Aria Blaze grunted. "Ohhh...shit. Where the fuck am I?" She squinted through red, rheumy eyes at the ceiling above the bed. "Anyone got a fucking aspirin?"
"Good morning!" a cheerful, slightly nasal voice said.
"What's good about it?" Aria reached over, putting her hand on the labcoated nerd's leg. Twilight Sprackle? Her name was something like that. "It would be better if you'd get me a pain pill. Seems like you oughta be able to make some pretty good drugs in a lab this fancy. Is that how you pay for all these science gadgets and shit?" Aria looked around at a thousand weird things she didn't know the names or purposes of.
"It's a WONDERFUL morning!" Twilight said. "Because YOU'RE going to have a DAUGHTER!"
Aria stared into Twilight's eyes, looking for any signs that this might be a sick joke. Looking...and looking...and finding nothing but earnest sincerity.
"Shit," she said. "What the fuck happened last night?"
***
Sitting in the Canterlot High School lunchroom, Twilight Sparkle remarked, "I think my problem is...I'm too nice."
"I like nice," Fluttershy said.
Pinkie Pie nodded. "There's nothing wrong with nice. I like it too. Just like I like YOU, Twilight!" Pinkie skipped over and hugged Twilight. "See?"
Twilight nodded. "But...there's more to life. You girls have told me all about back when Sunset took over the whole high school, and for a few years she got almost everything she wanted. She didn't do it by being nice. She was...more assertive."
Applejack guffawed. "THAT what you call it, Twilight? No offense, of course."
Sunset shook her head. "Twilight, the way I used to be...it isn't anything to aspire to. I changed for a REASON."
"Yes," Twilight acknowledged. "But...people can still feel that if you wanted to, you could be different from how you are now. If you really wanted to, at the drop of a hat, on the turn of a dime..." Twilight tried and failed to snap her fingers, three or four times.
Sunset cocked her eyebrows as she smirked. "I could be a royal bitch, and make them sorry?"
"Yes!" Twilight agreed. "That. It gives you a certain...influence. I still remember how, at the rigged ring toss game, as you got angrier and angrier, they tried to just GIVE you a giant stuffed animal. Would they do that for someone else?"
"Darling," Rarity said with a small smile. "If you have to go so far as to show ANGER to get men to do what you want, you're doing it wrong."
Twilight sighed. "Sure. I'm glad that works for you, Rarity. But you and I are different people. Some things come easily to you...and some of those things don't come so easily to me. I wouldn't even know where to start. I'd have to literally be a different person. Or get a different person to do it for me."
"Oh no," Rainbow said. "Twi, don't you dare--"
"That's it!" Twilight clapped her hands together. "That's exactly what I need. A different person! Of course!" She pulled a small bottle out of her purse, gulped down the contents, and ran out of the room. "See you girls later! It's SCIENCE time!"
Rainbow got up and ran after her. A minute later, she came back. "I'm sorry, ladies. Twilight's latest super-speed potion is just too good. She got too much of a head start on me."
"Oh...how unfortunate," Rarity said.
"Yeah, I know." Rainbow frowned. "She should at least have to pay me copyrights or something for stealing my super-fast DNA."
***
In a cocktail bar not far from CHS, instrumental music played. A young woman with purple and blue-streaked hair walked among the tables, her low-cut, short-skirted ensemble showing plenty of skin to encourage tips.
Her name was Aria.
At the bar's entrance, a door slammed open. The waitress looked to see who had done it. Was her day about to become more interesting? Or just a bigger pain in the ass?
In the doorway, a nerdy girl with purple and magenta hair smiled nervously. "Heh heh. Sorry. I guess sometimes I just don't know my own speed."
The waitress approached the newcomer. "Yeah, yeah. You're the kind of girl who's really fast. Ha ha."
"It depends on what I've had to drink. If I've been gulping down my friend Rainbow's--"
"I don't need to hear the graphic details, miss. What I need to know is, are you even old enough to be in here?"
"Sure!" the nerdy girl chirped. She reached into her purse. "Look at my I.D.! It's perfect!"
The waitress grabbed the driver's license out of the nerd's hand. "Let me check this." She held the card under a scanner mounted behind a combination hostess/bouncers stand by the entrance. "Fuck. This is the new style of license they're just coming out with."
"Of course! It's perfect, like I said."
"This type isn't supposed to come out until next year."
"Look." Twilight pointed at a green light. "Does the machine say it's genuine or not?"
"It's TOO genuine. Guaranteed impossible to counterfeit. That's the fucking problem. It's as real as a fucking time machine."
"Oh...fudgesicles," Twilight muttered. "This is my problem right here. I don't know how to be assertive...so I can't be assertive enough to get what I need to help me learn to be assertive."
"Don't worry, sister," the waitress said. "If the machine lets you in, and you pay for your drinks in advance, I don't got a problem with you. Come in and sit down. In fact...fuck it, we like cute girls in here. First drink's on the house! Anything you want."
"Thank you!" Twilight smiled. "How about...a DOUBLE cherry Coke? No alcohol, though."
"Yeah, of course not." Aria agreed. "Sit anywhere you like, and I'll bring it to you in a minute."
