//------------------------------// // Chapter 1: Purple People Eater! // Story: Starlight Glimmer's First Student: A "Human"?! // by Clockwork2003 //------------------------------// Montreal, Canada: January 2022 CE Sweet…Merciful…Crap! Those were the only words to come out of my mouth after…something quite weird appeared in front of my driveway! I don’t know how it got here, why it’s here, or what it wants, but the best thing for me to do is run away. I went inside and locked the door. I just wanted to shovel the snow away, not see…whatever that thing is! My anxiety is bad enough without aliens breaking and entering on my private property! Anyways, it doesn’t matter. I take off my winter gear and go to my kitchen to make hot cocoa. It’s -40C today without the windchill, and if I was outside for any more time, I could have very well gotten frostbite! As I went into my cupboard to get the cocoa powder, I realized something. Whatever the hell that thing is that’s outside must be freezing! Even the most durable people I know wouldn’t be able to survive without any gear for long! The last thing I’d want is for a corpse of an alien on my front lawn, let alone people looking at it! With a heavy amount of fear and skepticism, I go down the wooden stairs from my living room to the basement. I must be going a bit too quickly because I hear the wooden boards creaking quite loudly! By the time I finally made my way to the basement, I took a minute to compose myself. “Alright, Noah. Think! There’s a…something outside. I don’t know how it got here, or if its intentions are malicious, but…I can’t let an innocent animal, terrestrial or otherwise, suffer in tundra-like conditions! What are you going to do? What do those things even eat? Will it even understand me? Will it-” It didn’t matter anyway, because…there it is…Standing in my basement. I didn’t leave the garage door open, did I? Mom will have my ass if I leave it open again! The pipes could burst. My house is really old, so the pipes are prone to freeze over, especially in these freezing conditions. I don’t really know what this thing is in front of me. It is staring at me with these disproportionately large eyes…and it has a horn and hooves? And…a purple mane…It’s taller than me. Weird… Hold on! “No…freakin’ way…is that a unicorn?” I think to myself. I would have run away, but she began to speak! “Yes, I am a unicorn. I’m surprised you know what I am!” Wait…I didn’t talk to it. Why did it-oh my god it can read minds! This is really bad, this is really really bad! How can this unicorn read minds! I…I don’t know what to do! I’m scared. I am just an 18-year-old kid! I don’t make first contact with aliens, do I? “Ummm…how do you even speak English?” I ask, quite flippant. I am mostly running on adrenaline right now, as the cold wood of the floor starts to make my toes cold, even with thick socks. “Universal translation spell, silly! You don’t have that?” It replies, quite earnestly. This thing is chipper, that’s for darn sure! If this…unicorn can just appear in my house uninvited, then…I don’t really have a choice. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, so I guess I have to converse with it. Welp, here I go… “Okay…what the heck are you? Why are you in my house, and why did you trespass on private property? How can you even talk?! How can you-” The purple/pink unicorn smiles, almost like it was expecting me to ask these serious questions (although for the unicorn, it must seem silly!). “Well…I know a lot about you! I know your name is Noah, that you are sad, and that you need a friend. I was sent by Princess Twilight Sparkle of Equestria to cordially invite you to our kingdom to learn the values of Friendship firsthand!” Twilight Sparkle…Friendship…Equestria…is this darn unicorn out of its damn mind?! Wait…how does it even know my name?! I am actually starting to get really scared, and I run upstairs quickly, trying to get as far away from this unicorn as possible. I must be having some sort of fever dream because this is WAY too crazy to be happening! Just as I make my way up the stairs, I…I don’t even know how, but I am suddenly back in the basement, right next to this six-foot-tall unicorn! “Where do you think you’re going! I haven't finished my pitch yet!” The unicorn says. Wait…can it use magic or some super-advanced technology? How did I…I am not even going to bother asking. If I play along, I might live to tell the