//------------------------------//
// Chapter 12 
// Story: Prototype 2: Equestria Zero 
// by 2ndGearSage 
//------------------------------//

                                                                                         Chapter 12


‘Why am I here?’

This wasn’t the first time he had asked himself this question. The moment he found out that magical, talking ponies were the dominant species on this world, that one question had been repeating in his mind ever since. 

Seriously, why?

If that black hole really was some kind of dimensional gateway that could send him to different universes, why then, in Gods-fucking-name did it send him here? Why couldn’t it have sent him to a world of horny, big-breasted women? Or how about a world where you could drink all the beer that you wanted till you threw up? Hell, he would have taken a post-apocalyptic world where the entire population was made up of brain-eating zombies. At least that environment would have been familiar to him and he could have had some fun. But no, he was instead sent to the world of magical fucking ponies. 

Magical. Fucking. Ponies.

Why does God hate him?!

But he was getting off track.

For you see, the reason he had asked his earlier question of ‘Why am I here?’ was not to question why he was he now trapped in a world of magical fucking ponies. He had (kind of) come to peace with that. No, the reason he had asked that question was because of the situation he had currently found himself in.

He was sitting at a table, one of those long-ass ones that he'd always see rich people eating off of. At one end of the table sat Luna, and on the other end was an empty seat that he assumed was for Celestia. He was next to Luna, sitting in one of the side chairs to the right of her.

Unfortunately, he was not alone.

Occupying the other side chairs, were the so-called Elements of Harmony, and aside from Twilight, none of them looked particularly comfortable with being in the same room as him.

Twilight occupied the seat next to him, and was thankfully not badgering him with a million questions at once, instead opting to glance at him out of the corner of her eye when she thought he wasn’t looking. Next to her was Rarity, who was doing her best to look calm, but visibly tensed up whenever he coughed, shuffled in his seat, or did much of anything really. Pinkie Pie, who seemed to be in a much lighter mood since he had last seen her, sat next to Rarity, staring at him curiously. As uncomfortable as they (or at least Rarity) looked, it still wasn’t as bad of a reaction as he expected them to have.

On the other side of the table, however, the reactions were not so nice.

Sitting directly across from him was Applejack, who still didn’t trust him if the glowering look she kept sending him was any indication. Next to Applejack, sat Rainbow Dash, her wings bandaged, and her eyes narrowed in anger at the one she blamed for her injury. Finally, there was Fluttershy, who unsurprisingly, was sitting the farthest away from him and who was absolutely refusing to even look in his direction, instead choosing to examine the table cloth.

To say the situation was awkward would have been the understatement of the century. 

Folding his arms behind his head, he leaned back in the chair, a bored sigh escaping his lips as he stared up at the ceiling. 

‘Shoulda stayed in my damn room.’  Glancing over at Luna, he saw that she looked equally as bored as him and was probably thinking the same thing as well. 

Other than Luna’s constant attempts at ‘flirting’ with him, the rest of the night had gone by without incident. They spent the rest of the night on that balcony trading stories, with Luna recounting the events that had transpired since her return, such as the return of Discord, as well as the Changeling invasion. He, in turn, entertained her with tales of his own exploits, deliberately leaving out the gory details of course. He simply told her how he had face monsters of all shapes and sizes, including some that rivaled dragons in terms of size and strength, much to her disbelief.

They had been so engrossed in each other’s stories that they had completely missed the sunrise and hadn’t even realized it was morning till a guard came up and told them. The same guard had escorted them down to the dining hall where breakfast would be served, only to find that they were the first ones there and that the breakfast hadn’t even been started yet. The guard left soon afterwards, but not before informing them that the food would be ready momentarily.

That was ten minutes ago, and so far there had been no sign of the food and more importantly, no sign of Celestia. 

‘Where is she? I thought Princesses were supposed to be punctual and all that shit.’ He thought impatiently.

He couldn’t deal with all this waiting. Celestia had promised to find him a way home and if he didn’t get some kind of news in the next few minutes he was going to snap, and God help any pony that was around him when he did.

He sent another towards Luna, who noticed it this time and responded by smiling brightly at him and waving. Almost instantly, he felt his anger ebb away and he sent her a small smile in return.

‘How does she manage to do that?’ 

He and Luna had done more than just tell stories; they cracked jokes, had a few laughs, and – he couldn’t believe he was saying this – but he actually had fun. No one, not even Shining Armor, had managed to get that kind of reaction out him, yet with Luna… he didn’t know what it was, but for some reason he felt like he could relax around her, let down his defenses and actually have a good time.

Only one other person had been able to affect him like that, had been able to make his problems and his anger just seem so insignificant.

‘Good God, would you listen to me? Next thing you know I’m gonna be in bed with her.’ He paused for a moment, a very disturbing mental image of him and Luna in bed together doing… things briefly crossing his mind before being promptly shot to pieces. ‘Okay, never, ever, think about that again. Ever.’

“James, are you alright? You’re looking really green.” He heard Twilight ask. Both her and Luna were looking at him with matching worried expressions.

“Ugh, yeah I’m fine.” He tried to reassure them, though neither of them looked convinced. 

“Are you sure? We can get the doctor if you-“

She was cut off midsentence by the sound of the dining hall doors opening. He swerved his head in the direction of the entrance, fully expecting to see Celestia standing there in the doorway, hopefully with some good news to tell him. Much to his disappointment, it was not the elegant and powerful form of the sun deity like he had hoped. Instead, there were two pnies standing there, one of whom he recognized as Shining Armor, and the other one was a female that he had never seen before.

If he had to make a list of the girliest looking ponies from the few that he’d seen since being here… Celestia would definitely be at the top, though this new girl would be a close second.  Her coat was a light shade of pink and her mane and tail were made up of streaks of different colors, specifically purple and gold. Spotting the horn on top of her head, as well as the tiara behind it, he looked over at her side and just as he predicted, she had a pair of wings as well.

‘Three Princesses? What else didn’t that damn dragon know?’ He wondered.

Next to him, Twilights reaction to seeing this new pony was much more enthusiastic. “Cadance!” She shouted in joy, jumping out of her seat and running towards the pony now identified as Cadance.

“Twilight!” She shouted just as happily, holding out her arms to envelop the unicorn in a massive hug. “It’s good to see you again. How have you been?” She asked, releasing her as she did so.

“I’ve been great, thanks for asking.” She responded, her face beaming with joy. “And what about you? How have you been holding up?” 

“Oh, I’ve been doing well. The honeymoon was fantastic. Hoofululu really is beautiful this time of year. The sun, the beach, the food,  it was paradise. Really, the only bad thing was your brother’s snoring. I’m surprised he didn’t wake up everypony in Equestria with how loud he was.”

Shining Armor rolled his eyes at the remark, while Twilight giggled. “That sounds like my brother alright. When we were kids, my parents and I would have to barricade our door’s shut just so we could sleep at night – and half the time we could still hear him.”

The glare Shining Armor was sending her could have melted steel, but all Twilight did was grin at him smugly. ‘Consider that payback for that little stunt you pulled yesterday in the throne room.’

Cadance was completely oblivious to the internal argument between the two siblings, still trying to reign in her laughter after hearing Twilight’s story. Eventually she spoke, a few giggles still escaping her lips “Oh, that story was hilarious Twilight, but I bet it’s not as funny as this one. See, Shining Armor and I decided to take a swim in the hotel pool one day-“

“Cadance, please!” Shining Armor interjected, a mortified look on his face.

“Quiet dear, I’m talking. Anyway, we were at the pool and Shining Armor, wanting to impress me I suppose, climbed on top of the diving board and attempted to do one of those stunts that you’d see professional divers perform. Emphasis on ‘attempted’, because it was anything but professional. Sure he started out good, did a few impressive spins and flips, but when it came to the landing, well…”

“He belly-flopped?” Twilight finished, barely holding back her laughter.

“Hard.” 

Whatever willpower Twilight was using to keep herself under control shattered at that one word, collapsing to the ground and clutching her rib’s as boisterous laughter escaped her lungs. Cadance joined her soon after, both of them rolling on the ground in uncontrollable laughter.

As Shining Armor glared at his traitorous little sister and wife, he failed to notice another one of his ‘friends’ sneaking up on him. Feeling a hand on his shoulder, it took only a second for him to figure out who was standing right next to him.

“Women.” Heller commented, patting him on the shoulder sympathetically.

“Heller.” He responded tersely, roughly knocking the hand away.

“What crawled up your ass and died?” He asked, taking note of Shining Armor’s sour mood.

“Oh, nothing crawled up my flank. It’s just the Princess chewed it out last night because of you.” He heatedly replied.

“Tch, let me guess, it was because of your use of ‘excessive force’ right? That’s your fault, man. You’re the one who dropped a damn lightning bolt on me.”

