//------------------------------// // The Power of Friendship // Story: We Don't Belong Here! // by Dark Krystal //------------------------------// Sup, Names Baxin, writing in my future autobiography journal from now. First and only human. Assassin for hire. How’d I, a previous hitman from earth, end in a land filled with wack-ass talking creatures? Fuck if I know. All I know is this world has medieval nobles and a political system that is ripe for harvesting cash from these scumbags! Hahahaha! I bank on these suckers, turns out being a human here has a lot of advantages.. And disadvantages. Let me give ya an example, cause I’m the only human around these lands and don’t have claws. It makes cases of strangulation harder for them to figure out who dun’ it.  However these creature do have mother natures fuckin’ bullshit gifts, horns, claws, sharp teeth, muscle mass, speed, and bleh. Shit makes me have to work out weeks in advance before a job just to get in top shape in case shit goes down. Worth it though, I get payed fucking insane amounts of dough! Enough to get my own little pilot of land in the woods with a cabin with a nice river nearby for fishing and bathing! I’m living the good life! killing animals for… pretty much sport! And it’s only getting better too! I recently received a fifteen million bit contract, let me repeat that for ya. Fifteen . Million. Bits. I’m going to be fucking LOADED after this job! Goddamn! However when I looked at the target I did see why this was my biggest paycheck today. I was tasked with killing Equestra’s newest princess, Twilight Sparkle, Princess of fucking friendship. How cheery. At first I thought this was going to be pretty easy.. Until I got more info from my informants. Apparently she is the youngest child from a noble family, her big brother Shining Armor is… Princess Cadence’s fucking husband. Okaaaay… right? Nope there's fucking more! She is Princess Celestia’s fucking personal student, she is a the student of a benign that control that ball that makes me want to die when it’s summer. Guess what though… THERE IS MORE. She is apparently the leader of the “Elements of Harmony” which is a group of six ponies with powerful artifacts that have defeated an alicorn called “Nightmare Moon” , Discord a Lord of Chaos,  King Sombra who i don’t know who he is but I assume he’s pretty strong and Tirek a magic eating demon horse..thing. …………If i get fucking caught after killing her my life is fucking OVER! Donezo! Erased! If I leave any clues behind that could lead to my identity I will be hunted for the rest of my life! This job will absolutely fuck me if I fail! But that cash tho. I accepted this shit with the confidence of a god! If I succeed not only will I be set for years but also I can proudly call myself a “legendary assassin” and with a title like that I can do wonders! Maybe train pupils to be legendary like me when I get older, start an assassin guild! Worm my way into a high position or in the pockets of a noble. With a title like that I can have so much influence and power in the political world that noblity  will literally do bid wars just to officially fucking hire me! I’m gonna start working out and scouting out the area she resides in for now. Next time I write it’ll be after the job is done. I can’t wait to read the news and get those bits.  5/22/1014 Baxin back again… So I um… did the job. It was… really fucking easy. She has like.. No guards, her castle is so out of place in some town miles away from Canterlot, the only occupant in the castle is Twilight and her kid dragon, who has dull claws and short range green flames. Otherwise that's.. All the security she has, the rest of the elements live in different housings that are quite the distances away from each other. So after observing her routine aka, wake up, breakfast, study, hang out with elements, solve issues, fuck off, study, bathing, dinner, sleep. Pretty simple for a “Princess of Friendship” no meetings every hour or a throne room with guards constantly watching. So I went in for the kill the next day, starting with Breakfast. I snuck in and put one hundred doses of “I read it’s poisonous so I dumped it in a mixture and made it into a liquid somehow” my specialty mind you, into her dragon made coffee. She drank that shit with no hesitation and I watched with glee… only for it to vanish as she did die no instantly… or in the next two minutes. Instead what happened was the rumblings of a volcano about to erupt in her stomach. That shit was LOUD, it made the dragon jump and drop his own mug of coffee on the floor. Kahahahahahha! But she didn’t die instead she rand to the bathroom where I sneakily followed only to hear… what I can only deem as “The splashes from the Swamps of Dagobrah” that shit sounded brutal. I felt my ass clench when I heard the sounds she was making in there. For the first time in my life I felt… pity for someone else… until the smell started leaking from under the door and I fucking bolted out of there and vomit in a trash can. Rest in Peace my morning cinnamon buns. Anyway she survived my first attempt and I had to turn in for the day just because she was on that toilet for fucking hours. Tomorrow Imma try again, let that… smell air out for a while.  