//------------------------------// // The Best Tapeworm Ever // Story: All Smoke, No Mirrors // by Jinzou //------------------------------// There was a gentle knocking on the front door. "Whuzzit… what?" I blinked awake, noticing I had my cheek squished up against the side of Script's ribs. I straightened up and shook my head, hoping my cheeks weren't as red as they felt. What was with this body, falling asleep everywhere? Man, I could have used that skill when I was in my human body. I moved away just in time as the door swung open, Cheerilee leading Golden in, both wearing saddlebags stuffed with books and loudly laughing. Golden looked over my way and covered her mouth with a hoof. "Aww dear, did we wake you? I'm sorry." "Nope. I'm… I was always awake." I responded sleepily. "I don't even sleep ever. And I'm not a dear." "Of course not, my little ray of sunshine." Golden cooed, walking over and smoothing down what must be horrible bedmane. I instantly pulled away and tried patting down my hair myself. "Dear, I don't think we need a fireplace anymore." Script joked. "Sunny here is almost as warm as actual fire. Heated up quite a lot as soon as her eyes closed. Give her a long night and I think we can heat the house." I snuck a look back at his side and saw his fur ruffled from where I had been pressed against him. The little bit of skin I could make out looked more red than the surrounding skin. I dropped my gaze to the cushion I was sitting on. God, I just wished I could disappear. I kept burning those I actually cared about. "Ooh, I think you loosened the bad muscle in my back." Script exclaimed, stretching out and swinging his forelegs side to side. I heard a loud crack. "That's much better. Thanks, Gem." I could feel my face burning hotter. "It's nice to see you already fitting in, Jenny." Cheerilee opened a book on the couch and turned to smile at me. "I know both of these ponies and I just think they'll make the best foster parents." "So!" I interrupted quickly. All the affection was making me feel really uncomfortable really quickly. "Uh, you have something you think will help?" "Of course." Cheerilee nodded, hiding her smile. I'm guessing she picked up on the vibes emitting from me and acted on it. She dropped a paper and pencil in front of me. "So what I'm picking up is that the system of numbers you use is what we call base twenty. Or decimal. Would I be correct in saying that Sunny uses the same system?" I shook my head. "She has one last number before ten in uh, in decimal." Cheerilee paused, chewing on her lip as she stared at the spot on the couch next to me. "That sounds like… quatrapental. I'm sure I can find the equations for that." There were a few moments of silence as Cheerilee riffled through her book, before Script piped up. "I don't think that will be necessary yet." He levitated a paper over to me that was full of rows of numbers. There were large gaps in between. It ended at what looked to be forty four. Well, forty four in base five. "Could you fill in your version of the numbers next to each of our versions of the numbers?" Script asked, his face expressionless. A minute later, I had one through twenty four written out on the sheet, and an intense distaste for mouth writing, no matter how genius flavoured erasers were. "Okay, so let's say this…" he pointed at a human number. "Fourteen." I clarified. "Plus this…" he continued. "Four." "Is what?" "Eighteen." I replied automatically, staring at Script. "Is eighteen written down on that?" Script smiled. I looked back down at the sheet, a realization dawning on me. Eighteen was there, next to two of the numbers that looked like a circle with a line through it. It only took a moment to translate. "Which for you would be thirty three…" I responded breathlessly. "So if we were to ask you what twenty four-" he drew his hoof across the number next to fourteen. "-plus four is, it would be what, for us?" "Thirty three." My voice was nearly a whisper. I stared up at Script, my eyes wide and mouth hanging open. He had made a… a conversion chart. If I could get a bigger version of this I would only need to convert bases with bigger numbers! And we could even make one for Sunny! This stallion was such a genius I could just kiss him! Of course, this begs the question of why didn’t I just think of that, but… eh. "Oh my god, you're a genius." I grinned manically at Script. He was instantly my new favorite person. Well, pony, but whatever. "Oh my what?" Noi asked from the other side of Script. I ignored her. "That's smart, Written Script." Cheerilee gave a little half smile. "But I would like you to still teach converting bases. It's a reliable equation for higher level mathematics." Script nodded and gave me a quick wink, and I was suddenly feeling a whole lot more confident in this whole homeschooling thing. "I also brought along a couple papers that young foreign exchange students can use for the language, but it does break it down to a very basic lev-" Cheerilee continued. "I already speak it and this is hardly my first time writing a new language." I interrupted. "I just need some time to assign some mnemonics, and spelling shouldn't