//------------------------------//
// Session #3 
// Story: The Cloudsdale Chronicles 
// by Boltstrike58 
//------------------------------//

"...so, basically, he asked me to go hang out with him and Gentle Breeze, and I freaked out and said no. Brilliant move on my part."

Swift Wing's day found him lying on his back on Dr. Feather's couch, reciting the events of the last few days to the psychologist. She hadn't asked him to sit in that position, it had been his suggestion. After the stress he'd been through recently, he wanted to feel comfortable during this session. He'd explained to her the situation with the three idiots from the weather factory trying to beat him up, but of course, that wasn't the most pressing concern.

Dr. Feather had put down her notepad, and was listening intently to Swift's story. "How did they react when you said no?" she asked. "Did they seem disappointed? Did they act judgmental?"

"Thankfully, no on that second one," Swift answered. "I stumbled over my words a lot, but they didn't seem to notice. Thunder just said he was sorry about it, that maybe it could happen some other time, and then they left."

"Well, isn't that a good sign? They didn't condemn you or anything, and they seem to be willing to wait for you. That's good."

"In theory, yes, it is," said Swift, rubbing his hooves over his eyes. "However, I don't see what's there to stop me from freaking out and doing it again. This happens to me all the time. I set a goal for myself, the time comes to accomplish that goal, I fail to do so, and then I just stew in my own misery. What is there to stop this from being another one of those incidents?"

Dr. Feather looked thoughtful at Swift's words. "What kind of goals are you setting for yourself?" she asked, after a minute.

"Well, I'm not going for huge, world-changing stuff," he admitted. "It's usually just little things, like getting up a few minutes earlier on my days off. But when that day comes, I just silence my alarm clock over and over again, and never get up on time. I can get up for work, but usually, only at the latest possible time. And then I feel lazy because of it."

"Understandable. Anypony would be frustrated with that. Are you sure you're setting realistic times?"

"I think so. I'm only trying to get up around five minutes earlier. Yet, I still can't do it."

"At least you're making an effort. There are plenty of ponies who don't even do that."

Swift sighed to himself. "I know, and sometimes, I do make little bits of progress. But my mind tends to discount those moments. When you've gone so long without anybody believing in you, it's pretty hard to believe in yourself."

"You're talking about your sister?"

"Yeah. My mother...she tried her best to be supportive, but she didn't get me. I know it's cliche to say that, but I don't know how else to put it. I love her, but there's a reason I don't talk to my family anymore."

Dr. Feather sat up, as a thought apparently occurred to her. "What about your father? You never mentioned him before."

Swift visibly flinched. He should've guessed that question would come up sooner or later. Dr. Feather noticed right away that she'd hit a sensitive spot.

"I'm sorry, you don't have to answer—"

"No, no, it's alright," Swift insisted, gathering his willpower. "I just...I haven't thought about him in ages. My parents divorced when I was six, and after that, I never saw him again. I asked my mom why he left us, she told me she didn't know. There's no reason to believe she's lying." His thoughts briefly wandered, thinking about whether or not divorce was a big thing in Equestria. His research hadn't answered that question.

"Do you think that affected you? Maybe it was part of the conditioning that led to your mental illness?" asked Dr. Feather.

"It might've," admitted Swift. "It's not like I'm desperately seeking his approval or anything, I barely remember the guy. When I got older, I thought about tracking him down, but decided not to. If he wasn't gonna be there for me, I'm not gonna try and make him."

"Okay, if you're sure." Swift could tell by the tone of her voice that she wasn't one-hundred percent certain he was telling the truth, but at least she wasn't harping on it.

"Anyway, we've talked about my sister, and her 'charms.' Also, I'm pretty sure she blames me for the divorce, and before you ask, yes, I know it wasn't my fault. I was six at the time, for Celestia's sake! But it just became another reason for her to hate me."

"I'm sorry," said Dr. Feather. "But it looks like you can understand how having the idea that you're no good reinforced continually into your brain left you mentally unhealthy."

"Oh yeah. I'm no psychologist, but I figured that out quite a while ago." He nearly added a sentence about how it helped convince him to come to Equestria, but stopped himself by biting his tongue.

"And when you're presented with an opportunity to socialize and make friends, your negative self-image makes you afraid, and you think they'll judge you the same way she did."

"That's a pretty good way of putting it," Swift summed up. "They don't seem like rude or arrogant ponies, so I'm pretty sure that wouldn't actually happen, but logic doesn't really help when you're having a mini panic attack."

"You said you met with the pony who saved you from those three morons. He invited you out from the hospital. What made that different from Thunder Snow's invitation?"

Swift pondered the question, putting his hoof on his chin. "I...don't know, now that I think about it. I mean, Bow protected me, and I guess that made him seem safe in my head, or something. I didn't really reveal anything personal when I was there, but I didn't feel afraid of him or his wife."