5/23/1014 Baxin here…again I’m not gonna lie. This is actually harder than I thought, and by harder I mean getting her to FUCKING DIE, entering the castle is as easy as breathing air but getting her actually die is like trying to find a dagger in a pile of straw! Let me explain. I went back to the castle very early in the morning with a clear Idea that poisons won’t work on alicorns now so I went with physical harm. After all I heard that Celestia was beaten once and Twilight couldn’t have fought Tirek without a bruise or two if he really does get stronger by eating magic. I went with my classic execution style this run, the staircase banana. Placing a banana right before the top of a staircase makes unsuspecting fools tumble down the stairs, breaking necks, backs, limbs, whatever can be broken to be broken. Though she’s an alicorn so I had to do a little extra, I looked around the castle and found a empty decorative vase, a quick thirty minute trip to Everfree to get intact poison joke with the soil i planted it in the vase and placed the vase at the bottom of the stairs. Poison jokes don't harm the individual… but it does disable them in a very funny manner. I love that this town is placed by Everfree, such a useful forest! Back to the tale I waited around the corner, ready to jump out the castle window incase  if the damn Dragon changes his route when he wakes up. I waited till the period of sunrise and spotted the Princess walking around the corner and towards the stairs. As said, the staircase banana is a truly flawless killing technique. She crumpled upon meeting the banana and screamed like a banshee. I watched with glee as she tumbled down the stairs, hitting her face against a step, back arching over a step, a bounce making her slam into the side wall, it was glorious. After her great fall she faceplanted the vase, shattering it and letting the plant smoosh against her purple face.  She didn’t move for a while, I was close to walking out to check her plus when she stood up with her now wobbly horn, and wobbly wings that swung like noodles on every turn. She had a few scratches on her but no cuts or impalement from the vase. Her vocal cords were in good shape as she proceeded to yell out the dragon's name and slowly walk up the stairs with a limp, so some injury was made.  I followed along just to watch the dragon be framed for my trap, I don’t think the dragon could take her seriously when every time she moved almost everything wobbled.  I watched her for the next two hours to see how long the limp lasted, approximately thirty minutes. So she passively heals or just simply adapts to the pain like we humans do when he bumps our leg against the corner of a table. The dragon was punished by cleaning the staircase for a couple of hours and the vase. I decided to leave it there for the day. So far she shows  fatal immunity to venom,  but not poison.  She can get bruises and scratches on the surface but those fade away in time, either heals naturally or can just quickly adapt to pain.  So in short she’s built different, tougher than normal ponies as expected. So I’m going to have to use on hand means, blades, my crossbow, or just suffocate her. I didn’t want to make this bloody so I’ll use my special hands tomorrow. 5/24/1014 Baxin here and I have to say, Alicorns are fucking weird. So I mentioned I’m going to use my hands yesterday, right? Well I did today. I waited till night this time, and  waited for her to sleep. I snuck over by her small bedside and put on my gloves. I wrapped my hands around her little fuzzy throat and started applying pressure and… holy FUCK it was hard! It was like… trying to squeeze a watermelon with your hands!  I kept trying to choke her but Christ her muscles are fucking tough! In fact I think she was enjoying it in her sleep! She had a small smile on her face and moved every once in a while  just so I could choke her at a different angle! Oh yeah let me remind you that I am in my PRIME condition! I can literally pick up three fucking tree logs over my shoulder! I once killed and pick up a fat ass fucking yak with ease! I could not close her airway with my raw strength! So I gave up. I decided to just lodge something in her throat, so I needed her in deep, deep sleep so I could open her mouth and put something in it. So I was going to reach in my bag and pull out a lavender scent candle… when she wrapped her forelegs around one of my arms.  Normally it’s not a big deal, I’ve had victims do this to me multiple times… HOWEVER  I should’ve at the time realize that when you have a lot of muscle that cant even be forced to close then imagine the raw strength you have, I experienced that. Her strange grip was so strong that when I tried to pull away I nearly dislocated my fucking shoulder! It felt like My arm was trapped under fucking steel logs! No matter what, I could not escape her small grasp but oh let me tell you… that wasn’t the worst part! No, no , no! Because I kept struggling, apparently she got annoyed in her sleep and pulled my arm closer to her, or I should say... Yanked it. She pulled me on top of her and proceeded to wrap all hour of her limbs around my like some sort of fucking spider and nuzzle her face against my chest. I was fucking terrified of waking her so I “Cuddled” her for a couple hours until finally she turned in her sleep and released me. I didn’t even have the will to proceed in putting something down her throat. I fucking left for the day. So I’m adding that to the notes. Dense muscle mass despite looks Really fucking strong Fur is really soft like a cats She talks alot in her sleep She is very touchy in her sleep She smells nice Tomorrow I’m going for blades, 5/25/1014 God fucking DAMNIT  No fucking wonder this contract pay is fucking absurd! This bitch is immortal! I mean in age type and fucking body type! Let me tell you how I came to this conclusion! So I  woke up early in the morning one again to enter the castle and plant numerous traps. From a malfunctioning toaster that once touched will send electricity through the target.  