My name is not important, what is important is what I do for a living...
I Hunt Ponies
No, I am not talking about the young horses you are familiar with. The ones you see at the race track, on a farm, or in the movies. No, The kind I am talking about are the type you would only learn about in a fantasy tale or view from a child’s favorite cartoon show. Bright, multi colorful, magical, talking ponies.
You read that correctly, sentient ponies.
I imagine you are thinking ‘This guy is a nut’, however, having gotten this far into the entry I can assure you I mean everything single word. In fact, chances are you are already aware of these creatures. There was a huge international Fad based around them after all. Have you ever heard of a television show called: My Little Pony?
Of course you have, for about a decade it was all but impossible not to stumble upon some aspect of that franchise, at least once; and I am here to tell you it is quite real.
The Ponies are real,
The Characters are real,
Equestria is real,
And my job is to hunt them down and I am damn good at it. Anticipation as I prepare for the hunt, the sheer exhilaration as I chase down a frantic and panicking pony, the pure pleasure I get when all they see of me in their goddess’s darkest nights are my eyes and grin as they know that their end has come and life as they knew it is over. I so do love savoring their terror and fear just before I deliver the final blow. It is like sweet ambrosia. I am so good that the ponies have even given me several nicknames but the one that stuck is ‘Smiling Jack’. I have to confess I am quite fond of that one myself.
Now, before you get any off the wall ideas, I want to be clear. When I say ‘Hunt’ I don’t mean ‘Kill’. I Hunt to capture them.
During the whole ‘Brony’ Fad a lot of people took advantage of the movement with varying degrees of success. Some got into music and produced some really catchy tunes. I am embarrassed to admit that I have even bought some albums. Others went into animations and other various ventures, but there was another demand. One that most of these obsessed fans wanted desperately but knew that it would never be the case. That’s where I come in; you want a Pony? I will get you one as long as you’re willing to pay the price.
At this point, you are most likely wondering ‘If this is true then how did you get into Equestria in the first place?’ Unfortunately, I honestly couldn’t tell you the details of how it works because I don’t know myself, just know that I can travel from Earth to Equestria, and back. All I require is an episode of the show, and a mirror and I will transport there in about 25 seconds although coming back is way less difficult.
When I first arrived there I was overwhelmed, I mean who wouldn't be? It was then that I discovered that fantasy was in fact reality. Traveling around their world I made sure to keep my distance. I reasoned that just because the ponies were nice and friendly on the show doesn’t mean that is what they were like in real life.
That, however, is an interesting choice of words considering the topic of this memoir.
Anyway, to answer the question that is most likely in your head: Yes; I did think about approaching these ‘Equstrians’ in the name of friendship. Perhaps by getting to know them, we could learn a lot from each other but...I don’t know. There was always something in the back of my mind that always derailed that train of thought. I don’t know how to describe it exactly but there was just something about them that repelled me. Like there was some latent animosity I didn’t even know I had until I saw them with my own eyes. A feeling that seem to grow stronger the more I observed them in the following weeks.
I know, I know, you're asking: ‘How can I have such negative feelings for creatures you don’t even know personally?' But, I have no answer that would satisfy you, the best way I can think of to describe it would be to imagine a sudden and intense itching powder thrown in your damn crotch!
I am not sure exactly when I made the decision but at some point I decided to scrap the whole ‘Friendship’ nonsense and try to figure out a way to exploit them. It wasn’t difficult coming up with reasons for this, I recently got laid off from my job (which didn’t pay that well to begin with), I had bills overdue, debts that needed to be paid, hell, eventually I would have been kicked out of my apartment all together. Friendship didn't put food in a starving belly.
I’m sure you get the idea, but the question was how was I going to use these magical ponies to make a living? I wrote earlier how some in the brony community was able to use that subculture to make a living for themselves but I knew I couldn’t follow in their footsteps. Music, Animation, Writing, Games, everything under the Earth’s sun has already been cornered. Anything I try to do at that point would just be white noise.
But there was a market completely untapped.
The one common theme with all of these Bronies (or at least most of them) is that they wanted these magical talking ponies to be alive. A lot of them desperately wish they could meet them, talk with them, be their friends. I am sure even ‘play’ with them. They wanted the characters of My Little Pony to be real, not an idea, but flesh and blood real.
