“Alright, cadets. Today is the day.” Decked in full armor and pacing back and forth, I paused for a moment to smirk at my troops. “You’re turning the big oh-five. You aren’t colts anymore; you’re stallions!”
My two little soldiers were lined up in less-than-perfect attention as I strutted before them with my back straight and my chest out. Rolling gave a squeaky yawn before rustling his wing and picking his nose, while Red was running back and forth as he dug through the brush—scaring away all the prey he was looking for.
“Yeah, we’re big boys now! Hiiiiiyah!” Smushing a small bush with a karate chop, Red pouted as he was rewarded only with crackling twigs. “Dad! There aren’t any bugs here!”
“Oh, there are plenty of bugs in these woods, Red,” I chuckled. “Whitetail woods is just crawling with critters, but you aren’t gonna find any stomping around like that. Come over here, Red, and let me show you the ancient and noble art of butt-waggling—second only to eyebrow-waggling in things you two must learn as my sons.”
“But Daaaaad!” The little bugger’s ears splayed back as he whined up at me. “I already know how to waggle my butt!” He turned to wave his rump at me for emphasis.
“Aye! You do!” With a great, rumbling laugh, I stepped forward to rustle his mane and ruin his pout. “But! Give me this, will you? It’s your old stallion’s favorite part of the lesson.”
“Heehee! Fine, fine! Stop! Lemme go! Ahhh! Rolling, help me!” Giggling up a storm, Red flailed in my grip as I picked him up to noogie him.
“Rawr, I’mma hunta!” From behind me, Rolling lunged, wrapping his hooves around my neck as he leapt to free his brother.
“Hah!” The forest shook just like my shoulders as I howled in laughter and tumbled to the forest floor to play my part as a big, scary beast. We tussled and rolled while the two of them bit and bucked like mad, and eventually I let them slip free so they could scramble atop and ‘pin’ me.
“Alright, boys. You have your fun?~” Grinning up from under them, I growled without breaking a sweat as the two of them panted and scowled just as ferociadorably as Night used to. Rolling back to my hooves, the terrible twosome squeaked as I easily shook them off. “Now come! It is time to waggle thine butts as best princess would say!”
“Yeah, best princess!” Rolling hopped to his hooves to immediately start waggling, while Red pouted and crossed his hooves. The little bugger still had a thing for Twilight.
That was fine, though. He was allowed to be a heathen as long as he stayed that cute.
“Seriously, though.” Sinking low to the ground, I waggled my rump with true purpose. “Like me, my stallions! Head low, butt up, wings at the ready to pounce!” In a good and proper stance, I slunk forward in looming silence. My eyes cast about in the shade of the trees as I looked for wriggly morsels.
The troops and I had scared all the good stuff away in our rumbling rompus, however, and so I carried us deeper into the forest. We waggled our way in, a conga line of jiggly death and despair. Soon, our silent dance brought us back into the midst of cricketsong and skittering snacks. They were slower this time of year, more sluggish, as they played us a slower song.
Winter was coming soon, but we would find them first. There would be no bunkering down for our prey this season! Their deaths would be swift, merciless, and quick beneath our fangs.
Well, teeth in Red’s case, but he had honorary fangs.
Each of us sent out little clicks as we swiveled our ears, and Red turned his head to match as Rolling and I scouted potential prey. Squinting our eyes, we looked through the brush, little buggers scuttling just out of sight. As we finally reached a good spot, I held out a hoof to motion the boys still, and it was there that we formed a circle with our backs to each other and our eyes casting about.
Watching, waiting, our butts swayed like metronomes to the cricketsong as we each picked out our initial prey.
“Reeeee!” It was Red who struck first, the little rascal. Wings buzzing, he went straight for the big boys and crushed the head of a massive centipede before it even knew what hit it. The long wriggling body squirmed and flailed in its death throes as he lifted it, no doubt wriggling all the way down as he slurped it up.
It wasn’t on the list for dinner, but such a catch could hardly be ignored after presenting itself. He didn’t break a sweat—hay, he licked his lips—like the well-trained colt he was.