"So, since those other ponies went to the trouble of asking specifically you to hang out, could you try to apply that same logic to those ponies?" asked Dr. Feather. "I know, this is easier said than done, especially for someone with your particular traumas, but it can be done."

Swift frowned a little, but not in anger. He felt more lost than anything. The solution she'd pointed out seemed super obvious in retrospect, but the idea still sort of unnerved him. That idea made him feel sad, as though everyone in Equestria had received some sort of guide on how to interact with others, but he'd missed out. Now that he thought about it, he'd had that same feeling back on Earth.

"You've gone a little quiet," said Dr. Feather. "What are you thinking about?"

Swift decided not to censor himself. "Like you said, it's easy on paper, but when I actually try to go out and do it, I...freak out. I feel like the only pony in Equestria who's terrified at the prospect of making a friend. It doesn't help that I don't want them to know I'm a blank flank." He felt one eye beginning to water.

Dr. Feather gave him a sympathetic look. "Well, if it's any comfort, I believe in you," she promised.

Swift swallowed, beating back the tears. He knew there was no shame in crying in front of her, but he preferred not to. "I'll try," he managed to get out, after a minute of silence.

"Alright. I can't ask for any more than that. Anything else you want to talk about?"

Swift laid back down, looking up at the ceiling. "Well, do you remember those acquaintances I talked to you about in Ponyville?" Dr. Feather nodded. "You see, I sort of omitted something important. Those ponies...are the bearers of the Elements of Harmony. I didn't know all of them particularly well, but I did meet all of them."

Dr. Feather didn't seem perturbed by his confession. "Alright. Did you get mobbed by paparazzi when you were around them? I understand they've been focusing on Princess Twilight quite a bit recently, with her taking over the throne and everything."

"No, thankfully. I've been writing to them a little, recently, and a couple of days ago, Twilight herself came to visit me. And there were a ton of reporters around my apartment. She didn't say anything to them about me, so I don't think they figured out she was meeting me, but I still think it was kinda rude to show up, unannounced, and risk my name getting into the tabloids. I wasn't shy about telling her that, believe me. To her credit, she did apologize, at least."

"That does sound a little rude. Did she explain why she came without prior notice?"

"Yeah. She said that, since she's gonna be ruling all of Equestria pretty soon, she wanted to see me one more time while she could still go places without a constant guard. While I am kinda flattered by that, I still got annoyed with her, which she did seem to understand. It just bothers me that I set my boundaries, but she bypassed them."

"I think anypony would be frustrated by that. Still, at least she apologized to you. I wouldn't waste your energy dwelling on it and holding it against her, it'll just make you feel angrier."

The crimson pegasus sighed and rubbed his face. "You're right, I know. I can't even really stay mad at her, since she's not a bad pony. But I'm not making any promises if she does it again. Granted, that's unlikely."

"Fair enough," replied Dr. Feather. "What about the Cutie Mark search? Any progress on that front?"

"Not really," Swift admitted. "I've read a lot about Cutie Marks in the past few weeks, but I haven't really been trying to actually get one. There's just so much conflicting research on how ponies actually get one that study doesn't really help. I'm not sure if I need to nurture a talent I want a Cutie Mark in, or just do what I've been doing, and maybe it'll show up by itself one day." He looked up at Dr. Feather. "How'd you get yours, if you don't mind me asking?"

"It's no trouble," she answered. "When I was a filly, I used to volunteer to help the school nurse out from time to time. I spent a lot of days just comforting ponies who got hurt and were staying in the hospital wing, and one day it just showed up." She chuckled a little at the thought. "A lot of ponies suggested I go into surgery, but I remembered how much I loved that, and I decided to become a counselor instead."

Swift smiled. "Lucky," he quipped. "I just wish I knew what I was supposed to do with my life."

"Did you hear about the Cutie Mark Crusaders while you were in Ponyville? I hear they help a lot of ponies who are unsure about their Marks."

"I thought about visiting them," Swift admitted. "But from the stories I've heard, they mostly deal with ponies who already have their Marks, not blank flanks." He left out the fact that he wasn't comfortable revealing his biggest secret to three fillies.

"Well, in my opinion, the first thing you should do is focus on finding what you enjoy, then see what happens from there. You're not going to get a Cutie Mark just by doing nothing."

"I know," he answered with a sigh. "I read somewhere that most researchers believe Cutie Marks are an expression of a pony's soul, so if you don't really know yourself, you won't know what your Mark is gonna be. Kinda paradoxical, isn't it?"

"It sounds like you need to work on getting to know yourself and what you want out of this life," replied Dr. Feather. "We have a little time left, is there anything else you wanted to discuss?"

"One more thing, kinda in the same vein as our first topic. It's about my self-image. I just...I don't see how anypony would want to hang out with me, ever, once they know what I really am. I'm a boring pony, as much as I'm ashamed of it. The sad, unfair truth is that everyone needs to be interesting to be wanted. There's no place for a pony that doesn't do anything, a pony that doesn't even have a special talent. What's even the point of my life?"