A service, I realized, only I could provide. A business I would have a complete monopoly over and the demand would be virtually infinite as long as Hasbro kept these creatures in front of the masses in one form or another. I couldn’t of asked for better marketing and it's not like I have any personal ties with these creatures so there was no guilt of any kind for what I did to them.
To say that I was excited would be a huge understatement. I couldn’t even begin to put to words my thoughts and feelings the night of my epiphany but make no mistake, I didn’t just jump into this endeavor face first thinking it would be no problem. No, for something this big I knew I needed to take my time, to plan, to learn, set up a business model, etc.
I made sure to get ahold of every piece of My Little Pony content I could get my hands on and I studied. I didn’t just learn about the main characters but also the side characters, the recurring characters, even the entire library of background characters that you would see only once in the entire show. I made sure to know them all and I can honestly say, while the cartoon is decently accurate to the real Equestria in the general sense there is a LOT they got wrong but that detail is for another time perhaps. Needless to say I made SURE I was well prepared for this venture.
Of course you can’t go hunting without the right equipment and precautions and as you can imagine I have various tools at my disposal both regular and magical. What I use varies from job to job but, one tool that I take to every job is a modified Model 70 Bolt action Winchester Rifle I named Sumatra. She's my favorite, and we are quite a team if I do say so myself.
Now, you are probably thinking of the price. What do I charge my clients for providing them with these exotic creatures and I will tell you that there is no set price. Various factors come into play for each job.
Is the target a main character, recurring character, or background character?
Is there a time frame for delivery?
Which of the pony races does the target belong to?
Do I have to... domesticate them or do they wish to do it themselves?
I charge the most for Pegasus, one would think that unicorns would be the trickiest to obtain and sometimes that is true however in the end no matter their abilities Unicorns and Earth ponies are still earthbound. Pegasus can fly which means they can go anywhere so if you miss an opportunity or screw something up, it could throw a wrench in your plans and set you back for days even weeks, not to mention that damn city in the sky.
Yes, you heard right those flying ponies have a city in the blasted sky. They call it Cloudsale and the times that my hunts brought me there were not ideal. Hell, just getting there is tricky for a mere human but, I have my methods and resources.
Needless to say, the prices can range from the late hundred thousands easily into the millions, and that doesn’t even include expenses. It may be a surprise but some of these bronies have very deep pockets or they have friends and/or family with deep pockets. I have been hired by more than one set of wealthy parents wanting to get their little girl the ultimate special gift. Who am I to deny a child such happiness?
Lastly, I want to talk about the rules. Yes, I do have rules, you would be surprised how many factors I have to consider when it comes to each job and I quickly realized that I needed a set of rules that I must follow.
1. Above all others if and/or when I accept a contract. Make sure the client understands the contract - Often I have to explain to the potential client that they must make sure they want this particular target and not to change their mind after.
Every contract made is NOT renegotiable nor can it be rescinded. Once the agreement is finalized, it is locked. Also I have to make clear that they are not my only client and each pony is unique as their first choice might not be available.
There is only ONE Twilight Sparkle.
There is only ONE Pinkie Pie,
There is only ONE Vinyl Strach and they need to understand that fact. There are other details to make clear but those are the two main factors I have ran into the most.
2. Hunt only every 3 to 4 months - After every hunt I need to give Equestria time to cool off. You do NOT want an entire nation of magical pissed off ponies looking for you.
3. ALWAYS make sure that my safe houses are well stocked. I have several locations throughout Equestria that I use for sub-bases. I never know when I might have to remain there for days or perhaps weeks on end to plan for a job and having such locations come in handy for that or if I need to hide out quickly from a job that gets messier than expected. I have been discovered more than once but thankfully I haven’t been caught, yet.
4. NEVER EVER under any circumstances bring any magic (item or otherwise) from Equestria to Earth. I never tested this out and I don’t ever plan to.
5. DON’T go after colts and fillies. Unless they are orphans or I am hired to obtain an entire family, this is a rule I will not break.
6. Never kill under any circumstances - the victims might become future prey and if they are dead I don't get paid. Of course accidents happen, though.
7. ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS have a sure fire way to get paid! - I always make sure to do research on any new client before I even meet with them to discuss terms. This is a job that isn’t exactly well known or have a union so I have to make sure they can pay the bill.
