Why Do You Speak My Language?!

by Soaring


Rickcovery 1 - Struggling With Magical Angst And Angst

Waking up to the sounds of excited neighing never felt so satisfying to my eardrums. I had drifted off to sleep and was never brought back to life by a wandering medical professional. I guess Twilight must’ve felt that I needed my beauty sleep as she too did not come back yesterday. So, it seemed that today was the day she and her friends would return, the only time that there would be spice in my time here. Being sentenced to be a bedridden NEET for the rest of my stay only exacerbated my angst, but those instances of normality sated it heartily. Not to mention that my stay wasn’t going to get extended, so I only had to expect two full days of stay. This morning was going to be great with them around.

Sorry, did I say great?

“Good morning, Rick!” chirped Nurse Redheart as she buss’d my door to my room wide open. In her possession was a cart full of food that filled my nostrils with glee. Was this all for me?!

“Solids already?” I asked, my mouth watering at the sight of the warm steamy goodness.

To my surprise, she shook her head and then stopped halfway. “Partially. I actually have your plate right here. Eat up!”

Slid in front of my own two eyes was a small lump of slop. And what I mean by slop is Jello. Green, gooey, unmoving Jello. I tried poking it to make sure it was just Jello and I wasn’t seeing a magical mirage, after all, I am in a fantasy world full of talking horses. The poke was nothing but spectacular, a small poke that you do when you want to poke an alligator awake to see if it’s still alive.

Fuck. It is Jello.

I sighed and groaned as my stomach growled ferociously. The snarl of seeing all the good food, but the pain of having to eat this shit. Well, beggars can't be choosers.

Spooning a plentiful spoon full of mush, I guided the sin against food into my mouth. The texture of rubber slid down my throat with what little flavor (I think it was lime) soiled my tastebuds. I grimaced, swallowing it further down my gullet and gave the nurse a cross between a thumbs-up, and a middle finger. Actually scratch that, it was just a middle finger. Lying to her would be an even bigger sin.

Her reaction was priceless:

“Glad you like it, Rick!” Redheart smiled unabashedly, those cheeks of her blossoming forth with a slight crinkle. A slight blush tinted them too, not sure why. I assume she thought I was gesturing to her as a sign of happiness, like I would totally enjoy my mouth getting motorboated by a car tire.

Not wanting to totally shatter Redheart’s expectations, I gave the mare a pathetic, yet totally buyable nod. The curt bob of my head made the mare squee, a sound I was not expecting from her at all.

“I’ll let the chef know you enjoyed it,” she added with a customary bright smile. She then turned and grabbed a hold of her cart with her forehooves, and wheeled it gently out of the way. “Now that breakfast’s out of the way… I brought you some company!”

It was at this moment I saw Twilight take the helm. She ducked into the doorway before she walked in with Starlight and Spike in tow. Horny looked way better than she did yesterday, which definitely made me happy for her. Looking like a trainwreck wasn’t appealing in the slightest. Her crown was back to looking like it was glued on her head, her eyes weren’t puffy, and her hair wasn’t disheveled! However, her wings for some reason looked more purple. And there was more than one ring on her horn.

Neat.

Starlight and Spike on the other hand looked normal. Starlight had her own little shindig going on, her mane combed a bit more than usual. She looked well rested enough to appear like she was floating, however, once again, a silver ring graced her horn. Oh, and she had the grin of someone excited to see their pet dog. While Starlight looked graceful, Spike just… existed. He looked like he spent long hours reading a book about serial killers and lost about five hours off his lifespan. He did, however, still look vibrant, just not on his face: droopy eyelids, slight bloodshot eyes, and a permanent marker known as a furrowed brow; the tell-tale signs of an all-nighter by choice.

Cool. Spike either sniffed highlighters (went to college), or ate glue (addicted to reading comic books).

I turned my attention to Redheart, who had shuffled even further away from me to let my visitors in. How nice of her. “Thanks, Redheart. For bringing them in… and the food, I guess.”

“You’re welcome again, Rick. I’ll leave you four alone. If anything goes awry, do not hesitate to press that buzzer on your left.”

