//------------------------------// // Chapter 1 // Story: Sun // by EquineWhoDoesStuff //------------------------------// I hold the two bottles in my magic, giving each lid a twist. From one, a round orange pill, my testosterone blocker. From the next, the little greenish tablets which have made my morning routine a lot more cheerful, my estrogen! Or, as the brand name medication proudly proclaims, 'Equestrogen.' I groan at that, but even the terrible pun can’t dampen my mood. Each morning I take them I can’t help but smile like— Well, like a little filly! The t-blocker I take with a sip of water, whilst the ‘Equestrogen’ sits under my tongue to dissolve. They leave a strange little aftertaste that I haven’t quite gotten used to yet, chalky and musty, yet also sort of sweet. Medicine sweet, not Pinkie pie sweet. I might mind it more, but the taste is a lasting reminder that I’m actually on hormones! The idea that Estrogen is circulating through my body at that very moment is so wonderful! Not to mention fascinating! It’s amazing how substituting the levels of a couple chemicals can convince a pony’s body to extensively alter itself! As I set down the bottles, and look into the mirror, my smile becomes more thoughtful. It can be… hard to define what I see when I look in the mirror. I still just look like a stallion. No. That thought is inaccurate. I still look like how I did before starting HRT. Which is to be expected, it hasn’t been nearly long enough for visible changes to occur. I tilt my head up, inspecting my jawline. It’s not bad per say. It’s definitely somewhat square, but I’ve never had the strongest jaw, thank goodness. Tilting my head back down, I inspect again. Honestly, just my new longer mane cut does a lot for the overall shape of my face. It still doesn’t scream mare, but it doesn’t scream colt either, and I’ll take the androgyny over how I used to present. It’s… fine. However, I’m now self aware enough to know that fine isn’t enough for me. I want to like how I look. Funny how shocking that idea was to me. I’m not sure how I’ll actually get to that point, a thought that still fills me with dread. Hormones won’t do very much for facial structure. But I’ve seen how I look when Rarity does my makeup, so I know that I can look pretty. Pinkie and Rainbow say my face is pretty all the time, so I suppose they’re entitled to that opinion as well. As for the rest of my body. Well, I… actually kind of like it? The same features that made me, as Rainbow so colorfully put it, ‘Twinky’ as a stallion, actually make me look kinda cute in my own eyes! I’m not incredibly lithe, but I am tall and don’t have a particularly big build. My academic career hasn’t given me too much incentive towards working out, and as a result my physique is somewhat… soft. Which is something I actually really appreciate, it eases some of my harder edges.  I’m not quite as soft or curvy as I’d like to be. But that is a change I actually am optimistic about! Wanting my body to be softer and curvier? Hormones replacement therapy can do that. Through the wonders of modern medical science, I can modify my own body and shift it closer towards what I want! Which, to put it lightly, is extremely exciting! I’ve seen pictures of Fluttershy as a growing filly, and she really was just skin and bones. She’s still tall and slim, but after years of HRT she’s filled out considerably. The idea that I could be as beautiful as her one day is enough to put a hopeful smile on my face. I’m genuinely unsure if I even want to be the most feminine looking mare around. I like looking cute, and I like looking pretty. And if I succeed at all that, it'll be more than enough for me to feel satisfied. Probably. I give myself one more once over in the mirror. All in all, I’m doing pretty good. Comparing that to where I started out, having positive things to say about my image in the mirror is an immense difference! And I remind myself of that often, both to make the waiting easier, and just because… liking myself is a nice habit to get into . Mane already brushed, and my morning routine complete, I head out into the library. There isn’t much more packing to be done. I got a good head start last night, out of a sense of preparedness. Definitely not because I couldn’t sleep. Well. Alright. Nerves may have been part of it. I mean, who wouldn’t be nervous? I’ll be on a train to Canterlot this morning, and the Grand Galloping Gala is tomorrow! I honestly don't know whether ponies will see a mare when they look at me. Even putting aside my own insecurities, how am I supposed to predict how ponies will perceive me? I've never once understood how neurotypical ponies do that. That uncertainty certainly doesn't help things, which is why I'm putting so much effort into making things just right. As I cast around for things I might have missed in my packing, my eyes land on the letter that’s  been sitting on my desk for a while now. I’d been debating whether there was any reason to take it with me. Like I often do, I pick it up and carefully unfurl the letter to look it over once more. The three days it took for Celestia’s reply letter to appear was perhaps the most anxious period of waiting in my memory. Looking over the elegant script, I read to myself. My dearest and most faithful student, Twilight Sparkle. It delights me to hear of your self realization! Ever since moving to Ponyville, I have watched you bloom into the wonderful open hearted pony I always knew you could be, and this is but the latest step in that journey. I am so very grateful you would share it with me. I must apologize for my long delay in sending this reply, it was not my intent to foster your anxiety these past few days. Instead, I must admit I did not quite