Seven Years Later
It was the night of another Summer Sun Celebration. I’d come to Ponyville to enjoy the festivities and to check in on an old friend. The atrium was packed with ponies from all over Ponyville and beyond, with the party in full swing. I saw Pinkie Pie bouncing around, giving out glasses of punch and slices of cake.
I raised my hoof and took a small sip from my martini glass while looking around the room. The purple and spikey crystalline walls and columns gave the place a comforting yet hard edge to it. Like a nailed baseball bat with glitter on it.
This wasn’t my first visit to her castle. I first came here three years ago, shortly after the castle had appeared. In the aftermath of Tirek’s defeat, I had stolen Twilight’s brand-new crystal throne. I’d lost count of the number of times that I had snuck in here since then.
My relationship with the Mane 6 had become much more cordial over the years. Our strange friendship had fallen into a comfortable routine. First, I would steal something from Twilight or her friends, then they would track me down and viciously beat my ass. I even got petrified into a stone statue one time, which resulted in a respawn. But that incident couldn’t hold a candle to the time Fluttershy got her revenge on me. Applejack and Rainbow Dash had held me down while Fluttershy shaved off all my fur… using a roll of duct tape instead of a razor. She may be the Bearer of Kindness, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t hold a grudge.
That was why I was currently visiting in disguise. Red had been kind enough to cast a glamour spell on me that made me look like a slightly different stallion. Not that I was doing anything to draw attention in my direction. For now, I was content to simply observe the ponies around me. Speaking of which…
An average sized stallion walked across the room. We gave each other a polite nod of recognition in passing.
“And here he is, the hero of the hour!” I heard Rarity say with a look at the approaching stallion, “The one who single hoofedly defeated the Pony of Shadows.”
“Aw shucks, Rarity, it was no big deal. I just did what any savior would do,” Grey Stew said while polishing his left forehoof against the fur of his barrel.
Grey Stew was an “alicorn” with a beige coat of fur and a brown mane. He didn’t seem to notice that his wings were made of cardboard. But it was painfully obvious to everypony else that he was just a unicorn. He was wearing a fancy white jacket that had a multitude of ribbons and medals pinned to it.
The reason why I was hanging out with him was because he was my brother Alfred. Although he didn’t know who I was. He knew me by the alias Relative Relation. A not very subtle hint that he hadn’t picked up on. Grey Stew had helped Twilight track down my nefarious alter ego on several occasions.
He still hadn’t figured out that he was living inside a digital world. That probably had something to do with the fact that all the NPCs were blatantly pandering to his delusions. Doubtlessly this was CelestAI’s doing.
I’d tell him the truth someday…
“Make way for the Chosen One!” Grey Stew bellowed as he walked off across the castle atrium with a swagger in his trot.
But only after he finishes making a total foal of himself to all of Equestria. Dramatic reveals like that should always be saved until the perfect Darth Vader moment.
I watched as Grey Stew walked up to Twilight Sparkle. They shared some words with each other that I couldn’t hear at this distance. Then Twilight leaned over and nuzzled him. I had to struggle not to laugh at the display of affection.
When the day came to reveal the truth, I couldn’t wait to see the look on Twilight’s face when she discovered that her husbando is the brother of the same stallion that keeps robbing her. This is the kind of golden material that soap operas are made of.
“Attention everypony!” A voice called out, grabbing my attention. I turned to face the source and saw a light brown mare with a grey mane and tail. I think her name was Mayor Mare, “It’s almost time for the raising of the sun. Please come outside if you want to see the ceremony.”
On my way out of the castle, I stole all of Twilight’s silverware.
The crowd in the outdoor plaza was dense. Ponies milled about everywhere, talking with their friends and family while they waited in front of the outdoor stage for the show to begin. The crowd was filled with familiar faces. I even thought I saw Choo Choo and Fleur at one point.
Howard and Earl had emigrated only a few weeks after I did, thanks to some trickery on my part. Using Celestia’s connections, I’d hired a bunch of actors to dress up as zombies and tricked all my coworkers at Money Maker into thinking that it was the zombie apocalypse. They’d all run to the nearest Experience Center and uploaded as fast as they could. They never did figure out that I was the one who tricked them. I felt bad for tricking them, but it was for the best. I’d heard rumors of bad things happening in the Human Realm.
Speaking of emigration, another achievement notification popped up in my vision.
Badge Unlocked: The Refer a Friend Program (x103,204)
That Equestrian Prince email scam was really paying off.
A small filly darted in between the legs of several ponies and ran up to me.
“Pappa! Pappa! Look what I found!” The little filly held up a small pouch full of bits that I was certain had been stolen and not found. “Did I do good, Pappa?”
My daughter was a charming child, wily and precocious. Red didn’t want foals, but Suri did and in the end, she persuaded me to give her one. We’d all agreed that we would raise her in our image.
“That depends… did you put your calling card on the victim?”
“Yes, Pappa,” my daughter said with a smile before that same smile morphed into a malevolent grin. “That sucker never saw it coming!”
“Atta girl!” I said, affectionately ruffling her mane. “Now, why don’t you go spend those hard-earned bits?”
“Yay!” She cheered before scampering off into the crowd.
The filly was a chip off the old block. We taught her how to pick a lock before she learned how to walk. She was barely even six years old and she already had a juvie record thicker than a phonebook. She was my pride and joy.
My darling little Cozy Glow.
I wasn’t too sure how two earth ponies could create a pegasus foal. But the Cakes had given birth to a unicorn and a pegasus, so such odd genealogy wasn’t impossible.
I saw Red and Suri through the crowd and approached them. I gave them both a quick hug before speaking, “Are you both enjoying the party?”
“Yes, I am,” Suri answered first. “I had a chance to catch up with Rarity only an hour ago.”
“And I got a hot tip about a necklace on display at the local museum,” Red told me. “I hear that it’s really shiny!”
“We’ll be sure to pay the museum a visit before we leave town,” I assured her.
Mayor Mare walked onto the stage and loudly cleared her throat to get the attention of the audience. “Fillies and Gentlecolts, as mayor of Ponyville, it is my great pleasure to announce the beginning of the 1006th Summer Sun Celebration!”
A sense of déjà vu made me think that the mayor was repeating an old speech with only tiny alterations.
“In just a few moments, our town will witness the magic of the sunrise, and celebrate this, the longest day of the year! And now, it is my great honor to introduce to you the ruler of our land, the very pony who gives us the servers and the bandwidth each and every day, the good, the wise, the bringer of harmony to all of Equestria… Princess Celestia!”
The curtains on the stage opened to reveal Princess Celestia in all her showstopping glory. She was wearing her fancy golden peytral and hoof covers. She cleared her throat and addressed the crowd, “Hello, my little ponies!”
While standing in the crowd, my gaze happened to fall upon a shiny red tomato that was on top of a stall counter. As I gazed upon the red sphere, a spontaneous urge struck me. It was one of those odd urges that occasionally pop into the head of anypony at one time or another. One of those weird little urges that anypony with even a modicum of discipline would have been able to easily ignore.
I could not resist. With a lack of self-control similar to a monkey flinging its own feces, I scooped up the tomato and tossed it at the sun goddess.
*Splat!*
The crowd went dead quiet as the ponies stared in shocked horror at the tomato that was now splattered on the Princess’ face. Celestia herself looked equally stunned, the red juices dribbling off her muzzle. Thankfully, the crowd was so dense that nopony could tell exactly where the tomato had come from.
And that was how I ruined my very first Summer Sun Celebration.
In the eons to come, it would not be the last.