“Only because you stubbornly refused to come in quietly.” Shining Armor shot back.

“Only because you acted like a douchebag and tried to boss me around.” Heller countered.

“Only because you- wait, a what-bag?”

“…Forget it.” He sighed. “Anyway, aren’t you gonna introduce me to your-“ He stopped suddenly , a look of utter bewilderment on his face as he stared at something behind Shining Armor. “The fuck are they doing?”

Looking behind him, Shining Armor facehooved when he saw what had Heller so baffled. "Oh, no."

Twilight and Cadance paid the two of them no heed as they skipped in place, chanting as they did so:

Sunshine, sunshine 
Ladybugs awake
Clap your hooves
And do a little shake

At that last line, they waved their flanks at each other and once again, collapsed to the ground with laughter. While Shining Armor rolled his eyes at their childish behavior, Heller’s eye was twitching repeatedly as he tried to put into proper words what the fuck he just witnessed.

Giving up after five seconds, he asked out loud, “Someone want to fill me in on what the fuck I just witnessed?”

“That’s their uh… secret dance.” Shining Armor answered sheepishly.

“My God…”

“Well, like you said: women.”

“Even our women aren’t this damn crazy.” He whispered under his breath. “But whatever, your fucked up ass family, your problem.”

Shining Armor glared at him. “I’ll let that insult to my wife and sister slide this time, but don’t push your luck.” He warned. 

“I’m terrified. Now you gonna introduce me to your wife or not?”

Shining Armor mumbled something about 'kicking his sarcastic flank later' but turned towards Cadance anyway. “Cadance, can you come here for a moment?” He called out to his wife. 

Cadance stood up from where she was lying with Twilight and trotted over to where her husband and Heller were waiting, Twilight trailing close behind her. “Yes dear?” She asked once she was next to him.

“Heller, I’d like to introduce you to my wife, Cadance. Cadance, this is the pain in the flank I was telling you about last night, James Heller.”

Cadance smiled kindly at him and stuck her hoof out in greeting. “A pleasure to meet you James Heller, Shining Armor has told me much about you.”

Heller shook her outstretched hoof. “Oh really? Did he tell you how I made him and his men take it up the ass yesterday?”

“Heller!” Shining Armor shouted at him, striking him in the arm (and instantly regretting it) as Cadance and Twilight blushed a bright shade of red.

Before more could be said (and before a shouting match began between Heller and Shining Armor), the dining room doors were pushed open once again. Instead of Celestia (much to Heller’s disappointment…again), multiple unicorns wearing chef uniforms came rushing through the doorway, all of them pushing carts that held trays of what he presumed was food, the lids on top preventing him from seeing what was underneath. They stopped in their tracks however, when they spotted Heller standing there. They stared at him for a long while and something that Heller immediately picked up on was that they weren’t staring at him with fear in their eyes, but with curiosity. Some were even looking at him in amazement, whispering excitedly between themselves as they pointed at him.

He recalled something Luna had said about how the castle workers wanted to meet ‘the creature who saved the Elements of Harmony.’ He almost hadn’t believed her then, but now…

“Alright, what’s the hold up!?” A loud, female voice broke through the whispers. A unicorn wearing a chef’s hat stepped forward, frowning angrily at her staff. “You guys are supposed to be passing the food out, not- OH MY GOSH, IT’S REAL!” She screamed frantically, pointing a trembling hoof at Heller.

He frowned at the unicorn for referring to him as an ‘it’, but before he could call her out on it, someone else did it for him.

“Yes, he is real and he is a guest in my castle and you will treat him as such, understand.” Luna, who had remained completly silent up until this point, told her harshly.

The chef gulped at the death glare Luna was sending her way and nodded her head slowly. “O-of course Princess. I apologize for my rudeness, sir.” She bowed apologetically at Heller, who nodded his head.

“Don’t mention it. Now can you hurry up and pass the food out, I’m fucking starving.”

“As you wish, sir.” Signaling towards her staff, the assembled unicorns got to work on fulfilling her orders. Their horns glowing with magic, they levitated each tray of food off the cart and placed them in front of every pony sitting at the table.

As they completed their task, Heller turned to Shining Armor and his family. “I don’t know about you guys, but I’m fucking starving. Let’s eat.” All three of them nodded their heads, and as they began to follow Heller back to the table, he called out, “Oh, and Cadance?” He looked back at the Princess. “I’ll be sure to describe to you, in detail, how I made your husband my bitch.”

“Heller, I’m gonna kick your-“

“Shining Armor!” Cadance chided, despite the newfound blush that washed over her cheeks.

“I know, I know, language.” He grumbled, sending Heller a death glare even as he and Cadance took their seats at the end of the table next to Fluttershy.

As the last tray of food was placed on the table, the unicorn chef and her staff bowed their heads respectfully at Luna. “Will you and your guests’ be needing anything else Princess?”

“No, that will be all, thank you.” Luna politely declined.

Nodding their heads’ one last time, they ushered themselves out of the dining hall, silently closing the door shut behind them.

The Princesses didn't mess around when it came to food, that much was obvious. He had never seen such an impressive spread of food in his entire life: Freshly baked muffins and bread, an assortment of fresh fruit, two tall pitchers of orange juice and milk, and a variety of condiments such as butter, syrup, and jelly were scattered across the table. But he cared nothing for the appetizers, hungrily eyeing the main course in front of him. He couldn't tell what it was due to the lid obscuring his view, but whatever it was smelled delicious.

“Well, I see no point in waiting any longer. Dig in everypony!”  Luna declared, lifting the lid off her own plate.

“Amen to that!” He responded excitedly, grabbing hold of the lid and lifting it open, fully expecting to see a delicious meal.

“The fuck is this?!”

Everyone at the table nearly leapt out of their seats when Heller’s agitated voice assaulted their ears. They all turned to look at him, some clearly irritated, wondering what the problem was now.

“Is there something wrong James?” Luna asked worriedly.

“Yeah, what is this?” He repeated, referring to the ‘food’ that was currently lying on his plate. At first glance they looked like a regular stack of pancakes. Smelled like them too. There was just one itsy-bitsy problem…

“Why the fuck are there flowers sticking out of these pancakes?”

“…Because they’re daisy pancakes?” Luna said slowly, clearly not seeing what the problem was.

“Daisy…pancakes.” He repeated the words slowly, almost as if he couldn’t believe them.

“Yes, don’t you like-“  She stopped midsentence, her eyes slowly widening in comprehension.

“You don’t eat our food do you?” The words came out in a low whisper.

At the shake of his head, she silently chastised herself for her stupidity. Of course he doesn’t eat the same food as us; he’s a completely different species! What in the world made her think that they could possibly consume the same things?

“I-I’m so sorry James, I should have asked you what kind of food your people ate. Don’t worry, I’m sure the cooks can-“

“You know what, its fine.” He pushed the plate away. “I’m not hungry anymore.”

“Are you sure James? The cooks won’t mind making you something else.”

“Yeah, I’m sure. Anyone who wants this come and get-“

A pink blur shot across the table and a second later, his plate had been completely picked clean. Coincidently, a certain sugar-crazed pony was happily chewing on something in her mouth, moans of pleasure escaping her lips with each bite. Swallowing audibly, she gave a satisfied sigh as she patted her belly, only to notice that everyone's eyes were now trained on her.

“What?”

“…it.” He finished blankly. Giving a long, drawn out sigh, he leaned back in the chair and closed his eyes. ‘Breakfast just started and I already feel like bashing my fucking head against a wall. Celestia still isn’t here, I’m starving, and I can’t even eat the goddamn food! Can this morning get any worse?!”

“So James…” Began the unmistakable voice of Twilight Sparkle.

‘Oh fuck you universe, fuck you!’

“Yes Twilight?” He answered through gritted teeth, hoping she’d catch the annoyed undertone in his voice that clearly stated 'leave me the fuck alone.'

No such luck. “How did you sleep last night?” She asked, giving him the cheesiest looking grin he’d ever seen in his life.

“Pretty good.” He grumbled.

“That’s good.” She then proceeded to scoot her chair uncomfortably close to him and asked, “Soooo… now that you’ve had a good night’s sleep, do you think you’re in a better mood to talk now?”

“First off: Personal. Fucking. Space. Do you understand it?” The tone of his voice told her all she needed to know and she wisely scooted back to her original spot, grinning innocently at him as she did so. “Second, ask Luna if you’ve got any questions. I told her pretty much everything about me last night.”

Twilight blinked. “Last night? You and… Princess Luna?” Twilight wasn’t the only one who was surprised. Everyone was now looking at him with similar looks of disbelief.

“Oh we had quite the ‘conversation’ alright, didn’t we James.” Luna’s voice took on almost sultry tone as she spoke, looking at him with suggestive eyes.  “Yes, it was such a long and deep conversation wasn’t it?”

