drop-dead gorgeous gryphoness to reassure me,” was his immediate and utterly honest reply, leaving Gelliana staring. “What? That’s the truth! You’ve helped me a ton, and we’re meeting the therapist later today. Having someone else affirm what you’re going through is really helpful.” “I mean, I assume you’re right. This is all new for me, outside of being scared of storms,” Gelliana admitted. “Whiiiich is why I’m trying to help. If you ever want me to stop helping, just let me know,” Toxic said firmly. “But I have the connections for trauma recovery, and I won’t be offended in the slightest if you want to see the therapist on your own without me. In fact, I’d support it.” “Well, considering I have trouble sleeping without you, I’d say we can go together for a bit,” the gryphoness admitted with a blush. “I know it’s selfish, but is it wrong that I really don’t mind?” Toxic replied with a grin. “Not really. But seriously, how much does it cost to elope?” “Cheapest option is a hundred bits,” was Toxic’s immediate response. “That’s for the certificate, then however much the honeymoon is.” A blush made Gelliana’s face burn as Toxic raised a hoof in objection. “In my defense, I was bored and curious. I still think it’s a bad idea for dealing with trauma,” he added, the statement making Gelliana pout. “Of course, after we take things slow and work through what we experienced, I don’t see why it’s that bad of an option. Maybe have months for a honeymoon?” The pony cackled as Gelliana let out a soft squeak, knowing full well he was enjoying things far too much. “Of course, doing that too soon may be a bad idea in another respect.” That caught Gelliana’s attention, head tilting in curiosity. “Oh? Other than literally running away from the problem?” she affirmed. It was a ludicrous (and bad) idea, but it was still fun to think about. Even if we are joking about getting marriedandseriouslyconsideringitohgoodness- Toxic’s grin only got wider as Gelliana’s feathers fluffed, the poor gryphoness’s brain crossing over from ‘joking’ territory into ‘this could happen’ plans. “You ok there, Gells?” “Just…realized we are partially serious. Gonna need a minute,” she said, taking a few deep breaths. “First things first. Trauma first. New adventure second,” Toxic said simply, the gryphoness nodding. “That’s a nice way to think of it and not totally freak out.” “I have experience not freaking out.” “Fair,” she paused, looking at him curiously. “You did say eloping was a bad idea other than the whole rushing things during trauma and stuff?” She really should have known what was coming from the sly grin on Toxic’s face. She knew that look. “Well, it should be obvious,” he stated, in that completely innocent tone Gelliana now knew not to trust. “You’re already tired from not sleeping. The last thing we’d want to do is give you another reason to be exhausted.” How he could say such things in a deadpanned expression, the gryphoness didn’t know. All she could do was glare at the grinning stallion; her feathers fully fluffed up as she stuttered. He raised a hoof as a laugh left his mouth, the pony shaking his head. “Sorry! That was mean. You’re tired and recovering. I’ll refrain from that, especially since the whole…you needing to sleep near me is a thing,” he admitted honestly. “I don’t want the jokes ever to make you feel bad.” Despite her brain short-circuiting, the gryphoness had a final card to play. “Who says I’m going to be the exhausted one?” she quipped back, sauntering over to flick Toxic under the chin with the tip of the tail. “You might need to sleep in if I have anything to say about the evenings. Or afternoons. Or more.” The normally blue stallion was, at least for his neck and above, a bright purple, green eyes wide as he sputtered. The fact Gelliana was able to hold his gaze with a flirty yet very-serious expression was the icing on the cake, the stallion letting out a soft, barely-perceptible ‘eep’. Oh, she was getting good at this. Gelliana had to admit, she could see why it was so much fun. Having someone to tease was fun, especially turning her own cheeky stallions’ quips against him. She was starting to realize it gave her quite a bit of a confidence boost to realize the gryphoness was completely in control of portraying herself in that flirty way, instead of it being pushed on her in the form of unwanted attention. Recognizing that she was very much wanted and could tease a stallion back in the same way just felt good. It made them equal in that respect. Before Toxic, it was almost always an unwanted intrusion from creatures she’d rather not be noticed by. “Y’know, I never had a shower after my jog. I think I’ll take that now,” Toxic proclaimed. “I hear cold water feels good on the muscles!” Gelliana giggled as the stallion grumbled, meandering to the bathroom. “Glacier cold due to you, crafty puffball,” Toxic said with a shake of his head. Gelliana couldn’t help but laugh as she sat back down at the table, munching