//------------------------------//
// I Cannot Tell A Lie 
// Story: The Human Incident 
// by Boopy Doopy 
//------------------------------//

“I was born in a log cabin in Illinois in the year eighteen-oh-nine,” Archard started sarcastically as he sat at one of the desks in the Library, eating his peanut butter and hot sauce sandwich, Pinkie and Snowy enjoying theirs as well. “The winter that year was quite cold, colder than I had ever remembered, seeing as I was just born. And then… um, a lot of stuff happened, and then there was the Kansas-Nebraska Act and an Illinois senate race and now-”
“Ah can tell yer lyin’,” Applejack interrupted with authority, glaring at him. “Ah’m the Element of Honesty, so Ah know when somepony’s lyin’.”
“It was a joke, but whatever,” he mumbled before turning to Twilight and Lyra. “What do you wanna know about me anyway? I can tell you anything you want to know, except for a whole list of things that I don’t know and the secret Ryan told me to never tell anybody, which probably includes ponies, I would think.”
“How many wishes can you grant in a day?” Lyra jumped in before Twilight could get her question out, notebook and quill in hand.
“In theory a million, but I didn’t know I could actually grant wishes until today, except in the hearts and minds of children and- wait, I might have already said this bit. But yeah. I really have no idea what I’m doing, but I’m sure if I try my best, it’ll all work out.”
“Interesting stuff… why don’t humans like chickens?”
“I wouldn’t say I’m a man who hates chickens per se,” the human explained, “but I do hate that specific monstrosity that came from the depths of hell itself. It pecked me on the nose, and it was mean, and I should eat it for its crimes against humanity, but it would probably taste super gross because it’s soul is filled with evil.”
“...souls… filled… with… evil…” Lyra wrote down, taking his word at face value. “How old are you? How old do humans live to be?”
“It’s not proper to ask a person their age,” Archard said, “especially not a scary monster like a whole heck of a lot of ponies think I am. But, I can say that I’m old enough to be able to contribute to a 401k but not old enough to actually care about putting money into a 401k. Although I’m pretty sure the oldest person I knew in my family was like eighty six. She’s still alive though.”
“What’s a 401k exactly?”
“A 401k is a thing you get so that way when you’re too old to work, you’ll have money so you don’t die.”
“I see… this is all very interesting!”
“How many ponies have you eaten?” Twilight asked bluntly, with a scowling expression on her face. The other ponies around her gasped at what she said, Lyra herself cringing and Fluttershy putting a shocked hoof over her mouth when she said it.
“That’s right,” the mare continued. “He said his kind eats ponies. Isn’t that right, Arching?”
“I’m not going to correct my name again,” the human replied, “and I said before that I wouldn’t eat a horse. No offense, but you probably taste super gross, and you’re too cute for me to eat. Wouldn’t ever do it, can confirm.”
“Yeah, well… Applejack, is he lying?”
“No, it doesn’t look like it,” the mare admitted. “He’s bein’ truthful.”
“See Twilight?” Fluttershy said. “He’s not an evil scary monster like you’re saying he is. Now please be nice to him. There’s no reason to attack him like that.”
“I’m only telling you what he said! He was the one who said that his kind- cows!”
“Cows?”
“Yes, cows!” Twilight announced, pointing an accusing hoof at him. “He said he eats cows!”
“Oh, yeah, I did say that, didn’t I?” he responded. “But beef is delicious! That’s not my fault! Have you ever tried beef jerky?”
There were several horrified looks sent his way, one that made him stop and pause. Even Snowy and Pinkie Pie stopped what they were doing, staring right at him as if they couldn’t believe what he was saying.
“What?” Fluttershy asked quietly, the whole room staring at him. They were all wearing a shocked expression except for the angry one Applejack had and the smug one Twilight had.
“You… you eat cows?” she asked, barely able to get the words out. “Wh… how could you?”
“Um, yeah?” he replied, now a bit confused. “It tastes great, and becomes hamburgers, which is confusingly named ‘ham’ after pigs. Really, it should be beef burgers, but I’m gonna call it just a little bit of trolling on the part of the beef industry. The McDonald's Corporation doesn’t want you to know the truth!”
“But how could you?” Fluttershy asked desperately. “What would Applejack think if you ate some creature like Bessie? She’s a good friend! You wouldn’t do that to her, would you?”
“Huh? Who the heck is… oh fuck.” He paused for a moment as he realized what he was saying, taking a second to shudder to himself and take a deep breath before he continued, “I would not eat Bessie. Beef is good, but I don’t eat living creatures. I hereby swear to a life of veganism… err, pescetarianism. I’m pretty sure fish don’t count, and you guys have cows so that means milk and cheese are okay. Any farther than that, and I’m gonna say no.”
“How do we know he’s not lying?” Twilight asked. “He could just be saying that to try and get out of-”
“I Pinkie Promise I will not eat one cow while I’m in Equestria,” Archard said, holding up a hand. “Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”
Everypony in the room looked at AJ, who had a hard expression on her face, trying to judge if he was being truthful. Archard stared back at her dumbly with a blank expression, the moment lasting a long minute, before she said, “Well… he’s bein’ truthful.”
“Oh good,” Fluttershy sighed gratefully, wiping her forehead with a hoof. “See, Twilight? Archard is telling the truth. That means he’s not the monster you say he is, even if he does have… um… unique tastes.” She flinched as the words came off her tongue.
“Even with my unique tastes, I don’t eat things that can talk, so since cows can talk, that’s a hard no… but can pigs talk? Can I eat those?”