There are other rules of course but these seven I follow above all others and so far it has worked out splendidly. Of course it hasn’t always been champagne and caviar, I’ve had more than my share of adversity at the hooves of those pastel colored ponies, especially in the beginning but no matter what I always make sure to be thorough with my plans and adapt quickly if the situation calls for it. There have been many bumps but I have never failed a contract (a point that I take pride in repeating).
In case you are wondering (and I know you are) what my most difficult job has been. Perhaps the greatest hunt in my long career was going after the Pegasus mare called Rainbow Dash.
If you have gotten this far and are familiar with the show I won’t go into too much detail on who that is but needless to say, not only was she arguably the fastest Pegasus in Equestria but she spends a LOT of time in Cloudsale. Turns out she is the head of a huge factory that makes rainbows. I will never go into what I saw there but what I will say is this, ‘Factory’ is FAR from the right word to describe that - place, ‘Fortress’ is a better term if not overly simplified.
It took over 3 months just to plan that hunt and longer still for all the prep work. The whole damn thing took a little over a year and a half to pull off but in the end (and damn did she put up a fight) she came to be just another notch on my belt. I’ve heard to this day they haven’t made any more rainbows but then again considering the damage I had to deal in order to achieve the objective, I am not surprised in the least. Hell, I might have unwittingly did Equestria a favor.
Ah, The look of realization she gave when she look up at me, broken and defeated was absolutely priceless. She kept mumbling 'Please forgive me' and 'It was for the flock' over and over.
Have I mentioned before that I love my job?
I suppose the only last point to discuss is why. Why am I writing this down where any schmuck could see it. Honestly, I don’t know, perhaps I just needed to get this off my chest to someone. Maybe I wanted someone to know what I am and what I do even if that person will only find this long after I am dead and gone. Perhaps I just wanted to mark down some kind of personal record before my last hunt.
Yes, I am goin on my last hunt, at least for now. Not that I want to retire but after doing this for years there are just too many factors. The main one is all Equestria at this point, they say if you play with fire long enough you are going to get burned, well you can imagine my situation over there. Not that I blamed them considering how many I’ve taken away. You just got to know when to fold ‘em. That's alright, it's not like I need the money now, I am quite wealthy at this point and have many great memories. That is why this last hunt is for no one but myself. A reward for all my years of dedicated service.
Given my career and lifestyle I haven’t had time to find a mate, have a family or at least companionship. It is perhaps the one regret I have at this stage of my life. Very soon I plan to rectify that.
I won’t give out the pony's name but I can say that she has been in high demand since the very beginning but I always made sure to firmly decline no matter how much money was offered. I knew right away when this whole thing was possible that she would be mine and mine alone. Of course when I bring her to my world she might be sad at first but she will learn to love it here. I will make sure of that. Oh yes, I will take good care of her and tend to her every need.
Of course we will have to move from the noisy and frantic life of the big city. It is no place for such a sweet and delicate creature. Perhaps out in the country somewhere, yes, I know she will love that. She will love her new life with me whether she is ready for it or not.
Though we might have to move regardless. Things are becoming hectic here, it seems recently every time I travel back something new has happened or is happening. The latest was a tornado. A tornado at this time of year in a state that is not known for them. I won’t allow climate change to endanger what's mine, She will be safe with me.
There you have it, What I am and what I do. I know this all sounds incredible and ludicrous, believe me I know, but I swear to you it is the truth. If you find these pages you can do whatever you want with them, it is not like anyone would believe you. Hell maybe put it on some fanfiction site in a vain attempt to gather awareness. You might even get some views or something. Also, Don’t bother looking for any of my clients, I personally made sure that all information is secured.
On the other hand you might be asking yourself, how could I do such a monstrous job. All I can reply with is: Don’t blame me, I am just providing a service. Of course I take great pleasure in it but in the end that is irrelevant. If the demand isn’t there, there would be no need to supply. If you are a brony reading this and you find this all barbaric or worse. You have no one to blame but yourself. Your desire made this all this possible and now creatures that you've grown to care for may or may not be suffering because of your selfishness. Or, perhaps you wish to hire me? In which case if I decide to come back I might be available. Time will tell if you find the clues and follow the trail. You might be able to find me, but I doubt it.
It is time for me to go. I hope you wish me luck
I am about to have a very happy future.
Signed,
Twenty - Five