on some fruit jerky that came with their meal. For the long road ahead, if this was how mornings went, things didn’t seem that bad. Ups and downs, at least she had a stallion at her side. If this was how most days went, maybe things wouldn’t be that bad. “GAH! TOO COLD!” She nearly fell off the cushion laughing on hearing Toxic’s shriek of surprise. Stars above, I love this stallion. “So, Gelliana, you said that you hadn’t been to any therapy before?” Sharp Point asked kindly, the three individuals settled down in his office. “Just some brief stuff after the thunderstorm and Timberwolves. Nothing major t-though,” the gryphoness admitted, clearly a bit on edge. “And definitely not couples’ stuff.” Toxic immediately raised a hoof. “I’m also new to the couples-therapy idea,” he said, amulet around his neck pulsing in the usual, partial monotone. His abrupt interjection made Gelliana let out a soft *snrk*, Sharp noticing how the gryphoness immediately relaxed further. “Well. It’s quite simple for what we’ll be covering here,” the therapist said simply, “we’ll just talk. How you and Toxic are doing, how things in general are doing. Whether or not we delve into what you two went through over the past month is entirely up to you. If we spend an entire session talking about what we all had for breakfast, that’s also fine,” he explained. “The goal is to make sure things are stable in the now, as you process a previous unstable event, if that makes sense.” “Well, Toxic filled me in on a bit of what was going to happen. H-he’s got a bit of experience with this,” the gryphoness mused. “Kind of…a third party as I process stuff? So, it’s not all vented to Toxic?” “Precisely. He’s your friend and special somepony, not your therapist,” Sharp confirmed. “While during normal disruptions you can lean on each other, sometimes you need extra help for something you both can’t tackle on your own. Not to say you couldn’t in this case, but shouldn’t for the health of the relationship.” Gelliana let out a grumble, laying her head down as Toxic grinned, Sharp looking at them in amusement. “Told you,” Toxic teased, the other stallion waiting curiously. “Oh. Gells was apprehensive about all of this. I told her that you were both a good friend and one of the better therapists I’ve ever found. I believe I just won that little bet.” Gelliana sighed, nodding at that. “It makes sense. I’m wondering why I didn’t think of that. It’s like everything is too much. I can’t sleep, I jump at everything; it’s annoying. But I’m not stuttering…” her eyes widened at that. “So, that’s new.” “Well, everything you’re experiencing is likely because you’re trying to process things, and that is normal,” Sharp said firmly, placing a glass of water on the table, a pitcher soon following. “In short, your mind is mostly full,” he filled up the glass about three-fourths. “Now, a normal event would be usually be handled easily. But when you’re already trying to work through things…” the stallion said as he kept pouring. The now over-flowing glass was an appropriate metaphor, the analogy hammering home what Toxic had tried to explain. “So, everything that feels cruddy?” “Is completely normal,” Sharp said kindly as he mopped up the water with a spell, “you might get confused sometimes, have headaches, not be hungry, be sad then happy, just a whole slew of physical and mental symptoms as you try to come to terms that everything is now ok. That isn’t to say what you went through was alright, but you are in a much safer and stable place now, unless I’m vastly mistaken.” Gelliana promptly snuggled up to Toxic’s side, her head shaking back and forth. “Nope. Much better,” she admitted, glancing up to Toxic, “You’ve gone through all this?” “Sharp, can you show her how big my file is?” The gryphoness stared as Sharp levitated a massive tome out, setting it on a drier part of the wooden table with a *thud*. “Short answer, yes,” Toxic said as the therapist put away notes spanning over a decade or two. “Stress can manifest in super weird ways. My hooves ached for months after a particularly nasty job. Zero reason. Just, stressed. So that may happen with you. Of course, now you get the option of having backrubs or something if that’s needed. It would have been weird to ask Varti for a spa treatment.” Another soft laugh, Gelliana nodding as she absorbed all of the information. It made sense, especially as to why she couldn’t think straight. And of why eloping is a bad idea. Goodness, I shouldn’t make any major decisions. “So, making big decisions of any kind when I’m dealing with all of this; not a good idea?” she asked, almost knowing the answer for certain, but wanting to confirm. “Correct,” Sharp said firmly, “that would be my advice. Any big decisions should wait unless absolutely necessary, be it financial, familial, or social.” The stallion then chuckled, “so, if eloping was on the table, I would recommend not doing that just yet.” Toxic made a noise of what