An hour later, Twilight was sitting at the bar, leaning with one arm on the waitress who was taking a turn as bartender. "So you see..." Twilight said, "You're exactly the kind of girl I'm looking for. Assertive, domineering...but still not an absolutely unconditional alpha. The kind who can tell other people they're full of...fudge, or tell them what to do...but you're still able to take instructions, like you did from Adagio when you three were trying to take over CHS. You're the perfectly balanced combination, really." Twilight tried to wink at Aria.
"You got something in your eye, honey?"
Twilight laughed, too loudly and too long. "Oh, no. I'm just...trying to flirt, I guess." She reached into her purse and pulled out a specially printed cocktail napkin. "Can you write your name and phone number here? I want it for...my collection. I mean, for reference. I mean--"
"Look, honey, I get it. I'm hot, you're hot to trot...it's only natural." Aria cocked her head for a moment, as she held a pen and stared into space. She whispered to herself, "Fuck it. This girl is fucking cute."
Unlike her usual habit, Aria wrote not only her name, but her real phone number directly beneath it.
"Thank you," Twilight said sweetly. But silently, the nerd rejoiced. "Yes! She signed the fine-print waiver! Now I can steal her DNA for my experiments AND not even have to pay royalties!"
***
Sitting up in the bed, Aria held out her hand to accept an aspirin tablet. "Sounds like one of my usual Tuesday nights. This isn't even the first time I've woke up Wednesday morning and had someone tell me I might be pregnant. But I'll just get a fucking morning after pill, and I'll be fine."
Twilight shook her head. "It doesn't work like that."
"Fuck you say. I'm taking one right on schedule, and no one on this earth can stop me."
"I never said you were pregnant. I said you have a daughter!"
"I'm pretty sure if I had a daughter already, I would know."
Twilight picked up a remote control for her big-screen combination datascreen-television.
A video started playing. "You understand," Twilight said, "I made a video record for quality control purposes. That, and because scientific research requires good record keeping."
"Fuck," Aria said as she stared up at the screen. "What the fuck were we doing?"
***
In the video...
"Next," Twilight said, "I need you to spread your legs wide."
"You sure you're any good at this?" Aria asked. "You're so...clinical. You're like a fucking doctor's visit."
Twilight held up a large white wand. "Would you like a sonogram? My lab is certified as a medical imaging center. I can save you hundreds of dollars on your medical bills. Even thousands, if you want me to be really thorough."
"The fuck kind of seduction line is that? Why can't you just tell a girl you want her to sit on your face, like most people?"
Twilight adjusted a dial on a nearby machine. "If you don't want a sonogram, we could go straight to the more...pleasant vibration modes. Your choice! Because this night is all about you, Aria."
"Fuck it. Show me what you got, you silly bitch."
"I thought you'd never ask!" Twilight chirped. She held the wand out, and very gently rubbed it on Aria's stomach. "How does this feel?"
"It's...something. But you're doing everything wrong." Aria grabbed Twilight with both hands, pulling the nerdette until she fell forward onto the exam table. "Don't you even know how to kiss, or how to get a girl in the mood first?"
Sprawled over Aria's body, Twilight looked up seriously into the siren's purple eyes. "I'd really, really like to learn. Teach me, Aria."
***
Aria admired the 4K video quality on the screen above. "The fuck. So that's what happened. But what's this shit about my having a daughter?"
"Some of the equipment I used serves a dual purpose, of pleasuring your body AND collecting DNA samples. I put the sample in my accelerated clone generator, wait a few hours, and..." A bell rang somewhere. "Just a minute."
Twilight went into the next room. Aria felt too hung over to follow her, and lay back down. "Wake me when I don't feel like I tried to wrestle a truck with my forehead."
Aria lay down and fell asleep.
About an hour later, Aria's eyes opened again, and slowly focused. "Fuck are you?"
"You like it?" Twilight chirped. "It's your clone body! She says anything I program her to. Isn't it great?"
Aria blinked. She reached out, trying to check if the SECOND young woman standing at her bedside was real. "Why can't this be a mirror? Or a bad dream? Maybe this is a bad dream."
"Hey, asshole," the clone replied. "Maybe your stupid face is a bad dream."
"She's so wonderful!" Twilight said. "I could never talk like that myself and make it sound convincing. But by communicating through your clone...I can express myself in ways I never could before!" Twilight reached down out of Aria's view, and tapped out words on a keyboard.
"Hey fuckstank," the clone said. "You don't even have to lay a man anymore, to make a terrible mistake and get a daughter. Congratulations."
"Hey!" Twilight complained. "Bad clone! I didn't program you to call last night a mistake."
The clone reached up and slapped the back of Twilight's head. "You didn't HAVE to tell me it was a mistake. I know a mistake when I see it. Like you, you stupid bitch. I've never seen a bigger mistake in my life than your stupid conceited face. Why didn't you think to at least ASK me if I wanted to be born." The clone looked up at the video still playing on the screen above. "But at least we got some good porn out of it. The nerd girl is kind of a dweeb, but I'm the sexiest thing on two legs. Really, what could possibly be sexier than me?"