be too different." Cheerilee didn't respond for a few moments. Her eyes wide. "You speak multiple languages?" "Ya khorosho govoryu pa-russki." I responded with a smirk. "También en otros idiomas." Four blank stares answered me. "I… well." Cheerilee answered slowly. "That first section sounded a little similar to the old Griffon language, but I've never heard…" "How many languages do you speak?" Noi asked from my right. "Four." I shrugged. Noi blinked slowly. "You can speak four languages but can't count to ten? You're the weirdest pony I've ever seen." "I'm also not a pony." I replied dryly. "Wow." I heard her make a tiny gasp. "Coolest. Sister. Ever." I pretended not to smile. I think Noi bought it. "Or coolest tapeworm ever?" Noi scratched at her chin and stared at the ceiling. "I've never met a tapeworm either." "I…" I deadpanned. "Noi, for the last time, I'm not a tapeworm." "Are you sure you're not a tapeworm? Did you crawl into her brain?" Noi asked, fire in her eyes. "If I'm lying may Celestia strike me down." I chuckled. For a few moments everyone was quiet. I rubbed my good foreleg on my chest, as if shining an apple. "Well she hasn't struck me down so-" "Wait, the trip from Canterlot probably takes a while." Noi insisted. "Are you... Are you serious?" "Well yeah, it's on a giant mountain miles away, silly." Noi rolled her eyes. "Can't she teleport?" I retorted. "Well I dunno. I never met her." Noi responded as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. Y'know, not even gonna try with that one. "So um, what now?" I questioned, turning to Cheerilee. Cheerilee let out a short laugh. "Well judging from the lack of casual divine intervention, I was going to suggest you and Noi get some sleep while I work on a curriculum with Golden Harvest and Written Script." "I just… just woke up." My body chose the absolute worst time to yawn. "I can learn some more. C'mon, hit me." Cheerilee cocked her head to the side and chuckled. "While I love to see a pony enthusiastic to learn, good fillies must get their rest. You got a growing body to support and a broken leg to heal. Plus all those other boo-boos from the timberwolf." "Timberwolf?!" Noi cut in loudly, crossing her forelegs and pouting. "You told me you were attacked by a manticore!" Cheerilee looked from Noi to me, an eyebrow raised and a side smile on her face. "Eh." I shrugged. "The manticore story was cooler. And I guess yo-" another yawn cut me off. Damn, was this kid narcoleptic or something? "Mmm, guess you're right." I followed Noi slowly as she led me back to our room. She, of course, still had pep in her step. "Wanna see the comic book I'm making?" Noi asked eagerly. "It's gonna be called 'The Adventures of Phenyx!'" I shrugged and plopped down on my side, back to the fishtank for light, as Noi pulled a stack of colorful stapled papers towards me. Noi made her way around to my back and plopped on me, resting her stomach on my side and opening the first page of the comic book. "Wow, you really are warm." Noi commented. "This is nice." "Uh…" I struggled to speak. "What are you doing?" "Laying on you." Noi responded casually, as if I was just asking about the weather. "'Cause you're warm." "Well yes, I see that. But like… we don't know each other that well." I hesitated. "We're sisters now." Noi arched an eyebrow at me. "What, is this weird where you're from? I mean I can move if you want, but I don't really want to." "Kirin do this too." Sunny chipped in. "It's not weird for us. Just be careful you're not squished between two bigger Kirin laying on each other. That can get a bit too warm." "It is kinda weird." I admitted. Noi's ears flopped and her vision dropped to the ground. "Oh, okay. Sorry." Damn guilt tripping kids. It probably wasn't on purpose, but... "Okay, you can stay." I sighed. Noi's manic smile returned. "Tell me about this comic. What is this main character?" "She's a faun, you dork." Noi responded sassily. "I'll leave the page open so you can read. Tell me when to turn." I massaged the side of my muzzle. "Noi, I can't read your language, remember?" "Aw, nuts." Noi complained. "I forgot. I can just read it to you!” Oh joy. “You don’t seem very interested.” Sunny noted. “I can feel it. Do you want me to take over? I’m interested in this faun character and you can get some rest.” I nodded and a quick dizzy spell later, Sunny was in charge of the body again. “Okay, so…” Noi started. “It all began during a cold winter’s day in the den hidden in the depths of the Everfree…” “In Noi’s defense, it is much less contrived than I’d expect a story made by somebody her age. And I can easily see living with Script has widened her vocabulary a good bit.” I commented. “I dunno what contrived means…” Sunny spoke in our head, still in control of the body and crawling into bed. “But I thought it was pretty good!” Sunny froze, her eyes scanning the sheets below her. “Uhm… Jenny? I know we’ve had a very… intense week together, but… well, it's just... Back when I had King and Orange and all them... Um... I always told them I loved them even if nobody else loved them or believed in them every night before I went to sleep, and now