sounded halfway between a laugh and a choked sneeze, Gelliana whipping her head over in shock; he hadn’t told- “Uh, too far?” Sharp asked, genuinely worried. “You all said that a bit of humor was appropriate, so…” “N-no Sharp, just, uh,” Toxic stammered, now sporting a bright blush. “Didn’t expect you to suggest in jest something that hit a bit close to home.” The older stallion chuckled, Gelliana wanting to sink into the floor. And yet that faded, a kind look on Sharp’s face as he shook his head. “Ah. I didn’t realize. Well, I would certainly recommend such large relationship decisions not be undertaken just yet. I say that as a professional who has seen the fallout of doing so,” the stallion said, final sentence taking on a bit more of a sober tone. “It doesn’t end well, huh?” Gelliana asked, Sharp shaking his head. “It does not. In more cases than not, refusing to confront a problem leads to a breakdown of communication. Things fester, and…” Sharp shrugged, leaving the obvious unsaid. “But you two are already leagues ahead of other couples I’ve seen. So that is quite pleasing to see.” “Uh, we are?” Toxic asked, genuinely curious. “I know you rather well, but you barely met Gells, and us.” “True. But there’s simple things. For example, you two are closer than peas in a pod,” Sharp pointed out with a grin. “If one of you talks, the other turns to listen. There aren’t any avoidance behaviors either of you are exhibiting towards each other. That’s just my armchair analysis. Or couch-analysis,” the stallion concluded. “Well. He makes me feel safe,” Gelliana said rather firmly, surprising herself. “T-that’s what I’ve had to deal with. If I don’t know where Tox is, the anxiety is just always there.” “I only received a preliminary report, so may I ask to clarify things about your experience?” Sharp asked kindly. “Huh? Oh, yeah.” “From what I understand, Toxic was poisoned for the majority of that experience.” “Yeah. SMAL and I took care of him for the most p-part.” Toxic casually scooted a hoof over to hold Gelliana’s claws, the stallion staying quiet. “Jeez. You weren’t joking about those emotional swings you told me about, Tox,” she muttered. “So, it makes sense logically, but at the same time, it doesn’t. At the time I was so worried about losing him- I still…” her voice trailed off, nopony speaking until the gryphoness collected herself. “I still am, I guess. But now there’s not the threat, not as big of one. So, I know I should be able to relax. It’s like I want to go back to how things were. But Toxic said that’s not how it works.” “He is correct,” Sharp said softly. “The normal you knew is gone, as happens with any drastic change in life. What you now have to decide, is how to make the new normal as good, if not better than the previous ‘normal’ you had. It has only been two weeks. Recovering from this will take a lot longer than that.” Gelliana nodded, eyes looking to the floor as she thought. “What about you, Toxic?” Sharp asked, “you are no stranger to trauma, but this was a doozy even by your standards.” “No kidding,” Toxic said with a sigh, his entire form slumping that made Gelliana’s ears perk up in concern. “There’s the usual stuff. The nightmares- I can’t block out all of what that monster showed me, even if none of it was new. So, there’s that. Otherwise, it’s the same symptoms. Exhaustion, anxiousness, general malaise. Thankfully nothing new other than the nightmares and insomnia.” “You didn’t tell me any of that,” Gelliana said pointedly, Toxic nodding, a loving, but tired smile on his face. “No, I didn’t. Because I’ve been dealing with this for over a decade. You are new to all of this.” “That doesn’t mean we get to ignore you!” Gelliana stated firmly. “Did you have nightmares last night?” “Why do you think I was up before you?” The gears in Gelliana’s brain ground to a halt. “T-tox…” she stammered, reaching over to poke his side with a claw. “You have got to tell me about this. Please.” He stared at the floor, the pony’s hooves starting to shake. “I don’t want to hurt you, Gels,” Toxic said softly. “You need to deal with this. I don’t want you trying to help me on top of it all.” “So why can’t we deal with it together? We were both there, last I checked!” Gelliana said, a bit of anger rising in her throat. “Now that I know you’re having a rougher time than I thought, I’ll be worried whenever you appear fine! Why not do this together? You’ve been the one saying that we’re a team!” “Because I don’t know how!” The exclamation made Sharp’s ears perk up, the stallion casually making a note as Toxic turned to look at Gelliana, tears in his eyes. “I want to, so much, Gells,” he said softly, “but I have been dealing with this trauma on my own for my entire life, no offense Sharp.” “None taken.” “I don’t know what will help or hurt you in this. I want nothing more than to do this together; I said we’d do this together!” Toxic muttered, staring at the floor as tears leaked from his eyes. “I just- I