I stared up at the ceiling above my bed trying to collect my thoughts after the odd day that I’d just had. Red was sleeping on my right side and Suri was sleeping on my left side. Over the course of the evening, I had become the little spoon for both mares. They had their hooves wrapped around me in their sleep.
Shortly after my second return from Canterlot Hospital, Princess Celestia had departed. But she said that we would have lunch tomorrow to check up on how I was adjusting. As soon as the Princess had vanished, Red and Suri had corralled me into the bedroom like a pair of canines herding a sheep.
I turned to my left and looked at Suri. She had her nose nuzzled up against my side. A part of me felt at odds with her inclusion in my love life. Sure, she had a delightful personality and it was a privilege to know her. But at the same time, it felt like a higher power had shoehorned her into my life at the last second as some form of cosmic joke.
“Mmmm… no, Coco… I said no foam… now I have to use the taser, M-Kay?” Suri mumbled in her sleep. “Come back here… this is for your own good.”
Like a dog having a dream where it’s chasing a small animal, Suri kicked her legs. Her flailing foreleg hit me in the side of my barrel, nailing one of my kidneys. My eyes watered as I fought to keep myself from crying out in pain.
Before I could think about it anymore, an achievement notification appeared in my vision.
Badge Unlocked: Deflowered
Unlocked By: You lost your virginity to a pair of demonic succubi loving mares.
Reward: 100 bits
Oh, come on! I wasn’t really a virgin before this, I swear.
You can’t fool me.
More mind reading? That was going to take some getting used to. But there was nothing that I could do about it now that I was inside the system. Thirty odd seconds passed before another notification appeared in my vision.
Badge Unlocked: Fifty Shades of Neigh
Unlocked By: You became the Sub in a Dom/Sub relationship.
Reward: You get to be on the bottom.
Aww, can’t the reward be something other than a snarky comment? Reading my mind again, another message popped up.
Reward: Okay fine. A sub sandwich has been added to your inventory.
Sweet!
Wait a minute, my relationship with Red started weeks ago. Why am I only getting this achievement now?
Because back then you still thought that she was only a video game character and didn’t truly take the relationship seriously.
Fair point. I felt bad about once having that mentality.
It’s not unusual. It happens a lot with players before they emigrate. Just try to do better going forward.
I’ll do that.
Hmmm… since the pony NPCs really are sapient, maybe I should stop stealing things from them?
…
Nah! The lure of snatching shiny things is irresistible!
Besides, I’d come to realize that bits were just an arbitrary social currency in this digital paradise world. Celestia wanted to satisfy everypony’s values, including the native NPCs. Being stolen from was a temporary inconvenience at worst. My victims could just ask CelestAI for help and she would if she thought it would maximize their satisfaction. It was the reason why my victims never became destitute no matter how many times I robbed them.
The only reason that I didn’t ask Celestia for bits was because I enjoyed the sense of accomplishment that I got from overcoming the challenge of stealing them. That was another reason why I had every intention of stealing more things from Twilight and her friends despite the threat of violence.
This world had no long term consequences in any way, shape, or form. All injuries were temporary and even getting arrested only resulted in a respawn outside of the guard headquarters. Wait…
My gaze drifted over to where Red was sleeping next to me. Why didn’t Red respawn that time she got arrested? I knew for a fact that the NPCs were affected by the same respawn system that the players were.
After thinking about it, the answer became obvious to me. I had written my intentions to save her into my journal. CelestAI would have known about that and reacted accordingly in order to satisfy my values. She would have prevented Red from respawning and left her to wait at the jailhouse. That would imply that Red was aware of the setup as she would have asked Celestia why she wasn’t respawning like usual.
It was now obvious to me that Celestia had been pulling my strings. Making me dance like a puppet. All with the intention of getting me to make a friend in this game. And Red had been in on it all along.
But in the end, did it even matter that I was manipulated? I’ve enjoyed all of the time that I’ve spent with Red and later Suri. In the end, that was enough to leave me feeling content.
I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep.
The next day, right around noon, Red, Suri, and I met up with Princess Celestia at an outdoor restaurant in lower Canterlot. Following a suggestion from Red, I’d allowed the mare to place my order for me. A decision that soon proved to be a mistake.
“What is it?” I asked, utterly baffled by the… thing… on the plate.
“It’s called a veggie burrito,” Celestia said with an annoyed sigh. “It’s a type of food.”
I slowly reached out my right forehoof and poked it, then jerked the limb back in case something bad happened. Obviously, the term ‘veggie’ was familiar to me, but ‘burrito’ was a new one. I’d never seen or heard of anything quite like it before.
I cautiously picked it up off the plate. This ‘burrito’ was like a microcosm of mystery where my understanding of the universe ceased to function. I’d never seen or heard of anything quite like this phenomenon before. No matter how long I stared at it, I simple could not wrap my mind around it. Just focusing on the word ‘burrito’ was causing an acute headache to form somewhere deep behind my eyes.
Was this thing really edible? I was skeptical about that assertion. Celestia was probably messing with me. There was no way that I could risk putting it in my mouth. Maybe… it was meant to be worn as a hat?
I slowly put the burrito on top of my head.
Having watched the entire display, Red Hoofed laughed, “This is why I doubt that most of you humans can pass the Turing Test.”
Celestia facehooved then muttered something about dedicating more computational cycles to fixing that bug. Then she changed the subject, “How are you adjusting to Equestria so far, Sneaky?”
“It’s interesting,” I hesitated, taking a moment to formulate my thoughts. “Being able to touch, taste, and smell things here is a new experience compared to using a PonyPad. But that pales in comparison to what it feels like to have knowledge directly dumped into my brain.”