“Oh my.” Rarity gasped, her face, as well as the faces of Fluttershy and Cadance, were as red of tomatoes. Shining Armor, who had been taking a sip of orange juice at the moment, promptly spat it out all over the table, while  Applejack’s, Rainbow Dash’s, and Pinkie Pie’s jaws nearly dropped to the floor. Twilight’s reaction was probably the worse out of all of them: Her eyes looked like they were close to bursting out of her skull with how wide they were, that is if she didn’t break her neck first from how fast she kept looking back and forth between the two of them. Her mouth tried to form sentences, but all that came out were jumbled words.

“I…You…Him…How…HUH?!”

Contrary to everyone else's reaction, Heller didn’t look even remotely shocked or embarrassed at Luna’s words; he held the expression of a man who had just heard a bad joke. ”Luna, I think that’s enough.” He warned.

“Don’t be so embarrassed James, what we shared last night was special. It was the first time for both of us after all.”

“Luna, I swear to God…”

“WHAT IN THE NAME OF EQUESTRIA IS GOING ON HERE?!?!” Twilight screamed hysterically, looking close to ripping her own hair out.

Apparently, Luna found the mental breakdown of the Element of Magic funny as hell, because one second later, she was rolling on the ground laughing her ass off. Shaking his head in honest to God embarrassment, Heller turned to face her still stunned subjects. “Since the ruler of your entire damn country is too busy acting like a drunk jackass…” He spoke that last part out loud for Luna to hear from her position on the ground, though the only affect it seemed to have was making her laugh harder. “…let me just clarify right now: We. Talked. That’s all. Nothing sexual happened. I may have done some questionable things in my life, but bestiality is a line I will never cross. Ever.”

He prayed they believed him. He prayed that the seriousness of his voice, as well as Luna’s reaction to the whole thing, was enough to convince them that he was telling the truth. Cause he seriously doubted that Celestia would react kindly to hearing that the poor, helpless, creature that she had so selflessly agreed to help get home, had banged her little sister.

God seemed to be in a good mood today though, because they all breathed a sigh of relief upon hearing his words, Shining Armor even muttering a prayer to Celestia.

Luna on the hand, seemed to have run out of laughs and was currently pulling herself off the ground to sit unsteadily in her chair, breathing heavily and holding her sore ribs as she did so. “Th-that was hilarious.” She gasped out, unleashing another set of giggles when Heller turned to glare at her. “My word, I haven’t I haven’t laughed that hard in ages.”

“You’re an idiot, you know that?”

“Sticks and stones, James, sticks and stones.”

“Hey wait a minute!” Twilight bellowed. “You talked with Princess Luna but not with me?! Even though I’ve known you longer than her?! How does that make sense?!”

“How does attacking me in a forest count as knowing me?” He questioned with a raised eyebrow. When Twilight was unable to respond, he continued, “Besides, when you were asking me questions, I wasn’t in the mood to talk. When Luna asked me questions, I was in the mood to talk. It’s as simple as that.”

“Well how about now? Are you in the mood to talk to me now?” She pouted.

Heller pinched the bridge of his nose. God, this girl was annoying. He looked her clear in the eyes and just as he opened his mouth to tell her to fuck off, Luna’s voice cut him off, “James, you should at least let her ask one question of you, don’t you think?” She asked, her tone serious for once. “I mean, you did say that she defended you when Shining Armor attempted to capture you did you not?” He mentally smacked himself for revealing that little tidbit of information last night. “And when you think about, doesn’t that make her the sole reason you were even able to meet Celestia in the first place?”

“Okay, now you’re exaggerating things…”

“Oh really? Then tell me, what exactly would have happened had Twilight not jumped in to defend you?”

He opened his mouth to offer some kind of rebuttal, but none could be found. He knew damn well what would have happened. He would have killed Shining Armor, his men too if they got in his way, and used their knowledge to break into the Celestia’s castle. From there, anything could have happened, but the most likely scenario was that Celestia refused to help him and he kiled her to gain her knowledge. The idea of killing such a  kindhearted ruler, the same kindhearted ruler who had so generously offered her help to him, was enough to make him feel physically ill, made even worse by the knowledge that he would have gladly done it. But another horrifying thought overtook even that: If he had run into Luna or if she had tried to stop him, he would have killed her without mercy or regret. If the thought of killing Celestia made him feel physically ill, then the thought of killing someone who was quite possibly his closest friend made him feel as if he had just been stabbed in the heart. As much as he hated to admit it, he knew he had to face the truth: If it weren’t for Twilight, he’d probably be standing here in the smoldering remains of Canterlot, the power of two gods at his fingertips, but with no way to get home.

He owed everything to Twilight.

Goddamnit.

“I fucking hate it when you do that Luna.” He sighed.

“What, always being right? In that case, you’re going to learn to hate me a lot.” She said, flashing him a cocky grin.

Flipping her off (and smirking at her puzzled look at the action) he turned towards Twilight, who was shifting restlessly in her seat waiting for his answer. ‘This is supposed to be the Element of Magic?' He found himself thinking as he watched her act more like an impatient child than the extraordinarily talented unicorn Luna had described her as. She was probably trying to decide which question (out of millions no doubt) she should ask first. 

“One.”

Twilight stopped shifting long enough to look at him puzzled. "Huh?"

“You get one question. You can ask me anything that comes to mind, but I get to decide if I want to answer it, understand?”

Twilight’s face fell. “One question? But I have so many!” She argued.

“Too bad. You get one and one only, take it or leave it.” He said with finality.

“But James…”

“Take it or leave it.” He repeated, his tone indicating that this was her last chance.

“…Fine.” She sighed after a few moments had passed. She wasn’t happy with the arrangement, but what choice did she have?

“Good.” He leaned back in his chair. “Now what’s your question?”

Twilight took a deep breath. This was it. Her only chance to get any kind of answers out of him, and she had to choose carefully. He’s already talked with both Princess Luna and Princess Celestia, and chances are he wasn’t going to answer any questions that they’d already asked him. That likely meant he wasn’t going to answer any questions about his abilities, his species, or where he was from, since those were questions that the Princesses probably asked him already. But what else was there to ask him then? 

All night long she had been kept wake due to the never-ending questions running through her mind. She wanted to know everything about this new, never-before-seen creature. Who was James Heller? Where was he from? What were his people like? Did they have a society similar to theirs? How is it that they’ve never been seen before now? The scholarly part of her wanted to know so much, yet he was only allowing her to ask so little.

She cursed his stubbornness. How was she supposed to get close to him if he kept pushing her away?

‘Maybe because you haven’t given him a reason to let you get close to him.’ Her conscience scolded.

‘That’s not true! I’ve…I’ve…' She trailed off, unable to come up with an example. True, she had defended him once or twice, but had she actually tried to get to know him? When they were in the carriage, all her questions to him revolved around his abilities and his culture. She had not attempted even once to ask about him as a person. Even now all she cared about was where he was from and how his abilities worked.

‘No wonder he doesn’t want to talk to me. I’ve been treating him more like a science experiment than an actual living being.’ She thought regrettably. ‘He was right. I don’t know him, not at all.’

She felt resolve rise inside her.

‘But I can start.’

“I know what question I want to ask.” She told him, her voice firm.

He raised an eyebrow. There was something about her tone that he just couldn’t put his finger on...

“Go on.” He said cautiously, not sure what she was up to.

Twilight didn’t lose the confident look in her eyes. Swallowing her nervousness, she spoke loud for all to hear...

“What kind of books do you like to read?”

He blinked.

“Say what?”

“What kind of books do you like to read?” She repeated, her tone devoid of humor.

“Books.” He said, looking at her in disbelief. “That’s your question? No ‘how do my abilities work’, no ‘where am I from’, no ‘what is my culture like’? You’re seriously asking me about books?”

“That’s right.” She said calmly.

“I…“ He began but then stopped, still unable to wrap his mind around this. This really wasn’t her question was it? She was just fucking around with him right? There is no way Twilight Sparkle, the same Twilight Sparkle who before had nearly made his head explode with her endless barrage of questions, was actually asking him what he liked to read. Somebody pinch him, cause he must be dreaming.

“To tell you the truth, I’m not much of a reader,” He began, but upon seeing the disappointment in her eyes, he felt compelled to add, “but I’ll read science fiction every once in a while. Nonfiction too if I find it interesting.”

Twilight’s eyes lit up. “Really?! I run a library back in Ponyville, and I have a lot of science fiction books that you can borrow if you want.”

“Um…thank you?”

“Don’t mention James, anything for a friend.” She said, giving him a smile.

Friend? Him and Twilight? Did she really think-

“Ooh, ooh! I wanna play, I wanna play!” Pinkie Pie yelled excitedly, wildly waving a hoof in the air. “I wanna ask him a question too!”

