EINCK EINCK EINCK EINCK! My hand rushes out from underneath a layer of blankets to punch the alarm clock across the room.
“When the FUCK can i get a new alarm clock that doesn't sound like fucking shit!?” I grumble as I rise from the blanket mountain and exit the bed in nothing but my boxers with poorly drawn dicks all over it. A true symbolism of my feelings as of late. I Kick my bedroom door open and head to the bathroom to do my morning routine of shower, teeth and staring at myself in the mirror to wonder what went wrong.
As I look into my handsome fucking tired face I am reminded that I only have 15 minutes before work. 8 hours of boring bullshit. To think I was once considered one of Equestria’s worst threats years ago just brings me to another level of depression. Ruling over a kingdom with nothing but my sweet charisma and pretty much making a cult. Haaaah… the good ol days.
Fuck Celestia and that small ass Luna. Fucking arresting me and locking down here. Being locked down here was one thing but then coming down here to “promote me” for good behavior was the cruelest thing they have ever done, fucking bitches. I walk downstairs, nearly slipping on these smooth stone shit design fuckers. Fuck architects. I make it my kitchen and enjoy a bowl of warm oatmeal, the only decent breakfast food down here,
After that I get stuffed full of oats I go upstairs and put on my work outfit, a red collar shirt and badge, black slacks with a belt and golden Cerberus belt buckle, socks and sandals because fuck my life. I complete it with my black shiny tie, and pointless but cool sunglasses. With a heavy sigh I exit my cabin of a prison and to the front door of Tartarus.
Jamming the key in the first thing I heard is the fucking Hiss of the Cockatrice as it tries to make me look at it in the eye like usual just so I can fucking be stoned. If it only it would kill me I would’ve look at that hybrid fuck a long time ago, but instead I run over and kick the fuckers cage,
“Shut up! I‘ll feed you soon!” I yell at it, the Cockatrice lets out one more hiss before lying down.
“1, 2, 3.” I cover my ears as I hear various roars, hiss, squawks, all types of bullshit. I walk over and punch the lantern on to show all the fucking abominations Celestia and her ponies have thrown down here for me to fucking deal with. God they’re all so fucking ugly and strangely they look sadder more annoyed than usual but how cares I’m sad and annoyed all the time.
“CERBERUS!” I shout. Not long after I feel the floor shake as Cerberus leaps out from one of the lower levels and lands in front of me.
“SHOUT!” I yell out the command and then proceed to cover my ears. Cerberus releases probably one of their tinnitus causing barks that shuts up the freaks. I walk over to the large dog and pat his leg.
“Good boy.” Cerberus leans down and nuzzles one of his heads against me, one of the benefits of this job. After that normal start up I go down and grab the bowls for the freakshows and start filling them with various foods, head back up and finally please them by giving them their breakfast.
I will never understand why Celestia decided to just randomly encase animals down here. I can only guess that either she’s doing it out of Spite for me calling her a “fat wrinkly ass harlot” or her sister is doing this because I called her “A tiny tight ass minotaur fucktoy”. Either way fuck them both. The day I get out of this position and back to roam again is the day I publish an article exposing their diets and widths of their asses to the public.
“Haaaaaaaah, next.” I go back down to get condensed liquidated magic in a jar for my least favorite prisoner. I dread each step I walk up to the stone spire, I can already hear him gloating to himself. I fucking hate my job specifically because of this guy…
I reach the top and glare at the man in question, Tirek or Looooooooooooooooooooooooord Tirek as he says. Lord of what you may ask? I don’t fucking know. All I know is that when I make it to the top he stops his gloating to glare at me.
“Don’t you dare-”
“Too late.” I throw the jar at his cage floor and watch it shatter, letting the liquid magic spread all over the floor. I start wheezing when I see Tirek kneel down and start lapping up the magic like some starving dog.
“HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAHAHAHAHHAH!” Tirek gives one lick before glaring up at me.