She had pointed her hoof to me, which made me look to my left, and lo and behold, there was a buzzer there. It was small, yet tucked in the corner behind my head. I was pretty close to it, so it sort of alarmed me that it was even there in the first place. I could’ve rolled right into that thing in my sleep! Who puts a buzzer right here?!

“Why is this buzzer head level?”

“Ease of access,” Redheart began, only to give the four a sheepish smile. “And a design flaw. Mixture of the two.”

“At least you admit it,” I replied, scratching my head at this terrible design choice. “And I hope this doesn’t cause anything else other than just notifying you that I need help.”

“Well, we can have it shock you if you’re feeling frisky, but we’ll have to upcharge you an extra ten thousand bits in case it causes you any internal bleeding.”

I felt my throat fall out of my ass. “What.”

Twilight also tilted her head. “Wasn’t it only a thousand bits a couple weeks ago?”

Redheart shook her head. “That was two months ago. The price was due to some pony treating our clinic as a way to shock himself into submission. We removed all those pesky buttons to avoid any and all lawsuits, but I guess this one in your infirmary is the last remaining torture device, Princess Twilight.”

“Wait, why haven’t you removed it yet, Twilight? I could’ve rolled onto it and killed myself!”

Princess Twilight, with a crown on her head, with a smirk gracing her purple cheeks, and a confident puffing out of her chest, the powerhouse proclaimed, “Capitalism.”

“Nevermind. Anyway, I’ll pass on shocking myself to death, and I hope you remove the button so you avoid a lawsuit, Twilight.”

Twilight’s eyes widened. “Uh, Rick, what did you hear just now?”

“That the button next to my head is going to kill me if I roll into it, and that you kept the button in the name of Capitalism. Why?”

Redheart’s eyes also widened. “I’m going to head out. I’ll notify the doctor, Twilight. Maybe I expelled too much magic when I was in the room?”

“No, it’s probably just residual magic from the surgery or something…”

Redheart rubbed her chin with her forehoof. “You’re probably right, but I don’t want to fallback on a hunch. I’ll still report this to the doctor to let him know Rick reacted to me most likely, since you all have your rings on.” A frown graced the white mare’s muzzle. “Looks like another lengthy report is in my future.”

“Good luck,” Twilight said with a slight chuckle. “Try not to go overboard.”

“Ironic,” Spike replied, which earned a chuckle-snort from Starlight, and a glare of despair from Twilight.

“I won’t,” Redheart replied with a weak smile. She then left the room, mumbling, “💣︎♋︎⍓︎♌︎♏︎ ✋︎ ■︎♏︎♏︎♎︎ ♋︎ ❒︎♓︎■︎♑︎ □︎■︎ ❍︎⍓︎ ♒︎□︎□︎♐︎ □︎❒︎ ⬧︎□︎❍︎♏︎⧫︎♒︎♓︎■︎♑︎…”

I blinked. Okay so I heard that part even though she mumbled it like a mumble rapper. And to make matters worse, it’s like someone took her happiness and soaked it in battery acid.  

The room was silent for a bit, save for a ticking noise that didn’t sound like it was coming from the machine. I cleared my throat to fill the air with something other than that.  “Hey guys. Glad you could make it.”

The trio made their way over to my bedside. “We’re glad to be here,” Twilight replied, placing her forehoof on the edge of the bed.

“Yeah, it’s good to see you awake finally,” Spike added with a smile. 

“Guys, you really think I would let magic kick my ass?”

Starlight stood on her hind hooves to get a better view of me. “If you did, I would have annoyed you forever in the afterlife.”

“Good,” I replied with a smirk. “You would just annoy yourself by trying to annoy me.”

“Your hoofball team sucks.”

I attempted to wave my hands at her, which definitely didn’t make the machine next to me angry. “Aright, nevermind. Point taken.”