tale! “I am not going to say or do anything until you tell me what the hell you are, why you’re here, how you know my name, and what any of this bullshit has to do with me!” I am quite annoyed with this unicorn. Does it think it’s the master of the universe or something? “I was expecting that kind of answer…It’s okay to be scared of new things, Noah. When I first met Twilight Sparkle, I was scared of her, too! Just…take a few deep breaths, and then I will answer your questions. I Pinkie Promise that I am not here to eat you…or to hurt you. I am only here to help you. Help me? Help me?! I don’t need any help. Why would I need any help! I am just fine with how I am, and where I am! Ugh…I should probably play along with this unicorn’s game; I am agitated, and a few deep breaths would help in this situation. I take a deep breath, filling my cold lungs with well-needed air, and I exhale. No wonder my mom does yoga! This stuff works miracles. “Alright…I will try and be calm now, uh…what do I call you?” I assume that a creature that is sapient and able to manipulate the laws of physics is also intelligent enough to have a name for itself! I don’t want to infantilize it, lest it does eat me, or worse! It laughs, only for it to then hit me that this unicorn is a female, er…a mare, if I remember my horse terminology correctly. It’s speaking in a high pitched voice, and its facial bones look more feminine. She does something…weird. She lets out a hoof, almost like it’s a hand. Why would the unicorn mare want to do that? “My name is Starlight Glimmer! I already know your name, Noah. It’s an honor to meet you!” She says to me. For a good minute and a half, she stands there like a dope, waiting for me to do something. What am I supposed to do… Oh crap! I really do need to work on my social skills! I let out my hand and “shake” the hoof of this mysterious creature with hesitation. “Sorry about that…social skills aren’t my forte,” I say quite sheepishly. “Oh I know, it’s in your file. You have…uh…”ass-burgers”? I think Princess Twilight has it, too! You must be super smart, right? Speak five or more languages, photographic memory, all that jazz?” Wait…unicorns know what autism is? Do…do they watch us like Big Brother? I am starting to get worried again, but I remember that I promised Starlight I’d remain calm, so I did my best to maintain proper decorum in my basement. “Yeah…it’s called “Aspergers”, not “Ass-burgers”, I reply with a chuckle. Poor unicorn is probably too innocent to know why that misstep is funny. “And your species is called “He-you-mains”, right?” She follows up with another question. I couldn’t help but begin to laugh. I don’t mean chuckle, I mean laugh. I should have kept it in because the unicorn began to cry! “I…I’m sorry for being so mean to you, Noah, I hope you’ll forgive me!” The poor mare has full-blown tears coming out. I wasn’t trying to be mean, I just thought it was silly the way she pronounced “humans”. “Mad? Why would I be mad, Starlight? You are an alien unicorn that “humans” (pronounced “(h)yoomən”) have never seen before. Hell, the only reason I know what you are is because…well a long time ago unicorns might have existed, but they certainly weren’t purple and able to talk! It’s okay, I am not mad at you.” Well, I am mad that she broke into my house, but I am not cross that she mispronounced the word human. She slowly stopped crying and tried to compose herself. She…did something, and her horn lit up purple, and a notebook appeared out of nowhere with a pen, and she began to write something down in a script that I cannot read at all! These unicorns have their own languages! Woah…trippy! “Sorry about that…a unicorn’s magic is controlled by their emotions, and I thought you upset me. It’s no big deal. Now, about that proposition I am offering you. My file says that you have no friends, are catatonically depressed, and are in dire need of affection! I think I can be of help in that department!” She says, checking a notebook, which for some reason has a picture of me, with a bunch of data written down in that same illegible unicorn language. “So…”Equestria”, what the heck is that?” I ask her quite sincerely. She immediately changes tone from recovering crier to the elated preacher, with her comically large eyes lighting up. “OOH! Equestria is a lovely place, where there are three different kinds of ponies that live in Harmony and magic!” Wait…ponies? Starlight is the