“What the- it wasn’t a game! That opportunity was for Twilight and Twilight only!"

“Hold up now, how is that fair?” Applejack spoke up. “Shouldn’t we all be allowed ta ask yah a question?”

“Did you help me out when the Royal Guards were trying to kick my head in?” He asked the farmpony, his dark eyes glaring into her green ones. “No, you didn’t. You sat there on your ass and did jack shit, therefore, you get to ask me jack shit.”

“Hey! You can’t talk to Applejack like that!” Rainbow Dash shot up in her seat, ignoring the pain that shot through her wings at such an action.

Heller turned his glare towards her. “You did less than her, so you definitely don’t get to ask me shit!”

“Honestly, must you use such foul language in the presence of ladies? You wouldn’t talk to your mother that way would you?” Rarity’s refined voice chastised.

“No, but my mom was an actual woman, unlike Rainbow Dyke over here.”

‘Rainbow Dyke’ must have been the secret word of the day, because everybody all at once preceded to flip their shit: Rainbow Dash attempted to leap across the table at him, only to be caught mid-jump by Applejack who was visibly struggling to hold back the enraged pegasus. Twilight and Rarity began shouting at something at him that he could barely hear, mostly because it was drowned out by whatever random shit Pinkie Pie was yelling at him!

The only ones at the table who weren’t going ape-shit were Luna (who apparently found this shit funny cause she was laughing her ass off again), Cadance (who was too busy trying to hide her blush from the ‘Rainbow Dyke’ comment), Shining Armor (who was watching the whole thing with a shit-eating grin on his face) and Fluttershy (who was doing her best to look invisible)

Oh, how he wished he had that power.

“Now sugarcube, calm down!”

“Let me at’em! I’m gonna shove my hoof up his-“

“James that joke went too far!”

“The nerve!”

“Random yelling!”

“EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP, JESUS CHRIST!” He roared, his sanity reaching its breaking point. Everyone paused in what they were doing; even Rainbow Dash stopped struggling in Applejacks’ hooves. 

“If I answer your goddamn questions, will you please leave me the shit alone?!” He begged (yes, begged) them.

Silence, glorious silence,, permeated the room for exactly one second, before Pinkie Pie replied in the most nonchalant voice he had ever heard, “Okey-dokey.”

Then they sat in their seats, acting as if nothing had even happened.

He put his face in his hands and gave a tired, drawn-out sigh.

It was still morning.

It was still fucking morning and already they had driven him to this point.

God help him.

Staying in that position for a few more moments and then taking a deep breath to recompose himself, he decided to follow their example and act like whatever the fuck that was never happened.

“So,” He began. “Who wants to go first?”

Applejack timidly raised her hoof. 

“Go then.”

“So, uh,” She started somewhat nervously. “Back in the forest, ah uh… bucked yah an’ yah didn’t even move a lick. Now ah don’t mean ta brag, but ah got the meanest buck this side of Equestria and ah gotta know: How’d yah do it?”

He gave what sounded like the mix between a laugh and a scoff. “Kid, I’ve been hit by objects moving so fast they can punch through steel. I’ve been hit by explosions that pack such a punch they can level buildings. I’ve been bitten and clawed at by creatures as big and as fierce as manticores and they hardly leave a scratch on my body. Compared to all that, your little buck felt like a good back massage.”

Normally, Applejack would have been furious at hearing her bucking skills dismissed in such a way, but she, as well as everyone else, were too busy reeling in horror as he casually described the type of punishment he had endured in his life.  Even Luna looked disturbed, silently wondering what kind of hell on earth his world must have been that he would have to go through all that. He noticed the stunned looks they were giving him, but he brushed them aside and asked, “Anybody else got something they wanna ask me?”

Rarity hesitantly raised her hoof next. Signaling for her to go, he found himself gritting his teeth in irritation when she instead cleared her throat for several seconds before finally deciding to speak. “Forgive me if this question comes off as a bit crude, but it simply must be asked. It’s been on my mind for a while now, but I could never figure out how to properly-“

“You got a point to all this?” He interjected, impatience clear in his voice.

Rarity gave an offended ‘hmph’ at the interruption but continued regardless. “Fine then, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Her eyes suddenly narrowed in disgust, though not at him. “I must know: Just where did you get those absolutely dreadful 'clothes?'" She made air-quotes with her hooves at the word clothes.

“My clothes?” He looked down at his outfit, the memories of forming them out his own biomass coming back to him. “I bought them.” He simply responded.

“You bought them? Are you blind?!” She blabbed without thinking, instantly shrinking back at the heated glare he began to send her. “I-I mean, why would you ever buy such mangled looking things? You look like you’ve been living on the streets.”

‘That was kind of the point.’ He thought. After Mercer had dumped him off in that alleyway, he had attempted to stay as incognito as possible as he made his way to Father Guerra’s church. The outfit he was wearing is what he’d seen homeless folk around the neighborhood wearing and he’d hoped that any Blackwatch soldier that spotted him would just pass him off as another homeless bum.

Of course he couldn’t tell her that so instead he just shrugged apathetically.

“Well, I can’t in good faith allow you to walk around wearing such rags. If you ever find yourself in Ponyville, be sure to stop by my boutique and I’ll be sure to make you more proper dress wear.”

“Uh, yeah I’ll be sure to do that.” ‘No the fuck I ain’t.’

“Ok, who wants to go-“

“I’ve got a question!” Pinkie Pie yelled… directly in front of him.

“Jesus Christ!” He shot back in the chair with such force that he nearly knocked it over, which would have happened had he and the chair not been enveloped in a cobalt blue glow and sat upright again. Sending an appreciative glance towards Luna and an irritated one towards the insane pink nightmare that was currently sitting on the table, his voice was a mixture of anger and curiosity as he asked, “How the fuck did you just do that?! You were just three chairs away from me!”

“Cheater! I’m supposed to be the one asking questions not you!” She pouted angrily at him.

“Fuck your question, how the hell did you-“

“James.” He looked at Twilight, who was giving him a tired look. “Don’t question it. Just… don’t. I learned the hard way that trying to make sense of anything Pinkie Pie does can be bad for your health. I know it’s going to be hard, but let it go. Just… let it go.”

Normally, he wouldn’t have just let it go, but something in his gut was telling him to listen to Twilight. That even if he did get her to explain how the hell she managed to teleport right in front him… the explanation would only raise more questions than it would answers.

“Fine.” He grumbled, making a silent promise to himself to get to the bottom of this later. Turning to an innocently smiling Pinkie Pie, he couldn’t help but cringe as he asked, “What’s your question?”

Her eyes, which before were abuzz with energy, suddenly turned sympathetic. “How do you feel that they're not making a third one?"

He blinked.

Then blinked again.

Then blinked a third time.

"A third what?"

"I know, I know, it's terrible," Pinkie continued, apparently ignoring his question. "I mean the first one wasn't perfect, but it was still pretty good, you know. And the second one was a huge improvement over the first one, but I guess it just wasn't good enough." While Pinkie Pie sadly shook her head, Heller shook his out of sheer confusion.

"The fuck is this crazy bit-"

She placed a comforting hoof on his shoulder, cutting him off midsentence. "Don't blame yourself Jamesy," She patted his shoulder comfortingly. "These things happen."

Heller didn't respond, too busy looking between the hoof on his shoulder and the crazy-ass pink bitch who it belonged to with murder in his eyes.

"Do you need a hug?"

“...Get this bitch away from me. Now.”

"It's okay Jamesy," She whispered solemnly. "It's okay." 

Patting his shoulder once more, she skipped on the table back to her seat.

Heller put his face back in his hands and gave yet another drawn-out sigh.

It was still fucking morning.

“Sorry you had to sit through that James. Pinkie Pie is… special.” Twilight explained to the marine, who took another deep breath to re-recompose himself after dealing with maelstrom of insanity known as Pinkie Pie.

“Understatement of the goddamn century. Next thing you know she’s gonna be screaming at me about chimichangas and yellow boxes.” He said offhandedly. 

“Yellow what?”

“Nothin.” He waved his hand dismissively. Twilight gave him a strange look, but didn’t dig in any further.

‘Okay, the crazy one makes four, so that leaves only two left.’ He concluded, eyeing the remaining Elements. His eyes fell on a certain cyan pegasus … and then immediately shifted over to the terrified yellow one next to her.

“You,” He pointed at her.” You’re next.” The yellow pegasus gave a frightened ‘eep’ before burying herself in her mane.

“Come on, I don’t have all day.” He said in a more forceful tone, which only succeeded in making her sink even further into mane.

‘Come on, ask me something!’  He silently begged. ‘It’s either you or the rainbow bitch and I ain’t talking to her!’

“James, that’s not going to work.” Twilight warned in a hushed tone.

“What do you mean?” He whispered back.

