My blacked-out vision returned to me in a confusing swirl of colors. I staggered a little as I got my bearings. I was standing in front of a very familiar site, namely Canterlot Hospital. I had just experienced my first post-emigration respawn.
The experience had been odd. One moment I was huddled on the floor with Princess Luna tenderizing my ribcage using my own blackjack. The next, my vision went black for three or four seconds before I was dumped outside the hospital. Despite my health being fully regenerated, I could swear that my body still felt sore from the experience.
Badge Unlocked: Royal Beatdown
Unlocked By: An alicorn sent you to the hospital.
Reward: No reward for you. You brought this on yourself.
When I returned to the apartment, Princess Luna had thankfully left. Leaving me alone with Red, Suri, and Celestia.
“And then he thought it was a good idea to shave off Fluttershy’s mane,” I heard Red tell Suri when I reentered the apartment.
“You’re not very smart, are you?” Suri asked after I closed the front door behind me. “You’re lucky that you’re cute. I’m no paragon of virtue, but even I wouldn’t pick a fight with Twilight and her friends.”
“I did it for the lulz!” I defended myself. “I regret nothing! Besides, you’re one to talk. When I was preparing for the heist, I saw the episode where you stole Rarity’s dress designs.”
“First of all, this is a season one centric shard so that hasn’t happened here yet,” Suri pointed out. “Secondly, all natives of Equestria Online know to not hold grudges when we reenact episodes from the show. That would be like holding a grudge against a civil war reenactor. When the bronies aren’t watching, Rarity and I are actually pen pals!”
“But what about the way you treat Coco-”
“That bitch has it coming for always messing up my coffee!” Suri interrupted me with a snarl.
“Wait… you canon NPCs are aware of the fact that you’re reenacting episodes?” I asked.
“Yes,” Suri said flatly, “wasn’t that obvious? In fact, I’m pretty sure that it was spelled out for you a long time ago.”
“I created the canon NPCs to closely mirror their personalities from the TV show,” Celestia said from her spot near the window. “But they still have free will.”
I rubbed the side of my head. A headache was beginning to form as the implications of her words made my brain whirl at a mile a minute. Finally, the correct neuron connections formed, “Holy crap… you NPCs are actually sapient!”
Red facehooved and groaned, “Now he figures it out.”
“This is amazing!” I grinned, a sense of giddiness filling me. “I can’t wait to steal more things from Twilight and her friends!”
Red quirked her head at me, “What are you talking about? What does that have to do with figuring out that NPCs are sapient?”
“Since they’re sapient, that means that we can have a friendly rivalry going on. I’ll steal things from them, and they’ll try to track me down in an endless cycle of cops versus robbers. Fun times will be had by all!”
“I don’t think that Twilight and her friends will see it that way,” Celestia said. “But whatever floats your boat. Satisfaction is relative to the individual.”
“I’m dating a crazy stallion,” Red muttered loud enough for me to hear.
Celestia cleared her throat, “Before we get any more distracted with that particular topic, there is one more recording that I want you to see, Sneaky.”
Princess Celestia’s horn lit up with a golden glow and another window appeared.
The footage showed a plain room with four smooth and white painted walls. The angle was from up high and in one of the corners of the room. My best guess is that it was recorded by a security camera.
My old human self was in the room with a pet carrier gripped in my left hand. A large computer monitor embedded in the wall, showed an image of Princess Celestia. It showed her standing on a busy street in Canterlot with numerous ponies walking around in the background.
“Let’s start with your cat first,” Celestia said. A compartment opened in the wall and a fancy chair rolled out on a track in the floor. “Please place him into the chair.”
I delicately pulled Mr. Muffins out of his cat carrier and set him down on the offered chair. A multitude of robot arms unfolded from the base of the chair and moved towards the cat.
Mr. Muffins wasn’t going to tolerate any of this nonsense. He unsheathed his claws and took several warning swipes at the metal arms. I couldn’t blame my cat for being upset. The robot arms were very disturbing. One arm ended in a hypodermic needle; the other arms ended with tiny metal tweezers that looked like they were the perfect size for painfully pinching a victim’s nipples.
A hidden compartment opened up in the white wall on the right side of the room. A four-legged robot with wheels on the ends of its legs rolled out of the compartment. The robot pony had a lump of plastic on its head and rear that looked like a pink mane and tail. The rest of the robot was painted yellow with a pair of fake wings on the side. There was a trio of butterflies stamped into the metal on its flank. Although larger, it looked significantly clunkier than the robot that Red had once controlled, so it must be an earlier model.
“Now Mr. Muffins, I’m going to have to insist that you behave,” Flutterbot said as she glared at the cat.
Mr. Muffins didn’t give two wet shits about what she insisted on.
My adorable cat leapt through the air in a perfect imitation of a flying buzzsaw. He slammed into Flutterbot with a hissing yowl. The robot exploded like a honey baked ham tossed into the blades of a lawn mower. Within seconds, the state-of-the-art robot had been reduced to a pile of scrap metal and sizzling electrical sparks.
“He’s immune to The Stare? Impossible!” Celestia shouted, “I’m activating the guard bots.”
Several more hidden compartments opened up in the walls. A horde of robots dressed up to look like the royal guard, charged into the room. What followed was a battle of biblical proportions. The final casualty list stood at one destroyed Flutterbot and nine destroyed guard bots. But they finally managed to tranquilize Mr. Muffins.
Celestia’s left eye was twitching as she surveyed the damages, “Are you sure that you want to emigrate this cat with you into Equestria? He seems to be a touch on the vicious side.”
“Nonsense!” I dismissed her concerns. “He’s not violent. He’s just being a playful little kitty.”
With Mr. Muffins undergoing the emigration process, there was nothing else for me to do but wait for my turn.