size of a full-grown horse! I could easily ride on her…eh… never mind, that’s a weird thought to have. The darn unicorn can talk! “I can see your confusion, Noah. “Ponies” in your language must refer to a different creature, so you’re mixed up! In Equestria, ponies are…well they’re like me…er, nevermind, let me explain. The three kinds of ponies all rely on each other for our society to function. As you can see…” Starlight lifts a hoof and points to her horn. “I am a unicorn. That means I can use magic. The other two kinds of ponies are Earth Ponies, who are durable and adept with agriculture, and Pegasi, who can fly and control the weather!” Wait…control the weather? Flying, I get, but the weather?! I’ll ask later if I even want to… “Now, as for how this all ties into you, Noah the “(h)yoomən”.” She takes out her notebook, and her horn lights up, magically changing the contents of the pages into…English? Woah, that’s actually pretty cool! “Here you go! I used the Universal Translation Spell to make this book accessible for you. Take a peek at it! Princess Twilight’s words will explain your purpose much better than mine!” She uses…telekinesis to pass the notebook to me, and I pick it up, skimming the pages. Hmm…Friendship Exchange Program…teaching humans how to be social…spreading Harmony across the universe…that’s actually kind of wholesome! In fact, that’s really wholesome! I actually cracked a smile, which…probably didn’t go unnoticed, since Starlight smiled in turn. “I had a feeling you’d turn towards Friendship, Noah. Besides, if you ever decide to go back home, you can use the skills I’m going to teach you with fellow humans, and make this planet a better place! Wouldn’t that be awesome!” She asks me quite genially. Heh…that would be awesome…but “Equestria” is another planet, possibly millions of light-years from Earth! How would I get there, heck, how did Starlight get here. Starlight blushes. I wonder why? Did I say something offensive again? “I…I have a secret, Noah. You’re my first student. I just graduated from Princess Twilight’s Friendship Studies Program, and my first job was to find you and convince you to come to Equestria for an “exchange program”. I really don’t want to get on Princess Twilight’s bad side, so I am really hoping that you agree to come with me. The program is only one month, and you are allowed to leave at any time. I promise!” Huh…I mean I am not doing anything. COVID shut down the whole planet, and…maybe I can develop superpowers? I mean if Starlight can use magic, maybe I can learn how, too? Imagine how much easier my life would be if I could teleport, or move objects with my mind! “One month, you say?” I ask, just to be sure that I understand everything properly. She nods. “I understand if you want to take some time to think about my offer. Nopony agrees to a deal without reading all the terms and conditions thoroughly. If you do have the same condition as Princess Twilight, I am confident you will take due diligence!” Wait…nopony? Doesn’t she mean “nobody” or “no one?” I am tempted to correct her, but I don’t want to make the darn pastel unicorn cry again…Even if she is a missionary to convert infidels to Friendship-ism…she’s still human, er…still a “pony”. She has feelings, too! With all the damn intervention I had for my autism, I can at least notice if somebody’s trying to be nice (with a bit of effort, that is). “Uh…Starlight? How many pages are in this notebook of yours?” I ask her, just so I can gauge my time for reading it. She smiles and replies promptly with “475. It’s like a medium-length novel. Take your time!” I hear her stomach grumble and she puts a hoof over her stomach in embarrassment. “Umm. Noah? Before you sign any contracts…do you have anything to eat? Unicorns are herbivores, so don’t give me anything with meat!” She says, quite embarrassed that something as diplomatic as a Friendship Mission has to end on an empty stomach. I take a minute to think about what the “pony” might want to eat, and I have an idea. “Starlight, have you ever heard of “Popcorn”? It’s corn kernels that are roasted or microwaved, and they are really good. If you want, you can even put sugar granules on it, making them sweet and salty!” As soon as I finished explaining the concept of popcorn to my equine visitor, her horn flashes, and a giant bowl of popcorn appears in front of her. “I…may have taken from your pantry…I hope you don’t mind! Besides, Friendship