“Warden Anonymous, I swear the day I am freed from this realm I will return everything…. EVERYTHING you have done to me back to you!” Tirek snarled before licking the floor again.
“Hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa……… Yeah sure, old man.”
Tirek was one of the oldest and newest prisoners down here. He came after I got promoted which I believe is why I got promoted at all… to keep an eye on him. I spent years fucking with the guy until I decided to see if i actually had any control over this place other than feeding prisoners. Turns out I do. There's some relic that records those who enter and leave AND prisoners sentences.
Tirek was originally sentenced to 1032 moons. I have no clue how long that is but it eventually passed and I was able to use my key to open his cage, so I let him free after his sentence and let me tell you. The dude didn’t even last a WEEK before he came back. He was freed for only TWO DAYS! On his second day apparently he tried to take over Equestria, again. Got his ass beat and sent back down here for…. 2032 moons.
Still no clue how long that is but I think he’s going to fucking die before he gets out. Dude’s old as dirt but then again so am I. So as punishment for only last two days I constantly been fucking with him. Well I’m not really fucking with him for punishment I’m just doing it as therapy for my built up rage over these years. Would I even last two days of freedom? Cause I really, REALLY would like to slap Celestia and Luna across the face just once. Would that land me in Tartarus? Would be bullshit if it did.
I look back over at Tirek and find him finishing up his magic breakfast. “Good job, now for today's agenda.”
I take a clipboard and look over it and with the click of my tongue I look back at Tirek.
“Your agenda today is to not bitch and gloat for at least an hour.” I narrowed my eyes on him. “Can you even manage that?”
Tirek slowly stands and glares at the human. “You are a coward, a fiend, a pile of dried dung, I swear once I get out of this dreadful cage I will exact every single amount of humiliation you have given to me back tenfold!”
I simply stare at the old fuck before letting out a sigh and crossing off his agenda. “You didn’t even last twenty seconds this time, Christ man. Lighten the fuck up.”
Tirek weakly smacks his hands against the bars. “Maybe I would “lighten” up if you released me instead of tormenting me for years! You disgusting monkey abomination from the depths of the most disgusting of realms!” Tirek says with such venom in his voice that I look up from my clipboard.
“You fucker…. I released you ONCE years ago and first thing you do is try to take over Equestria and get butt fucked for it! Don’t fucking complain about freedom when I gave you it and you decided to just fucking push me down and shit on my chest while laughing while you did it, you disrespectful mutated old horse fucker!”
We exchanged glares before I walked away. Fucker should be happy that he was even allowed to go at least a mile from here and receive fucking letters, a better deal than I ever got. Did I mention I fucking hate Celestia and Luna? I feel I should say it again. I FUCKING HATE CELESTIA AND LUNA! I feel better now, time to waste time till lunch.
“Any fives?” I asked Tirek with irritation in my voice.
“Hah! Go fish, Mongrel” Tirek says proudly and smugly flexes his large deck of cards at my five cards.
“Fuck you.” I glare at the Smug centaur. Why am I playing go fish with this fucker I hate? SImple, it passes time for the both of us. As much as we hate each other we have agreed we hate the concept of time or “moons” more.
“Have any sixes?” Tirek says with confidence.
I smirk. “Hell no, go fucking fish.” I take enjoyment in seeing his confidence brought down somewhat.
“Have any…” I pause as I hear a sound coming from the entrance of Tartarus. Tirek looks over my shoulder at the door and we both watch it open and… six ponies enter. Instantly me and Tirek groaned which made me look at him.
“You know them?” I raise a brow at the old fuck.
“Yesssss…. They’re the ones who erruuugh… defeated me.” I stared at him for a while before my anger rose up and I looked back at the six ponies who just now freaked out at that cunt of a cockatrice, and turned my gaze toward Cerberus. Fucker is lazing at one of the lower levels instead of guarding, i picked up a pebble and toss at them. Heh, seeing them startled makes me happy every time.