Rolling gave a scree of his own as he leapt from cricket to cricket. His hooves were swift to grab and twist the heads, sending his prey swiftly to the stars above. His hard work piled up quickly, though, for some reason, he wasn’t eating any as he worked. We would have more than enough for both the kabobs and the salad, so I left him to that as I looked at various logs to find a different kind of prey.
My mighty hoof was more than enough to crack one open and reveal the large nest of huddling ladybugs. Before they could scatter to find more warmth, I struck with my shadow, wrapping them in chilled darkness and suffocating them within. It kept them crisp, crunchy, and the perfect size to grab a hoofful and toss them back for a quick bite.
Several more logs followed as I gathered beetles, termites, carpenter ants, and anything else I thought might vary things up. Red continued ignoring the dinner list to hunt for fun, while Rolling…
“There a reason that you’re just adding to the pile, sport?” I gave a rumbling hum as I paused in my collection to watch Rolling. He licked his lips and looked at the pile of crickets next to him, but didn’t even snap up one. “Go on. It’s your birthday!~ You’re allowed to have some fun while hunting—doubly so on a day like today!”
Rolling scrunched his face as he responded, little gouts of smoke rising from his ears as he stumbled over the words. “M’mnt… M’m not gonna eat bugs no more. Topaz says they have feelings too.”
Err… say what now?
I blinked for a good half a minute, my only other motion being my ear flicking idly as I kept track of Red on his rampage through the forest around us. He’d galavanted off without me and Rolling—because of course he had—but at the very least, he was staying close as I stared at the impossibility in front of me.
“You aren’t… going to eat bugs anymore?”
“Eeyup!” Rolling nodded.
“But you’re fine with hunting and killing them?”
“Uhhh… whoops?” He frowned as he looked down at his pile of prey. “Nuh-uh! M’m not gonna hunt anymore either, then!” With that said, he crossed his hooves and sat down.
“Ummm…” Great. I had made it worse. How could I possibly fix this? It required tact and a gentle guiding hoof.
Well… either that or an obnoxious brother, but I’d save siccing Red on him as a last resort.
“Topaz.” Rolling the name over my tongue, I hummed and mulled it over, trying to recall his classmates. “Isn’t she the one who already has a cutie mark?”
“Yuh-huh!” My pride and joy nodded oh-so-vigorously. “It’s a bunch of bugs!”
“Right.” I remembered her now. She had a trio of ladybugs for a mark, and was already in glasses from squinting at her specimens. Cute as a bug—pun totally intended—but also definitely on the high track to being an entomology nerd. “Uh… sport, are you sure she said feelings and not feelers?” I tried to grin; it was only a little forced. “She’s the one with a butterfly collection. Getting them all picture perfect and preserved is a hay of a lot more mean to them than enjoying the circle of life.”
“Mhmm! I’m sure! She called me a big, fat meanie during recess yesterday, and all I did was ask to eat her apple! She wasn’t gonna eat it; it had a worm in it!” He sniffled. “I don’t like being a meanie, or any of the other stuff she called me, so I’m not gonna eat bugs no more!”
I had a sudden flashback to dinner last night, and what I had thought was just him being a bit picky with his maggots.
“So…” Buck, I had to be careful now. “Rolling, I appreciate the sentiment—”
“The senti-what?”
“Your feelings, lad. I get where your heart’s coming from. You’ve always been a bit sweet and soft.” He opened his mouth to protest, so I cut him off at the pass. “In a good way, not a wimpy way. It’s not like you use straws.” I reached out to ruffle his mane. “Problem is… uh… you kind of need to eat bugs to get by, buddy. We aren’t just giving them to you because they taste good.”
“But… feelings…” He unleashed the big guns on me, pouting with Starlight-grade mind melters.