Saying all of that in one go broke something internally. Swift covered his face with his hooves, allowing a few tears to leak out from between them. He'd been suppressing these emotions for weeks, and now that dam was ready to burst. He was ashamed of losing control like this in the middle of a session, but he physically couldn't stop himself.

Dr. Feather passed him a tissue, then spoke calmly. "Swift, I want you to answer me honestly. If you met someone like you, somepony with no hobbies, an uninteresting life, and no Cutie Mark, would you throw them aside like garbage?"

"Well...no," Swift admitted. "I don't wanna be cruel."

"Then why do you assume everyone else will do that to you?"

"...I don't know."

"I know, your emotions don't always make sense, but there are ways to work around that. You can be better than those doubting thoughts in your head. It's not your fault your sister basically brainwashed you into believing you have no value, and you can get past it."

Swift wiped away the tears on his cheek. "I just...I wish she hadn't done that. I wish I knew what it was like to be confident."

"You'll find that self-esteem. It'll just take time and effort, maybe some practice. I want you to see what steps you can take, and try coming up with a step-by-step plan so that, next time Thunder asks you to hang out, you don't succumb to your anxieties."

Part of Swift doubted that there would even be a next time, but he kept quiet.





Swift Wing dragged himself home after what he hoped was a productive session. In hindsight, he supposed he hadn't really learned anything new, just new ways of looking at things. That was pretty much how therapy was supposed to go, but sometimes he wished the counselors would be able to just give him the answers, something he was certain every patient wished at some point. Still, it was nice to have someone to talk to at all.

As he made it back to his apartment, he looked over by the mailbox and saw a familiar, gray pegasus mare with a blond mane filling up each one. He trotted over to her.  

"Hey, I'm in 217," he said, showing her his room key. "Can I just have my mail now?"

"Sure thing!" replied the mare, reaching into her bag. "Let me see, 216...no, that's 318...here we go!" She handed him a couple of letters.

"Thanks," said Swift, trying not to stare at her mismatched eyes. "Thanks for serving us, miss...?" After all the debate on the internet back home, he couldn't stop himself from being curious as to what her real name was.

"Hooves. Derpy Hooves," she answered with a smile. She shook his hoof, then went back to sorting the mail.

Swift briefly wondered if she'd been born with that name, or if she'd changed it, but decided it would be rude to ask. He simply took the letters he'd been given, and trotted back up to his room. He flipped through them, discarding the ones that were just coupons he would never use (some things really did never change, no matter what dimension you were in). Eventually, he came upon a letter inscribed with Twilight's familiar signature.  

"Wow, that was quick," he remarked to himself, tearing the envelope open.

Dear Swift Wing,

	Thank you for your concerns regarding my ascension to the throne of Equestria. I admit, I have been quite stressed about the prospect, though not as much as I was before Sombra's attack. Also, thank you for the encouragement. Though if I'd known my years of friendship lessons were designed to prepare me for something as intense as this, I might've spent more time reading up on economics and the like.

	Now, as for your problem, I want to say that I understand, but that would be lying. As you probably know, I turned down a lot of invitations back when I was Celestia's student, but not out of social anxiety or anything like that. It was more that I had no interest in making friends. So, while I empathize, I can't say I know exactly what you're going through. I hope your counselor can help you with a bit more insight on that front.

	If you want me to be completely honest, from what I know about you, you're not a boring pony. You were able to spend time with me and my friend group, and nopony thought you were awkward or weird. You care about helping others, and you do have quite a life story. Of course, I'm not saying you should reveal your true nature to anyone, because I think that's not what you want. You never directly lied to us, so I believe you can tell others about your life while being vague enough that they won't catch on.

	Also, your letter was pretty timely. Rainbow Dash wanted to be the next one to come visit you, but she was concerned that you might still harbor negative feelings towards her after what she said to you, back when we'd just found out who you were. I told her you probably wouldn't, but she wanted me to make sure I got the truth from you. I also wanted to know if you'd be comfortable with me sharing the contents of your last letter with the others. You sort of implied that you were, but I didn't want to assume anything. Please respond as soon as you can.

	Thank you,

	Princess Twilight Sparkle

Swift read through the letter again, finding nothing he hadn't expected, with the exception of the Rainbow Dash thing. He supposed, after the flying lessons they had together, she probably wanted to apologize for being so quick to judge him. At least he hoped that was the reason.

Was he okay with Twilight showing the letter to the others? He had meant to write that he was, hadn't he? There were none of them he didn't trust, so he could see no argument against doing so. Meeting with Rainbow again after so long would be pretty awkward, though, especially after the thing with her parents. What else did he have to lose, though?

Grabbing a piece of paper, Swift scribbled down his response, stuffed it in an envelope, and stamped it. He planned to get it to the post-office as soon as he got something to eat. After Twilight's prompt response, taking a long time to get back would've felt rude.