Reporters swarmed around the crystal palace, clutching onto cameras and microphones as the mythical figure stepped out of its ornate entrance.
“Captain Shining Armor, is this true? Are you going to lead the hunt for the Crystal Mafia? When will you arrest the Crystal Mafia?” a voice blurted out, almost accusingly.
Equestria’s best soldier stood proud on the glittering, pristine steps, the myriad of medals pinned onto his chest blessing every soul with the glory of reflected light. He smiled, exposing a perfect set of teeth.
“Very soon,” the legendary stallion revealed. “The Crystal Mafia is on the run. We will catch the imposters of our city and bring justice back to the Empire. And Princess Cadance has personally appointed me to take the Crystal Mafia down and rid of them forever.”
The crowd gasped. “Sir, is the city safe?”
Captain Shining Armor waved it off with a hoof. “Don’t be stupid. And if you will excuse me, I will begin drafting plans for the attack on the Crystal Mafia.”
Before the crowd could continue chasing the amazing Captain Shining Armor for more answers, he activated his supa horn, discharging a supa amount of magical energy to teleport him exactly three and four-sixteenths of a nautical mile to the military base supa fast.
Blipping into existence, he telepathically triggered all personnel to attack the nearby Crystal Mafia base, which was the center of the Crystal Mafia’s illegal business of selling donuts at atrociously low prices that forced Donut Joe to close down. This market failure meant less money was trickling into the Crystal Empire’s coffers every day, and this had to be stopped by government intervention (a.k.a. force) before Equestria sunk into financial contagion and an economic crisis.
All soldiers were granted an exclusive, supa-edition cupcake-icing bazooka launcher and the Mark III banana mint icing concoction to deal maximum, infrastructural and psychological damage to any rogue, or would-be Crystal Mafian hiding in the safehouse.
Through the power of magical triangulation, the wonderful Captain Shining Armor began deploying his troops for supa-action from a distance through the sheer power of his intelligence. He employed an epic pincer attack on a stray Crystal Mafian who was foalishly guarding the wooden safehouse in an exposed position. Being unequivocally more than a tactical genius himself, he was insulted by how little they thought of him as a worthy opponent in this grand confrontation of mind and might. The Crystal Mafia would pay dearly for this with donuts.
At the right moment, three of his troops sprung up and caught the exposed pony guard in their hooves, lifting him into the air, their exclusive, supa-edition cupcake-icing bazooka launcher and the Mark III banana mint icing concoction ammunition trained on the joker.
However, the Crystal Mafia also had a monopoly on the karate industry of Equestria. Their soldiers have been proficiently and proactively trained in many styles of karate, enabling most to land in the bracket of a B rank supa-kung fu master.
The hapless, constrained Crystal Mafia guard adopted a Shotokan stance and supa-kicked the attacking pegasus, causing his teeth to fly three and a half light years away. He then somersaulted in the air, his hooves spinning about for support and supa-kicked the Earth pony constraining him, snapping his bazooka launcher into two. Staggering onto the ground, the Crystal Mafia guard shouted a “KIAI” and threw himself onto the final opponent, punching him at a moderate 200 punches per second. Even a borderline B rank fighter was incapable of dishing out such weak amounts of damage.
Except…this was all part of the brilliant Captain Shining Armor’s battle plans. While those three were mindlessly grabbing their chests in pain and shame, another sixty-six soldiers took advantage of this distraction to leap through the shattered windows of the safehouse to destroy the practically infinite supply of flour, eggs and sugar fuelling the subsidized donut industry with their bazookas. His eyes lit up at the telepathic reports of mounds of stockpiled foods, before he realized the safehouse in question was not only enabling the subsidized supply of donuts, but other confectionaries such as cupcakes, eclairs and more.
The Crystal Mafian troops holding out inside were caught unawares, and even though they all had black belts in karate, the daily consumption of donuts meant that most suffered from the severe implications of Type II diabetes.
Some experienced shock at the utter destruction of their candyland of glucose, reporting to the medical bay of the safehouse immediately. Being a merciful individual, the compassionate Captain Shining Armor specifically commanded his forces not to attack the overworked fifteen year old medical professional struggling to diagnose which type of shock her patients were exposed to. The sarcastic Captain Shining Armor rolled his eyes in disdain subconsciously at her lack of intellect.
But before the gleeful Captain Shining Armor could blink, the entire safehouse was neutralized as his troops blasted the remaining resistance within with the surplus bazooka shots he pre-prepared for this contingency, inflicting them with the dangerous effects of Type V diabetes.
Unfortunately, the only competent Crystal Mafian guard had managed to slip between his hooves to inform the boss of the Crystal Mafia of his attack on the cupcake industry. But the illustrious Captain Shining knew how important cupcakes were to the Crystal Mafia. He had pierced an important artery that linked to the heart of evil in this criminal organization in a supa-blow. With one of their revenue streams cut, the Crystal Mafia would struggle in financing their Equestrian-wide network of companies, agents and mobs.
It was only a matter of time when he would be able to hunt down the mob boss of the Crystal Mafia and eliminate them.
He clapped his hooves together, and rubbed them. His eyes landed onto the mess of maps and convoluted arrows drawn conspicuously around the axes of advance. He knew what he had to do to put the final nail in the coffin for the infamous Crystal Mafia.
He was ready. He had to be.
Until a bullet greeted him, and he died.