“I mean, you’re never going to get Fluttershy to open up to you if you keep speaking to her like that. Fluttershy is really sensitive, and the way you talk makes it sound like you plan on eating her.”

“Talking this way always worked for me before.” He muttered.

“Well it’s not going to work here! If you ever want to get Fluttershy to talk to you, you’re going to have to change your tone and be nice.” She said with emphasis on the last two words.

"Be nice? In case you haven't noticed, I'm a six foot tall monster who is literally five seconds away from having a goddamn mental breakdown! How the fuck am I supposed to be nice?"

"I don't know... talk to her like you would a child, I guess. You've been around children before haven't you?"

It happened so fast that she almost didn't notice it, but for the briefest fraction of a second his eyes held an almost... pained look to them, as if her question had hurt him somehow.

"Yeah," He whispered, his voice distant. "I guess I have."

Twilight's eyes softened, but before she could say or do anything, he turned his attention back to the now trembling Fluttershy.

Why did he even care? This was the same girl who had tried to mind rape him with her eyes yesterday, so why the hell did he even give a fuck whether or not she 'opened up to him'? It didn't make any sense.

'Cause you either talk to her or you talk to the rainbow bitch, your choice.'  Is what he tried to tell himself.

But he knew the truth.

Out of all of them - the crazy one, the cowgirl, the fashionista, the rainbow bitch, and Twilight - she was the one who pissed him off the least. She may have tried to mind rape him, but at least she knew when to shut the fuck up. In his book, that made her the best pony out of all of them.

Not only that but...

A small whimper escaped Fluttershy's trembling form.

...this shit was fucking sad, man. 

Swallowing his pride (and his masculinity), he began to repeat Twilight's advice in his head.

Change your tone
  
He took a deep, calming breath.

Be nice

He swallowed the lump growing in his throat.

Talk to her like you would a child

'What are these ponies doing to me?'

Talk to her like you would your child

“Fluttershy.” The word came out soft, almost like a whisper, and held a paternal edge to it that stunned everyone who heard it.

But it had worked. Fluttershy's trembling had stopped and she was now looking at him with one eye visible through her bangs.

“I know you’re scared, hell I’m a scary guy, but I just want you to know that I’m not going to hurt you.” He resisted the urge to add, ‘unless you piss me off.’ “I know that’s hard to believe considering I hurt you once before and if you still don’t trust me afterwards I swear to never bother you again, but can you just give me the chance to show you that I’m not such a bad guy?”

Everyone was paying attention now, still unable to believe this was the same James Heller who not five minutes ago, was threatening Pinkie Pie with murder. But neither he or Fluttershy were paying much attention to them. Their eyes were only on each other, Heller doing his best to look sincere, while Fluttershy searched hard for any sign of deceit.

She could find none.

After a long, tense moment of silence, Fluttershy slowly nodded her head, though her eyes still held a hint of apprehension in them.

Heller let loose the biggest breath he had ever held in his life. “Thank you Fluttershy. You have a question you wanted to ask me?”

She nodded her head.

“Mind telling me what it is?”

She looked away, and mumbled something that he couldn’t quite hear.

“Didn’t catch that, what was it?”

She mumbled again, and again he couldn’t hear her.

“One more time.”

“Hold on James, maybe I can be of help.” Cadance offered. Leaning down so that she was at Fluttershy’s level, she began to whisper something to the timid pegasus. Fluttershy in turn whispered something back, Cadance nodding her head in understanding  as she rose back to her full height. “She wants to know if you’re a carnivore or a herbivore.”

“Omnivore. But don’t worry, I don’t plan on eating anybody while I’m here. Hell, if breakfast is anything to go by I’m not gonna be eating anything for a while.” He explained, frowning in disgust as he recalled the daisy pancakes. Fluttershy frowned as well, though not for the same reasons as him. “Something else bothering you?”

Fluttershy motioned for Cadance to bend down again, whispering something in her ear once she did so.  Nodding once again, Cadance rose to face him. “What about animals? Do you plan on eating them?”

‘That’s right, she’s an animal love.’ He recalled the countless birdhouses and animal pens he had passed by as he trekked towards her cottage.

“You can relax Fluttershy, your animals are safe around me.” He smiled reassuringly at her. “I prefer my food cooked.”

That seemed to do the trick – her frowning stopped and she sighed in relief, muttering something that sounded like ‘thank goodness.’

“Happy now?” He asked, allowing himself a small chuckle when she nodded her head enthusiastically.

Setting himself into a comfortable position in his chair, he allowed himself a small pat on the back. He did pretty well he had to admit. He got through all their questions, even got a few of them to trust him, and he did it all while making only one death threat. Yep, things were looking up. Only thing left to do now was wait for Celestia and considering the good mood he was in, even that didn’t seem so bad. 

Closing his eyes in content, he relished in this rare moment of peace and quiet...

“Ahem!”

…which lasted approximately three seconds.

Cracking open one eye, he glared dangerously at whoever dared to ruin his good mood…

…which was instantly vaporized when he saw who it was.

‘Fuck. Me.’

Putting a hand on his forehead in a futile attempt to stem the oncoming headache, he reluctantly got into a proper sitting position. “Let’s not drag this bullshit on any longer than it has to be. What the fuck do you want to know?”

Magenta eyes glared into him for the dismissive way in which he referred to her, though she refrained herself from yelling. Instead, Rainbow Dash stood in the chair on her rear hooves in an attempt to tower over and intimidate him, an attempt that fell flat when he gave her an apathetic once over and proceeded to trace circles on the table with his finger.

“I just have one question for you, jerk.”  She snarled.

He rolled his eyes and continued tracing circles, barely paying attention to what she was saying, though what came out of her mouth next made her the focus of all his attention.

“When are you going to apologize?”

He froze.

"What." 

The word was spoken in such a low whisper that not everyone heard it, but what they did hear was the absolutely enraged undertone it held.

“You heard me, when are you going to apologize?!” She repeated, not even noticing that Applejack and Fluttershy were scooting far away from her, both of them sensing the storm that was about to take place.

“Apologize for what?” He knew full well what. He just wanted her to say it out loud before he ripped her a new asshole.

“You know darn well what!” She slammed her hooves on the table. “For scaring everypony back in Ponyville, for almost strangling me to death, for almost killing my friends back in the Everfree Forest. If you think you saving us erases the fact that you nearly killed us in the first place, then you've got another thing coming pal!"

‘Oh this stupid bitch!’

“I nearly killed you!" He roared, leaping out of his seat so that he towered over her. “In case you’re too fucking stupid to remember, you attacked me! I was leaving when you found me. I didn’t want to fight any of you, but she,” He pointed at Applejack. “fucking tied me up, then she,” He pointed at Twilight. “tried to knock me out, and when all that failed, she,” He pointed at Fluttershy, who squeaked. “tried to mind rape me! And after all that, you’re surprised that I fought back? You’re  surprised  that I didn’t just sit there and take it up the ass? If you expect me to apologize for defending myself then there’s really only two things I can say to sum up my feelings on that subject:

“Fuck. You.  From the bottom of my heart.”

“I…you…” She attempted to respond, though no words came out. Mostly it was because of fear; she knew he’d be angry, but even she wasn’t prepared to face the full brunt of his fury like that and she silently prayed that Princess Luna would stop (or at least attempt to stop) him if he tried to attack. But there was another reason she couldn’t come up with a rebuttal.

Deep, deep down, in the darkest recesses of her mind, she knew he was right.

Unfortunately, Rainbow Dash was not known for admitting when she was wrong, except in the most extreme of cases, so it was of no surprise to anyone what came out of her mouth next.

“Yeah, well… if you hadn’t nearly killed me back in Ponyville maybe we wouldn’t have attacked you like that! We thought you were dangerous!” She attempted to justify.

“The reason I nearly ‘killed you’ was because you attacked me, threatened me, and wouldn’t get out of my way when I was trying to leave that crazy-ass town!” He countered, truly getting sick and tired of her attempts to make him look like the bad guy.

“I attacked you because you were scaring everypony back in Ponyville!”

“I wasn’t doing anything!”

“THAT IS ENOUGH!!” A third voice boomed throughout the room with such volume that everyone was forced to cover their ears in pain. 

Luna was glaring at the both of them, waiting a few moments for the ringing in their ears to cease before ordering sternly, “Sit.”

Rainbow instantly obeyed without question, while Heller patted his ear a few more times, his ears still ringing due to his closer proximity to Luna when she used the Royal Canterlot Voice. 

“Damn Luna.” He muttered, both out of irritation and shock.

Ignoring him, she turned towards the cyan pegasus to her left. “Rainbow Dash!” 

“Uh, yes.” She shifted uncomfortably under Luna’s stern glare, which reminded her so very much of Celestia’s.

“What exactly was James doing when you attacked him?” 

