//------------------------------// // Loyalty Mission 5: Derpy's Quest Pt.12 // Story: Sparkle's No. 1 Assistant // by Wanderer D //------------------------------// Sparkle's No. 1 Assistant Loyalty Mission 5: Derpy's Quest Pt.12 By Wanderer D "Status!" Sunset "Pathfinder" Ryder née Shimmer called out as she walked into the bridge of the Tempest, already wearing her armor. "We have several repurposed Kett ships, seventeen repurposed scouting ships, ten repur—" "I get it, they repurposed everything because they're cheap layabouts that can't manufacture their own ships, so they steal, rearm and fly around in stuff other people dumped. I know we're not fighting quality, Kallo, so just give me the final count, it's not like it'll make a difference." The Tempest's pilot watched Sunset remove her finger from the button she was pressing. The Salarian blinked twice, then shook his head. "I should be surprised that you would transmit what you just said to the whole enemy fleet. But I'm not. And this is worrying." "Eh, they deserve it." "Incoming transmission from pirate fleet. It's from the Kett dreadnought," Suvi, their helmswoman-slash-biologist reported. "It's your batarian friend… the one with the name like a disease." "Noted." Sunset nodded. "SAM, find: 'I'm a Barbie Girl' from my music collection." [I have located the file, Sunset. What do you—] "Suvi, when you patch him through, I want you to open a channel so all of his fleet can see him, but hear only the audio we hear. Also, mute him immediately. SAM, play the music from the first chorus the moment Gero-gero comes up on screen." Kellos shrugged and did as ordered. "Transmission from the Tempest," EDI said. "Have they started already?" Twilight asked. "Patch it through so we can all see." "At once, commander." The crew watched in silence as a very angry batarian gestured violently, slammed his fist on his console, made threatening gestures, and sang with an extremely high-pitched voice a song about being a vapid, superficial object for people to play with, occasionally responded to by what seemed to be a large slug of some sort (which had been obviously superimposed), to which the batarian (with an ever increasingly purple face) would promise eternal devotion to. "Tavi?" "Yes, Twilight?" "Explain this to me." "I don't think I can. It seems that the Pathfinder is actively mocking the helpless pirate in charge of the attack." "It appears that the Pathfinder takes a large amount of satisfaction in publicly humiliating her opponents, and ensuring their crew has little respect left for them, as evidenced by her transmitting Barbie Batarian to the whole known Galaxy," EDI pointed out. "This kind of abuse was usually frowned upon by the Council Races." "Batarians were never part of the Citadel races," Wrex interjected. "The only ones that like the slaver pyjacks worked for their government. No one else can stand them." "Is that alien crying?" Derpy asked after a moment. "I already liked this so-called Pathfinder after what she did to Elnora," Wrex said, "but this is a level of contempt for another sentient I haven't seen since Shepard punched Khalisah al-Jilani. Now she's earned my respect." "I almost feel bad for the pirates," Vinyl added. "Is it odd? I like the song though, I think I can remix it into something better." "It's like watching a grown adult bully a bunch of kids," Twilight said. "It's clearly unfair, entirely one-sided, and they can't even imagine how to respond. It's the saddest thing I've seen." "I could have sworn that the pirate was crying," Derpy insisted. "This Pathfinder should be more considerate of his feelings! He's clearly helpless!" The door behind them opened and Rainbow Dash stepped into the command center. "Hey everypony, did you watch that video of the pirate hooker? Wasn't that awesome?" "Rainbow Dash!" Rarity immediately scolded her. "Don't call the poor pirate a hooker! He wouldn't make it in that business! That's cruel!" Hiding her smile, Twilight lifted her hoof from the transmitter. "As Director Tann noted, she seems to have a unique ability to make enemies," EDI noted, giving her a weighty look, "but you don't fall far behind yourself, Commander." "Hey, no one said that only Sunset could have fun." "She actually transmitted her live reaction video to the whole Galaxy?" Sunset asked. "Yep," Liam confirmed. "And the worst thing is the sheer honesty your race shows. You could literally feel Dinky's mom's pity for Gero-gero." He groaned. "Great, you've got me saying that too." "Yeah," Sunset chuckled. "Ponies are very empathic and forgiving." She shook her head. "Anyway, status report." "Your video has been watched by 80% of the extranet in Andromeda," Kallo replied, looking at the analytics screen. "Wow, really? I mean, no—" Sunset stammered. "I want the report on the pirates." [Scanners detect weapons discharge on the flagship, Pathfinder,] SAM reported. "Well, I did see some of his crew laughing before he cut the transmission," Cora said. "Never a dull day, Pathfinder," Drack muttered. "But it seems they finally got their act together. They're spreading into squadrons." "So," Vetra spoke up, "does anyone know what he was actually saying? Might give us some insight into what he's actually going to try and do." [I did record his message with the original audio in case anyone in the crew was interested in the communication,] SAM said, [After removing the expletives, the message was reduced by 80% into a semi-coherent threat about making slaves and personal pets all of the ponies in this galaxy and the next. He was particularly nasty at threatening Dinky as the cause of all of this.] "Has anyone wondered just what the hell were the people in charge of screening who came to Andromeda thinking?" Sunset asked aloud. "I mean, yeah, we got millions of people here to have a viable chance at populating the galaxy, but this was a capitalist venture, right? It cost trillions to fund this. You're telling me they don't have an HR department full of VIs that can handle separating the criminals from the average citizen so we don't get these morons?" "Given the urgency of the mission, I imagine they cut corners outside of the actual bureaucratic branch," Cora said. "And even then, we know people got murdered on orders from people in another galaxy." "Not to mention the Batarian syndicates probably donated a lot of money to save their asses after that asteroid destroyed one of their main homeworlds," Liam added. "In their defense," Vetra added, "they did ignore the psychotic unicorn hell-bent on conquering the galaxy to return to her planet in blood, fire and glory… and it turned out alright." "Even a broken clock can be right twice." "Liam, you're the only person in this galaxy that uses analog clocks. In modern days, if a clock is broken, it simply is broken." "Fine. Some hits and misses, but still! This should be HR's problem, that's all I'm saying." Sunset replied. "Anyway." She sighed. "We just need to get rid of the current batch and hopefully the rest will fall in line for a week or two."  