Grogar and Cain stood outside a door. “What were we doing in there?” Cain asked.
“We went in there?” Grogar replied.
Satanic Cultist glared at them from down the hall. Grogar turned to face Satanic Cultist.
“You were supposed to go in there and grab what was in there!” he angrily said. “GET BACK IN THERE OR I’LL CUT OFF YOUR HEAD!”
Grogar and Cain shuffled into the room. They soon returned with nothing. “What were we doing in there?” Cain asked.
“OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! GRAB THE THING IN THERE THEN PUT IT IN A BAG SO WE CAN GO!”
“What thing? I don’t even remember going in there!”
“Oh yeah... uh, I may have forgotten to mention that you can’t really remember that it exists.”
“How do you remember it exists?” Grogar asked.
“Plot convenience.”
“Fair enough.”
Satanic Cultist opened the door, procured an excessively large sack from his cloak, and entered. When he returned, the thing inside the sack was clawing at the sack and meowing.
“Is that a cat?”
“His name is Pudding,” Satanic Cultist replied. Pudding meowed again. “There’s a few other things we need before we can go.”
“I’m sure you all know what happened with the recent escape of multiple dangerous anomalies,” O5-8 began. “682 has not been located, and neither has 106.”
“But, we did recapture everything else,” O5-9 said.
“Everything else except for 058 and 2845, which are still at large,” O5-4 corrected. “Well, we know exactly where 2845 is, but 058 for some reason still hasn’t wiped Chicago off the face of the earth.”
“The fact that our reality warping deer in a completely different site managed to escape is worrying,” O5-2 said.
“Dr. Bright should not have done those cross tests,” O5-7 said. “073 was neutralized. We could have gotten a lot more information out of him. Who votes we demote Bright to D-Class?”
Everyone raised their hands. “Now, about 058,” O5-3 said, “I think we should have put a tracker on it immediately after capture.”
“There have been no deaths relating to the lizard or the old man,” O5-10 said.
“Kinda strange,” O5-12 responded.
“I agree with three,” O5-11 said.
“Somehow 055 just disappeared,” O5-4 brought up, “while we were all talking to each other. They’re on the move.”
“Do we even have a 055?" O5-5 asked.
"Yes, yes we do," O5-7 answered. "Send whoever's available from the Antimemetics division to deal with it."
"Do we even have an Antimemetics division?" O5-2 asked.
"I fucking founded the Antimemetics division," O5-7 said.
“The GOC just told me that they’re dealing with the deer,” O5-6 said.
“Guys, shut up and let’s demote Bright to D-Class,” O5-1 said, ending the conversation.
“Attention Doctor Jack Bright! You have been demoted to D-Class!"
Dr. Bright pranced around the room dressed as Kim Jong-Un, drawing stares from his colleagues. The golden retriever known as Dr. Kain Pathos Crow stared for a little while, then barked.
“Hello fellow SCP Foundation researchers!” Dr. Bright dressed as Kim Jong-Un announced, “I have gathered you here so I can create the avengers!”
“Isn’t there something against that?” asked Dr. Kondraki.
“Nope,” Dr. Gears replied without even looking up from the paper he was reading.
“You shall be my first recruits!” Dr. Bright pointed at Dr. Clef, Dr. Gears, Dr. Kondraki, and Kain Pathos Crow. “We shall also recruit our anomalous humanoids!”
“I feel like I’m losing brain cells every second,” Dr. Clef muttered.
“What do you think you’re doing?” O5-2 said over the PA. “A few more things you’re not allowed to do: commit suicide by SCP, create the Avengers, literally anything that your fellow researchers would not do, save for maybe Clef.”
“That’s rude,” Dr. Clef said.
“Shut up and accept it,” O5-8 said.
Dr. Bright held up a list.