understand what ‘Agender Trans Mare’ meant upon receiving your letter. I had to task Raven with finding me a more modern lexicon of transexual terms. Over the centuries I have met many of those ones like you, whose true selves did not align with the norms of their cultures. But these new identity labels popular among the youths unfortunately passed me by! I strive to make sure medical services are available to all my little ponies, but please let me know if there are any resources or recommendations you need. I know a great deal about the medical practitioners in and around Canterlot. The Grand Galloping Gala is coming up soon, and it would be a wonderful chance to talk to you in person. I hope to see you and your friends there! Since we won’t have the chance to speak in person for a little while yet, let me close my letter by saying this; I am very proud of you, and the ‘Agender Transgender Mare’ that you have become. Sincerely, Princess Celestia. The letter still makes me smile from ear to ear when I read it. The language was a bit stilted in places, but the Princess’s heart was obviously in the right place! Celestia doesn’t just accept me, she’s proud of me! It’s everything I could’ve hoped for. And now I get to spend the Gala catching up with my mentor, as the real me! It’s going to be the best night ever! And all I have to do to get there is come out to my parents, who haven't seen me in months and who could react in any number of ways, all of which I can't really predict! Then present as a mare at the most esteemed social gathering in Equestria. For a whole night. In front of my mentor, the highest echelons of Canterlot society, and nearly every newspony in Equestria. And I have to do it while appearing elegant and collected and deserving of my personal tutoring. Given that I am the personal student of the princess, said newsponies will likely broadcast the news of my transition in their papers for everypony in Equestria.  Yep. Easy.  I fold the letter back up, then slip it into my waiting saddlebag. I perk my ears up, and give my best attempt at a smile. “Best night ever, here I come." I decided a while ago that I'd have to come out to my parents before the Gala. I’d be mortified if they found out I was a mare from some gossip rag instead of from me personally. I'd just been waiting for the right time to do it. And I waited, and waited a little bit more. And eventually I decided that I was going to Canterlot for the Gala anyway, and so why not save a trip and tell them then?  At the last possible moment… It seemed reasonable to past me. But now that present me has to actually go do it, it seems much less so. As I stare out the window of the morning train to Canterlot, the light seems too bright, the rumbling of the train too jarring, and the sounds of strangers around me too irritating. I don't particularly love travel anyway, I really don't love travel right before big events. But there are some things that can make it better. Mainly, having friends by my side. Pinkie and Fluttershy both volunteered to come along to support me with my parents. Pinkie’s on the seat next to mine, while Fluttershy sits on the row across from us. The others would’ve come along too, but they had prior commitments. Rainbow still had weather duty the morning of the gala, Rarity had orders to finish, and Applejack was working on getting her wares ready for the Gala up until the last minute. So they’d be arriving tomorrow night before the Gala, as originally planned. I was a little sad not to have both of my… friends I kiss… coming with me. But in the end it isn’t all that different, they’re all my friends and we all care about each other. Plus, I’m honestly a little relieved I won’t have to worry about Rainbow Dash trying to fight my parents if things go wrong! Not that things will go wrong. I’ve been trying my very best to think of anything besides things going wrong. They won’t go wrong. I keep staring out the window. Then Pinkie’s hoof wraps around my shoulder, and she leans in to nuzzle me. “Don’t worry Twi Twi!! Me and Fluttershy are here, which means everything’s going to be okie dokie!” I glance at Fluttershy on the seat across from us. She smiles and gives a small nod. I’m glad to have Fluttershy here. She’s gone through the same things, and that makes me feel a lot more confident about what comes next. But feeling how close Pinkie is, I blush a little under Fluttershy’s gaze.. I still haven’t told my other friends about me and Pinkie and Rainbow. I’m not hiding it! I’m just not telling it yet either... Not least of all because, well, what are we together? ‘Friends I kiss’ is not a sufficient or mutually agreed upon classification. If even I don’t have the words, how am I supposed to explain it to others? Pinkie is touchy with all her friends, and I’m not sure if what she’s doing now looks any different from the outside. And if Fluttershy notices anything, she doesn’t say so. I’m not nearly good enough at reading facial expressions to guess at any hidden meaning.  So I simply allow myself to bask in Pinkie’s warmth around me, trying to look composed.  Pinkie continues. “And, tomorrow we get to go to a big party! What’s better than that?”  I smile. Granted, the party aspect of the Grand Galloping Gala isn’t really what I’m excited about, but I am excited.   “The Gala will be like your big reward for being such a super brave amazing pony today!” Pinkie says.  “Yeah… Absolutely!” I say, smiling back at her. But as soon she looks away from me, I go right back to staring out the window.  From the distance the spires of Canterlot approach, moving faster and faster as winding lengths of train track slide behind us. I lean against Pinkie, and close my eyes.  I hope I can be a brave pony today.