Aria smiled. "What could be sexier than one of me? TWO of me."
The clone looked Aria up and down. "Yeah, that checks out. You don't need the dweeb anymore, to have a good time. We've got each other." The clone leaned over the bed, grabbed Aria by the shoulders, and gave her a long, wet kiss.
After catching her breath, Aria said, "Fuck. That was...well, you know exactly how I like it."
"No shit. I'm the best, because I'm you. Let's ditch the dweeb and go home."
Aria climbed out of bed, not bothering to bring any blankets or sheets along to cover herself, and started searching around the room. "Where are my clothes? And you know what, Twilick or whatever your name is? You owe me another set of clothes for my clone, too. After you did whatever the fuck weird science on me all night, that's the least you can do." She gave Twilight a look that was only slightly threatening.
Twilight smiled nervously. "I...uh...I'll see what I can do for you."
A minute later, she said into her phone, "It's an emergency, Rarity. I need two sets of clothes for Aria."
Rarity laughed long and hard. "For Aria? You mean that siren who tried to go to CHS but dropped out? And why would you need TWO sets? And why aren't you at school?"
"I...I was trying to learn how to assert myself more. How to demand what I want, instead of just going along with what I'm supposed to do. You know...like I was talking about at lunch yesterday."
"Are you telling me TWO sets of clothing for that obnoxious siren girl are what YOU want? If you want some nice clothes, why not clothes for yourself?"
Aria and her clone, making out on the bed, looked over at Twilight scornfully. "Yeah," one of them whispered, "why don't you find out what happens when you don't give us what we want?"
Twilight said into the phone, "It's, um, complicated. If you come over and see for yourself, you'll understand. But maybe you should bring some muscle too. How about...Applejack?"
"Applejack too, darling? You DO know today is a school day? How many of your friends do you want to ask to skip out like delinquents? If you want some Apple muscle, why not ask for Big Mac instead? At least he's already graduated."
Twilight glanced over at the two Arias, who were posing sexily and wiggling their bodies. "Yes," one of them whispered. "Send Big Mac over. We could have some real fun with him. I'll bet you an extra copy of that video, we can get him groveling and licking our feet in five minutes or less, without our doing anything for him at all."
Twilight shook her head. "No. Do NOT send over Big Mac. That would be..." Twilight saw the Arias sticking out their tongues, "...a very bad idea. No boys at all. Well, maybe if they're very, very gay, and absolutely trustworthy."
***
Rarity arrived inside Twilight's lab less than an hour later. she glared at the two Arias.
"You," Rarity said, "are making a mockery of feminine allure and everything allure stands for."
Aria whacked Twilight on the head. "Aw, go suck a brick. If I cared what you think...I don't, so it doesn't matter."
"Stop hitting my friend."
"She deserves it. Do you know what she did to us?"
Rarity rolled her eyes, incidentally seeing more of the video playing above. "It looks like she showed you a good time. Why are you complaining now? You weren't complaining then."
"I didn't know I was going to have a DAUGHTER...a twin...whatever the fuck is going on here. I had no idea."
Rarity nodded. "What I think you're telling me is, you had no idea you were in the lair of an...evil mad scientist. A girl who could make you play right into her clever, fiendish plans. A girl who could harness horrific natural forces that you can hardly even imagine, let alone comprehend."
"Um..." said one of the Arias.
Rarity smiled wickedly. "Here's my suggestion. Don't make an enemy of her. If she can create another you, just for something fun to do on a Tuesday night...try to imagine what she could accomplish if you really ticked her off. What's the most terrifying mad scientist thing you can imagine an insane genius doing to you?"
The two Arias glanced uneasily at each other.
"Whatever you're imagining, you know in your hearts Twilight could do infinitely worse. So why tempt fate?" Rarity held out two paper bags. "Dress yourselves in the perfectly adequate garments inside these sacks, go away, and pray that Twilight never thinks about you again. Because...what if you convinced her that the two of you are an inconvenient, troublesome mess she needs to clean up? How long do you think either of you would last, if she put her mind to it?"
"I...um..." an Aria said.
"Thank you for the clothes!" the other said. The two women hastily dressed, grabbed Aria's purse, and ran out of the building.
Twilight and Rarity looked out the window, watching both Arias hurry away down the sidewalk.
Rarity gave Twilight a knowing smile. "So...did you learn anything from this, Twilight?"
Twilight sighed. "My clone generator is more trouble than it's worth. Or at least I shouldn't clone EVIL people."
"That's...true, I'm sure, as far as it goes. But the main lesson you should take from this is, you need to learn to solve your problems for yourself, or with a little help from your friends. Creating evil clones to try to get THEIR help is not appropriate behavior for a proper young lady."
"I know that, now. Looking back at what I've done, the lesson seems so obvious. But I still feel there's something else, something I'm forgetting."
"I know you've hacked the school's computers that track attendance. But even so, if you make a habit of never showing your face at CHS, sooner or later someone WILL become suspicious."
"Yes, that. Thank you, Rarity. Let's go to school. Thank you for coming here to help me in my crisis. And for reminding me of what's truly important."
Rarity hugged Twilight. "What are friends for?"