The question brought a cocky smile to Dash’s face. “I’ll tell you what he was doing, he was scaring everypony!” She pointed an accusing hoof at him.

“And how exactly was he scaring everypony?” 

“He was-“ She stopped, eyes daring back and forth as she tried to recall what exactly he was doing. “He was…uh…” Once again coming up with nothing, she looked towards Twilight. “Twilight, what was he doing?”

Before the purple unicorn could even get a word out, Luna cut her off. “Let me get this straight: You attacked James for ‘scaring everypony’, yet you don’t even know what he was doing to scare them?”  Luna’s eyes bored deeper and deeper into the rainbow-maned pegasus with each word that was spoken. 

“W-well he must have been doing something or why else would everypony be freaking out.” A bead of sweat rolled down Dash's face as she attempted to defend her actions.

“A-actually Rainbow Dash, he wasn’t.” Twilight finally spoke up, an embarrassed blush marking her face.

Dash’s face fell. “W-what?”

“He wasn’t doing anything.” She clarified. “He was just standing there and everypony just kind of freaked out when they saw him. He was actually leaving when you…attacked him.”

‘Oh this is just too much fun.’ Heller was grinning ear to ear as he watched everything unfold before him, especially when Luna closed her eyes and took a deep breath to calm her rising anger.

“So you attacked him without provocation, threatened him, and when he attempted to leave, you blocked his path? Stop me if I’m going too fast.” Rainbow Dash was unable to respond under Luna’s accusing glare and tone.

She continued “And when you encountered him again in the Everfree forest, your first course of action was to tie him up?” She directed that last sentence at Applejack.

The orange farmpony gulped nervously and pointed at Twilight. “Well, ah was jus’ followin’ Twilight’s orders. She said if we saw'em, to hold’em down so she could put’em to sleep.”

‘Thanks Applejack, you’re a real friend.’ Twilight thought sarcastically, balking in fear when Luna turned her stern glare towards her. 

“Well, I-I saw what he did to Rainbow Dash and just assumed that-“

“That because he defended himself from somepony who he thought was a threat, that he was just a wild animal that none of you even attempted to reason with.” She reprimanded harshly, giving of each them a disapproving glare.

None of them were able to look at her, eyes downcast in shame as memories of their actions that day came back to haunt them.

Heller, meanwhile, was watching all of this with mixed feelings. On one hand, Rainbow Dash was getting her ass chewed out again and that was always fun to watch. On the other hand… so were the others. He might not have been too happy with how they had reacted to him, but he could somewhat understand their reasons for doing so. Like he said to Fluttershy, he was a scary guy and he supposed anyone would have reacted violently if they found themselves alone with him.

“Come on Luna, give’em a break. When they found me I had just killed about twenty timber wolves. Anybody would have freaked out in that situation.” He spoke up, causing six pairs of eyes to look at him in astonishment.

Luna was just as surprised that he would try to defend them, though it didn’t change her thoughts on the subject in the slightest. “Nevertheless, they should have realized that you weren’t hostile the moment they saw you attempt to retreat. Even if the timber wolves were proof enough for them to see you as a threat, they should have retreated instead of trying to engage you. If a pack of timber wolves couldn’t bring you down, what them think they could? No matter how you put it, what they did was foolish, dangerous, and could have easily gotten them all killed.”

Luna’s words once again made them lower their heads in shame, each of them feeling their own bit of guilt for the part they played. Twilight lifted her head to say something, but Luna, already predicting what she was going to say, immediately cut her off. “Do not apologize to me, Twilight Sparkle. Your actions hurt one person in this room and he is the one you should be apologizing to.”

All six of them turned to look at him guilt-ridden eyes, an action that made him feel more uncomfortable than anything else. “Look, you don’t have to-“

“I’m sorry.”

He turned his head in the direction of the soft voice, more than a little surprised to see it was Fluttershy of all ponies who had spoken first.

“Seriously, you guys don’t need to-“

“Yes we do James.”  Said Twilight, her voice firm. “The way we treated you was disgraceful and the fact that we waited until now to apologize is even more disgraceful. I think I speak for all of us when I say, I’m sorry too.”

“As am I.” Rarity bowed apologetically at him.

“Me too.” Pinkie said somberly.

Applejack took her hat off before speaking. “James, I jus wanna extend mah sincerest apologies to yah, not only for attackin’ yah, but for how I acted afta yah saved us from that dragon.” Her eyes filled with guilt at the memories of her threatening him.”That was no way ta treat yah, ‘specially since yah almost died savin’ us. I jus hope yah can find it in yer heart ta forgive me.”

He nodded dumbly, still unable to believe this was all really happening. Only one pony hadn’t apologized yet, and as he slowly turned his head in her direction, his stomach doing backflips as his mind tried to anticipate what her reaction would be.

Nothing.

Rainbow Dash was just staring at him blankly. Not frowning, not glaring, just staring, no change in her facial expressions at all. He stared back as well, completely ignorant to everything around him. The only thing he briefly took note of was the nervous energy rolling off of everyone’s bodies as they watched the two of them have their staring contest. They were probably praying that Dash be the bigger mare and just apologize so as not to anger him further. 

Though honestly, he doubted he’d be all that angry if she chose not to apologize. He’d probably congratulate her for showing some balls for once.

They continued to stare at each other for what felt like ages and just when it seemed like it would never end, Rainbow Dash finally made a move:

She huffed, folded her arms, turned her head away from him, and mumbled something under her breath that he couldn’t quite hear, but he definitely caught the ‘-ry’ at the end.

It was possibly the most half-assed apology he’d ever heard.

But it was still an apology nonetheless.

“You girls,” He began. “Are the most hostile, unappreciative, irrational, moronic, annoying, batshit crazy group of bitches that I have ever had the misfortune of knowing in my entire goddamn life…” Their faces fell and some of them, like Fluttershy, were visibly struggling to hold back tears. Even Rainbow Dash looked disheartened.

He let them wallow in misery for just a few more moments, only allowing himself a small grin when he could no longer hold it back. “…But apology accepted.”

In three seconds flat, their expressions changed from sad, to shocked, to ecstatic once they realized that he was serious.

“Whoo-hoo!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, bouncing around the room while simultaneously throwing confettit into the air.

He caught one of the stray pieces of colorful paper, rubbing it carefully in-between his fingers to make sure it was real and wearing a look of pure bewilderment as he did so. 

“Where the hell did she get-“

“James.” Twilight was giving him a look.

“…Don’t question it?”

“Exactly.” Then she smiled. “And thank you James. You don’t know how happy you’ve made me- made us.”

“Don’t ment- the hell are you doing?” He blurted out when Twilight suddenly held out her arms and made a move for him.

She blinked in confusion. “Giving you a hug?”

“…No. No, we ain’t there yet.”

“Oh.” 

"..........."

“…You do realize you just made this incredibly awkward?”

“…Sorry.”

Thankfully, this incredibly awkward moment was cut short by the familiar sound of the dining hall doors opening for a third time. Considering the disappointment that same sound had brought the last two times he heard it, he understandably did not get his hopes up. But he looked anyway, wanting nothing more than to get away from this awkward situation that he and Twilight had inadvertently found themselves in.

‘Maybe I’ll get lucky this time. Third times a charm they always say.’

Truer words had never been spoken. 

“Good morning everypony.” The smiling face of Princess Celestia greeted from the doorway.

“Good morning Princess.” Twilight responded with her own happy smile as she bowed her head. Everyone else followed suit, giving their own form of greeting to the Princess as she trotted in.

Unsurprisingly, Heller was the only one who neither bowed nor greeted her as she made her way in. What was surprising (especially considering how pissed off he was) was that he had not immediately leapt out his seat and hurled every expletive in the english language at her for making him wait so long, which is what he had planned on doing. But the moment she walked in, he immediately realized that would not be a good idea.

At first glance she looked the same as always: Same white coat, same wavy hair, and the same radiating power that seemed to make her literally shine. He doubted it'd be wrong to assume she used magic the same way women back in his world used makeup. But just like makeup, anyone with an observant eye like his could see through all that bullshit and gaze at what truly lied within. And he did not like what he saw. Judging from the worried glances Shining Armor was sending her, he saw it too.

Celestia looked like shit.

She wasn't walking with her usual elegant grace- she was slow, sloppy, almost tired in how she walked. It looked like it was taking all her energy just to lift one hoof off the ground. That wasn't the only change. Her coat, while still white, lacked the brilliant sheen that it had yesterday and while her hair still waved, it wasn't continuous. At times it laid flat against the side of her neck for just a few seconds, only to float back up again. Just under her eyes were barely visible dark spots that she did a decent job at concealing, though even she couldn't hide the exhausted look in her eyes. But the most noticeable difference was the change in her power. Sure, it was still more powerful than what anyone else in the room was able to generate, but it was a mere shadow of what he saw yesterday, a dim bulb compared to the blazing sun from before.

