//------------------------------//
// Chapter 30: Emergence 
// Story: What you Need 
// by Hemlock conium 
//------------------------------//

I’m not sure when I came to, or when I really blacked out for that matter. I’m actually pretty sure I can't quite remember much of anything from the past few days. Well that's assuming the nurses’ timeline of events were true anyway. As I’d only manage to garner bits and pieces from the few that passed through the room to check on me these past few days. None of which rang any bells in my head. Though regardless of their validity, it was quite the tale to recount even with it only being small tidbits. While I couldn't confirm anything and their answers only gave me a vague idea of things, It was still enough to piece together a solid idea of what had happened. Unfortunately it didn't spark any recollection of events that had transpired a couple weeks prior, a guttural feeling told me it was all true. As if somewhere inside me did remember the events, quite vividly at that. 
Though my lost memories were a secondary concern at the moment. The more pressing issue for me was my aching head. Honestly I'm not even sure my hit from the carriage felt as miserable as my head did right now. My head felt like an orchestra of tiny mice were bouncing around on small circus balls against my skull. All the while they blared white noise with tubas at volumes that shouldn't be possible for creatures of their small stature. Worse yet, with every little shift or nudge I could feel my brain slide around my head and up against my skull. Thankfully it wasn't painful, but it wasn't comfortable. 
Within minutes, no seconds, all I wanted to do was to sink back into the comforts of a pillow. Then pull up the covers snuggly against my chest and sleep this off. Then slip into a nice distant pleasant dream. Sleep unfortunately was no longer an option. I was wide awake now, whether I liked it or not. Meaning there was no escape, not again, not this time.
While the nurses did offer some pain killers I, foolishly, declined thinking I could just power through it. Terrible mistake that was. Stubbornly however, I lived with that decision spending the next couple of days without the drugs and instead opting to deal with the issue my own way. That mistake is neither here nor there anymore however, because a new issue would soon become apparent later that week. 


As I'd spent that evening contemplating my every foolish choice that led to this moment, I heard the shuffle of hooves against the soft crunchy cloud floor just outside. A moment later my privacy curtains, or what they're called, were pushed aside as a Carmell brown pegasus walked in, with long chocolate colored hair. He pushed his glasses up with his wing feathers while he read his clipboard on the other. His muzzle scrunched for a second as he seemed to read something over on it before looking up at me with a smile. 
“Finally awake hu?” The stallion asked as he put the clipboard between his wing and overly large lab coat. 

“Uh, yea I guess?” I replied.

“How are you feeling Mrs. Phoenix?” 


“Like I got hit by a carriage.” To which the stallion chuckled a bit at my remark.

“Well you do have a knack for that, don't you?” he tepidly joked; gaging my reaction as if he were a child checking the water for sharks. 

“Yea, guess I do,” I rubbed my head a bit. Wasn't my intent to make that joke, or rather comparison though I guess I did kind of walk into it, “so how do I look doc?” 

“Doc? Hm no, I’m the charge nurse,” he replied before seeming to double back on his thoughts, “That's the creature who is more or less in charge of taking care of you, provided there's no immediate emergency,” he explained.

“I know what a charge nurse is.” 

“Oh. well, ahem, sorry. Do you feel well enough to run a few basic tests with me?”

“Like what?”

“Oh, nothing drastic. Just a few basic calisthenics. Make sure nothing in that noggin of yours is out of place.” I thought it over for a minute before scratching my head.

“Give me a minute.” I requested, garnering an understanding nod from the pegasus. After taking, what must have been an eternity, to let the circus in my head die down to a manageable background noise I gave the nurse a nod of approval.
“Wonderful,” the pegasus cheered, “now first we need to get you up and out of bed. Now remember to take it nice and slow we don't want to-” I didn't bother to let him finish the thought as I got up. While I didn't shoot up like a bullet, I felt well enough that I could manage.
Big mistake; man I seem to be full of those lately.
I wasn't even out of bed yet but the steady pace onto my haunches and off my back already made my world shift and move like waves of water. The vertigo quickly caused me to grip the side of my head as I waited for the room to steady. Though the waves seemed to quickly calm down within mere moments there was still a noticeable sway of things around me. The only upside was the raging circus didn't start back up, though the same couldn't be said for the sensation of my brain rolling around. With every slight shift in the room, I felt my brain crash against the inside of noggin. It was a jarring sensation that did little to help my vertigo, but I was determined to power through it.  

“Careful Phoenix, injuries for a filly, especially of your age, are no joke. That's not even to mention its head trauma no less!” The nurse squealed as if that fact weren't obvious, “just take it nice and slow and we-” once again I cut him off with a steady motion to my hooves. I’ve laid enough hospital beds for one lifetime, thank you. My defiance seemed to leave the poor nurse traumatized; unsure how to respond to my lack of cooperation.
“Phoenix slowly please!” the nurse pleaded once again and once again I ignored the nurse’s words. 
The world was immediately swaying like a violent ocean amidst a brewing storm. Only now, I had to stand during the violent swaying as opposed to simply sitting and riding it out. The wild and sudden fluctuations of the room made my legs feel like jelly in the midst of a bouncy castle. To the nurse's credit, they did rush over to try and help me steady out. Unfortunately for them I brushed him off.