The three laughed at Starlight and I’s ribbing. I can’t believe what Starlight said about my team! I mean, really? I know they suck but you don’t have to then, by saying that, implant the image of them losing another season that they could have had if they had proper coaching! Unfortunately for me, that would easily be reality, because my team had a history of it! I didn’t have to imagine it as a flash of recollection graced my brain, and when I mean graced, I mean it gave me a painful jab of nicotine and disappointment as the opposing team scored nearly eighty points on my team.

I frowned. “Okay, now I have PTSD. Thanks for triggering it.”

“Any time, Rick. Any time,” Starlight cooed, patting my head gently with her forehoof before Spike hopped on her back to get a better view of me.

“Hey Spike,” I said, holding my hand out in a fist.

The dragon fistbumped me. “Hey, Rick. Feeling better today?”

“Other than remembering my team lost the day before I got shot into this place and the fact that Nurse Redheart might be scarred for a week over whatever she said? Yeah. Thankfully you guys are here to make my day about… five percent better.”

“Only five percent? Bet you it’s way higher than that, Rick,” Twilight interjected. “And judging by your lack of willpower to finish your Jello, I’d say us being here makes your day at least twenty-five point nine nine eight five percent better.”

I and the rest of the normal folk in the room gave Twilight a stink eye. She just threw her hooves up in the air and tilted her head. “What? I rounded up. There were about sixty more decimal places but I didn’t want to waste time by saying each one.”

“You could’ve just said thirty and—” I stopped and facepalmed. “You know what, nevermind. Point being is yeah, you’re probably right. This jello tastes awful.”

Twilight was just about to use her horn when she stopped herself, grimacing as she did. The rings around her horn shut down her purple glow around her horn, fizzling out any magic she had given off. “Sorry, forgot for a second. Here, let me take that from you.”

I placed the plate in her outstretched forehooves, which she took and placed on a table next to my side—wait when did that get there?

“You didn’t know that was there?” Starlight asked with a raised brow.

I shifted on the table. “Well, I can’t really see anything to my right other than that machine the doc and nurse set up there.”

“You mean the ✋︎■︎♐︎□︎❒︎❍︎♋︎⧫︎♓︎□︎■︎☝︎♏︎⧫︎💣︎♋︎♍︎♒︎♓︎■︎♏︎📫︎🗏︎📁︎📁︎📁︎?”

“Sorry, you spoke heresy. What was that?”

Starlight rolled her eyes. “It’s a machine that provides valuable information on a patient—”

“Yes, I know what it does, but I can’t read any of it. It’s like someone played a drunk game of Pictionary and everyone lost.”

“We really need to teach you so you can understand our language better,” Twilight said. She pulled out a pencil from her saddlebag and gripped it in her maw. “Otherwisse you’ll be shpeaking ruedely about uhs every time you hear uhs shay sohmeshing.”

Spike pointed a claw at Twilight. “Don’t speak with your mouth full of lead, Twilight.”

“That’s a choking hazard if I’ve ever seen one,” Starlight added, nodding her head.

Twilight held a hoof up as she scribbled whatever she was scribbling on a piece of paper she found. She then spit out the pencil, a little bit of salvia drooping from the side of it. It click-clacked onto the table, the same one that Starlight had set the tire flavored slop on. Twilight then folded the paper into her saddlebag before she turned around and said, “Otherwise you’ll be speaking rudely about us, Rick.”

“Glad I could hear that without you sounding like you’re drowning.”

“Guilty,” Twilight said with a bow. “I’ve done it once before.”

“Drowning or sounding like you’re drowning?”

“Yes.”

I blinked, and then blinked again. “What.”

“Anyway,” Starlight said, clearing her throat. She clopped her forehooves together while giving everyone a rather awkward smile. “You like our rings?”

I raised a brow at that. “Well, other than they look nice, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be impressed with.”

The three looked at each other. “They’re to make sure we don’t give off too much magic.”

“I gathered that much from Luna. I’m just… confused as to how they work.”

Starlight took a deep breath. “When someone has a ring around their horn, it usually nullifies the magic as the properties of the ring suppresses any magic being used to the point of using little to no magic energy. Some can cast a spell, but it’s going to give them a massive headache. So, when we’re around you, we can’t do anything magic related.”