Shining Armor passed it off as the result of a bad night's sleep, and he was half right. But Heller knew the whole truth. He knew that she hadn't gotten any sleep at all, that she had been up all night working tirelessly for his sake. 

She had pushed herself to the limit for him and the last thing she needed was his bullshit. He could wait.

“Good morning, sister.” Luna greeted as Celestia took a seat opposite her.

“Good morning Luna, how are you feeling this fine morning?” She asked, forcing a smile despite her fatigue.

“Oh, I’m fine thank you. A bit tired however; I had so many meetings to attend and so many documents to sign that I barely got a wink of sleep last night.” She put on a tired look, forcing a yawn to make it look more convincing.

“Oh really?” She wondered out loud, an edge of suspicion in her voice.

A bead of sweat rolled down Luna's face at the look of scrutiny her sister was giving her, but she smiled innocently. “Yes, really.”

“That’s interesting, because from I’ve heard, you only attended two of your meetings last night, when in fact, you had five scheduled for you. Would you mind explaining why that is?” She asked, her expression firm as the smile quickly vanished from Luna’s face.

“Uh, well, th-that’s quite simple actually. You see I was… um… I-I was-”

“Luna,” The seriousness of her sister's voice immediately paused her rambling. “I know you were with James last night. One of the night guards informed me that he saw you sneaking into his room."

Luna cursed under her breath, making a silent vow to hunt down and punish the guard who ratted her out. "Sister, it wasn't James fault. I was the one who-"

"I know." Celestia cut her off again. "James would never have permitted you to stay in his room if he could help it, which must mean you pestered him repeatedly until he relented, am I right?"

"I didn't pester him." She pouted.

"Luna," Celestia was giving her a look, a look that made Luna groan in dismay. She knew that look. She feared that look. It was a look that she had dubbed 'The Lecture Look.'

"I'm not upset because you visited James. It's the fact that you shirked your responsiblities again that has me so frustrated. I know you’ve been gone for a long time and I know it hasn’t been easy for you to fully integrate into this new society, but you can’t just go around skipping your meetings.”

“But Tiaaaaaa….” She whined. “Those meetings are so boring and it’s not like I’m missing much. We go through the exact same things in every single meeting.  Can you really blame me for wanting to skip one every once in a while?”

“That’s not the point and you know it.” She scolded. “Honestly Luna, how do you expect everypony to trust you as their ruler if you keep acting so childish?”

“They don't trust me anyway, so what does it matter?” She muttered bitterly.

Celestia’s eyes softened. “Luna…”

“Celestia.” A third voice entered their conversation, a voice that forced a sigh from Celestia’s lips.

Without uttering a word, she turned her head to stare into Heller’s waiting eyes.

He had tried to be patient, he really had. He had wanted to let her rest a few minutes before badgering her with questions, but in the end his impatience had won out. He needed an answer now.

“Did you find anything?” Was all he said.

She turned away from him, an act that did little to bolster his confidence. “James,” She began, her voice somber. “I searched all night. I triple-checked every single catalogued spell we had on record in the archives. I searched through every time period, from the most recent, to ones that dated back to the days of Star Swirl the Bearded and…”

“And what?” He asked, his heart pounding.

“I… I think I may have found something.”

“W-what?” He gasped, praying that this wasn’t her idea of a cruel joke. “You’re serious. Please tell me you’re serious.”

At the slow nod of her head, he nearly collapsed to the floor in shock. It was over. It was finally over. He could go home. He could see Maya again. If it weren’t for the threat to his masculinity it would bring, he would have cried tears of joy right then and there, surrounded by bright and colorful ponies.

Thoughts of the ponies brought forth a depressing sensation that he was surprised to even be feeling. He wasn’t… sad about leaving was he? That couldn’t be it. Sure, he’d miss Luna and maybe Shining Armor but he’d forget about them eventually and so would they.

Right?

Burying those disturbing thoughts, he focused his attention back on Celestia. “Celestia… thank you.” He said, rare gratitude showing on his face. “So when do we get started on this? How does this spell work?”

“James,” She bit her lip nervously. “It’s not quite as easy as that.” She said, the pain in her heart growing exponentially worse when she saw the panic rise in his eyes.

“What do you mean?” He kept the uneasy edge out his voice.

She sighed; he was not going to like this. “James, the spell I found… is very old. Before my time old. The days of the three tribes old. It’s written in an ancient language that even I’m having difficulty reading and although I’ve been able to decipher most of it, I’m afraid I’m nowhere near close enough to figuring out how to use the actual spell. It’s going to take me at least a couple of days to read through the whole thing as well as figure out how to perform the spell itself.”

“...How long?” He asked slowly.

“James, you must understand-“

“How long?”

She sighed nervously, already charging up her horn with magic in anticipation at the expected eruption. “Six days, a week at most.”

“A WEEK!”

Everyone bolted out of their seats in fear at the booming cry. They may have been completely lost on what the two of them were even talking about, but they recognized an enraged Heller when they saw one and none of them wanted to be in his way when he snapped.

“Now James, just relax.” Celestia put up her hooves defensively, hoping to reason with the infuriated marine.

Unfortunately for her, Heller was far past the reasoning stage. “I don’t have a week Celestia! I need to get home now! What the fucks the hold up?!”

“Well on top of deciphering the spell, I have my own responsibilities to attend to-“

“Fuck your responsibilities, you promised to get me home!" He slammed a fist on the table, the wood splintering where it had impacted. "There’s someone back in my world waiting for me Celestia and she doesn’t have a fucking week! She needs me now!”

“And there are ponies here who need me now!” Celestia cried back in a mixture of sadness and anger. “I feel for you James, I really do, and as much as I want to help you, I will not put your needs above the needs of my subjects. I swear to you, that I will do my best to decipher this spell, but they will always come first James, not you.They need me just as much as whoever is waiting back in your world needs you!"

Heller’s face was red as Celestia finished her tirade. Images of him leaping across the table and bashing her head against the ground until it was nothing but a bloody pulp ran through his mind, and how he resisted from doing such an act perplexed even him. Maybe it was because the rational side of his brain was sending him reminders that he still needed her alive. Or maybe it was because that same rational side, as much as he tried to deny it, knew that she was right. Either way, he was pissed and for the first time in his life, he couldn't kill the object of his rage.  

But he was gonna kill something.

A near animalistic roar echoed throughout the room as Heller grabbed hold of the massive table and without any effort whatsoever, threw it at the nearest wall, demolishing it on impact. As the now shattered table (as well as the food and drinks) fell to the ground, everyone watched the panting marine in a mixture of fear, confusion, and pity, all of them wanting to say something, but none of them hazarding even a guess on what say. Luna attempted to place a comforting hoof on his shoulder, an action that he angrily rejected by slapping the offending limb away, 

Not even acknowledging the hurt look on Luna’s face, he sourly asked “So I guess I’m stuck in this castle for the next week then, huh?”

Celestia averted her eyes.

“Right, Celestia?”

She coughed nervously into her hoof.

“Celestia!”

She cringed. There was something else she had to tell him and it was either going to annoy him… or enrage him past the point of no return. “Well James,” She said carefully. “I was thinking…”

“Which is warning enough that whatever you're about to say is a bad idea." He muttered cynically.

Ignoring him, she continued “…and I believe it would be best if you…" She paused to take a deep, calming breath, before dropping the mother of all bombs on them.

"I believe it would be best if you stayed in Ponyville during the duration of your wait here.”

For the briefest of moments there was silence, then...

“WHAT!!”  Yelled not one, but ten voices, all of them in equal disbelief.

“You want this mental-case to stay in Ponyville! Sorry for saying this Princess, but have you gone off your rocker?!” Rainbow Dash shrieked.

“Can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m with Rainbow Dyke over here, have you lost your goddamn mind?!” Heller screamed at an equal volume.

"Sister, are you feeling well? Should I get the palace doctor to come look at you?" Luna asked, truly worried for her sister's mental health.

“If you would just let me explain-“

“No, fuck that! I barely escaped from that crazy-ass town with my sanity intact the first time I was there and you expect me to go back?! Fuck that shit, I’m not going!” 

“That’s fine.” She said evenly.

“No that’s not fine, it’s- wait, what?”

“I said its fine.” She repeated, staring at him coolly.

“You…really?” 

“Of course. I said it would be best for you, not that you had to go. You can reside here in the castle for the remainder of your stay if you choose to.” She explained in a voice that was way too calm for his liking.

“But…” He asked, already knowing there was some kind of catch.

“But I’m afraid you won’t be able to leave the castle grounds for the entire duration of your stay.” She finished.

He hated being right sometimes.

Fighting back the boiling anger that rose up inside him, he asked, in as composed a voice as he could muster, “And why is that?”