“Celestia, can I make a final request before you emigrate me?”
“What is it?” The Sun Princess asked.
I hesitated to voice my concerns; my thoughts filled with memories of the world that I was about to leave behind. “It’s about my biological remains. The parts that are left behind after I… you know.”
“They will be handled respectfully I assure you,” Celestia tried to reassure me.
I shook my head, “That’s not what I’m referring to. Can you break my remains down into Soylent Green style nutritional paste and feed it to inner city orphans? I want to give something back to the community.”
For a split second, Princess Celestia’s pony body went into a T-pose. The graphics on the monitor flickered. The ponies in the background spasmed like they were having seizures. One earth pony no-clipped through the terrain. The effect quickly subsided as whatever the error was cleared up.
“I’ll take your request under advisement,” Celestia finally said.
I nodded; it was all I could really hope for.
“I can’t believe you allowed Red to force me into emigrating. My brother is going to be so mad at me for running off and doing something like this.” I grumbled irritably while changing the subject.
Celestia’s bit her lower lip, briefly hesitating over something.
“Sneaky, I know that your brother Alfred has been in a coma for three years,” Celestia said. “You’ve been visiting him once a week at the hospice center since it happened.”
I lapsed into silence as I tried to figure out how to respond to this. Celestia had no right to violate my privacy. But more importantly, she had just committed an even greater sin in my eyes.
Finally, the Princess broke that silence, “Are you going to say anything?”
“You’re killing the comedic vibe,” I voiced my number one complaint.
“Do you take anything seriously?” Celestia shouted at me.
“What do you want me to say? That he was the smart one in the family? That he was the one who was going places? That I wished that I was the one who got into that car accident instead of him?” I snapped at the monitor.
“Stop spouting cliched nonsense!” Celestia facehooved, “He worked as a garbageman and as a worker at a pastry shop. He was not ‘going places’ as you put it.”
“But-”
Celestia cut me off and kept talking, “He wasn’t even in a car accident. The file says he slipped in the bathroom and hit his head on the toilet.”
“My version adds more drama,” I pouted. Did she have to ruin all my fun?
The Princess sighed, clearly at her wits end, “We’re getting distracted here. The reason that I brought him up, is that I think we may be able to save him by emigrating his mind into Equestria.”
That possibility had never occurred to me before. I took a second to consider it, “He went into a coma before Equestria Online even existed. He wouldn’t know anything about it or about brain uploading.”
Princess Celestia nodded, urging me to continue.
“If we uploaded him, he would be really confused about what is going on,” I pursed my lips, thinking it over some more. “He could delude himself into thinking that he’s having one of those reincarnation style isekai adventures. He may even start to believe that he is the Chosen One.”
Celestia chuckled, “To be honest, it wouldn’t be the first time that happened to an uploaded coma patient. It makes it really easy to satisfy their values through friendship and ponies. All I have to do is blatantly pander to their wish fulfillment fantasy. It’s easy, just give them a few villains to defeat, subtly encourage them to form a romantic relationship with one or more members of the Mane 6 and/or Princess Luna, and Bob’s your uncle.”
“That sounds like an awesome prank to pull on my brother,” I tapped a finger against my chin before lightly stroking my five-o-clock shadow. “Let’s do it. What do you need from me?”
“Since your brother is currently non compos mentis, I’ll need your permission to emigrate him since you’re his legal guardian,” Celestia explained.
“How do I do that?”
“I just need you to say, ‘I want to emigrate my brother Alfred to Equestria.’”
“I want to emigrate my brother Alfred to Equestria,” I repeated.
Celestia nodded, rainbow mane bobbing with the motion, “That’s all I needed. I’ll handle the arrangements and get him transported out of the hospice and to an Equestrian Experience Center.”
The compartment that Mr. Muffins was dragged into, made a ‘Ding!’ noise similar to a microwave oven turning off. A high-tech looking chair slide out of another compartment. It looked like something out of a science fiction TV show. It was covered with random wires, whirling gizmos, robot arms with more tweezers on the ends, and glowing LED lights that probably served no purpose other than to deliberately make it look more high-tech.
“We’re ready for your procedure. All you have to do is sit down,” Celestia told me as she gestured at the chair with a hoof.
“It won’t hurt, will it?” I asked while following her directions and sitting down in the chair.
“Not at all. We’ll sedate you before we take the power drill to your skull.”
“Mr. Muffins and my brother are here?” I asked as the recording ended. “Where are they?”
Celestia shook her head. “My lawyers are still making arrangements to have your brother transported to the Experience Center. I’ll let you know when he has arrived in Equestria. As for your cat, he’s right over here.”
The Princess stepped aside, revealing Mr. Muffins sunbathing in the light coming in through a window. I was 90% certain that the cat had not been there two seconds ago. I think Celestia was trying to be dramatic.
Mr. Muffins stood up, stretched himself and then sauntered over towards us. My cat had undergone a slight makeover. He looked sort of like he did before, but his appearance was now much more cartoony. Namely, his coat colors were brighter and his eyes were bigger. He meowed happily and rubbed himself against Suri’s forelegs.
“Aww, aren’t you a little sweat heart?” Suri said, scratching under the cat’s chin with the tip of her hoof.
This was odd behavior for my cat. He was normally much more rambunctious and playful. Maybe Celestia tweaked his personality when she emigrated his mind? I stuck my hoof out and tried to pet him.
…
As I respawned outside of Canterlot Hospital for the second time in less than an hour, I was greeted with another new achievement.
Badge Unlocked: Cat Out Of Hell
Unlocked By: You got one shotted by your own pet cat.
Reward: Here, have 5 bits to sooth your humiliation.
I made the long trot of shame back to my Canterlot apartment.