They look up to the source and see me, my glare makes them whimper and I point two the group of ponies that just walked in. They get the gesture and rush over to inspect the ponies.
“I didn’t get any fucking notice of a visitation… or inspection…” I put my cards down on the ground and stand up.
“You had sixes! You lied!” I turn around and see Tirek glaring at my cards.
I defended my honorable action of course. “We didn’t agree on “no lying” as a rule.”
“You dishonorable lowly peasant!” I roll my eyes and turn back to the group, only to see them walking past Cerberus and towards me and Tirek. What the fuck Cerberus. Now I have to deal with these beings that have cause my misery, putting me back with this old fuck down here for more fucking moons.
I walk down the stairs and glare at the ponies who freeze up and stare at me wide-eyed. The usual reaction first time visitors have to me. I stand there, first adjusting my belt buckle then crossing my arms to show them my great authority over this bane of existence of a realm.
It's been a while since I’ve seen ponies but look at these six and am reminded on how fucking colorful they are, they looked way to out of place in this color scheme of purple and blues. Wait why the fuck does one have a actual rainbow for a mane and tail? Is she related to Celestia? She’s the only one I've seen who has something of a rainbow mane.
Why is there a tiny dragon too? Why is there one who’s just fully pink and one that looks like they came from Brokeback Mountain but lesbian edition. Wait. Wait a fucking second! The purple one is a fucking alicorn! WHAT THE FUCK? There's three Alicorns now!? What the actual fuck is this group.
“Halt! I am Vasily, Warden of Tartarus! You come without notice! State your fucking business, peasants!” They frown at hearing me call them peasants. Hehehe, go fuck yourselves. Slowly they approach me with the alicorn being the acting leader (of course) and speaking up. “Hello, sir! I am Princess Twilight Sparkle and I need to speak to Lord Tirek urgently!”
Of course I raise my brow and look back at Tirek who seems just as confused as me hearing this shit. Fucker hasn’t left in Months, and judging from his face he didn’t plant any weird magic bombs or something.
“And what is this issue?” I glanced back at her.
“Magic is disappearing from Equestria, and we believe Tirek has something to do with it.” I blink then look back at Tirek who’s…. Fucking smirking. Wait a second. I raise a hand at her and rush over to Tirek, gripping the bars I lean in the cage and start whispering. “The fuck is she on about!? Did you actually do something!?”
Tirek smirks and rolls his eyes. “Well not directly but… let's say I have a protégé who is.” Hearing him say that I think of the only way for Tirek to respond to someone.. Those letters.
“The fucking letters….” He nods and I groan. “I give you another piece of freedom I fucking LACK! And you instantly abuse it! I am actually going to fucking kill you!” I move my hands around his neck and he grabs my wrist.
“Wait, wait! Don’t you see what I’m seeing!”
“I’m seeing fucking red!”
“Well stop seeing red you despicable fiend! See the bigger picture here…” I let go and give him a chance, he points at the entrance and I follow it.
“You see My protégé is draining all magic from Equestria, right as we speak and the only ones who can stop it are here. Twilight Sparkle has no power. I suspect she used an artifact to get in here.” Now he has my attention and I nod along. “So she is helpless and locked in here.. You’re the only one who can get her out, and with no magic you can release me anytime… are you catching on?”
It took me a moment but I caught onto his scheme. “Wait…. She and her friends are trapped with us, I can release you now, give you the reserves of liquid magic and make you strong. Beat them, and the two of us walk out of here and lock them in. With no magic the spell keeping me bound here is lost!”
“Holy shit…” I look at Tirek bewildered at this scheme of his and his smile widens, the two of us for once share a laugh.
“It’s genius isn’t it!?” Tirek whispers with excitement in his voice, I know quickly and look back to see the confused group whispering among themselves.