“So that’s why Twilight nearly got lead poisoning.”

“Yes,” Starlight said with a giggle, much to Twilight’s chagrin, if her wings being slightly up and twitching had anything to say about it. Starlight coughed. “She cannot use her magic around you, so she resorted the old fashioned way: getting splinters in her mouth and gnawing on lead. Also I think she also forgot her hoof grip that she uses, which would have helped her avoid eating lead entirely and—”

“Yes, I did forget it,” Twilight growled through her teeth. She folded her wings to her sides and sighed. “I left it on the kitchen table before we left.”

“I mean, you could’ve gone back and gotten it—”

I was interrupted by Starlight, who smirked at me as she spoke, “Twilight and waiting are basically antonyms. That would never happen.”

Twilight rolled her eyes, while Spike shouted ‘Truuuuue’ like a teenager. 

Spike laughed at Twilight’s suffering. However, I noticed something odd about Spike. Unlike Starlight and Twilight, he had a ring around his neck. It was gold and quite shiny compared to the ponies' small silver ones.

“Sorry to break the ribbing of Twilight, but why do you have a ring around your neck, Spike?”

Spike sighed. “I also give off magic. However, it only really gets used when a certain someone either sends a letter or I receive a letter by magically burping it out.”

“Oh,” I said, my gaze downcast. So his stomach is where all the magic is housed. “So you just put it around your neck because of that?”

“I know it looks goofy and uncomfortable, but trust me, this was the only way. Either that or I had to get a suppository that would temporarily suppress my magic. I definitely am not a fan of those pills, so I chose the ring.”

“Wise choice,” Starlight said, gagging. “Gross.”

I nearly threw up in my own mouth when I heard that. Well, guess lugging around that gold ring on his neck meant it was more like a necklace. Bling-bling, I suppose.

“So how long do the rings usually nullify your magic?”

“These rings can hold up to about eight hours of magic activity,” Twilight answered confidently. She gave a short smile. “Unfortunately for me, I have to wear two of these for the same effect, as I forgot to release my alicorn version of the ring.”

“Alicorn version?”

“Different rings have different capabilities. For Twilight, since she’s basically one of the best magic users in all of Equestria, she has to wear two unless she has her custom ring.”

“Cool,” I said lamely. It was cool, I was just suddenly feeling tired. “Hopefully you remind her to drain her ring.”

“Yeah, I will,” Starlight replied. “She needs me around to remind her of a lot of things.”

“Running a country will do that to just about anyone,” Twilight added. “But regardless, I think we should get going for right now. Hopefully later today they can tell you if you can leave tomorrow.”

“Why’s that?”

“Sooner you’re out, the sooner you can eat actual food.”

“Right,” I said, remembering the jello still on the table. “You’re going to take your slobbered pencil right?”

Spike hopped off Starlight’s back and hopped up to take the pencil. “Got it. And yeah, Twilight, you really did a number to this thing. Yuck.”

Twilight rolled her eyes twice over. “Well, we will see you around. Going to have these accompany me on some errands that we need to take care of for your return.”

“For my return?” I asked with a raised brow.

“Well we still need to figure out how to get you home while minimizing the risk of hurting you with our magic,” Twilight said, licking her lips before she continued, “Not to mention we need to teach you some of our language. Maybe you can actually learn the written and spoken forms. Maybe you can also teach us some of your written language?”

I shrugged. “I guess I could teach you mine. It’s not as interesting as yours though.”

“Pfft, no way that’s true,” Starlight replied, waving her hoof at me nonchalantly. “I bet with what you teach us we can maybe blend the two together!”

I nearly lost my mind when she said that, my hands clasping the sides of my head in horror. “That would be akin to nuking Equestria and I’m not fond of that idea.”

“Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”

Oh no, she said the words. The phrase. The jinx. The terror. Now Equestria is going to get nuked because of freedom. I warned her about this.

“Well, I just gave you an idea, but now you just jinxed it. Looks like I’m going to die here.”

“No way we’re going to let that happen to you, Rick,” Twilight said. 