Lesson #32: Sharing is Caring!” She sits down on her haunches, and using her uncanny abilities, puts a “handful” of popcorn into her magic’s range, and eats the kernels slowly and with surprising etiquette! “You can have some too, Noah! I mean, it’s your house and your snack stash!” She says, hiding a chuckle. I am a bit hungry, so I take a few pieces of popcorn for myself, and the two of us eat our snack quietly and promptly. We finished after around ten minutes or so, and Starlight was nice enough to use her magic to put the bowl into the sink upstairs! “Friendship Lesson #452: If somepony eats a snack at a friend’s house. Be sure to clean up after yourself, so they don’t have to!” She says with a smile. It’s a bit cultish that she recites these “Friendship Lessons,” but I’ve seen people do weirder things. “Starlight, I have a rather…uh…random question for you: How did you get here, and if I agree, how am I going to come with you? I don’t have any magic that I know of, and…well humanity isn’t advanced enough for quantum jumps yet, so-” The pinkish unicorn sticks her tongue out at me, which is a bit weird, considering she’s taller than me by a head! “Well…I haven’t figured that part out yet, but I am sure we can work something out. Hey, I remember what to do” She takes her notebook back and skims to the last page: “How to transport humans to other worlds.” Twilight’s Log: It seems from the small amount of data that I have acquired that there are similar equine creatures on this planet! “He-you-mains” have domesticated them, and use them as chattel! While I find these methods to be abhorrent, the union of pony and “He-you-main” might be the only way for both species to travel between worlds! If Starlight is successful, then she will gladly lend her back to the candidate for travel! Saddle up, “He-you-main!” What… Both of us lose the blood in our faces, and we begin to laugh heavily. “Are…are you serious?! I have to-” “Yeah…I…I don’t really want to do that, Noah…it’s weird and creepy, but there might not be any other way for both of us to make it back to Equestria!” Well, it's not weird and creepy for humans to do that to horses, but Starlight can talk! That makes this a whole ‘nother level of awkward! Starlight cocks her head towards her back, and eyes her body very carefully. “I mean, in theory, this could work. I am 6 feet tall, you are…5’9? I wear saddlebags all the time with all sorts of stuff inside…and you weigh?” I take a minute to think about it, and I remember my weight from my last checkup, which was a week ago. “77 kilograms. Is that a problem?” I ask with a concerned look on my face, before Starlight hugs me with relief.  “Oh you silly human, I can bench press 400 kilograms! And that’s without magic! 77 kilograms is a cinch! It’s just the idea of having somepony…er…someone else controlling me to be quite alarming!” Controlling? Oh yeah, I guess from the horse’s perspective, it is controlling, but I don’t think we’ll be doing this for long, just so we can cross the rift to “Equestria”, right? I smile at Starlight, having made a decision: “Alrighty. I consent to this exchange program. I have nothing to lose from it, anyways, and I do need to make friends…quite badly at that. Next time you do this, don’t do “breaking and entering”!” I say with a smile, as Starlight smiles in return, teleporting the both of us outside in the freezing cold, without letting me get winter clothes. She quickly realizes this but uses a spell of some sort to increase my body temperature, so I am not freezing in the -40 C hellscape of Montreal. Starlight looks at the diagram in her notebook, showing a human riding a horse, and realizes that she doesn’t have a saddle or a bit/reins! “Noah…I think we need to get these two items…It’s not just about the human controlling the pony, but also to ensure they don’t fall off and hurt themselves! Wait one minute, and I’ll see if I can find these things. Stay right here! The unicorn teleports away…somewhere, leaving me in my driveway wondering what the hell I am doing with my life.  “Did…did I just sell my soul to a talking unicorn to go to a fantasyland to make friends?” I think to myself rather sarcastically. This situation isn’t ideal, but…my depression is really bad, and maybe these skills can help me make friends back here, after? I wait outside in the snow for around half an hour, wondering if the unicorn will ever make her way back to my house. “I knew this was just a fever dream…I am probably going to wake up in the hospital with hypothermia right about-.” Before I even had the opportunity to say “now”, Starlight teleports back into view with a few notable accessories. Her saddle is a matching purple to her fur, and the reins…well they’re green, but I don’t think she had a choice in the matter. She looks a bit silly with a bit in her mouth, but hey…she’s kinda roped into this. “Twilight Sparkle” said this is the only way for both of us to make the jump! “If I have to wear this darn thing in my mouth to get you to Equestria in one piece, then Princess Twilight better be giving me a raise. Now, hurry up and get on before I change my mind! Where I come from, Saddles are fashion accessories, not tools!” Well…Given that I already agreed, and that Starlight has proven to teleport and move things with her mind, the best way to go forward is to willingly climb astride her, rather than have Starlight teleport me onto her back. I walk slowly towards Starlight, fully realizing that I was about to ride a f*cking unicorn to another world. She looks rather warm and fuzzy! Carefully putting my right hand on the saddle, I try to lift myself onto Starlight with the stirrups, and…well let’s just say I have no upper body strength. I spent a good ten minutes trying to pull myself up, but I finally managed to do it, pulling my other leg over her, and putting the foot into the stirrup. I look around, realizing the finality of my choice. “Last Chance, Noah the human. You can back out now, or you can…” She shudders at the thought. “R…ride me… to Equestria.” Well. I am already mounted atop a unicorn in -40 C weather, so what are my options? “Okay, I’m ready. How are we going to get there? I assume you can’t gallop across galaxies?” I say sarcastically, to which I am only met with the reply of a hoof being stomped on the snow. “Leave that part to me, Noah. Just…don’t die, okay? The quantum shift hurts a bit, but it’s not that bad. Now…how does this thing work? Do I just…go? Do you…ask me to? Do you give me instructions?” “I’ve never ridden a horse, let alone a unicorn in my life, but I have seen a few Western movies. I think I need to gently tap my feet like this…” With a very small, tepid movement, I tap my two shoes against Starlight’s body. She instinctively begins to trot. She turns her head at me and grins. “Huh…a reflex? Cool. Now…I am going to gallop. I need space and velocity to activate the return spell, so…please hold onto those weird rope things for me, okay? Also we are NEVER doing this again, mark my words! I grin at the comment, not expecting to make Starlight undergo such a demeaning task again; although, weirder things have happened? Maybe she’ll like this and beg me to do it again? The universe is weird! Gripping the reins, Starlight began to gallop quite fast across the snow, building up a fair amount of speed. I feel her body warm-up, and I see her horn light up as well…it’s actually quite pretty! Is it just me or do unicorn horns  “Return to Equestria in 5…4…3…2…1..-” With a flash of her horn, I feel my entire body being ripped apart, atom by atom! I haven’t felt pain like that since my wisdom teeth were removed a few months ago! I kept my eyes open, and I saw a cascade of colors swirling around me, like a kaleidoscope on steroids! After a minute or two, I feel Starlight’s body begin to rematerialize, and all four of her hooves land onto a flat surface of some sort. She trots slowly towards a glass panel. “This is the mirror, Noah. When we cross the threshold, you’re in Equestria. First human ever to come here. Hold on, it’s going to jolt a bi-” And it does! I feel pulled towards the glass panel atop Starlight, and the two of us are spit out in a rather large hall, where I see six more of these sapient ponies sitting at a large table. Like Starlight described, I see three different kinds of ponies, each matching her description, with the exception of the mulberry purple one wearing a tiara. She looked…regal. She had wings and a horn! Starlight didn’t tell me that! Everyone (or is it everypony? I heard Starlight use that expression before!) stared at Starlight and then at me. Is it with contempt, acceptance, apathy? I don’t know! “Welcome back, Starlight!” The winged unicorn says with glee. “I see you brought Noah the “He-you-main” with you…promise me he won’t do that to me?” Well, this is one way to receive a welcome!