If I hadn’t been trained to take a shot from the princess herself, I’d have turned into a hot, gooey pile of dumbass right then and there. “Look, son. The circle of life is a strange and mysterious thing. The stars aligned, and we were made to eat bugs. It’s not a bad thing. It’s a good thing! Think about all the bugs there would be if there weren’t frogs or spiders or nature’s built-in fly swatter.” I cracked my tail like a whip for emphasis. “They’d just keep coming and coming until there’d be too many to feed. Would you rather they die slowly from an empty tummy or quick and clean between your teeth?”
“Well…” Rolling bit his lip and looked down.
“Dad, dad, dad! Look! It’s been like, two whole minutes and it’s still kicking!” Before Rolling could decide, Red ran up and spat a giant centipede into his hooves.
Well, it was half a centipede.
Kind of….
He’d picked off all the legs on one side, and the poor thing was flailing about.
“Red!” Rolling’s shrill, little squeak of horror could have shattered glass. He stared at the centipede, his mouth agape, and I watched all my hard work go straight down Red’s gullet as he finally ate the thing.
Well, he ate half of it. Apparently those lessons on sharing were kicking in, because he held out a good chunk of the poor, twitching creature to his brother.
“Wha? You wan’ shum?” he asked, mouth full and one cheek puffed out as he crunched and ground the carapace down.
“No, no, no, no, no!” Rolling backpedaled into me. “Daaaaaad! See?! This is why I’m never eating bugs again!”
One gulp and licked lips later. “Huh? Are you still being a wimp over what Topaz said? Stop being a weichei! They’re just bugs!” Red waved the last of his snack towards Rolling with a horseapple-eating grin before he snapped it up. “Now, come on! There were more of them that way! We can dig them all out, round them up, and pull their legs off one-by-one to see how long they last!”
“Hold on there, bucko.” I reached out to grab Red by the nape of his neck as he turned to run back into the woods. “First off, don't call your brother that, and second, don’t play with your food. Hunting may be fun, but you have to respect what you eat. You should go for quick, clean kills, not torturing the poor things.”
“What?! But you did that to all the ladybugs and stuff over there!” He pointed to my personal haul with a frown.
“No, Red, I put mine to rest as fast as I possibly could without damaging their shells.” I shook my head. “The recipe calls for them like that. You ripped off the legs of that centipede and watched it squirm and thrash for over two whole minutes. It was probably in horrible pain the whole time.”
“But…” Red looked between Rolling and me a few times before he crossed his hooves with a huff. “Fine! Whatever! I’m sorry!”
“Heh. No, you’re not.” I reached out to ruffle his mane. “But for today, that’s fine. I’m not looking to get into an argument. I just want you to think about it.”
“Rolling’s still a weichei, though.” There was another huff as Red kicked the ground. He mumbled under his breath, but my ear caught it all the same.
I sighed, and shook my head before turning back to Rolling with a smile. “Now, then.” I hummed as I considered just how to go about making up my lost ground. “You still don’t wanna eat bugs, huh?”
“Mrgmrff…” Squirming before me and looking away, Rolling’s ears splayed back. “It’s not like I don’t wanna… But it’s mean.”
“It’s not mean!” Red snorted and stomped.
“Is too!”
“Is not!”
“Is too!”
“Is not!”
“Boys, boys! Settle down now.” I reached out to drag them both out of their slapfight and into a totally-not-a-headlock hug. “Now is not the time for fighting unless you want me getting in on the fun!”
“Ack! No! Leggo! You cheat!” The two of them flailed fruitlessly in my grip.
“No, that would be your Mom.” I chuckle. “Now are you two done?” There were several more seconds of struggling before they both fell limp and made overdramatic choking noises. “Yeah, yeah, ham it up.” Nonetheless, I let them go, and watched them roll back to their hooves and scowl at each other.
Hard to believe I’d considered siccing Red on Rolling earlier. He was just getting under his skin in all the wrong ways. Still, the slap fight did not continue, so I nodded and turned to start gathering our haul.
“I’ll tell you what, Rolling. If you really don’t want to eat bugs anymore, there is a solution, but you aren’t gonna like it.”
“R-really?” He looked up while biting his lip, clearly expecting some kind of dad-stardly trick.