To recruit:
Dr. Clef (this is easy, chainsaw cannons)
Dr. Kondraki (give him the chance to ride that lizard thing and he shall ride into battle)
Dr. Gears (idk I give up)
Kain Pathos Crow (doggy toys may help)
SCP-049 (medic)
SCP-105 (something I forgot why)
SCP-343 (he’s literally God)
SCP-999 (moral support)
SCP-2800 (CACTUS MAN TO THE RESCUE!)
SCP-2273 (russian armored soldier dude)
SCP-082 (idk just entertain him, he’s the muscle)
SCP-5031 (he’s the chef, don’t ask)
SCP-5151 (fighter)
SCP-1233 (wild card)
SCP-5514 (big guy)
SCP-4494 (JUSTICE)
SCP-076-2 (he can get revenge for his brother’s death or something idk I might be high)
SCP-420-J (idk man, just bring it along, dude)
Dr. Niles Hessen (she shall bring the force of whatever the hell that eldritch abomination is supposed to be)
SCP-729-J (the spawn of satan shall help us in these trying times)
“... how many drugs were you on?” Kain Pathos Crow asked telepathically.
“Yes,” Dr. Bright responded unhelpfully as he usually did.
“Well, let’s get this party started!” Dr. Clef pulled a chainsaw cannon out of nowhere and shot it into the ceiling, which brought a sizable chunk of the ceiling crashing down on them, fortunately missing all of them. Somehow. I don’t know, I’m just the narrator.
Dr. Clef entered SCP-049’s chamber, where the Plague Doctor was doing surgery on a deceased gorilla on a metal table. A teddy bear which had a patch of a human heart sat between the gorilla’s feet. The Plague Doctor made an incision somewhere and then did some other stuff idk man I’m not a surgeon.
The gorilla came to life. SCP-049 turned around and noticed Dr. Clef. “Hello, what can I assist you with?”
“Well, we’re about to fight that lizard thing you say is full of pestilence, and we could use the backup.”
“Say no more.” SCP-049 packed up all of its medical supplies into a small bag. A tiny version of SCP-049 popped out from underneath the operating table. SCP-049-J jumped into the bag and zipped it from the inside. SCP-049 picked up the teddy bear, and the gang walked out, deceased gorilla included.
An orange blob of goo carried a handbell next to two adorable eye pods. Dr. Clef followed behind with a chainsaw cannon in both hands. Dr. Gears held a small handgun. SCP-049 and SCP-049-J walked on both sides of Dr. Gears, with 049-J standing on Dr. Bright’s shoulder. An abnormally large man roughly 8 feet tall walked behind the group, holding a giant club. A humanoid fire creature and a humanoid water creature followed side by side.
On the other side of the hallway, a humanoid cactus man and a floating butcher knife walked alongside two seemingly normal humans. A bearded man in a white robe walked in front of them. Kain Pathos Crow padded along in behind them, followed by Dr. Niles Hessen holding a yellow rabbit toy. Everyone in front of Dr. Hessen was sweating and visibly scared.
“Good, everyone’s here. Now, the last thing to do is for Dr. Hessen to put that thing back where it came from or so help me!” Dr. Bright held up a wooden cross.
Dr. Hessen placed the rabbit toy into her purse.
“Anyway, uh, Stabby McGee refused to come along and said something along the lines of good riddance.”
“What are we even doing?” Dr. Clef asked.
“No clue.”
“Fair point.”
“Warning: SCP-029 has breached containment. I repeat, SCP-029 has breached containment.”
“Alright, first mission I guess!”
Satanic Cultist dropped his sack into a portal which conveniently opened for him. The gang continued onward to another point, in front of SCP-029’s containment chamber. They stood there for a full minute before Grogar asked, “The heck are we doing just standing here?”
Satanic Cultist held up a single finger. After a moment, Strykore popped out of the ceiling.
“So Sombra sent more than just you. Thank- uh... I don’t know,” Cain said.
“Oh yeah, God hates you,” Grogar noted.
“He doesn’t hate anybody, or so he says.”
Strykore placed his hands on the door, dark magic channeling through them. “I could have done that,” Grogar complained.