“Yeah, that’s not going to happen,” Spike agreed. “You survived nearly exploding into a million pieces by our magic. What’s a worse fate than that?”

I frowned. “I don’t want to give you ideas. They’ll most likely happen, knowing my luck with my life as a turbo virgin.”

“Don’t worry,” Starlight cooed, tapping me on the shoulder again before stepping away from the bed. “You’ll get ♋︎♌︎⬧︎□︎●︎◆︎⧫︎♏︎●︎⍓︎ ♎︎□︎❍︎♓︎■︎♋︎⧫︎♏︎♎︎ ♓︎■︎ ♌︎♏︎♎︎ eventually!”

Suddenly, two hooves covered Spike’s poor virgin ears. “Starlight!”

“Sorry,” Starlight apologized with a frown on her muzzle. “Forgot Spike was here.”

“Wait, what did she say?” I asked.

Twilight blushed a thousand shades of red. “She… s-she…”

“I said that you would get laid eventually.”

“Well of course,” I said, shrugging. I let out a confident hum before I continued, “It’s inevitable. The question is will I be stuck with this pain when I’m forty, or will my basement dwelling flash flood to force me out of hiding?”

“I…” Twilight began, only to let her voice drift away, much like my— 

Spike used this opportunity of Twilight’s shock to push back against her, making the alicorn relinquish her grip around the poor dragon’s ears. With her out of the way, he made his point clear: “Twilight, I’m not a hatchling anymore. I’m way older than that. Plus, your hooves didn’t ‘save’ me from that one, Twilight. The only thing you possibly gave me was hearing loss.”

Twilight groaned. “Great, when we get home, I guess I have to explain to you the birds and the bees.”

“What?” Starlight said with a tilt of her head. “Didn’t you hear him? Spike most likely knows about what you’re referring to. Besides, even if he didn’t, I told him about sex last year. Even gave him some reference material because he was curious about what an ‘Angry Dragon’ was. I think he’s more than capable of understanding jokes like that.”

Twilight’s eyes nearly rolled out of her head as she nearly sucked out all the oxygen in the room again. “💧︎❄︎✌︎☼︎☹︎✋︎☝︎☟︎❄︎ 🕈︎☟︎✡︎!?”

Satan just came out of Twilight’s mouth, which definitely made Starlight shake in her jimmies. “S-Seemed like it was the right time? Plus he talks to his guy friends all the time and they make similar jokes. N-Not sure why this is a big deal—”

“Exactly!” Spike exclaimed. “Besides, I’m like twenty in pony years.”

Twilight exhaled rather loudly through her muzzle, before she took a very shaky, yet deep breath. “Okay, you’re right. I’m sorry. I guess I’m overreacting. I don’t know at this point and—” Twilight paused as she spared a glance at the clock in the room (wait there was a clock here?) and gasped. “Guys, we need to stop fooling around! We have to get to Quills and Sofas before they close!”

Spike was about to retort, but Starlight beat him to the punch. “You’re not buying all their stock again, are you?” 

“No, I get everything specially ordered to the castle now. However, they got my order wrong and I have to get the remainder of the supplies from their in-store location.” She groaned before she turned to me. She gave me one last smile. “We will see you tomorrow, okay?”

With that, she looped a wing around me, which I totally accepted. “Yeah. Hopefully the nurse will bring in something that doesn’t taste like part of a tire tomorrow.”

Twilight giggle-snorted at my suffering. “That bad?”

“I don’t know how you can screw up Jello. It’s just gelatin and some artificial flavoring.”

“Probably not just that, but at least you’re hopeful,” Starlight said. “Cya around, Rick.”

“Cya, Starlight,” I said to Starlight before turning my attention to Spike, who was still on the ground. 

I weakly raised my arm and lowered to him with my fist curled up in a ball. “Cya around, Spike.”

The dragon returned it in stride and gave me a toothy grin, before he raced back to Starlight’s side. The three left the room, leaving me to my lonesome and a whirring machine.

It beeped, and beeped, and beeped, while my mind traveled elsewhere…