“No, ya can’t!” Applejack barked. “Ya can’t eat any of my farm animals, ya got that?”
“Okay, fine, jeez, I was just asking,” the human replied, sounding just a touch annoyed. “Anyway, I wanna answer more questions. Doing this interview is fun… actually, I have a question of my own. Where am I gonna sleep?” It got a bunch of looks his way as he continued, “I need somewhere to sleep eventually, and I’m honestly getting kind of tired. I was up all day before our game, and I’ve been up all day today. It’s way past my bedtime, and contrary to what you might think, being an adult doesn’t make you immune from having a bedtime.”
“Oh! Oh! Oh!” Pinkie Pie suddenly jumped up and down. “Can he stay with Snowy and I? Plllleeeeaaaassseeeee Twilight?”
“No, I think it’s best if he stay with m-”
“With me, Twilight,” Fluttershy interrupted. “I think he’d be the most comfortable saying with me, right, Archard?”
“Oh, absolutely, Flutters,” he replied happily, reaching over to scratch her ears and under her chin. “You’re just the gosh darned cutest pony who ever did live, aren’t you?” he said, speaking in an almost baby voice as she purred.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea, but can we please talk about this later and get back to this interrogation?” Twilight asked. “We’re just wasting more time.”
“I prefer to think of it more as an interview,” the human commented. “Interrogation brings back bad memories of that time the police thought I was a burglary suspect when I was nineteen. But ask me whatever questions you want.”
“What did you mean when you said your actions don’t have consequences?” Twilight asked suspiciously.
“Oh, I just meant that none of this is actually happening,” he replied casually. “I mean, I’m pretty sure I was struck by lightning, which means that I’m in a hospital somewhere probably unconscious. Either that, or magic is real and everything in the universe is a lie and the world is flat and Santa Claus isn’t real, but what are the odds of that?”
“...what?”
“And this is the part where I’m like, ‘Oh no! It’s all real! What ever will I do?’ But that’s not gonna happen probably, and if it does, it just proves that this whole thing is scripted in my head.”
“Are… are you okay?” Lyra asked, sounding a tiny bit worried. “It doesn’t sound like you’re making sense.”
“Well, I feel okay, but I did get struck by lightning, so if I’m not, I wouldn’t be too surprised. But I’m perfectly okay, even if my mom says that she sometimes doesn’t understand how I can possibly be her child since I act so outrageous.”
“Well, you are perfectly something, alright,” Twilight muttered rolling her eyes. “But this is real. It’s not in your imagination, however ridiculous Lyra’s information about you is.”
"It's not ridiculous if it's true, Twilight."
“Oh yeah?” he asked. “Then how come I can do this?” He suddenly pinched himself hard in his hip, and yelped at the pain, a move that made everypony in the room raise their eyebrows. He looked around, and when he didn’t see what he was obviously expecting, he pinched himself again and yelped again.
“Why are you doing that?” Lyra asked, raising an eyebrow. “What do you think is gonna happen?”
“Well, pinching myself should make me wake up. It works in all the movies. Unless… oh no!” he suddenly screamed, putting his hands on his cheeks in surprise. “This is all real! How could this be?”
“Uh, because we summoned you?” Lyra suggested, confused, just like the rest of them were.
“How could this be happening?” he asked, throwing himself to the floor in a clearly exaggerated manner. “Oh, why? Why? I was too young!... well, not that young, but the point still stands! I had so much to do with my life, like watch the Cowboys lose like fifty more times! America’s team, my right buttcheek!”
“What in the world are ya goin’ on about?” Applejack asked, not amused in the slightest.
“Oh, well I needed to get to the ‘what will I ever do’ part of the imagination sequence to prove this was all in my imagination, and now that we’re there, we can move right past it firmly secure in the fact that none of this is real.”
“Yeah…” Lyra trailed off, not wanting to poke at the conversation anymore, almost a bit afraid of where it might go. “Anyway, have you ever fallen in love?”
“Oh, many a time,” he smiled, “although not with ponies. No offense, but ponies are gross and I would never date one… except for Soarin’, but he doesn’t count because he’s a stud. But yeah, my ex girlfriend once told me, ‘Archard, you fall in love too easily.’ I didn’t believe her at the time, but in hindsight, it was probably true, since it turned out she was a Cowboys fan. Boy, was that a revelation.”
“I see… what’s your favorite type of music?”
“Anything but nu metal,” he replied quickly. “God, I hate nu metal, except for Korn, but even they barely pass.”
“What’s ‘nu metal’?” Lyra had to ask.
“The worst genre of music you’ll ever listen to. It was all my older brother ever played, and I hate it now because of that. It turns out Linkin Park and Papa Roach are only good the first five hundred and sixty six times you listen to their songs. After that, it starts to get kind of stale. And don't ask me to play it, because I'm not gonna.” He crossed his arms over his chest in finality as he said it.
“Interesting. What’s your opinion on-”
Suddenly, the door to the library opened, and Zecora appeared, holding in her hooves Archard’s greatest enemy. He gasped in surprise as he stared the creature, who bawked at him with a great ferocity the world had never seen. It flapped it’s wings at the sight of him, seemingly trying to leave the zebra’s grasp and attack the alien in Equestria.
“Alas,” Zecora declared, “I have returned from where I roamed. Your chicken is once again safely home.”
“You!” he pointed accusingly. “You’re lucky Zecora’s holding you because I will turn you into fried chicken if I have my way.”
“Bawk!” bawked the chicken.