Next, a tripwire that would make one of the castle Chandeliers fall onto the victim and impale them through the sharped underside of its core, if they move the ladder for the library A bowling ball will slide forward and land directly on the victim. There's more! I placed the banana trap again on the stairs, but this time with a vase filled with burning on contact acid, I trapped a door so that trying to close it would launch it it forward that either crushes your head between the door frame and the door or it hits your face so hard that it breaks your skull on impact. Last trap as is the bathroom cabinets, made it so when you open them a knife shoots out, simple, dirty, easy to get rid of and frame as suicide if it hits a foreleg or neck. Now that I told you about my setup, let me tell you how SHE SURVIVED EACH ONE! First the banana, she woke up as usual and easily slipped on the banana again, it was funny, she landed on the vase with her stomach, the acid didn’t even fucking burn her skin! IT BURN HER FUR OFF THE SKIN! So she had a pink belly exposing her uncovered skin. She realized this when she saw a mass of lavender fur all over the ground and air pressing against her skin. Of course she yelled at the dragon again and framed him for this. He tried to argue back but her rage overwhelmed the poor dragon. Next, was the toaster, after her yelling she grabbed some slices of bread and put them in the toaster. When she touched the lever the electricity sprung forth and I watched her fur and mane puff up and listened to her screams of pain.  I was so fucking sure this killed her because she laid limp on the floor for three minutes when it was over but nope! She got back over slowly and let out a pissed of groan and yelled at the dragon that the toaster was broken. She begrudgingly ate her toast after that with some coffee.  After that she headed to the library and triggered the tripwire trap, she didn’t even notice when she broke the string and the sound of chandelier chain snapping. The chandelier fell but I guess the incoming shadow caught her attention because she looked up and I saw fear… for  four seconds before she formed a barrier spell around herself that made the chandelier break on trying to challenge it. She stood there for a bit trying to calm herself from her near death experience, I think? After that she yelled at the dragon again telling him the chandelier broke, I felt bad for the dragon at this point. Next was the library, she searched for a book, grumbling to herself about how bad this day was.  Unable to find  the book on the lower levels she flew up to  look at the upper levels which… I forgot she could fly. Luck was on my side this time as she bumped against the ladder, the bowling ball fell and hit her directly on the noggin. YET no blood, no knock down, NOTHING, just a yelp of pain and a grasp at the top of her head as a comical bump formed at the top. She whimpered and rushed to get an ice pack in the kitchen. Then yell at the dragon again, about leaving bowling balls. I was ruining both of their days. The door was next, it happened in the afternoon, she went to the door to grab something from inside but wondered why the door was open in the first place. She inspected it and pulled it with her magic to see if the door was messed up and the dragon didn’t tell her, of course she set off the trap and it slammed on her…. Yet because of her muscle build the door swung and broke right through her. Making a Twilight sized hole right in it, she flinched but didn’t even show any signs of pain. She groaned and yelled at the dragon again. I was feeling so fucking demotivated at this point.. Like you cannot imagine the despair I was feeling just watching every trap that has killed others in the past work on her but also fail. The last trap triggered at night, after bathing she checked the lower cabinets and the knife flung out… and much to my SURPRISE it grazed her. It missed due to her reaction, but it did cut her! She bled out.. Only a bit and freaked out over the bleeding but… she healed it within 10 seconds after calming down with her magic. I think it was probably here that something clicked in her mind that someone placed traps in her castle, cause she freaked out and dashed to the dragon. I don’t know what they said because I was tired from watching her all day. I retreated for now… demotivated kinda but some hope does exist. You see, the knife probably wouldn’t  land fatally deep in her  if she didn’t react, not with those muscles anyway. It was designed to cause bleed out more than anything, design to cut a artery and be a slow bleed out. So in order to kill her… I need something that can launch things at high speeds, be designed to kill rather than bleed out, and sharp enough to pierce her muscles. AKA my fucking crossbow, there is no good angles inside the damn castle for a crossbow unless I just lay in the hallway and wait for her to walk around the corner and snipe her. I didn’t want to do this but.. If I’m going to use the crossbow I gotta do it outdoors. I think the clock tower would be a good spot to shoot from, gotta practice my aim in the morning before I head out. I hope this puts a end to this, If this doesn’t do her in then i’m about to spend a month researching magic and using funds to fucking find something mystical to kill her.  5/26/1014 I….I…. I FUCKING DID IT! THAT'S RIGHT, I BRAXIN, KILLED TWILIGHT SPARKLE. AHAHAHAHAHH! Alright I’m calm now.  