“I can stand just fine,” I told him. Though he was clearly unconvinced, he did stop trying to aid me. The nurse did however stand ready to step in as necessary. 
“What's next,” I asked as I looked up to him, after taking a long second to let the room settle down and.

“Has any pony ever told you you’re a stubborn filly?” 

“Plenty,” I answered with an indifferent shrug of my shoulders. The nurse just shook his head at the reply but reluctantly gave a series of simple instructions. Each one painfully slower than the last as he watched over me like a mother hen. Gagging every small reaction with nervous vigilance and every completion with pure joy. The test, if you could call them that were fairly simple: Walk in a straight line, place my hoof on my nose and stuff I could only recall seeing in one of those old policing shows when they were testing drunk drivers. All of which for a healthy guy would have been a walk in the park. Unfortunately, I didn't seem to fall in that category right now, and not just because I was in a filly's body. Thankfully however after spending several minutes playing Simon says, the nurse gave an approving nod.  

“Shaky but dare I say it, you seem well enough to see your friends! How's that sound?” he praised, as if the offer was akin to rewarding a dog. I'm sure he was expecting some sort of jubilation at the prospect, as when I gave a face of indifference to the ‘reward’ he seemed utterly stupefied. Having said that, my indifference wasn't quite for the same reasons it used to be, instead it was now because I was suppressing the urge to cringe at the words in the only way I knew how. Friends was far from the word I’d use, especially after causing this whole headache. 

“Are they all okay,” I managed to finally ask. 

“Teratorn is fine, he just had a wing joint dislocated. Carapace is in a healthy condition inside her hospital room. Truth be told Phoenix, you got the worst of it. They both got minor injuries and you unfortunately received some serious head trauma. Well, all head trauma is serious, but- ugh you know what I mean, anyway don't worry! We had the best creatures working on your case and you’re projected to make a full recovery,” he beamed. 
Though I wasn’t well versed in the medical field I knew head trauma typically had long lasting implications. So, the nurse was either keeping the severity of the injury from me or I really did somehow get off scot free. Given this was pony world and not Earth, I’m not sure which seemed more likely. Especially given older ponies tendency to think of me as a normal small filly and lie to soften the blow of things. Ultimately however given he seemed confident in my ability to walk I chalked it up to the latter. Which was probably the first and only upside of today's events so far.

“Okay, I'll go,” I finally agreed; the reluctance in my voice once again seemed to catch him off guard.

 “Well, we don't have to go.” 

“No, it's fine. C-can I just clean up first?” 

“Of course. The restroom is right over here,” he said, guiding me to the edge of my room, careful to make sure I didn’t fall over. As I pulled the door over, I gave him a thankful nod and stepped inside. Though as I closed the door I could see him gripping a key nervously. Likely the one to the restroom on the offhand chance he needed to unlock it if I fell over inside. A bit of an odd thought, but it was quickly pushed to the back of my mind as I caught sight of myself in the mirror. 

The same white, red filly with a pair of yellow eyes as always… Oddly enough however, the fur was more pristine and colorful than usual. It wasn't a clean sheen coat of innocent white and passionate, fiery, red but it was more vibrant than any other time I could recall. Even my eyes seemed to sparkle with life. I slowly moved my hoof to brush my mane back and it naturally brushed back like flowing water instead of giving its normal tangled resistance. 
I guess the hospital had done a good job of keeping me groomed while I was out. Better than I had, that was for sure. I was honest with myself, despite the fact I wasn't still quite sold on being a filly, the cleaner, more vibrant look was definitely easier on the eyes. In a sense It was ironic as I’d never looked more alive as a pony and yet never felt so dead. 
Though not in the same sense as I have used in the past. That death felt more… foregone. Like I was already dead. It was hollow and cold like an empty coffin long since buried away. Now however it felt more visceral and in the moment. Whereas the old one felt like a forgone conclusion and this one felt like the process of dying. It was a sharp jagged knife thrust into my gut and sadistically twisting with remorse. No matter how much I wanted it to stop though, I was stuck in this perpetual eternity of pain. 
I felt sick from the pain as it twisted its way deeper into my gut and my mind, knotting my insides into a ball of uncomfortable anxiety and pain. There was only one way to take this knife out and untangle the knife and that was to remove it. Though that's the thing I suppose… Pulling an object out always hurts more than just sitting there and it is often the deadlier choice if not properly treated. It was that fact that left me frozen and unable to will myself to simply remove it. Instead, I longed for it to kill me and put me back in the coffin. Somehow, I knew however that wouldn't happen as I’d tasted life and there was no going back. Not really. 

"Phoenix, are you okay," the nurse called from outside. 

There was only one choice really then.

"Phoenix," he called more sternly as I heard his hoofs head for the door

I took a deep breath and wobbled back to the door to meet the nurse.