“Eeyup.” I may have been wearing a guano-guzzling grin, so it was understandable. “You see, as it turns out, only a day dweller could be evil enough to invent MRE’s, and for a long time they weren’t made with thestrals in mind. Now, that’s fine if you were shipped to a place where you could do your own hunting, but get shipped up to the frozen north? Bah! They gave you something far worse than MRE’s back in your grandpa’s day.”
“W-worse than MRE’s?!” Rolling’s eyes were wide. “But… but… the omlet!”
“Mhmm.” I nodded sagely. “You tell me, sport. What’s worse? The thought of eating those every day? Or being forced to eat those on top of these big, nasty, plastic pills? Cause that’s your other option. You don’t have to eat bugs, but then you’d have to take medicine every day to avoid getting sick.”
“Nooooooo!” He reared back as if stricken.
“Yes!” Looming high, I spread my wings to cast him in shadow. I’d found a way in, it was time to go beyond ham, and maybe stretch the truth a little just to make sure. “Pills the size of walnuts that you’re forced to swallow whole! An entire hoof’s worth!” I held my hoof out for good measure, booping his snoot with it to fill his head with ideas. He was smaller than Night had been, so my hoof was even bigger than his head. “And if you can’t swallow, there’s always the other end…”
It was definitely enough to get him to rear back once more with a whinny and topple onto his haunches.
“That’s more medicine than I have room for in my tummy….” He stared dazedly up at me.
“Exactly.” I nodded. “And as a growing colt? You’d need more than that. There might even be so much that you have to take some every hour on the dot just to make sure you have room for the next batch. You’d be cursed! Cursed with nothing but eating plastic forever!~”
Giving my most evil laugh, I grinned at him as smug as a slug. “Now does that seem worth giving up delicious and tasty bugs?”
“No!”
The hug was instant and vicelike; it made me immediately regret going whole ham. Still, a little scare was far better than malnutrition. Much better the lad grow up big and strong.
“Then gather up your crickets.” I gently ruffled his mane. “We need to get back so your Mom and I can make dinner.”
“Ahhhh, really?! But hunting is so much fun!” Red irritably buzzed his wings from where he’d been stuck under my watchful eye.
“I can always take you next time.” With a rumbling chuckle and grin, I started gathering our haul. “Maybe one of these years if you show a little restraint, I’ll even teach you how to butcher any pigs and chickens for special occasions—and only for special occasions.” I narrowed my gaze briefly at Red. “I already know what you’re thinking.”
“Wha— Huh— Hey! Don’t look at me like that!” Red pouted. “I can totally be unfun. But why would I want to? Come on! Please! I can handle it! I promise! I wanna play with the big knives!”
“Aaaaand that right there is why we don’t let you, sport.” I pulled him and Rolling up and onto my back once the saddlebags were loaded. Felt strange to grunt at so little weight, but age was funny like that. At least I could still bear it and more easily enough; I just felt it now.
And that certainly made training with Night or wrestling two manticores at once a bitch, but what was life without a challenge?
As I walked us back through the forest, I watched for the occasional falling leaf and simply contemplated as the twins bickered on my back. Responses to shush them when needed were automatic at this point, and so I could just savor the chill autumn air for a bit.
It was… nice.
Soon, it would be nicer, not that the twins knew that. Morning had agreed to start throwing them bigger parties this year, and Pinkie was probably putting in the last minute touches right now.
It gave me an excuse to take the scenic route and walk through town, letting me nod and smile at the ponies we passed.
We finally did reach home, though, and I unfurled my wings to take us up. Pausing outside the door, I cocked an ear, and sure enough there was the hustle and bustle of little hoofsteps getting into place. Rolling was too busy tussling with Red on my back to hear it, and so, with a big old grin I opened the door, walked inside, and relished feeling the little buggers topple off my back with a squawk and a screep as all their classmates jumped out to yell surprise.
“Happy birthday, boys.” I chuckled and picked them up to set them on their hooves as they gaped at all the balloons and streamers.