don’t want to hurt you! I don’t know how to reach out and not drag you into it!” Gelliana’s anger immediately guttered out, the gryphoness taking a few moments to phrase exactly what, and how she wanted to say the next thought. “Tox, not trying to work through this together is going to hurt a lot more than describing any nightmares or stuff like that. It already hurts.” She couldn’t help but smile, shaking her head. “So, all the times you said that you wanted to tackle this together, you meant it?” “I meant every word,” Toxic said immediately, “but that was in regards to helping you get through this- not me. Gells, for my entire life, I’ve had to be ok. When I am needed, I have to be ok. I can’t stop to recover. I want so much to be a team, I mean that. I just don’t know when to reach out. I’ve never taken a break. I can’t…” his words drifted off, the stallion’s shoulders slumping. “I don’t know how not be ok, not like this.” She could see the darkness in her stallion’s eyes, the gryphoness’s heart aching. Toxic was so willing to be there for her, that much wasn’t in question. But her special somepony was hurting, and for the first time, he didn’t need to hide it. Reaching over to pull him into a half hug, Gelliana let out a soft sigh. “Well. I guess it’s a good thing we’re both in therapy now,” she said. “I work on getting through this. You work on working with me to get through this. Deal?” Toxic pulled back, nodding as he wiped his face. “Deal. You do know this was supposed to be helping you deal with trauma,” he added, Gelliana shrugging her wings. “It still is. I never knew if you were going to be ok in that cave. Every day you could have died. You couldn’t even talk back then,” she said, eyes drifting to her claws. “I just had to guess and hope, relying on SMAL’s scans. So having you tell me what is wrong, even if it’s something really bad, that makes me feel better. Like, at least then I know something is wrong as opposed to not. I may not be able to fix it, but at least I’ll know and can try to be there for you. You’ve been there for me so many times, saved my life…I just want you to trust me that I’ll do the same.” As Gelliana spoke, Toxic could only stare at her, the gryphoness then internalizing her own words. “Huh,” Toxic said, “I didn’t think about that.” “I didn’t really have words for the feeling until now,” Gelliana admitted. “You are quite an introspective gryphoness, Gelliana,” Sharp mused, “recognizing something like that is, to say the least, commendable.” “I certainly do trust you to be there for me, Gells, I don’t want you to think otherwise,” Toxic said slowly. “I just, I haven’t ever done this before. Had someone want to be there.” “Well, if we both promise to try, that’s the best we can do, right?” she asked. “I can certainly promise that much. It helps knowing that, well, my efforts to try and help you actually made things worse,” Toxic admitted. “In trying to shield you from what I thought was events that would make your recover worse, I was starting to have it be a self-fulfilling cycle.” “Yay therapy!” Gelliana said with a grin. “So, if you have a nightmare and can’t sleep?” “I tell you and don’t pass it off as everything being fine,” Toxic sighed, the stallion then actually starting to laugh. Gelliana knew he was fine, as his mouth turned up in genuine mirth, the pony holding his aching sides. “I j-just realized!” he gasped, “I’ve done exactly what Sharp was warning me would happen!” “Which was?” “I normalized it!” Toxic said with a shake of his head. “I grew so accustomed to the garbage I’ve had to deal with, the side-effects of the trauma, that I just assumed that’s how I’d go about it. Even though I’ve talked with Sharp about knowing how I need to stop, to recover. Despite all that, I still just accepted that’s how it is, how it should be.” He then reached over to hold Gelliana’s claws in a tight grip, the gryphoness feeling his hoof tremble. “Despite the fact there is someone who has shown me that how I’ve been living is very much not what I want, nor healthy in the slightest.” After a few moments, Sharp couldn’t help but grin. “Goodness, Gelliana. At this rate you’ll put me out of a job for my most regular patient,” he said with a chuckle, “I’ve been trying to drill that fact into your stallion’s stubborn head for years.” “To be fair, Sharp, I don’t have a romantic future with you,” Toxic retorted, the other stallion continuing to chortle. “A fair point. My wife would object on many, many levels to that. You are seeing a glimpse of that future, Toxic. And there is someone right there who wants to help you claim it.” The look in Toxic’s eyes made Gelliana’s heart soar. She still remembered his words from before. A future where he didn’t have to worry about everything, where he could be happy. And I can give it to him. Just as he can help me get through this, and give me a future just as bright. “Y’know, I like therapy,” Gelliana concluded, Toxic chuckling at that.