She studied the squadrons as they were displayed on the screen. "Taking care of this lot shouldn't be much of a challenge. The only problem is that Kett dreadnought they somehow got their sticky hands on. I'd like to get it back and have our people study it, and if I go nuclear on their asses, that would be difficult." She tapped her chin, considering. "Get me Twilight Sparkle." "Commander Sparkle." "Pathfinder," Twilight nodded. "I have been looking forward to talking to you in person ever since Wrex and I got drunk last." Sunset blinked. "When was that?" "10 hours, five minutes, and twenty three seconds before your call, measured in standard Equestrian time." EDI replied. "We had a great bartender," Twilight said, shrugging. "Anyway, I hear you're fluent in Equestrian. That's unusual." Sunset crossed her arms. "What of it?" Twilight grinned. "Nothing, just making sure my upperclassmare hadn't lost her linguistic edge." Sunset smiled. "How's Celestia? Princess Luna was a little ambiguous on the topic." "She's fine," Twilight responded. "But I think we should talk about that over whiskey, just you, me, and Tavi." "Tavi?" Twilight pulled her unresisting marefriend into the frame. Octavia waved at Sunset. "Sounds like a fun time," Sunset said. "By the ancestors, is every member of your species a pervert?!" a voice shouted from within the Tempest's cabin. "Who was that?" Twilight asked, tilting her head. Sunset pulled a resisting female turian into the frame. "This is my Vetra. Can I bring her with? She makes the most delightful noises." "I didn't agree to that!" Vetra snapped, trying to push Sunset away with her free hand. Sunset ignored the hand pushing her head away. "She complains a bit at the beginning, but once she warms up to an idea she's all for it. There was this one time—" "Pirates!" Vetra hollered, "Let's talk about the pirates!" "Sure," Twilight said, "business first, but that sounds like an interesting story." "Right." Sunset nodded, releasing Vectra, who stumbled out of sight, followed by the sound of something crashing to the floor and cursing. "I heard that the Normandy had state-of-the-art cloaking, is that true?" EDI stepped forth. "That is correct." "Then, I have a mission for you, Commander," Sunset said, smirking. "Also, for your crew's peace of mind, I'm sending you a transcript of what Gero-gero was really saying." "I no longer feel bad about Miss Sunset making that pirate cry." Vinyl patted Derpy's shoulder with her hoof. "That was not something a mother should hear uttered about her daughter, regardless of age." "It's clear that our enemies will not relent, if we take even half of what this pirate said at face value" Twilight said, "not to mention that they found their way to our home and dared foalnap a member of our family." Derpy blinked, her mouth slightly open in surprise, but that quickly changed into a small smile. "Princess Luna already said that she'd close access to Equestria once we return," Rarity pointed out. "What?!" Rainbow Dash asked, aghast. "And miss out on all of this?!" "Well, I'd like to think it's temporary," Twilight said, "I'd like to kick names and take ass in space for a while after we're done here—" "I believe you misspoke the quote." EDI interrupted. "It should be: take names and kick ass." "I know what I said," Twilight replied, nodding firmly. "But either way, we need to make a statement, and Sunset has provided us a perfect opportunity to do this." The hologram on the table changed to the blocky shape of the Kett Dreadnaught. "To summarize, the second in command of the pirate fleet took over this ship. He's demanding that we release Elnora, and amusingly enough that we give them Dinky so they can sell her." "Truly, they did send the best and brightest of the Milky Way to explore and colonize Andromeda." The gathered ponies and krogan turned to look at EDI. "Sarcasm. Nice." Twilight grinned, nodding in approval. "And you're right. These are true idiots if they think we're even going to acknowledge their demand with anything but violence." "So, we're blowing them up, right?" Wrex said. "I wish," Twilight sighed, "Sunset said she could handle the rest of the fleet, but she needed someone to infiltrate the dreadnought and take control of it. Her ship is not designed to get her and her team in, but ours…" "Unless their systems are as advanced as a Reaper's, they will not detect us," EDI said confidently. "Furthermore, while your team and I are inside, Rainbow Dash and I can assist the Tempest in destroying the enemy fleet." "I'm sorry dear," Rarity said, "but you said you'd go with us and also be here?" EDI nodded. "That is correct. Thanks to Quantum Entanglement, I am able to exist simultaneously as my mobile platform, and also as the Normandy itself while performing drastically different tasks." Rarity blinked. "Right. How silly of me to not think about that." "Niiice," Vinyl said, grinning. "We get the robot babe with us when we crash the bad guy's spaceship. This will be one party that Tartarus will remember." "Do we have an entry plan?" Octavia asked, leaning against the wall on her hind legs, forelegs crossed in front of her barrel. "EDI?" "Engineer Hooves and I have been analyzing the Kett Dreadnaught," EDI replied, motioning for Derpy to step forward, which she did, slightly self aware at the expectant looks of the others. "It's, um." Derpy cleared her throat. "It's not as advanced as Geth ships, much less Reapers, according to the data EDI and I correlated with Kello from the Tempest. Their sensors will most likely not detect us, and we did find a point of entry…" She moved her hoof over the hologram, rotating the ship around so that they could all see it. Twilight grinned. "We go in through the kitchen. Alright EDI, bring us in!"