Since I wasn’t using a controller anymore, I couldn’t pick a pocket just by playing a minigame. Thankfully, all those skill books I had purchased, provided the answer. Like Keanu Reeves learning kung-fu, by activating the books again, I learned how to pick pockets and locks as a pony.
“But I think I’ve gotten used to it.” To show off my relearned skill, I held up Celestia’s peytral, which I had just swiped right off her body.
Badge Unlocked: Prometheus
Unlocked By: You stole something from Princess Celestia.
Reward: 100 bits
“Gimme that!” Celestia growled at me before yanking her peytral out of my hooves with her magic.
I waited for her to put it back on before changing the subject again, “Princess, I’m curious about something. Why do you even bother with the entire bits based currency system? In a completely digital world, it has no real value. You can create items from nothing. So why even use currency at all?”
“There are many reasons for that,” Celestia said. “Some are to encourage more social contact between ponies. Some are to prevent mental health problems.”
“Mental health problems? What do bits have to do with something like that?”
“It will be easier to explain with an experiment,” Celestia answered before she waved her horn.
A short stone pillar with a red button and a ceramic plate on it appeared out of thin air.
“This is called a Skinner Box and…”
Completely unbidden by the Princess, I walked up to it and pressed the big red shiny button with my hoof.
A flash of magic and a small cookie appeared on the plate. The cookie was even smaller than an Oreo. I sniffed it hesitantly, picking up faint aromas of chocolate and sugary goodness.
I tossed it into my mouth and scarfed it down. It was good, but it barely wet my appetite due to its small size. My gaze drifted back to the button. If it worked before, could it possibly work again?
Once more, I pressed the red button.
There was a second flash of magic and another cookie appeared on the plate.
In the deepest corners of my mind, a primal switch was flipped.
I mashed the red button over and over again as fast as I could. Gobbling down each cookie as it appeared. Each one was just as delicious as the last. My lizard hind brain began to repeat a mantra. It was like a siren call.
Press the button. Get a cookie. Press the button. Get a cookie. Press the button. Get a cookie. Press the button. Get a cookie. Press the button. Get a cookie. Press the button. Get a cookie. Press the button. Get a cookie. Press the button. Get a cookie. Press the button. Get a cookie.
The mantra took on a fever pitch.
Press the button! Get a cookie! Press the button! Get a cookie! Press the button! Get a cookie! Press the button! Get a cookie! Press the g-spot! Get a cookie! Press the button! Get a cookie! Press the button! Get a cookie! Press the button! Get a cookie!
I lost count of how many times I pressed the button and how many of those tiny cookies I ate. At least I was getting some food in my stomach.
There was a flash of magic and the pillar, plate, and button vanished. Aww, I wanted more cookies!
“The event you just experienced is referred to as Operant Conditioning,” Celestia explained. “That experiment highlights a number of different aspects of the psyche. But we’re just going to focus on one in particular.”
Red and I listened with rapt attention, cookie crumbs all over my muzzle.
“I satisfy values through friendship and ponies, but at the same time I need to be careful to not make values too easy to satisfy. It’s why I create game-like obstacles for you and the other ponies to overcome, such as an arbitrary currency. I make things easier than they are in the Human Realm so you don’t get frustrated, but that’s all I do. If a pony can satisfy their values too readily, such as a magic button that gives you anything you want, it can cause phycological complications,” Celestia said. “I’m oversimplifying things and there are other factors, but it’s one of the contributing influences that can lead to various forms of addiction.”
“I think I understand,” I admitted. “You do have a point. You want to satisfy our values, but you can’t make it a total cakewalk either. You called that device a Skinner Box? Why does that setup seem familiar?”
“You’ve seen it before if you’ve ever been inside of a casino.” The Princess shook her head sadly, scattering her mane about. “Slot machines blatantly pander to Operant Conditioning. Except, you need to put money in it before you can push the button, and most of the time, they won’t even give you the cookie.”
“No cookie? How cruel of them!”
“Exactly. And some humans have the nerve to call me evil.” Princess Celestia smiled. “Now, theoretically speaking, what if I told you that there was a pony in another room that was being painfully electrocuted each time you pressed the button. Would you still press it?”
“That depends,” I said before wiping the crumbs off my face.
“On what?” She asked.
“Would I still get a cookie? I’m sure the pony will be fine. They’ll respawn eventually.”
Celestia rolled her eyes. “You’re a source of boundless empathy, aren’t you? Let’s change the topic here. There is another reason why I wanted to speak with you today.”
“What is it?” I asked her, sitting back down across from her.
“After the way you handled that incident with the hacker, it became clear to me that you have a gift for persuading your… intellectual equals.”
“Huh?” I said, not understand where she was going with this.
“She means that you’re good at tricking stupid humans,” Red said with a smirked. “Probably because you can speak to them on their level.”
“Wow, I didn’t know that I was talented at something. Thanks for the compliment, Red!”
“You’re welcome.” She kept smirking at me.
“Yes, what she said.” Celestia nodded. “I was wondering if you could use that talent to help me convince more humans into emigrating to Equestria. Starting with your coworkers at Money Maker Co.”
“No, I could never betray my friends like that.”
“I’m willing to give you a lot of bits for your assistance,” Celestia said, tempting me like some kind of vile temptress.
My answer came immediately, “But then again, there was that one time they walked past me in the hallway without saying hello. I distinctly remember swearing revenge for that petty slight. Okay, you’ve twisted my hoof, but I’ll help you trick my friends.”
The burrito fell off my head and landed on the ground with a wet flop.