The cake was an enormous five-tier triple chocolate fudge decorated with caramel candies and candy-coated cockroaches, and a mountain’s worth of games stood in their boxes in the corner. Princess Twilight had lent Starlight for an hour just to expand the inside of the house with a little magic as the old single room schoolhouse was now fully devoted to being a kindergarten. Their class was big, and we needed the extra space to host it at home, but just watching the twins’ eyes light up as their friends peppered them with questions made it worth it.
Most hadn’t ever been up into our dark and spooky home.
Stepping around the gaggle of foals, I headed for Morning to give her our hard earned hunt and a kiss.
“Welcome home, love.” With a giggle, she ran a hoof down my back but was otherwise off to the kitchen to start preparing my haul into a big bowl of bug salad.
I snagged one last hoofful of ladybugs as she went, chomping down with a happy hum and turning to lean on the wall to better watch and chaperone everypony. Pinkie had gotten a good half the class into several games of Twister, while the rest were happy to cheer as they watched. Red was clearly cheating as he tickled his brother with one wing, but such was life with siblings.
There was one filly just staring hungrily at the cake, but really, who wouldn’t salivate over—
Wait…. Glasses. Three butt bugs. A notebook and pencil taking notes. It seemed a certain somepony had come to the party despite all her protests of ‘Bugs have feelings!’
Edging forward with a grin, I snuck up on the little bugger as she squinted at the candy coated cockroaches in the candle light and furiously scribbled a sketch in her notebook. It was… surprisingly good for a five-year old, but then again, she was the first in her class to get a mark. Definitely a nerd, but a nerd with purpose.
“Well, well, well.” I smirked a little as she jumped and whirled to face me, her eyes widening as she looked up at me and then lingering on my fangs. “What have we here, hrmmm? A loner not interested in the party?”
“I… umm… I…” Blushing black, Topaz looked down. “My dad made me come, but I don’t think Rolling or Red really want me here. I said… things… yesterday.”
“Dads do have duties to meddle.” I nodded and hunkered down to be more on her level. “What kinda things did you say to my boys, hrmm?”
“Stupid things.” She frowned before glancing up at me and quickly looking back down, slowly pulling her notebook to her as she started to sketch my fangs. “I… didn’t know bat ponies had to eat bugs, but Mister Booky kept me after class to explain it. And then I went to the library, and the library had all kinds of books.”
Giving a large, wide yawn, she rubbed her eyes with her free hoof. “Too many books to read in a night. Too many books with stuff I don’t get. Why is eating bugs a good thing, Mister Mettle?”
“Mmm…” I hummed and scratched my chin. “Well, if you want the short answer, I’ll tell you what I told Rolling earlier today. You know how bugs need to eat?”
She nodded, opening her mouth to say something but thinking better of it as she bit her lip.
“Well, think about what would happen if all your favorite bugs were left to eat their fill without ever being eaten. They’d eat and eat and eat, and eventually, there’d be too many bugs for them all to eat their fill. Bugs would go hungry or not be able to find homes, and does that sound fun?”
“No….” The little filly pouted up at me.
“It is simply part of the circle of life.” I nodded.
“And… Rolling asked you the same thing?” Topaz squirmed under me and looked over her shoulder at the still ongoing games.
“He did.” I chuckled. “You had quite the effect on him.”
“I’m sorry….”
“Don’t tell me that! Tell him!” I gave a loud laugh, and nudged her towards the others. “Go on, then.”
It took a bit for her to squirm her way over to Rolling, and then there was the most adorably awkward scene of the two of them just murmuring at their hooves. I probably should have been paying attention to what they said, but I'd be damned if I wasn’t off and picturing the wedding already in my head.
But no. Morning already gave me crap for being too meddlesome with Night. If it happened it happened…
Didn’t mean I couldn’t have fun with it in my head, though. The kids were just so darn cute. Or at least, they were until Red thought it was a good idea to butt in and dump a hoofful of his trophies from earlier today in Topaz’s mane.
“Ah, the joys of brothers.” I chuckled and went back to the wall as Topaz shrieked and started trying to clean her mane of all the torn off legs.