“Simple: Everypony would be afraid of you.” She told him, silently breathing a sigh of relief that he hadn’t snapped again.

His brow furrowed in confusion. “I thought everybody wanted to meet me.”

“They do. Well, the ones who work in the castle want to meet you is what I should say. Outside of the castle however, I’m afraid the reactions will not be quite as… welcoming. Canterlot is home to more of the ‘high-class’ members of Equestria and although some of them are pleasant enough ponies to be around, a majority of them are…” She struggled to come up with a word.

“Pompous?” Rarity threw out, having dealt with some of these ‘high-class’ ponies (and having temporarily become one herself).

“Arrogant?” Heller offered, already having a good idea of what kind of ponies Celestia was talking about.

“Stuck up, condescending, self-absorbed, 'I’m-so-high-and-mightier-than-you’, douchebags?” Luna chimed, which earned her quite a few odd looks. “What? James taught me the word.”

“…How about all of the above, though the word I was looking for was xenophobic.” She said, shaking her head in disappointment as she thought of the disgraceful behavior she had seen from far too many Canterlot citizens, behavior that was the complete opposite of what she encouraged in her subjects.

She and Luna had worked tirelessly to instill the ideas of harmony and equality in all of their subjects and they had been successful to a degree; racism and discrimination were but a foreign thought in the minds of many Equestrians and most would probably need to look the words up to know what they mean. Unfortunately, the ponies of Canterlot were seemingly bottle-fed those words at birth judging from how they acted around other species.

“I don’t know how they’d react to you James. It won’t matter to them that you saved the Elements, at the end of the day all they’ll see is a monster that has no place in their city. At best, they’d treat you like they treat every other species: Like a second class citizen that’s barely worth their notice.” She couldn’t hide the disgust in her voice as she said the words.” At worst… they could possibly be violent.”

“I can take care of myself.” He argued.

“It’s not you I’m worried about James. I know you can defend yourself, but that’s exactly the problem. I trust you James, I really do, but I can’t guarantee that you won’t kill somepony if they attempt to attack you. If that happens the backlash will be unlike anything you’ve ever witnessed, especially if it was somepony of influence. There would be lynch mobs rioting at the castle walls demanding your head within the hour, and as Princess I would be forced to take action, whether that means banishing you or imprisoning you in the dungeon until the spell has been deciphered.” She paused, not only to catch her breath but to also gauge his reaction so far. Surprisingly, he didn’t look angry or upset in the slightest, or at least as he should have been considering the choices she was giving him. He actually seemed to be contemplating her words, albeit with a small frown.

“James,” Her voice was pleading now. “Neither of us want that to happen. That’s why I’m giving you this chance. I know your past experience with Ponyville wasn’t the most pleasant and I understand your hesitation to return, but I promise you, if you just go back to them, talk to them, get to know them, and show them the real you, you’ll find that the citizens of Ponyville are the kindest, most generous souls you’ll ever have the pleasure of meeting, a far cry from those living in Canterlot.” When Twilight and the others nodded their head in reassurance, she had hoped that would be enough to convince him.

Said hope promptly withered when instead his frown grew more pronounced, as did the unsure look in his eyes.

Inside, she sighed regrettably. She didn’t want to have to do this, but he had left her no choice.

“But if you choose to stay here, that will be acceptable as well.” She said, before her eyes turned deathly serious. “But as I said before you will not be allowed to leave the castle walls during the duration of your stay here. During the day, you will be allowed only in areas of the castle that I approve of, and you will be accompanied by a squad of Royal Guards wherever you travel. Yes, that includes the bathroom. By night, you will be confined to your room, only to be let out first thing in the morning. I’m afraid you’ll have little in the way of accompaniment; the Elements have their own lives and jobs to get back to in Ponyville and will be leaving soon after breakfast. Luna and I have our own duties - duties that she will perform - as do Shining Armor and Cadance, so it looks like it will just be you for the whole week. If you attempt to leave the castle, abandon your guards, or wander into any of the areas I forbid you from entering, there will be severe consequences, the least of which being imprisonment in the castle dungeon. Those are my conditions James and they are non-negotiable.” She said in such a harsh voice that no one, not even Luna, had heard her use before. Even she was shocked (and slightly ashamed) at how uncharacteristically cold she sounded, but she buried her guilt, knowing it was for the greater good. She just prayed that he wasn't too livid by the conditions she had set.

Had she been able to read minds, she would have been more than a little surprised to find that he wasn't angry in the slightest. He wasn’t even angry at her accusation that he lacked the self-control to not kill anybody if they tried to attack him. Mostly because he knew she was right. 

If those six from Ponyville (the supposedly ‘nice’ place) were willing to attack him so violently, then he could only imagine how the assholes that resided in this place were going to react to him. If one of them did try to attack him he’d  try  to restrain himself, but if that bullshit kept happening every time he walked out the door, it’d only be a matter of time before somebody ending up getting killed, whether on purpose or on accident. And if that happened, all hell would break loose and Celestia would be forced to deal with him or risk losing the trust of her subjects. As much as he hated to admit it, she was doing this for both their sakes.

Which unfortunately, did nothing to make his choice any easier.

He could either go to Ponyville, a town of insanely violent, insanely hostile, insanely loud, and just all around batshit insane ponies.

Or he could stay here in Canterlot, confined to the castle with nothing to do, no one to talk to, and where he’d have eyes watching him every time he took a shit.

It was times like these where he seriously missed walking through the forest looking at trees.

Seriously.

“When do we leave?” He groaned unhappily.

Celestia kept her face even, despite how much she was cheering on the inside.” It shouldn’t take too long to get the carriage prepped for transport so about a half an hour at least." He nodded, looking none too happy with the arrangements.

"But until then, you’re free to do whatever you please." She quickly added, hoping a half an hour of freedom would be enough time for him to cool down.

Without saying a word he made his way towards the exit, not making eye contact with anyone. Just as he placed both hands on the door handles, a single voice called out to him. “James?”

His hands still placed firmly on the door handles, his voice held the tiniest bit of irritation as he asked, “What do you want, Twilight?” 

“James, I know what you’re going through." He could practically feel Twilight's eyes boring into him with sympathy. "When I first moved to Ponyville I was upset too, though for completely different reasons. They didn’t make the best first impression on me either, and even though I thought I’d regret it, I gave them a chance.” A wistful smile came to her face. “And look where it got me: Five of the greatest friends a pony like me could ever ask for and I never would have met them if I had given up. I guess what I’m trying to say is, just give it a chance - I promise you won’t regret it.”

He didn’t respond. He simply flung the doors open and stepped out, loudly slamming them shut as he did so.

Silence permeated the air. Everyone looked awkwardly between one another, none of them having the slightest idea of what to do or say. The only one who wasn't looking around was Luna, her eyes remaining glued to where Heller had loudly walked out.

"James." She murmured sadly.

“I’ll go talk to him.” It was Shining Armor's voice who broke the silence after a few moments had passed.

Cadance placed a hoof on his shoulder. “Shining…”

Staring into his wife’s worried eyes, he held her hoof in his own as he nuzzled her lovingly. “I’ll be fine Cadance.  Someponys got to calm that stubborn mule down, and it is might as well be me.” Despite the sad look in her eyes, Cadance nodded in agreement.

“I’ll be back.” He told her confidently, giving her a tender kiss on the forehead.

“Be careful Shining Armor and try not to enrage him too much.” Celestia cautioned.

Nodding his head in her direction, he flashed one last cocky grin at his wife before racing towards the doorway, telekinetically opening them and closing them behind him as he ran through.

Silence returned to the room once more.

“Maybe I should go with him.” This time it was Twilight who broke the silence, her expression matching Cadance’s as her eyes drifted towards the door.

“No Twilight, I think it would be best if we left this to Shining Armor. Right now, I think he’s the only one James is willing to listen to.” Celestia advised her.

Twilight reluctantly nodded her head, her eyes glancing worriedly at the door nonetheless.

“Besides… there’s something we need to discuss.”  Now all eyes were on her.

“What’s the matter, Princess?” Twilight asked, taking note of her mentor’s suddenly serious tone.

“Girls… there’s a reason I wanted James to go to Ponyville, and it’s not because I thought it would be safer for him.” She admitted, her eyes falling on each of them.

“There’s something I need you girls to do for me…”



A/N: Yes, I know. I’m doing the whole ‘the human/living virus goes to Ponyville and gets into all kinds of wacky adventures with the Main 6’ route that every other Human in Equestria fic does.  Trust me, if there was any other way to this I would, but Heller needs to be in Ponyville for the plot to move forward. Don’t worry, Heller will not become some flower smelling pansy that sings friendship songs with Pinkie by the end of the story. I’ll be sure to add in plenty of gore and violence in-between the wacky adventures. Until next time (which will hopefully be soon).