“I’ll give them the go, you tell them whatever but keep them distracted. I’ll come up with the reserves, free you and then you drink those things as fast as possible and kick their ass and we’ll both be freed from each other.”
“Gladly” Tirek nods with a smirk. With our plan brought together I return to the group.
“I see… after a brief talk with Tirek..I…. Do suspect he might be up to something.” This catches Twilight and plants a determined sparkle in her eyes. I take that as the cue. “I give you permission to visit Tirek, if you need me I’ll be on the lower floors.” With that out of the way I pass the group and speed walk downstairs and into the depths of the realm to the storage closet.
Math isn’t my specialty and I don't know how many magic bottles I need to get Tirek to half of his fuckign strength so I just grabbed a bucket and stuffed them in until they started spilling out. Made my way back up the main level of the realm, slowly of course I was carrying a heavy ass bucket. When I reached the top I checked to see if the ponies were still at Tirek.
They were not. In fact I just heard the door close. In fact I see Tirek noticing me and looking nervous.
“.........................” I dropped the bucket and quickly walked to the center to see no ponies anywhere. I spun around and ran to Tirek, gripping the bars and pressed my head against his long face.
“Where did they go, Tirek?” He looked left and right and back himself to the other end of the cage. No. No. What the fuck did he do? I could already feel my blood pressure rise. I tighten my grip on the bars. “Tirek, what the fuck happened while I was gone…?”
He’s silent for a bit before looking at me and exhaling. “Listen if you were in my hooves you would’ve done the same.”
“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO!?” I screamed at him.
“I… I gavethemmymagicsotheycanleavemebe!” Tirek looks to the side. My eye twitched, my eye never twitched but it did when I heard that. My brain repeated that line over and over again until I felt like I was in an endless void, falling into nothingness. Knowing it was a bottomless void the only feeling you felt was despair and anger for being trapped in such a place. Over and over his sentence repeated as I felt in this void, a despair growing in my heart that crushed any hope that I didn’t know I had left in me for freedom one day.
“Listen if you were ten minutes with that.. Pink abomination of a pony you… you would’ve done the same. The plan was going to work but I couldn’t stand another minute with her… S-surely you understand right!?” Tirek gave me a nervous smile. I wondered what he was seeing cause I couldn’t feel my face but I knew I was making some type of expression.
“......So you… you threw away our plan of escape…. Because you couldn’t handle being bothered for a while….. You turned a situation where we had the advantage around to the people being trapped with us having the advantage…” I gritted my teeth and stared at this mother fucker.
“Well… listen you must understand-” Tirek corners himself more.
“I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU THREW OUR FREEDOM UNDER THE FUCKING BUS! YOU FUCKED ME TIREK! YOU ACTUALLY FUCKED ME! YOU FUCKED ME SO FUCKING GOOD TIREK I’M NOT GONNA BE OKAY FOR A WHILE! I’M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU, YOU FUCKER!” I screamed and ran around the other side of the cage to grab his neck. Tirek shrieked and ran to the other side where I followed. I don't know how long we were at it playing this game of chase. It would’ve probably ended in days if it wasn’t for the sudden blue portal opening up next to me and Tirek.
We both stopped in our tracks and looked at it. Out steps a pair of guards carrying a Tartarus cage with a… a fucking kid!? No fucking way is Tirek’s protégé a goddamn child! Why is a fucking child being sent down here!? I’m not a god damn baby sitter! Well I mean I technically am for the animals but you get it. While I was stunlocked by this reveal it got worse when I saw heeeeeeeeer.
Luna. Princess Luna. She stepped out the portal with disapproval on her face to the filly as the guard saw me, showed some shock then put her down and quickly backed up to the princess. Luna looked away from the filly and looked at me, we shared a glare.
“Vasily.” Luna says while sticking her head up.
“Luna.” I scowl at her. Tirek turns himself around to share in our exchange of glares to her.
“Lord Tirek.” She turns her gaze from me to him.