that I have somebody else here with me... I know we just met, but-” “And all I've done so far is hurt you and mess things up.” I retorted. “You just woke. You were confused and lost. I know you were trying your best. I forgive you. Please forgive yourself.” Sunny continued, an unsure tone in her voice. “Being that kind and forgiving will have people walking all over you, kid.” I replied bluntly, scratching the side of my nose. “So, okay, no... Uh... Goodnight, Jenny.” I let out a long sigh. “G’nite, kid." “Mickey.” I greeted the bartender with a forced smile and quick nod as I slid into my usual seat at the end of the bar. “The usual.” The old Russian man nodded and turned his back to me, reaching for a long, transparent bottle behind him. A quick pour later, and I was looking at a long, completely clear glass. I took a long sip and relaxed on my stool as the alcohol ate away at the tension locked in my shoulders and back. Fucking tests were murder on my stress levels. If I needed to spend one more minute studying the bones of the hand I was going to- “Well if it ain’t the new girl.” Came a silky voice from my right. I choked on my drink as I swung my head to the newcomer. When I saw who it was, I froze in place. Looking back at me was at least six feet of pure, curvy, tan, feminine beauty. She had blonde hair just past her shoulders, with the tips dyed red. Long eyelashes, black eyeshadow, and bright pink lipstick. She was wearing a bright blue t-shirt and skinny jeans. She was the kind of beauty you’d see in magazines, not in seedy bars talking to people like me. I swallowed and instinctually looked behind me. I don’t know why, I knew it was the wall, but still… “Nah, cutie, talking to you.” She teased, biting down slightly on her lower lip in a way that made the room feel twenty degrees warmer all of a sudden. Oh my god. Holy fuck. Was she flirting with me? “Damn, can’t speak English?” She winked. I swallowed hard. “Uh, hi.” She slid into the stool next to me, fluttering her eyelashes at the bartender “Hey Nicholas, can I get something sweet?” “Konechno.” Mickey responded, turning his back again to mix a drink. “So new girl, what did you call Nicholas earlier?” “Oh, um...” God, why did this already feel like an interrogation? The room was hotter than the middle of July and I think my cheeks were on fire. “Mickey. Nicholas is his American name. I was calling him by his native name. Well, my nickname for him. He uh… served with… my dad. In the Marines." Her eyes flickered to my hair and back. “Yup, figures you were a military brat. You serve yourself?” Shit, was that an insult or not? Jesus, nobody had ever taught me to talk to girls, much less Amazonian demigods in human form. “Uh, no. I mean I considered it, but uh…” “Ah, well in that case, Senior Airman Maria Johnson, at your service.” The goddess did a little bow. “Uhm, Jenny Böhr.” I responded softly. “Chair Force or Navy?" There was a moment of quiet where all the color drained from my face as I realized what I just said. “I mean Air F-” There was suddenly a finger pressed against my lips. “It’s okay. I’m not gonna take offense to something like that. Yes, Air Force.” She took her time taking her finger off my face and I think my entire face was on fire by this point. “Forgive me, your name sounds German but you look, ah, somewhat asian.” “My mom was Korean.” I answered quickly. “Interesting. Tell me, what are you majoring in? I’ve seen you all over campus.” Maria spoke slowly, sweetly. I felt my brain filling up with fog. I’d never seen this lady before, on or off campus. “Um, nursing. You?” “Oh, I’m not a student here. I’m just visiting my sister for a few weeks on leave.” She chewed softly on her lower lip in a way that did things to me. Like, I was going to need a towel soon if she didn’t stop. “Are you here for the drinks, or you looking for some female accompaniment tonight?” My face was definitely on fire now. “How did you…” Was I that obvious? Oh god, what was going on? She let out a chuckle, scanning my outfit. “Really? A messy bun and a flannel. Your outfit screams ‘lesbian’.” I blinked hard. “That’s a thing?” She rolled her eyes and smiled. “Yes, Jen. So, am I barking up the wrong tree?” There was no way. Storytale things like these didn’t happen to me. I was a nerd with anger issues and glasses, not some… princess. “What’s the catch?” I asked bluntly. Maria closed her eyes and smiled, savoring the moment. “Oh, I do so love it when girls know I’m playing with them. Tell you what, we play a little game. I win a drinking contest, you pay for my drinks the rest of the night. You win, I pay for yours. And maybe if things go well… who knows?” Oh, now it was definitely going my way. Thank you, Lady Luck. “Tell you what, if I win…” I grinned. “I get your number, instead.” Maria let out a slow, sultry laugh. “Oh honey, you got yourself a deal.” “Mickey, desyat' ryumok vodki, pozhaluysta.” I gave the bartender a quick wink. He responded with a sly smile. “You speak Russian?” Maria’s sure grin faltered. “Oh honey, you should have found out a bit more about me before you challenged me to a drinking challenge.” I winked. “This is my bar.”