Running through the field of dinosaurs, the Rushsian infiltrating agent entered the central headquarters of the venerable Captain Shining Armor’s military base. Bribed with a petty sum of 3.14 million bits, the Rushsian infiltrating agent began leveling his supa-deadly tennis ball bazooka launcher, poised to stop any unicorn in his path, most particularly the useless Captain Shining Armor.
After the passage of homogeneous, transverse time, he rounded the corner and saw two unicorn guards standing by mindlessly. With the precision of Rushsian roulette, he fired onto the two unicorn guards, the tennis balls preventing the casting of offensive magical attacks due to its insulative nature. The two unicorn guards collapsed before the might of the supa-deadly tennis ball bazooka launcher, the former due to the tennis ball hitting him square in the face, while the latter slipped over and fell onto a tennis ball.
Suddenly, a guard noticed the Rushsian sneaking into the ultimate high-security clearance military base and grappled with him, kicking his supa-deadly bazooka out of the way, making him supa-less deadly.
However, as everybody in Equestria knew kung fu, the Rushsian spun around and punched the guard. Despite this, as the guard is a supa-kung fu master, the guard twirled around like a ballet dancer, avoiding the endless waves of punches coming from the Rushsian. Finally aware that the spy had been disarmed, he began firing at the Rushsian spy with magical blasts.
Thinking quickly, the Rushsian dashed down the hallway, hoping to find Captain Shining Armor. This attracted the attention of more guards that began to pursue him at high speed down the maze of corridors. After a game of Where’s Wally, the guard finally managed to track the Rushsian down.
But it was too late. The spy entered Captain Shining Armor’s ultimate office to find his dead corpse. As the entire security perimeter force stormed into the idiotic Captain Shining Armor’s room, they chanced upon a Minnie Mouse plushie, and his lifeless corpse.
Assuming that the Rushsian spy had killed Captain Shining Armor, they opened fire on him with an assortment of weaponry, including but not limiting to the Mark VI chocolate fondue blaster, the supa-penetrating five nanometer anti-tank gun, the supa-amazing magically-enhanced magic blaster and the supa-deadly tennis ball launcher. Unfortunately, due to the death of Captain Shining Armor, Equestria’s best soldier, his soldiers had instantly lost 40 IQ points, and were now aiming with the accuracy of stormtroopers.
With little effort, the spy leapt under the glorious Captain Shining Armor’s table, which, other than being able to withstand 13.5 Richter scale earthquakes, could easily sustain and protect the said assortment of firepower Captain Shining Armor’s minions could throw at it.
Realizing the opportunity, the Rushsian spy carried the table with his two front hooves, and dashed toward the attacking crowd with a ramming attack. It was supa-effective, knocking the entire contingent of soldiers like pins on a bowling alley, due to the epic defensive stats of the discerning Captain Shining Armor’s table. One guard flew to the air, slamming onto the wall with the speed of subatomic particles in the Large Hadron Collider.
Dismayed, the Rushsian spy, being unable to kill the amazing Captain Shining Armor, activated his supa-high-velocity runic particle accelerator, firing a pea at 90% the speed of light, destroying the entire complex.
He left the complex to find the ultimate mob boss of the Crystal Mafia to report on his mysterious findings.
“WHO KILLED CAPTAIN SHINING ARMOR?!” Spoiled Richard (not Spoiled Rich), the ultimate mob boss of the Crystal Mafia, boomed in the face of three puny ponies in front of him. “What the hell happened?!”
Spoiled Richard turned to face the Rushsian spy, who stood competently by the side, looking adamant. But Spoiled Richard Batman-slapped him with a “POW”, knocking him senseless to the ground. The spy clasped onto his bleeding face.
“Are you crazy? You want money for this!? Did YOU kill him?” Spoiled Richard remained steadfast in his line of questioning.
“No, no! It’s not me! He’s already dead when I arrived at his supa-secret military headquarters. Please! Don’t kill me!” the Rushsian spy begged.
Unsatisfied, Spoiled Richard grabbed a pistol with his hooves and fired it at the Rushsian spy, somehow. The Rushsian spy died.
Spoiled Richard then looked into the camera, his eyes bulging. “Then who killed Captain Shining Armor? WHO?!”
“I did.”