The door shattered into a million pieces. Behind that door was another door. Strykore repeated the process. Behind that door was yet another door.
When they finally broke through, they saw a female, almost completely black, cowering on the floor, floodlights shining on her. Strykore blasted one of the floodlights, sending it crashing to the floor.
Grogar did the same to the other, sending the room into almost complete darkness. Only the light from Grogar’s horns did anything to light up the room.
The female laughed. The lights turned back on, but not the floodlights. Magical Douchebag restrained her in a magical aura.
“How did you know I was going to kill them?” the Daughter of Shadows asked.
“I read ahead in the script,” Magical Douchebag replied.
“How?”
“Plot armor.”
“That- that doesn’t make sense.”
“Where’s the fun in making sense?” The moment Magical Douchebag finished that sentence, a very familiar draconequus popped into the room.
“Ooh, someone quoting me. Tell me, where do you draw the line for what counts as tea?”
“Crude oil is tea,” Magical Douchebag replied.
“That’s where you draw the line?” Magical Douchebag nodded. “Thanks for your opinion!” Discord snapped his “fingers” and disappeared.
Magical Douchebag focused magical energy into his baseball bat, teleporting SCP-029 to the base.
“We have dominion, lack, and hope left,” Satanic Cultist said. Everyone turned around as Dr. Bright and Dr. Clef wielding chainsaw cannons busted into the room even though the doors were already destroyed.
“Freeze, peasants!” they shouted simultaneously. Cain held up his fist, which lit up in blue fire. He charged at them, but missed and crashed into the wall in the hallway.
When he recovered, he was surrounded by a well-dressed butler, a blob of orange goo, a golden retriever in a lab coat, and a plague doctor. The tickle monster smiled adorably and held a cookie aggressively at Cain. “Eat the cookie or I fill your internal organs with C4 and detonate you in the middle of the Kremlin,” it said telepathically.
Meanwhile, Dr. Clef and Dr. Bright shot chainsaws at the gang. Magical Douchebag attempted to deflect every chainsaw, which only resulted in his baseball bat being sliced in half. The two doctors continued to open fire until they ran out of chainsaws, which then they noticed that everyone was long gone, and the entire room was just chainsaws, rubble, and chainsaw rubble.
Dark Lord and the Scarlet King watched seven chains hanging on a door. They were tethered to a large lock in the center, keeping the door closed. Five of the seven chains snapped. The remaining chains glowed red.
“Once they are all brought together, I shall be released into the world!” The Scarlet King turned to Dark Lord. “You were right. Your cultist is most impressive. Five out of seven."
"Not all of them are agreed to be your seven children," Dark Lord pointed out.
"Bold of you to assume I only had seven. I have seven generations of seven children." As they spoke, a bovine heart with four spiky insect legs and tentacles covered in spines crawled up the door. Dark Lord waved his hand, and the Heart of Darkness teleported to the base.
"Well, now that five of your children are in one place, mind telling me who the rest are?"
"There's an easy way to do this, and a fun way."
"The fun way."
They gather round the natal bed
The foolish and the wise
They fear the child yet to be born
Whose voice shall rend the skies
The faithful watch the forest
For the coming of the King
Their lanterns bright, they wait at night
For the new world he shall bring
When the first had given birth
Then all the birds did sing
Her screaming cries did shake the skies
As she called out for her King
By doctor's blade the second bade
A life into the world
Untimely hewn neath a silent moon
The King's red flag unfurled
His bride the third remained unheard
Her cries for help ignored
She stopped her life with a surgeon's knife
And gave it to Our Lord
The fourth prepares a dagger
And places it at her heart
The perfect cure cannot make pure
What the King has set apart
The fifth one's crown was bearing down
Upon the fox's set
The den was sundered with mighty thunder
An apocalypse beget
On the sixth's day, the walls gave way
And the oceans turned to ash
Her birth gave work, as the earth shook
Underneath the King's fell lash
The seventh bride will break the tides
The moon no more will shine
There comes a day not far away
She'll birth the death of time