“Princess Luna.” He says bitterly. Silence takes us for a while, the filly looking out from her cage and at the three of us, I decided to break the silence with a classic ice-breaker.
“How's your sister doing? Still better than you as usual?” I couldn’t help but smile a bit at Luna, sharpening her glare at me and scowling.
“She is… doing fine.” I internally chuckle at seeing her struggle to not insult me in front of the guards. “How have you been, Vasily? I believe you still have another 1500 moons before We think about giving you parole.” That stung. Hard. I grit my teeth and clench my fist, she gives a cocky grin at me. God her face is punchable, would it even leave a bruise?
“I’ve been very….veeery,,,swell, no thanks to your oh so amazing sister and…you.” Her smile fades and she narrows her eyes at me.
“Um.” All eyes shift to the caged filly as she looks up with an innocent look on her face and points to me and Luna. “I’m sensing a lot of sexual tension between the two of you!” She giggles and both me and Luna’s eyes twitch.
I said something that I would never do to any other child at this moment. “Shut the fuck up.”
“Silence thy vocals, traitorous infant!” Luna took a step forward and lowered her head to glare at the kid, if looks could kill the kid would’ve been thrown into a blender. She shrinks back into her cage as Luna looks back at me.
“This is your newest Prisoner, Vasily. Thou name is Cozy of the Glow family, she is charged with treason against Equestria, 2000 moons she is sentenced here.”
“2000 moons for a kid…?” I cross my arms and raise a brow at her, before she can speak I raise a hand as something comes to mind. “Wait, lemme guess. You’re the one who sentenced her, only you could be so… cold hearted, and villainous to deem a child to be sent down here for years. I know Celestia would’ve given mercy to the kid with her warm hearted and lovely demeanor.” I sigh and shrug.
“You really are the cruelest sister.. No wonder no pony likes you.” I smirk as that seemed to have broken her, she leaves her guards to themselves and stomps over to me and jabs her hoof into my chest, utter hate and rage bearing her face as she looks up on me and yells.
“SILENCE THOU DISGUSTING TONGUE! You are an uncouth, scandalous, waste of existence, a plague on every realm, a villain most deserving of execution! Thou should be lucky Sister was there to give something like you a pint of mercy for all thou hast done! If thy had it my way we would’ve struck thee down long ago!” I lean away from her breath and a smirk.
“You prove my point that Celestia is better than you just now, no matter how many good deeds you’ll do you will always be in her shadow, Princess Luna…” Her face scrunches up and her horn lights up as she stares into my eyes with pure utter hatred that made me shiver a bit but knowing her I knew she wouldn’t do shit, not in front of guards at least. She glares at me for a bit, most likely thinking about what to do with me and the consequences before spinning around and walking to the portal.
“Consider thyself lucky this time that we have company, Vasily or we would not let thou off with mercy.” She glares back at me.
“Oh? Learning from Celestia about mercy now?” I struggle not to laugh as she stomps her hoof and almost spins around to face me. She takes deep breaths and closes her eyes, mumbling to herself before looking forward.
“We have done what we wanted, take care.” Luna nods to the guards and lets them walk through the portal first before stepping in.
“Your ass is small compared to your Sisters, it’s why you’re still single.” I burst out laughing as I see her movements pause and her tail whip angrily before rushing to the other side and closing the portal. Tirek and the newest prisoner shared a laugh with me which I gave them permission to do this one time. After that joyous moment I glare at Tirek again and point at him.
“Don’t think I forgot, you piece of shit!” He shrinks the corner of his cage and puts his arms up in defense, I focus on the filly named Cozy Glow. She looks up at me with those big innocent filly eyes belonging to someone who was ripping magic from Equestria.
“Hey Mr. Vasily wanna be friends?” She smiles at me with a sparkle of devious intent in her eye. Oh god she's the innocent looking but actually evil trope.
“Oh my fucking god.” I bury my face in my hands and groan.