So Like I said yesterday I took up my trusty crossbow with an enchanted gem arrowhead bolt and positioned myself up at town’s clock tower. I waited there for hours, watching the town's main street. Eventually she showed up, walking with the  dragon and the white unicorn element of… something. I had her in my sights but decided to wait on it. That chance that she could react to it still existed, so I waited until they went into a cafe and ate on the tables outdoors. Distracted, Check. Incoming panic to secure my escape, check. Perfect distance and angle? Hell yeah , checked. With my checklist done I fired my shot and.. It. Was. Glorious.  Mid chomp the air pierced her chest with  such an impact that it knocked her out of her seat. After that her eyes were wide and her body still for a long while. An instant death. I held my breath as I suspected the surrounding ponies did as well when they all turned to stare at their princess on the ground with an arrow embedded in their chest. Then it turned to chaos. Ponies screamed, ran around, fainted and quickly started spreading the news that Twilight died while the dragon and white unicorn ran over to check on twilight. The white unicorn looked at the bolt and fainted pretty fast, leaving the dragon to fend for himself. Poor guy. Anyway I used the chaos to  slip away from the tower unnoticed and finally freed from this job. Legendary status, here I come! Baxin, out. 5/27/1014 I checked the news today. She lived. I’m going to drink tonight. 5/28/1014 Baxin here. So.. To continue off of yesterday, Twilight Sparkle lived. Apparently the arrow did hit her,  but missed her heart. That limp, wide eye stare she had? That was her dealing with the sudden instantaneous pain that I inflicted on her. She apparently pulled the arrow out and healed. Which led to my current predicament. She knows someone is out to kill her now. So does… every connection I mentioned before. Princess Celestia, Luna, Cadence, Shining armor ,and the elements of harmony. I checked on the castle and it is SWARMED with a royal guard. In fact the town was swarmed with them. Patrolling streets, watching the roofs, alleyways. They were absolute in making sure that I had no hiding spots, thank the gods for telescopes. Her route hasn’t changed but now she is accompanied by her friends and a group of elite guards that follow behind her at a distance.  I’m… I’m so demotivated, I recently asked myself is this even worth it? Can I even kill her in the first place? Sure I can defeat her but kill her? I don’t know… I’m going to give it one last try, I’m throwing everything I got at her and if it fails… I’m dumping this contract. One last run. Please die Twilight, for my sake. 5/29/1014 Failure.  I should’ve known it would’ve failed. I snuck in early in the morning, trying venoms once again. She vomited and guards swarmed to check every content, found I placed everything, next she hit a trap and shot a knife that she caught. The guards swarmed and found every trap.. Not without injury mind you.  They’re not smart enough to disarm traps yet. I shot her again, she bubbled. Guards swarmed the spot after I snuck through… Yeah I got fed up with her shit. So when she went inside a tea store with the yellow pegasus I shot a bolt with an explosive tip at the end.  Judging from how the building went boom and I saw the princess had bubbled herself and the seller..  She had enough reaction time. I booked it out of there and returned home. I’m fucking done with this. She is too alert now and too much security on her. Maybe I’ll go back to it.. After all, the contract doesn’t have a due date. I’ll lay low for a while.. Drown in my annoyance at this contract, maybe go after others just so I can feel better about myself. Baxin Out 5/30/1014   I think I fucked up. Left a clue. I noticed hoof marks around my area this morning. No pony ever comes around here, I think it's the guard. Probably scouting the area to plan a breach, goddamnit. I really liked my cabin too… I have to get my things quickly and lea I just heard a knock right now, I just heard Twilight's Sparkles voice, telling me to answer the door. Shit, I just looked outside and saw Celestia and Luna outside with numerous guards. I think I’m fucked. She teleported inside, most likely my living room. I hear her moving against my wooden floor. My guess is she wants to see her assassin or negotiate for my custody. If I hurt her then I’m getting swarmed. I hear her climbing up the stairs. I guess this is the end. Baxin, the human assassin for hire. Farewell 5/31/1014